2013 Stolen Valor Tournament North Regional Bios

NORTH REGIONAL CONTESTANTS

1) Tina “Lightfoot on a heavy horse” Kersten

Hero doesn’t even begin to describe Tina’s war story:

“Tina was just returning from the front lines of the “Desert Storm” assault on Kuwait when the Iraqi missile struck. She and her commanding officer, Captain Richard Walker, had just parked about 60 feet from the front door of the ill-fated building and exited the vehicle when they heard a whistling sound. The missile crashed into the roof and exploded, demolishing the building and knocking them both to the ground. To Tina’s horror, she saw that Captain Walker had been cut in two by flying shrapnel; he died in her arms.  Tina herself had been wounded, but she rushed into the ruined building three times to help wounded survivors escape before she lost consciousness and was Medevaced away from the carnage.” 

Alas, it was all shit.  There was no Captain Richard Walker killed in the rocket attack.  Contra her story, Lighthorse Henry Lee here was a food service specialist, which should partially explain her girth.  As should surprise no one, this chick has a hella-long arrest record.

16)  John “What training class did you go through brah?” Mueller

Pretty much has to be seen to be believed.

The only thing that that can be said about Don that isn’t loaded with awesomeness is that his hair just isn’t as awesome as my beard.

8) Jerry “Kung Fu Phony” Partain

He’s a marine, and a ninja, and he wants you to know that “’Contrary to wide perception from TV or the movies, [Kung Fu is] not just punch-kick-block,’ said Partain, who served four tours in Vietnam, including 31 days as a prisoner of war, retired from the Marines as a major.”  Yeah bro, I got your F and your U right here. 

It did however lead to some solid lines from Jonn when the reporter who initially covered the story did a correction which noted: “Attempts by the reporter to speak with Partain since the story was published have been unsuccessful.” 

And Jonn quipped:  Well, that’s probably because he’s such a good ninja, they’ll never see him again.

Days as a POW: zero.  Days as a Marine: zero.  Days as a turd burgling ninja: top secret.

9) Craig “School Guard” Pusley

In the aftermath of the Connecticut school shootings, some bought guns, some prayed, and others threw on Marine cammies with unearned sergeant rank and went to the nearest school to stand guard.  Guess which porcelin bowl this turd falls into? 

Pusley didn’t have an explanation why Austin would have reported that he went to Iraq and Afghanistan, or why it was repeated in subsequent news coverage. However, he said he is “deeply sorry” if standing in front of the school in uniform if it offended anyone, and has written an email to the White House apologizing. He wasn’t anticipating a blast of negativity after appearing at the school, he said.

Sending an apology *to* the White House instead of demanding one *from* them, that’s certainly new.  He was only 4 ranks and 1 MOS away from being who he claimed though, so he has that going for him.

4) John “Attorney’s fees” Giduck

Everyone should know Giduck by now.  He’s a special kinda stupid.  I’m still pretty pissed that he never sued us, because this law degree ain’t paid a damn red cent so far, and I do love me some easy money.  However, I do have to thank him for giving me one of my favorite court opinions of all time:

The statements by Defendant Warrington that Plaintiff Giduck was a liar, fraud, scammer and imposter because he misrepresented his credentials are not actionable. Opining that someone is a liar, a fraud or was untruthful about his or her background, is, perhaps unfortunately, a common implement in American discourse. …Defendant Niblett’s statement that Plaintiff Giduck is a “piece of shit” or, a “fool,” a “fraud,” a “poser civilian,” and a “clown” are patently Niblett’s opinion and are not actionable. If every statement along these lines formed the basis for a libel or slander case, the courts of this country would be entirely devoted to the litigation of defamation claims.

Also Giduck, you will never pull off Shipley hair, so you should give up and go with the Sinead O’Connor look.

