2013 Stolen Valor Tournament – East Regional Bios

For the North Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the West Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the South Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

 

 

EAST REGIONAL BIOS

1)      Phillip Dale “Monkeyass” Monkress

Monkress is basically the worst Jedi in history:

Monkress: This isn’t the Native American you are looking for.

TAH: Dude, why are you waving your hand in front of my face?  I wasn’t looking for a Native American, and the BIA says you are 3/128 Indian.  My puggle has more Cherokee in him that you.

Monkress: I’m a Navy SEAL.

TAH: No you aren’t dumbass, we talked to Sith Lord Shipley and he says there’s no record of you.

Monkress: I never claimed to be a Navy SEAL.

TAH: Stop waving your hand like that, you look ridiculous.  Also, Google yourself man, you’ve claimed it all over the damn place.

Monkress: I’ll sue you.

TAH: Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, and no one ever follows through.  Besides, I sent my address to be served the suit to your lawyer, and she didn’t even respond.

Monkress: I’d stay and fight, but I have to get to Coruscant for an Imperial gathering.

TAH: Oh, you mean your latest DUI charge?  Yeah bro, hope that doesn’t work out for you.

 

16) Jeffrey “Don Juan” Elvington

 

Elvington conned at least five women by pretending to have different professions, including chef, military serviceman and private investigator, authorities said. They are seeking the public’s help in identifying other victims.

No half-stepping in this dude. In order to have four combat jumps like those four stars on his jump wings indicate, Elvington would have had to jump into Iraq with the 173rd in 2003, into Afghanistan with the Rangers in 2001, Panama in 1989 and Grenada in 1983. He looks legit to me because no phony would leave out the CIB.

BTW- A little birdie told me he was arrested two days ago on more felonies and the LAPD is holding a news conference about him today.

 

8) Jesus Angel “Paintball SEAL” Gomez

 

Dude looks like something out of Chronicles of Riddick.  According to our source:

There’s this young guy that occasionally comes up from Miami to play with our group (I’m in Orlando) and he starts telling us these stories about his team captain who’s a Navy SEAL, etc.   Something is setting off my BS meter like crazy with this guy. From his claims, to his wearing of woodland MARPAT with Navy tape full color flag and Army Special Forces longtab, to his facebook profile photos of the Trident and MOH. The guy screams poser and I’d love to see him exposed if he’s not legit.

Wish granted bro.

 
9) Michael Douglas “The one without throat cancer from Zeta Jones” Salsa

Salsa is the number 1 condiment in the US, and faking being SEALs is the number 1 preoccupation of these shitdicks. 

Why hasn’t anyone bought me a Don Shipley hair piece yet?  Seriously?  This blog makes me no money, the least you guys could do for me is ensuring I have a superlative head warmer.

4) John “2,200 Kills” Boudreau

 

Legend – [Wait for it] – dary.  Dude was a sniper with Tomahawk missiles.  Seriously, go read this, I will wait. 

I think my favorite part of the story is where a sailor drinking beer knocks him off the aircraft carrier and he gets his heel chopped off by the propeller and they give him a purple heart.  Sure man, shit like that happens all the time.  Bitch probably swam to Laguna Beach from Saipan missing half a foot.

He’s a bad motha-shut your mouth!
13) Patrick “Kosovar Hornet’s Nest” Haub

A few years ago, you might have heard about Patrick Haab who held seven illegal immigrants at gun point in Arizona’s Maricopa County. He claimed he was an Army Reservist sergeant who had just come back from an Iraq deployment and, of course, suffered from PTS. He was featured on Fox News’ old Hannity & Colmes Show at the time.

His PTSD came from a large crowd in Kosovo.  I kid you not:

My PTSD comes from my team being in a crowded village that was a hornet’s nest and outnumbered by roughly 100:4 = fear of crowds.

That’s also why I’m not going to the Country Music Awards this weekend.  Hornet’s nest of people who listen to shitty music. 

