2013 Stolen Valor Tournament – South Regional Bios

For the North Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the West Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

A quick note:  as Nietsche once said, “Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.”

All these sad sacks of shit actually made me sad today.  So I’m telling you up front, this is perhaps the worst round of bios I ever wrote.  My soul just feels beat up.  It started with Crocheron and lasted all the way to the end.  I just want to go home and mow my lawn and try to forget these people exist.  Unfortunately, cutting grass won’t even start to assuage my sadness and anger towards these people.

So, my sincere apologies on this one.  I have no good one-liners in here, and I’m feeling a ton of hate in my heart for them right now.  That almost never happens.  Literally, almost never.  Sure, I get upset at them like everyone else, but it generally goes away when I see the kind deeds of others.  Not with this crew.  Not looking for a pick me up, just wanted to explain that these folks suck, and offer my sincere apology.

Now, as you know, I usually have some decent video at the end.  Today I am starting with it.  I had a better song picked out, but this one suddenly appeared in my mind’s eye as I went through this today. 

I have re-written history
With my armies of my crooks
Invented memories
I did burn all the books
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man’s too big
The man’s too strong

SOUTH REGIONAL

 

1) Kenneth “Ghoul” Crocheron

 

Marky is a little boy who suffers from a rare “disease called retro-peritoneal fibrosis which simply means there’s a fibrous coating of crud all over his organs. His prognosis is unknown, since the disease is so rare.”  He loves the military, as can be seen from the pictures of him there.  Well meaning soldiers and veterans have gone out of their way to treat him the way he deserves.

Enter Green Beret Colonel Kenneth Crocheron who showed up to befriend this valiant child.  Only….well, I’ll let his mother say it:

Colonel, Uncle Kenneth Crocheron is a FAKE.  This week it was finally confirmed and proven that our former beloved family friend, Ken, has been deceiving us for the 10 yrs we’ve known him…..deceived many many more innocent family members and friends and co-workers over the last 40+ yrs.  He IS NOT a Green Beret, IS NOT a COLONEL, or any other army officer. IS NOT honorable in any way, regardless of the GOOD DEEDS he may have done for our family, it was all under the guise of rescuing us and trying to impress us with his clout.

Seriously, what kind of shitbag do you have to be to pull this off?

I know this is getting long for a bio, but listen to the anguish here:

He has deliberately insulted EVERY military serviceman that has ever sacrificed for our country….We are beyond hurt, beyond belief, beyond pain. No words can handle this.

Shocked and betrayed.

[Our prayers are with you Marky.  I saw your last update was good, and we’ll be thinking of you.]

16) Richard “Coke and a Smile” Sandberg

Trading bombs to get cocaine to enjoy “recreationally” with your hot wife?  Sure, who among us hasn’t on occasion done that?  But…

A former Marine, Sandberg claimed that he served in “Special Ops Recon SS Marine Corps” and was deployed to war zones in Iraq, Somalia, Africa and Pakistan, according to the affidavit. However, his official military personnel file indicates that he was discharged after two years of service in 2005 as a lance corporal, and he was never deployed.

Ah, Lance Coolie, you’ve done it again!

On a good note, Wife is a go-er and apparently somewhat single now, so if you live in Denver, you might want to hit that up.  In addition to her hubby being in jail, I’m predicting he’ll be a first round loser in the premier tournament of the year.

8) Charles Austin Vanderburg

(Not his actual picture)

The correction says it all:

Charles Austin Vanderburg, 64, said in an interview he earned 18 medals including the Silver Star, the Bronze Star and the Air Force Cross for heroism and a Purple Heart during 20 years in the U.S. Air Force. The Press-Enterprise received numerous calls and emails from veterans and veterans’ organizations questioning whether Vanderburg actually had received these honors.

Documents from the National Archives’ National Personnel Records Center in St. Louis, show that Vanderburg did not earn these four medals, nor did he serve in Vietnam. He was in the Air Force from 1967 to 1987, the records state.

20 years in the Air Force, and he still had to make shit up.  Dude. 

9) William James Burley

 

I love the picture.  Looks like every qalat it Afghanistan doesn’t it?  Because there’s so much wood around everything is built from it.

This shitdick decided to play act as a state cop and stake out an Outlaw Motorcycle club.  Not sure what half-assed scheme he planned to use on that one.  Dude had already been arrested earlier on conspiracy to commit robbery and possession of a silencer, following an attempted robbery in East Greenwich. 

AND THEN this dickhead hired an attorney who came after This Ain’t Hell to take down a video we didn’t even have up.  Play cop?  Sure.  Stake out biker groups, why not?  Silencers and robbery?  Who hasn’t?  Phony SEAL, I’m down with that.  But threaten us with lawyers and AGAIN not file suit?  For shame sir, for shame!

 

4) SFC “Walmartian” Coombs

 

Looks like the Spec4 Mafia claimed a scalp on this one…

Meet “SFC” Coombs, he is most popular for making appearances at the Wal-Mart on Skibo and talking like a green beret from Hollywood.