13) Tony “Image Interpretation Assassin” Tuso

Anthony Tuso stood up at a professional luncheon and told the attendees his remarkable story of being a Delta Force sniper in Afghanistan in the early 80s where he made 18 confirmed kills and earned two Bronze Stars for valor and a two Purple Hearts.  What is most remarkable about all of this is that Tuso was an image interpreter in a military intelligence unit at Fort Hood, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there are no special forces units at Fort Hood, TX, let alone a Delta detachment. Tuso has no schooling outside of his schooling for his job – no jump school, no special forces training, no sniper training. His only award according to his records is a marksmanship badge, no Purple Heart, no Bronze Stars. He left active duty on Nov. 8, 1979 and the Soviets invaded Afghanistan on Dec. 24th, 1979, as if that needed to be said.

He probably read Bear Went Over the Mountain though.  Or maybe he just playacts as a bear down at “Downtown Ollies”.  [That’s our local gay bar where I displayed an amazing lack of situational awareness and ordered a Greek Tapenade sandwich from a guy named Seth who told me he used to be a gymnast.]

5) Armine “She-males in my closet” Annunziato

Carmen comes to us via our friends at Fake Warriors.  For some reason I liked this quote someone left about him:

Carmine Annuziata lived in Daytona Beach Shores, Florida in the middle 1990’s. I was dating him until I found out what a creep and a scam artist he was. I dumped him because he was crazy. I found pornographic videos of she-males in his closet at his apartment and told him I didn’t want to see him any longer. I basically had to go in hiding because he was stalking me. After his car was repossed, he had his (so-called) stepfather rent him a minivan and wouldn’t return it. He ran to NY with the rental. He planned on coming back to the Orlando area to try to make me go to NY with him. The police were contacted and they tapped my phone, which gave them the location of the hotel he was staying at and led to his capture and arrest. He was later released on parole and fled.

You had me at “she-males in his closet.”  I think a buddy of mine (SuperBowl6Romeo) played bass guitar and cowbell in that band.

12) Devon “Wrong Eye” Lauffer

When our buddy Dave found the picture, the beret flash over the wrong eye and the camouflage ascot jumped out at him. The fellow in the picture, Devon Lauffer was claiming service in Army Special Forces and the Air Force. You can tell he’s a killer because he’s wearing those Vietnam jungle boots, the footwear of deadly men. And then there’s the old OD jungle fatigues which certainly identify the silent stalker. And I love the CIB, no one would wear that unless they earned it, right? Well, except everyone. And he ran out of room on the left side and had to put his Air Assault wings over his right pocket.

He served from 1976 until 1999, entirely in the Air Force Reserve and he zoomed up through the ranks to E-5. I think I know why. He apparently served in Desert Shield/Desert Storm.  As Jonn said: A perfectly honorable career spoiled by an ego bigger than his accomplishments.

3) Bradley “Caught the PTSD from a broken arm” Calvert

Anyone who thinks there is no harm caused by Stolen Valor should talk to Delta Company 2/22d Infantry, a unit at Fort Drum.  Their unit motto is “Deeds Not Words” and yet unfortunately this shithead that served with them never internalized that motto. 

According to his mates, Calvert was not injured in a roadside bomb – he broke his arm in combatives training at the unit’s base in Iraq. Somehow that injury made him “catch the PTSD”, as we like to say around here. But, anyway, that injury got him evac’d back to Walter Reed and it looks like he’s been milking it for all it was worth. He was also featured in a Wounded Warrior article – that Army journalist somehow got the idea that Calvert had been an “elite sniper”, his platoon says that’s also false.

The doctors should go back in and replace his ulna with a double-headed dildo.

14) Larry “Five weeks of hell” Sims

Like every other balloon knot moron out there, Larry Sims claims a CIB.  What makes him special is that he got it, a bronze star with V, and two purple hearts while fighting in Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan.  Naturally this would come as a surprise to his drill sergeants at Fort Jackson who sent him packing 5 weeks into basic training with instructions to drown himself in a shitter (I am assuming.)   That he was telling his stories at a school being dedicated to MOH recipient SFC Paul Ray Smith just shows how these people literally have no shame.