 

5) Roy “Buttery Awesomeness” Antigua

 

Roy Antigua portrayed himself as a CIA agent, a Coast Guard officer and law enforcement officer. When he was pulled over in his truck that was outfitted with flashing lights and siren, he tried to flash a phony Coast Guard ID card to extricate himself from his own mess.  He ended up in jail, a soft, buttery, wonderful jail:

Now, while Antigua sits in Land O’ Lakes Jail, investigators are trying to piece together who he really is.

I used to dream of going to Land O’ Lakes Jail, and meeting the Indian chick that you can turn her knees into her boobs.  Then I found out that one of my company-mates at The Citadel’s mom was the Land O’ Lakes lady, and it made me want to go even more.  Butter and boobs!  Sounds like the best jail eveh!

 
12) David “Navy Colonel” Bergin

 

Bergin claims that he was in the Australian Army, when he was able to transfer to the US Navy where he flew Apache helicopters and also became a colonel in the SEALs. I can’t find any evidence that the Navy even uses Apaches, the Marine Corps still uses Cobras, as far as I know.

Even if it was true, why would the Navy need a SEAL-trained helicopter pilot? And there are no colonels in the Navy, dingus.

This dude has a face the just needs to be punched.

 

3)      Punk “Backblast” Lewis

 

Punk’s story:

While conducting combat operations, insurgents launched a complex attack against the squad Lewis was in. During the ambush multiple rocket-propelled grenades (RPG’s) struck the patrol, causing Lewis several injuries. The wounds included Traumatic Brain Injury, dislocated jaw, nerve damage in his right arm, lower and upper spine damage, and short term memory loss.

His platoonmates say:

On a patrol in Charkh District, Logar Province, Afghanistan in late August 2009 he claims he was back blasted by an RPG which caused spinal damage, PTSD, TBI and a bunch of other problems. However, there were at least 3 other Soldiers between him and the ANA firing the RPG, none of those Soldiers were injured and he himself said he was fine. He managed to get CASEVAC from Charkh all the way back to Bagram and then from there back to the states. Once in the states he continued to have different problems pop up (back injury, shoulder injury, nerve damage here or there, etc…) and finally was transferred to WTU.

I know a certain dude who may or may not be named VT Woody that engaged the enemy with an AT4 and almost got himself in the backblast.  Big difference is VT Woody is a fucking badass, and Punk is a +4 handicap golfer with truth deficiency.  I once saw VT Woody tee off on Bragg Blvd with his pants around his ankles [because he didn’t make it past the red markers], and his putter hanging out.  That was about 2 holes before the SPs invited us to leave Pope AFB and we went to a strip club and paid $20 for our “FUBIJANG” guidon to get a lap dance.  (True story)

 

14) Richard “Disable Combat Ranger” Ruffert

 

Claimed to be a “disable [sic] combat ranger” and followed it up with RLTW.  Then a Texas State Senate Resolution added a bunch of other stuff to his bio. 

As these folks note:

His career on it’s own was an honorable one but apparently he was not satisfied and made it appear as if he was some sort of super stud. Listed in this resolution is a section that states Ricky served in places like Afghanistan, Bosnia, Iraq and Saudi Arabia. Listed in the NPRC records are only TWO overseas assignments. One is indeed Saudi Arabia as it appears Ricky served during Desert Storm. The other is Honduras. Nowhere in his NPRC file does it list that he served anywhere else outside of the United States. Ricky’s career was as an Active Full Time Army Reservist.

Another honorable record sullied by unadultered asshattery.

 

6) Freedom Douglas “Corrective PT” Stansbury

 

Someone sent us the wondrous tale of Freedom Douglas Stansbury, who they tell me has been hanging around the gym at Eglin Air Force Base pretending to be an Army Captain at EOD school – they tell me that captains don’t attend the school at Eglin. But, apparently he’s been chewing out NCOs at the gym for doing exercise improperly and for being fatbodies. Apparently, he’s just some New Jersey hoodrat with a lower enlisted girlfriend who signs him into the post. But above you can see the poster that Eglin Law Enforcement issued on him. 