Unfortunately for Mr. Coombs, he failed the questionnaire given by SPC Hunt. For all you posers out there: if a “leg” soldier asks you what the 4th week of airborne school is like, it would f*cking behoove you to inform him that there are only 3 weeks in Army Airborne School, not 4. Also, when he asks you what the hardest part of the 18 Delta Course is like (since a very good friend of mine is an SF medic), you might not want to say language. As my friend told me, language was the easiest part of the actual pipeline. Again, you fail.

Real SF guys prefer Targets to Walmart.

13) Eugene “Greyhound” Pottinger

Here’s another phony taking advantage of a nice lady who tries to help people:

He joined the military and served primarily in Vietnam from age 18-38. In those 20 years his title would be Commander Navy Seal. Things began to get emotional for me as he talked. I could see the hurt in his eyes and that made me sad. He said that he spent 5 years in the states and the first 8 months training to become a seal. His mission was to seek and destroy. He was a POW (Prisoner of War) for almost 4 years.

I agree with what Jonn said:  I’m sure the lady’s heart was in the right place and this scoundrel took advantage of that. I’m grateful that there are people out there like the young lady who would welcome veterans into their towns and buy them a good meal, but she’s lucky that she got away from this scum bucket with her life. He doesn’t look like the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

You know, this whole bracket is depressing the shit out of me.  Someone needs to drop a MOAB on the South Regional.

5) Timothy “Mossad” Maynard

Timothy Maynard was a phony from West Virginia who had also defrauded the Social Security Administration out of about $14,000. He claimed to be a SEAL, Recon Marine, Special Forces, CIA Agent, and even an Israeli Mossad agent to name a few. Our buddy Don Shipley busted him out which led to his eventual arrest on the charges for bilking Social Security.

Don sent us pictures of him posing with the remnants of the stuff that a neighbor of Timothy Maynard found in the phony’s house. The neighbor had done some free home repairs for Maynard based on Maynard’s phony stories and this is the extent of his fairy tales.

The picture above is Shipley’s hair, attached to some dude surrounded by Maynard’s bullshit.  Don’t stare directly into the hair, it’s like a basilisk, will turn your shit to stone man.

12) Sam “You donated to who?” Samford

OK, so this assclown was a “conservative talk show host” who was also a Navy SEAL (of course) with harrowing tales of firefights in Grenada and crashing in Iran.  And then he fahked up:  He gave a $2.50 donation to Newt Gingrich.

First off, who donates $2.50 to a campaign?  The postage for a thank you note and the man hours alone would cost more than that.  Anyway, it happened that this was the 175,000 donation to ole Newt, so he got a momentary notoriety.  Which led to people listening to his radio show for the first time, and then the media got involved.

The trouble is, Samford is not a Navy Seal and never was.

Action News has the documents to prove it. We filed Freedom of Information Act requests with the NationalPersonnelRecordsCenter in St. Louis, MO. They sent us documents that prove Samford did enter the Navy Reserves in 1978.

But that’s where the truth about Samford’s military career ends. Inside those same papers, we found an interesting piece of information. The papers say Samford’s naval career started on November 22, 1978 and ended on December 11, 1978.  He was in the Navy for just 19 days.

You don’t say?

SOCNET has some fun clips from the radio show if you are interested.

3) James Edward “Combat Action” Ferris

By now EVERYONE knows the story of Ferris.  The leader of the Korean War Veterans Association and BFF’s with Joe Biden, Ferris decided to honor his brother by wearing his medals, but declined to tell anyone that’s what he was doing.  It’s not bad enough that he was actually authorized to be in the KWVA by his actual record, it turned out that his brothers bio didn’t match the real world either.

Frank served in the Marines from January 1944 until May 1946 and he went back into service from 1957 until 1965 and spent his entire career as a cook, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s awful difficult to imagine that somehow he earned a Combat Action Ribbon that wasn’t somehow annotated on his records. So it looks like James Ferris not only lied in wearing medals he didn’t earn, he also lied to the reporter and the KWVA Board about his brother’s awards.

But, we made a new friend out of it!  [/waves to Sam from the Corn]
14) Phillip Mark “Swiss Cheese” Thompson

I once said of another man that he had

[T]he body of Hercules, the facial hair of a young Brad Pitt, the calves of James Woods, and the winsome smile of Steve Buscemi. Were the man to be immortally carved into granite, it would make even the Aphrodite Kallipygo weep tears of blood. For more perfect buttocks on a man one could search an eternity and find none half so sublime.

 It didn’t take an eternity, because Swiss Cheese here is that man.  And his bio is amazing.   2 Silver Stars, 5 Purple Hearts, 3 Bronze Stars.  8 Deployments to Iraq, 6 to Afghanistan.  And he earned his name:

“Yea I have been shot 2x in the back, 1 in shoulder, 1 in chest, 1 in neck and had my thumb shot off. The docs were able to reconstruct my thumb so I have it. I have alot of high awards for valor and heroism but I would give all of them back to have some guys on my team back. As Special Forces Operators, we have a brotherhood and we have each others backs thru thick and thin..”

