2013 Stolen Valor Tournament West Regional Bios

To read the NORTH REGIONAL BIOS, click here.

1) Shane “High School to Panama” Ladner

As students enter their final year of high school, many focus on academics and getting good SATs.  Not Shane Ladner, who was focused on his secret mission to Panama.

I was involved in a firefight in Panama City. My squad was on patrol and we were ambushed by Panamanian Defense Forces. We were under heavy fire and pinned down. I was engaging the enemy when I heard an explosion behind me. I felt an intense burning sensation on my back as well as excruciating pain in my abdomen…When I recovered from my wounds I served throughout Central and South America, Cuba and Africa.

That lie there would eventually result in his wife losing her leg when a train hit his float at a parade.  Since his fake missions in Panama he’s also been to OIF and OEF, became a cop, got fired as a cop, got his lawyer to submit a faked DD214, and been featured on the news.  This young lad has a hell of a fake career ahead of him.  He could be one of the greats.  He might be the stolen valor equivalent of Jim Plunkett.

 
16) Jeff “Holy Moley” Burtt

 

I don’t even know what to say about this barrel of monkey spunk.  He appears to have a giant mole on his face, and I can’t stop looking at it.

Dude, lather that thing in brie and have a rat gnaw it off.  I can’t even get started on your earrings with that thing staring at me. 

 8) Michael “Shoulda stayed mute” Campbell

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…Marine goes on phony patrol in Fallujah, and sustains a horrible traumatic brain injury.  Marine awakes months later at Walter Reed, struck with mutism.   Eventually he got his speech back, only it was a stutter.  Decides to be a professional golfer, hoaxes a shit load of people into helping him, including David Feherty, who wrote a column about him for Golf Magazine in 2010.  Then would get flown by the US Government back to the scene of his fake injury in Fallujah to get some closure.  “All this despite the fact that Campbell’s story was a complete fabrication,” court documents said.  Total cost of his perfidy: at least $40,000.  Golfing for free, taking shit from actual veterans, and getting a C130 ride to Iraq: Priceless. 

Should have left his ass there without security.  Love to see his Shi’ite ass getting a friendly Sunni welcome.

9) Matt “Tim Poe’s Bitch” Farmer

 

Dude, Poe tried this one before you, and that didn’t work for him either.

Thankfully, once again his boys were watching:

Here is the back ground. I was the sniper section leader attached to his company and lived in the same room with him until he was medevac’d from Ramadi because he got drunk while he was taking accutane, an acne medication….He proceeded to rat out everyone he was drinking with and never came back to the company. He was never involved in one single direct fire engagement, was never wounded, and made up this whole lie to try and make his story sound good to American Idol.

Sounds like a Medic I knew who ratted out an entire squad, and got the best squad leader in our company demoted from E6 to E I owe you one and gave him a last meal of a chicken dinner.

4) Elton Perry “Fell in a pile of Medals” Hawley

What makes Hawley here special is his Discharge Certificate.  It was signed by Commander in Chief George Bush, in March of 2009.  Which should come as a surprise to most, since as of January of that year the C-in-C was President Obama.  I’m not even going to start on the Medals, since as you are reading this you are no doubt aware he didn’t earn any of them.  Dude only served 18 months in case you were curious. 

13) Richard “Recon Assmonkey” Straub

 

Not sure how we ended up with Hawley’s retarded brother facing him in the first round, but I didn’t seed them.  If this guy was Recon than I am Ron Jeremy.  [For the record, I am 7 inches shorter and have no back hair.]  Unsurprisingly, the real tale of the tape is that he was a “engineer equipment operator” with 26 days AWOL.   On a good note, he did give me a good idea for video of the day at the bottom.

5) Michael “Window PLF” Gerold

 

Gerold here is the only one of our candidates I’ve ever met.  And within about 7 seconds I was considering hitting him with a chair.  To my everlasting shame I didn’t.  Probably because he had this chick with him, and she’s built like a proverbial latrine constructed with a block-shaped ceramic construction material.  Alas, she also had the brain processing power of a nerf lawn dart.  My favorite moment is when some folks cornered him to call him out on his ridiculous story and he did what anyone else would do when faced by a similar situation: he excused himself to use the restroom and jumped out the fahkin window.  Dude did face a 15-6 investigation in regards to his violation of article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and lost.  (Make sure to take note of the dude in the background checking out Gerald’s beard’s comely buttocks.  That cracks me up.)

12) Jeffrey “Lonestar Survival” Rodgers

Founding the “Lonestar Survival School” seemed a good progression; after all, he’d served as a SEAL for many years running around South America and Afghanistan.  He had “become a master of primitive/urban land survival as well as hand-to-hand combat.”  Well, apparently the closest he came to the jungle was playing Pitfall on his Atari.  He also claims to play soccer.  For the Houstonian FC (whatever the hell that is) and teaches soccer under the name Lonestar soccer.  Dude.  You kick a ball.  How much teaching do you have to do?  You want to impress me, kick the damn ball around while swinging from vines and avoiding alligators.  And now I need to get back to “primitive/urban land survival” which to me means eating Chili Cheese Fritos and watching The Last Boy Scout.