6) Albert “Marine Special Forces Recon” Bustamente

Watch our buddy Jaie Avila bust this Grade A assclown:

As he said, he did catch some flak. Which is why he will no doubt next be seen filing a claim for service connection for shell fragments from the VA.

11) William “Guns of the South” Johnson

William Mourvneen Johnson claims he was in Beirut sniping away… with a rifle that didn’t exist for another decade.  No doubt his time travelling ways also account for why the Marines say they have no record of him serving after 1980 when he was unceremoniously exited from the USMC.  His records are “classified” and his stories are bullshit, but his moustache….that is legit.  I haven’t seen a moustache like that since I got free candy from this dude in a windowless van down by the river.  But, since that was last Tuesday, I guess it isn’t that big a deal.  Never trust a dude with the middle name of “Mourvneen” is basically the takeaway here.

7) Anthony “Lego Hair” Poole

 

I’m sure a lot of people picked on Anthony Poole when he was a kid.  [How could they not, look at that ridiculous hair.]  Most thought he’d never make it a month in the Navy.  Well, he showed them, not only did he make it a month; he made it 2 more days.  Among his actual plaudits though are felony convictions for check fraud and check deception.   I’m sure the local jail though is just like being wounded by an IED in Kandahar Afghanistan in 2005.  In his defense though, he did once offer money to a Children’s Charity from money he got from the Gov’t for turning in a Stolen Valor guy.  Of course it might have been himself he turned in, and I’m fairly certain the charity never got the money, but it is the thought that counts.

10) Andre “Tuba Steve” Vergara

Back in the days when I was running around with unrepentant reprobate James “Uncle Jimbo” Hanson, he would on occasion tell folks he was an airborne Oboe player, because apparently when you honestly state that you were SF, no one believes you anymore.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  Jimbo ain’t got shit on Vergara here, who apparently had four combat parachute jumps with a tuba.  I still say real men walk in to battle instead of falling out of an airplane, but it takes a special kind of moron to do it with a tuba.  Somehow his story included rescuing kids in an orphanage with his combat slung instrument.  As Bob Weir once said:  “I can tell your future, look what’s in your hand.  But I can’t stop for nothing; I’m just playing in the band.”

Must have done some real walls of Jericho type shit with his brass instrument, but alas, the Army disputes the veracity.  I prefer the bag pipes that Sophia Vergara carries around anyway.

2) Skip “D-con Rat Traps” Moschetti

Skip Moschetti, is the CEO of Advanced Tactical Investigations Inc.  He claims all kinds of stuff, like the time he narrowly saved President George HW Bush from a nearly-successful assassination attempt, and how he had to brief George W Bush personally daily on terrorism. He also claims that his name is frequently mentioned as a vice presidential candidate in the Democrat Party.  I don’t know if all that’s true, but I can make a guess based on what he claims is his military background;

Mr. Moschetti is a highly decorated veteran. He received the Congressional Medal of Honor, for heroism and courage in the face of the enemy, as well as this nations 2nd, highest honor, The Distinguished Service Cross, the nations 3rd highest decoration, (3) The Silver Star, and an array of medals, including eight Purple Hearts, for injuries received in combat.

Only a dumbass would hire this assclown, even if they only hired him to set D-Con Rat traps.

15) Romeo Martinez

As Jonn said at the time….It’s entirely possible that Romeo Martinez was a Marine at one time, but I doubt very much that he was ever a lieutenant of Marines.  Another possibility is that he may have swallowed whole a lieutenant, or there’s a lieutenant buried in one of his chin folds.

There’s not much I can say about this guy.  He kind of looks like the mentally challenged love child of Oliver Willis and a koala bear.  But there’s nothing funny about that.

 

Video Thought of the Day:

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What’s goin’ on?

 

Category: Politics