Kennedy and Ginsburg Regionals – Round 3
We begin today, as is our custom, with a new Non-Profit that deserves your attention, and it is one I have a soft spot for, Books For Soldiers. I don’t remember who told me about this group when I was in A-Stan, but I remember being pretty excited. I ran right over to the MWR tent and signed up, and let the macine know I wanted a certain book. (I believe it was either David Gemmell or Stephen Hunter.) Anyway, as an afterthought I wrote “And if you know anyone with any used Law textbooks, I would love to get some to try to get ahead on my course work.” About a month later I received a gigantic box filled with the book I wanted, and tons of text books. It seems a law firm in Minnesota adopted me. Those books meant a lot to me, and allowed me to study a little over there. So, if you have a few duckets, toss them at www.BooksForSoldiers.com.
RULES: Because we took a pass yesterday, we have to consolidate the voting this week, so let me explain it here now. Also, be advised I will likely die at work here today and then Jonn will have to take over, because I feel like I got run over by a carriage. I coughed so much last night that my lungs could just fall out. Nonetheless, today you will vote on the Kennedy and Ginsburg Regionals. This week is a two day vote. It will be the percentages that carry over each day, NOT the votes. So, if Wittgenfeld wins 54/46 one day, and loses 45/55 the next day, I will average the percents and Sharkey will win. However, tomorrow will also start the other two Regionals, so you’ll be voting for 4 people today, and 8 tomorrow. Make sense, I hope?
Apologies for using the old bios from the first round, but I really am a hurting unit guys. I will try to update tomorrow with some newer Jackassery but we’ll see how I feel.
Here we go, vote at bottom.
1 Dallas “Flying Assclown” Wittgenfeld v.
5 Jonathan “The Cock Inhaler” Sharkey v.
WITTGENFELD: He’s a bona-fide true action war hero of Vietnam, and if you doubt it, just ask him about any subject including the current price for oolong tea in Tibet and I guarantee the answer includes how he was a LRRP in Vietnam. But, as with all great and true trail assassins, Wittgenfeld got south on an international cabal of reporters and valor vultures who ripped through the time/space continuum and went back in time to add that he was a green beret and Bronze Star with “V’ Device recipient to 8 of his media interviews. Also, they somehow force him to wear the green beret, to threaten Ms Mary from POWNet, and to use racial slurs while threatening people. But no, really, he’s a delightful man who would never steal valor and misread the Constitution.
SHARKEY: What remains to be said about the great Jonathan Sharkey? Kid is a five-tool player. A descendant of Prince Vlad Tepes aka The Impaler, Sharkey likes to (what else?) impale things, which from the looks of him includes thrice fried Twinkee/Corndog hybrids. When not threatening TAH, Mary from POW Net or President Bush, he likes to kidnap fat little underage girls who buy into his Vampirism nonsense. I’m still waiting on the DOJ to come after me that he promised over 9 months ago. Hurry up Holder, and don’t bother using the “I was preparing documents for Issa” defense for being late.
3 Jason “Prison SEAL” Truitt v.
2 Brian “Wounded Mind” Camacho v.
TRUITT: Um yeah, so there I was… “It was a harrowing seven tours. He was shot 11 times. He was declared missing in action, twice a prisoner of war. Once he was MIA for two months and 14 days. He was tortured and disfigured. He was shot in the stomach, requiring several feet of his intestines to be removed. His tattooed skin is covered in scars. He has vision in only one eye.” He’s also has a cataract of his left testicle and the trunk of a baby elephant permanently lodged in his rectum. (Rectum? Dayam near killed ‘em.)