3) Todd Michael “Triple Stack Hack” Hamilton

 

Todd here was the President of the Shadow 6 Foundation.  Some would assume that “Shadow” had some sort of special ops type feel to it, while the “6” would indicate that he was the commander.  All that is true, if by “Shadow” you mean a network systems operator, and Specialists are now “6’s” in military parlance.  Anyway, douchetool here hiked across Washington state with the tower of power on his shoulder (SF, Ranger and Airborne tabs) and then resorted to the lame “I did it to honor soldiers” excuse.  Admittedly, he is sort of a dreamy bastard.  He even had two women (one his wife) come on here and defend him.  That’s what I am working towards myself, which is why my wife is in Krav Maga class right now, and then getting trained on giving insults from Jon Lovitz.

14) James Burch

There’s so many wings on this sonofabitch he might fly away.  Turns out he is authorized most of it, I see the SF tab in his records but no Ranger tab, Divers badge or Pathfinder badge, either.  Even so, I don’t get why he tried to put all that shit on there.  The only reason to wear that many pieces of flair is to keep from getting fired at Chotchkie’s.

You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.

6) Matt Buckingham “someone’s a little cranky” Tyler Matthews

Heh.

“I’m not supposed to get any attention because of my job … right now I work for homeland security … I’ve been to Afghanistan twice … Marines picked me up when I was 17 … I’m officially in the coast guard.”  Dude, pro-tip, “Coast Guard” doesn’t get you laid.   Neither (I can assure you) does telling chicks you sell high-end spices when you mispronounce “Thyme.”  [Yes, I really tried that once.  The ‘h’ is silent, who knew?]

11) Carroll “Been Erased” Bryant

Apparently NOT the chick that pulls her earlobe on TV, Carroll here prefers the mating call of the Yellow-Breasted Shit Weasel:

when my career ended, there were several security issues surrounding my service and what had happened on a specific op… i (and the govt went through great legnths to ensure i was “erased” from specop service..i at time went along with…due to my becoming disenfranchised by things we all had learned our govt was into… during our service…i have always held that i am not responsible to validate myself in any regard to any person..i know what and who i am..and you or any other person can take that at face value of the alternative(ur choice)

Dude, can I buy a fahkin capital letter?

7) Douglas Arthur “Airborne F-350” Buono

Special Forces Tab, Ranger Tab, USASOC Patch, Drill Sergeant Badge, Air Assault Badge, Master Parachutists Badge, and Master Halo Badge.  Well shit, none of that is true.  However, he was an MP with deployments to Kosovo and Bosnia who went to work as a K9 guy at sheriff’s Dept before he got hammered up “while off-duty and drove his westbound Ford F-350 off the road and slammed into a metal pole. The truck then hit a vehicle in a car lot, causing a chain reaction of crashes involving seven vehicles, the wreck caused about $75,000 in property damage.  Police say the deputy left the scene before other deputies responded.” 

Good career move. 

10) Terry Lee “Decapitational” Farmer

“I saw my best friend…. get his head decapitated. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Terry Lee Farmer.  That’s only because you’ve never seen The Sniper motor boating a chick in the “It’z” parking lot in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  Or been with another lucky lad who went to a Fayettenam brothel and the chick looked like Lawrence Taylor.  But I digress.

Decapitation means the head is removed from the body, so it is a little redundant to say he got his head decapitated.  You couldn’t have your penis decapitated for instance.  (Actually, maybe you can, I’m gonna need a ruling on that one, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you out there?)  Anyway, fear not, there is no record of anyone being decapitated at Basic Training since Ragnar Lodbrok’s son “Tim the Headless” got crazy with some cheese whiz and an axe in circa 789. 

2) Danny Russell “Dr. Frasier” Crane

Say what you will about Danny Crane and his 62 days of Active Duty time, but the dude really knows how to doctor up a DD214.   He’s the Forrest Gump of Shreveport, Louisiana.  However, he’s also been sentenced to 7 1/2 years in jail since 2000 for things such as harassment, fraud, ID theft and more.  The 7^th layer of hell is reserved for the guy who made the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Spirals box look the same as real Mac and Cheese, and people who do this kind of shit:

His most heinous crime might be the fact that he “stole” the story of the Marine who stood guard outside the hospital room of the dying young cancer patient, Cody Green.  Of course, he inserted himself into the story, though he pretends to be a soldier.

Douche.

15) Jason “Giant Grape” Miller

 

the fuq?  Someone sent us this ID card that some scum bag is mailing to the ladies to prove he’s in the military. He looks totally legit to me. The fact that he’s an O-4 Captain wearing 2LT bars in the photo and that teh ID card says Iraqi Special Force doesn’t detract from the legitimacy a whit.  Dude definitely appears to put the “special” in “Special Force.”  He should sell advertising on his gigantic melon and he’d have enough revenue for high class hookers 4 times a week.

 

 Video Thought of the (Second Half of the) Day

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby

 

Category: Politics