Jonathan Sharkey – Probably a One Seed in our next Stolen Valor Tourney

When I say this dude is frutier than batshit, I mean it.

Meet Jonathan Sharkey:

Among his career highlights are:
Having the worst record as a candidate for public service I have ever seen: Although his status as a loser extends far beyond the political realm, this jackass has so far run for President twice, Congress in three different states, and governor of two states. He’s probably the only douche that could lose a debate to a mute.

He claims to be a Vampire, living on the blood of his mistresses and girlfriends: There is no way this round mound of hirsute jackassery got that rotund on blood. Seriously, go look at this picture and tell me this fat balding ball of fug got that fat from blood. Dude must be drinking it with a couple of hundred donuts. He looks like a Mr Potatohead with My Pretty Pony hair glued to it’s head.

He threatened to “impale” President Bush: Clearly not a real threat, as one could low crawl away from Hey Kool-Aid guy here, and just wait for his inevitable cardiac arrest. This guy is roughly as imposing as girl scouts selling cookies in front of Target. Which is ironic, because underage women are apparently all he can get.

He likes to essentially kidnap troubled underage girls: Dude, when you look like that, you have to go for the underage vampire chicks. First rule of being a fat, pasty, balding has-been is to go with what you know. It’s like fishing with dynamite, or hunting at the petting zoo, if that’s all you can do, you go with it. Problem here is that it is of course illegal. Naturally, he’s had plenty of problems with the law…

He likes to stalk: Which is ironic, because the the thought of this fatass sneaking up on anyone has me giggling. It’d be like Juraissic Park…there you are drinking your iced tea on the porch, and suddenly you see it sloshing back and forth. Earthquake? No, just that fat kid toucher trying to sneak up on the neighbors again. BTW- Is that a pterodactyl on your head, or plugs Mr. Impaler?

Anyway, this overstuffed balloon of fetid meat also has a Stolen Valor component to his atrocities. (That hair alone is worthy of investigation by the ICC.)  This sasquatch looking turd burglar claims:

The MOS’ Jonathon worked in while in the Army was – 13B (Field Artillery), 11C (Motars), 11B (Infantry), 11BX (Infantry Drill Segreant)18B (SF Weapons), 71D (Legal Clerk specialist), 79R (Recruiter).

Jonathon is also Sniper Trained and Qualified. He still practices his Sniper skills to this day.

During Jonathon’s 9 year total in the Army (DEP, AD, IRR, RES. NG and AGR), he was assigned to – Ft. Sill, OK, Ft. Benning, GA, Ft. Bragg, NC, Ft. Riley, KS, Ft. Dix, NJ and Ft. Monmouth, NJ. He did his Desert Training at White Sands, NM and an ARTEP at Ft. Drum, NY.

Jonathon is presently 100% Service-Connected by the Department of Veterans Affairs, as a result of his undergoing Total Left Knee Replacement.

Of course he had a knee replacement, hell, even tank treads wear out, and an Abrahms only weighs half of what Ninja jones here weighs. Now, would it suprise you to learn that his claims are completely full of shit? Anyone know any SF Sniper in history that only has a Army Service Ribbon and a Sharpshooter badge?

Anyway, hardass lardass here likes to send obscenity laced emails around, and threaten litigation, no doubt thanks to the 18 days he spent in the Army as a “Legal Specialist.”  After the fold, read the charming C-Bomb laced email he sent Mary from POW Network.

STRONG LANGUAGE WARNING AHEAD

Greetings Asswipes, Mary and Chuck Schantag,

Lookie lookie what I found – http://www.veteranvoice.com/forums/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=279

It seems in the posting you wrongly picked on other Vets too. Fuck you BITCHES!

Solid start there, I mean it has everything: a link to a piece written years ago, strong language, over-capitalization. Just straight up catching fire early.

But can he maintain the intensity?

Now, since you CUNTS want to act up, lets act up. I know where you live. So, here’s a challenge to you both, and any other CUNT that works for you.

Being from a descent of the greatest ruler ever – Prince Vlad Tepes aka The Impaler, I challenge you and those who work for you to a battle to the death in 2 months at Ft. Dix, NJ. In Jersey, the weak are killed and eaten. we are the greatest best, and most bad ass state in the UNION!

It will be on the lines of the Deadliest Warrior – http://tkohub.com/deadliest-warrior-sun-tzu-vs-vlad-the-impaler-video-s02e10-online-stream make sure you watch the part at 7 minutes.

Notice the completely unhinged use of obscenity, the ridiculous capitalization etc. I’m thinking fat ass here has been spending more time with steaks than stakes, and the only impaling he has been a part of was when he was staring at the business end of a fellow inmates stake in the Indiana prison system.

No firearms though. Medieval weapons. I will have U.S. Secret Service Agents I know from jersey be monitors of the battle, because, I don’t trust you domestic terrorists.

Like Vlad, I will beat you, torture you, IMPALE you, then dismember you and when all is said and done, I will decapitate you all, and your heads will be used that night for a Satanic Ritual. My God will be praised the day.

If you do not to accept my challenge in 24 hours, I will forward this email to the media, Soldier of Fortune Magazine (Col. Brown knows me by one of my other names), Veterans Magazines.

Then I will come to MIZZ with a film crew, and call you out. When you step outside your home, with cameras rolling, I will go Jersey on you, and beat the fuck out of you.

If you refuse to come outside, I will show all the world what a bunch of cowardly little fucks you are!

I await your response.

In Lucifer’s name –

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Love the threats, I mean seriously, it makes me chuckle. Okay tough guy, come on up to Indy, we can fight on the War Memorial Grounds. You bring your Secret Service friends, and I will bring my equally imagined companions: Smurfette, Nessie, one of the dwarfs from the Council of Elrond, an Amish porn star, several Minions from Despicable Me, and several of your girlfriends from the Niagra Falls area. You don’t think there is anyone that believes your horseshit do you? Being an internet tough guy falls apart when you look like a Manatee with back hair and a bald pate. Colonel Brown (yes, I’ve met him when I worked for the NRA) couldn’t give two shits about your idiotic ramblings, and I work for a veterans magazine, and I know we’d laugh and throw balogna at your fat ass if you tried to show up here with that idiotic video.

But, ok Sally, I’m accepted your lace glove challenge. Only, just to make it even I will fight with a plastic spork. Shit, all I’d have to do is walk in a circle and watch you crawl around like Jabba until your heart quits pumping. I’d probably fling pudding at you just to speed up the process.

Now, I put the odds at fairly high that he threatens us with a lawsuit. Good, kindly do so. I’ve read your idiotic legal taunts over at POW Network myself, and I actually have some knowledge in the subject, so, unlike you, I actually know what the hell I am talking about. Bring it on sweet-tits.

Do your plane-mates a favor though and buy two seats, no one wants your lard hanging over the seat divider into their face. Also, your moustache looks ridiculous unless you are trying to find the six-fingered man who killed your father.

UPDATE:  Ohes Noes!  The DOJ is gonna come for me!!!!!11!

Hey Markie, I’ve read about about you. We’ll see what DOJ says!

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

My response:

Yes, kindly forward them to me.  You do know I have a law degree, and your threats of suits really doesn’t impress me, right?

You should start taking medication, I think you’ve slipped a few gears.

He followed that with another lawsuit threat, and is now commenting below.

Category: Politics