This part took some chutzpah:

For roughly a month this guy has been seen at our gym and various other places on post. He has been known to give uniform corrections and harass Army personnel. He was posing as a Captain and had the balls to reprimand 1st Sgts and Platoon Sgts. He even ordered a PSG and his platoon to do corrective PT until he was satisfied.

BWAHAHAHAHA.  My PSG looked like Magilla Gorilla, and if this clown tried to drop him they’d still be pulling pieces of him out of the linoleum cracks.
11) John “Back from the Future” Collier

His profile says that he graduated from Purdue University in 1986, but he has hashmarks on his sleeve that add up to 30 years of service – that means he’d finish his service in 2016. Maybe the picture is from the future.

Collier also has a Special Forces tab and a Ranger tab on his left shoulder, but no jump wings.

And it looks like he’s been busted before:

Not only was John Collier the first person to earn TWO Silver Stars in Iraq (to date only ONE person has legitimate received TWO), he was a hero holding the highest enlisted rank (Command Sergeant Major). His other decorations included the Distinguished Service Cross, Distinguished Service Medal, 2 Bronze Stars and 4 Purple Hearts. In the photo published with his story he is also seen wearing the distinctive badge awarded those few privileged to be a Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. (Click here to see the news story)

In fact, Mr. Collier served from 1982 – 1988 as a Vehicle Mechanic, mostly as a reservist, and NEVER saw combat or served as a Tomb Guard. His only decoration is an Army Service Ribbon. See his official records HERE. Had this been available to the reporter in Odon, IN, this story would never have been written.

And he appears to be a fellow Hoosier.  Wonderful.

7) David “Gunny DumDum” Chenicek

Pro-tip: It’s a bad idea to try to scam a gun dealer out of AR15 parts playing the wounded vet card when you don’t have it in your hand.  It pisses them off:

This sort of abuse should not and can not go ignored. Since his confession specifically states: “You can do whatever you feel you need to me, just leave my family out of it” that’s exactly what I intend to do. I hope you will join me in outing this fraud and setting an example to discourage others from following in his footsteps.

 I guess Chenicek finally came clean and admitted that he’s not a Marine, but he still claims to be building a rifle for a wounded airman, who comes into the discussion and says he never asked for an AR and he’s not wounded. D’oh!
10) John A. “Egon Spengler” Kuykendall

Dude went from a Marine LTC Military Policeman to being a Ghostbuster apparently. 

His Paranormal Investigations page had this awesome video which has exactly jack shit to do with him, but cracked me up.

 “Don’t be mean to the spirits.”  Good safety tip, thanks lady with the awesome hair.  When the spirits respond would they (for instance) moan in my bedroom after dark?  Because I always hear that happening elsewhere but no one ever moans in my bedroom except when the Pats blow two Superbowls.

 

2)      William “Balloon Head” Blake

 

If you think you’ve seen him before, it is likely because I think his head was a balloon in the Rose Bowl parade.

William Blake apparently took Grenada back from the Cubans all by himself even though he looks like Zippy the Pinhead in a steel pot. For future reference Bill, Grenada was the first battle in which the US troops wore kevlar head gear. 

But if you look at Scotty’s page, he kind of gets distracted by the lady’s feet. I guess folks who pretend to be Marine veterans have some sort fetish that they can’t resist. But anyway, despite the way he talks the talk of a killer Marine, for some reason the NPRC can’t find a record of his service. It must all be classified.

 
15) James “Seal Sergeant” Ramirez

Not much to say about this Facebook Commando.  He was a SEAL, but then again, what self-respecting Facebook Commando isn’t?  What makes him special is that he was a Navy SEAL Sergeant.  How many of those are there out there?  To add just an extra dollop of retardation he decided to use the picture of Michael Patrick Murphy, the most famous SEAL out there.

Like I said, a special kind of stupid.

 

The pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath
The drums will shake the castle wall, the Ringwraiths ride in black (ride on)

Sing as you raise your bow, (ride on) shoot straighter than before
No comfort has the fire at night that lights the face so cold

Category: Politics