CAMACHO: OK, so Brian Camacho is a fraud. I totally get that. But, have any of you stopped to consider that his wounded mind might have come from his February 17 edtion of Smackdown when Camacho made his in ring debut, competing in a battle royal to replace Randy Orton in the Elimination Chamber match? Or on the May 4th edition of Smackdown when Camacho teamed with Hunico in a losing effort against the Tag Team Champions R-Truth and Kofi Kingston? Oh, not the same dude? Well, neither is Brian Camacho and 1SG Brian Camacho. “Camacho” is kind of a cool name though. If I ever decide to fake an identity as a Tongan SF Chef, I’m going to be “Mosi Tatupu Comacho.” My grandmother was Elizabeth Warren’s (D-MA) Indian Spirit Guide.
Here’s your upset bracket, let’s see if that continues.
16 Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder v.
12 Albert “Sensei Dick Munch” John
POUNDER: Dude pulled an amazing upset last week when he took down the #1 seed Williamson. Word on the street is that he celebrated by eating his way through 4 Hostess trucks, and was still hungry so he ate the pineapple from between his Chevrons. He kind of looks like that chick from Mike and Molly but with a ridiculous Moustache.
JOHN: An awards clerk got an MSM, I haven’t been this shocked since Ellen came out. He claims he’s the “Bladed Weapons Offensive and Defensive Instructor” at the “Street Smart Self Defense School.” Bladed weapons my aching arse, the closest he got to a bladed weapon is when he and his friends were reenacting scenes from Zorro the Gay Blade. If he’s so badass with a katana, what in the hell is he hunting in the corn field with an Uzi or whatever the hell that is? Some sort of Ninja Raccoon?
3 Paul “Prince Chumming” Tillson v.
15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” Oliver
TILLSON: Actual ribbons….four. But in these pictures he kind of looks like William Sadler, the guy that played the bad guy (Colonel Stuart) in the second Die Hard movie. Well, he would if that dude had a lobotomy and a sort of slack jawed jackass look. Actually, he looks exactly like the same actor in The Green Mile (“Alexandre Dumb Ass”) but that reference is obscure. Which is relative because you probably didn’t get most of the previous 58 references. Also, Tillson’s wife has huge breasts. Look! Melons! (That is Elvish for “Friend”.)
OLIVER: Ironically, our Bios end with our most recent dirtbag, who surprisingly also has a crappy moustache. And a pony tail. And was Delta. And likes to play with toy guns. And is named “Gabryal” or something. He HALO’d into Kandahar with hundreds of other Delta guys. “It was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear.” Rather like an attractive woman might feel at Comic-con I would imagine. Dude may have a case of lycanthropy too because that pony tail grew in like a year if his bio is accurate.
Everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We’ll divvy up there…
Everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
But I got the pistol So I Keep the Pesos
That seems fair
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Category: Politics
Thanks again for use of the Refreshments TSO, you can always look deep into my eyes like I was a supermodel.
Banditos/The Refreshments. Long time since I’ve heard that one.
Still the truth, though.
Dammit! I knew it! I knew it was going to be the Cock Inhaler vs. Whathefuck! UGHHHHHHH! Tough choice, but the Cock Inhaler gets my vote. Whathefuck is pathetic, mentally ill, and did serve his country well. The Cock Inhaler is just a fat, weird, amusing freak.
Oh, and feel better, babe. Robitussin always helps the coughing for me!
Had to go with the underdogs across the board, except for DullASS. He deserves all the misery he gets.
Feel better soon, bro.
And for the record, wasn’t that “Shawshank Redemption” where you got the Alexander Dumb Ass reference?
Man, you really ARE sick today. Just damn.
@6, you are right of course.
Not sure what I was going for back when I wrote that.
But yes, dying.
Maybe Michael Clarke Duncan can give ya a hug or something.
“Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired.”
At least we got the Green Mile reference to work.
It was me btw
Damn, these are getting tough now….Cock Inhaler for the win!
#10 – YEAH!
Flying Assclown vs. Gunny “Ronad the Mailman” Driveway in the final. An epic showdown of retarded proportions.
It had to happen eventually. One there for which I had not previously voted for either of the choices. Oh, well.