 Alas, in addition to it all being crap, now he gets to look forward to utilizing that wonderful posterior for the benefit of mankind.  And by mankind, I mean the other inmates who will treat him like Andy Dufresne.  What’s with all these cops?  I love me some law enforcement, but how are they blind to these chuckleheads?

6) Jason “VIN Number” Conley

This guy claims to have the MOS of “91wM6VW1” which as Jonn notes, reads more like a Vehicle Identification Number than a Military Occupational Specialty.  He was a Ranger Medic (tabbed not scroll’d) with three deployments.  Well, actually he was a PFC in the Vermont Guard who deployed to dangerous San Antonio, Texas, and then failed a wizz quiz 6 months into his service.   And he was a 68W, not a 91W. 

You can read the rest over at Scotty’s place.  I’m not even sure what this clown was trying to accomplish here.  Is he a musician or something?

11) Donice “Michael Jordan of Hookers” Armstrong

I have a hard time believing this chick was bright enough to pass an ASVAB.  Pretty sure she couldn’t spell ASVAB.

NPRC said “who?”

For some reason it reminded me of Col Jessup in a Few Good Men: “Promote ’em all, I say, ’cause this is true: if you haven’t gotten a blowjob from a superior officer, well, you’re just letting the best in life pass you by.” Yeah, well I served in the infantry, so I’ll just take your word on that one.

7) Christopher “Spirit Guide” Tirao

This guy claims that his Indian Great Grandfather gave him the spirit name of “Rolling Thunder”.  I don’t want to second-guess his skills as a Shaman, but when I talked to my spirit guide about you (he’s a narcoleptic wombat with severe halitosis) he said your spirit name was “Stories stink worse that a white man’s ass after a week-long Taco Bell bender.”  But, the spirits do tend to equivocate like that.

The dude does have some skill at being where everyone else isn’t though.  He was in Nam in 1978, and in the “Gulf” in 1986.  Then he went to Iraq from 1990-1999.  He was a SEAL, Special Forces, in the Air Force and the Marine Corps.   He’s also the only recipient EVER of a Silver Cross and Distinguished Star.  I don’t know what a Silver Cross is, but it must be badass.

If I make it through this bracket my new Indian name will be “I should have swallowed the entire bottle of Ambien last night.” 

10) Andrew “25 Years and a Big Chicken Dinner” Underwood

 

Seriously, these folks today are driving me to drink.  Everyone else is scamming someone, this clown here managed to crush himself.

A military judge sitting as a special court-martial convicted appellant, pursuant to his pleas, of six specifications of false official statement, six specifications of wearing unauthorized ribbons and insignia, and one specification of false swearing, in violation of Articles 107 and 134, Uniform Code of Military Justice, 10 U.S.C. §§ 907, 934 (2006). The military judge sentenced appellant to confinement for twelve months and a bad-conduct discharge. Pursuant to a pretrial agreement, the convening authority approved only thirty days’ confinement and a bad-conduct discharge. At the time of trial, appellant was a Command Sergeant Major with over twenty-five years of service assigned to the Criminal Investigation Command (CID).

Twenty Five years in the Army and he pissed away his retirement, and has to find a job that will take a dude with a bad conduct discharge.  I wish I had more on this guy, because right now I actually feel pity for him.

2) Chelle Lynne “ATC/CNO/CAP” Anderson-Tesla

Chelle Lynne Anderson-Tesla is currently a major in the Civil Air Patrol in Virginia and assigned to HQ, VA Wing as Director of Aerospace Education. She got that job because she represented herself as combat-wounded Army Aviation Captain, and a UH-60 Blackhawk pilot.   At one point she was claiming to be the CNO (Chief of Naval Operations).  Well, either that or she couldn’t even spell NCO right.  She claims that she earned a Purple Heart when her Blackhawk was shot down in Iraq and, of course, because of that incident she claims she suffers from TBI and PTS.   Of course, she’s here on TAH, so you already know that none of that is true; as her records show, she’s never been to Iraq.  She was a PFC Air Traffic Controller for about 13 months.

Germany, Iraq, same diff.  You know the German motto: come for the schiese videos, stay for the small arms and RPG fire.

15) Leo “Phony Baloney” Maloney

His bio is awesome:

 In 1966 he was inducted into the army and during basic training he was recruited to become a black ops contractor for a clandestine government agency, and his life changed forever. He traveled the world to strategically important hotspots. As an independent contractor, he was never required to accept a particular assignment, but rather selected ones that met his criteria that it was in the best interest of the country, although once a mission was underway, there was no turning back. Unlike many of his peers, he survived to tell his story.

Actual tale of the tape: 47 days at Fort Jackson.  If you want to read this sorry sack of shit’s books, you can find them at Amazon.  And after shopping there, flush your head in a used public toilet.

 

And now, I am going to go listen to Barney songs until the urge to kill folks subsides.

Category: Politics