My boy Wigetfield is going all the way! But this won’t be easy!
The competition is getting tough for me now… Except Dullas…
I just keep voting for Tilson so I can see those ta-tas.
Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder.
The illegitimate son of Wilford Brimley and Ethel Merman.
Sharkey got the vote instead of Wittgenfeld, for precisely the reasons Nicki gave in #3. Except I wouldn’t use the word “amusing” for him.
TSO — get better soon. We’re all worried about you.
#17 – What did Ethel Merman ever do to you!
PintoNag – the “amusing” was for the entire comments thread after he showed up here and began hurling threats around. That was pure comedy gold!
The Sharkey/Dullass matchup is a killer. Dullass has really put in the footwork here at TAH with a pounding assault of comment section idiocy (even had an admin erase a comment!), but Sharkey put forth an absolutely stellar effort earlier on. Though his all-star sideburns, stupefying lawsuit threats, and teenage fatty-snaring claims of vampirism are so over the top crazy it’s hard to ignore, late round scoring sticks with the judges come decision time. In addition, Sharkey never had Dullass on the canvass in the early rounds. Too close for me to call. Gave Dullass the nod today, but I’ll be giving Sharkey the go ahead tomorrow, to make my input a draw. It’s the only rational conclusion I can come up with.
Pulling two votes for the underdogs on the rest of them. Especially Fatty. He’s a brilliant amateur, who deserves some recognition. I get what he was going for. Anyone who is both a marine and a SEAL needs to be that fat, because they have to be able to be in two places at once (like coach class in an airline). It was really an innovative plan on his part, but despite his crafty intuition someone somehow unearthed proof of deception and called him out on it. Terrible luck for the quarterPounder kid. I feel a good showing in the ‘Dusters will put him back on his game. Perhaps he can get a little of that fire, a little more drive to add a couple more pounds and perhaps even another branch of service on the uniform just in time for next year’s games.
GO FATTY, GO!!
Go Gettfucked!!!!
@16–so I can see those ta-tas
Yeah, but you know wedding dresses do that. In regular clothes, meh. And I’ve seen the full picture. Color me unimpressed.
@16 – I bet mine are better anyway! LMAO!!!!
Go fat or go home!
@24: Pics or GTFO
@26 – TSO knows me in person. He can verify! :-p (That is not in any way meant to imply he’s actually SEEN them up close and personal!)
#2, I’m missing part of the joke – but I will grant that Sharkey could start a new career as the live action Frito Bandito.
Witless has me because he really can “pass” to the equally witless, and can manage to “steal” valor and not just attempt the theft. There is more effective “desecration” in his Vietnam Wall photo than in all the Satanism Sharkey can cook up.
And I take Sensei John over He Who Is Not to Be Named. Pond slime beats bacon grease!
Alberich: au contraire re: “Sensei” John. Mass gets right of way! (smile)
DullASS all the way! I have to admit my favoritism to him is personal. As everyone has seen, I’ve called him out before God and country and he doesn’t even have the common courtesy to respond.
I also have to admit a personal bias for poser Marines. There, I said it! My service never left North America but dammit, I was there! I earned my Eagle, Globe & Anchor and the title United States Marine.
Tillson gets my vote for for screwing up his costume, I refuse to call it a uniform, so bad as to make an ROTC cadet puke. He gets my vote for lying to his wife knowing he would eventually get busted for it bringing shame, not only on himself but his wife, and not caring.
I find it sooo difficult, to vote for the biggest doucher, when all of them, are in fact…DOUCERS!!!
*DOUCHERS…sorry!
You know I vote for Dallas the assclown for the complete opposite reason. He did have an honorable career, which makes it worse. He should know better. Anyone off the street is just a fucktard, but someone who has put on the uniform should know better. He served with some good people and has been around some good people so he has no excuse to be the kind of asshole bully he is. He deserves a vote not only for being a poser, but also for being an assclown.