Jonathan Sharkey – Probably a One Seed in our next Stolen Valor Tourney

| October 27, 2011

 

When I say this dude is frutier than batshit, I mean it.

Meet Jonathan Sharkey:

Among his career highlights are:
Having the worst record as a candidate for public service I have ever seen: Although his status as a loser extends far beyond the political realm, this jackass has so far run for President twice, Congress in three different states, and governor of two states. He’s probably the only douche that could lose a debate to a mute.

He claims to be a Vampire, living on the blood of his mistresses and girlfriends: There is no way this round mound of hirsute jackassery got that rotund on blood. Seriously, go look at this picture and tell me this fat balding ball of fug got that fat from blood. Dude must be drinking it with a couple of hundred donuts. He looks like a Mr Potatohead with My Pretty Pony hair glued to it’s head.

He threatened to “impale” President Bush: Clearly not a real threat, as one could low crawl away from Hey Kool-Aid guy here, and just wait for his inevitable cardiac arrest. This guy is roughly as imposing as girl scouts selling cookies in front of Target. Which is ironic, because underage women are apparently all he can get.

He likes to essentially kidnap troubled underage girls: Dude, when you look like that, you have to go for the underage vampire chicks. First rule of being a fat, pasty, balding has-been is to go with what you know. It’s like fishing with dynamite, or hunting at the petting zoo, if that’s all you can do, you go with it. Problem here is that it is of course illegal. Naturally, he’s had plenty of problems with the law…

He likes to stalk: Which is ironic, because the the thought of this fatass sneaking up on anyone has me giggling. It’d be like Juraissic Park…there you are drinking your iced tea on the porch, and suddenly you see it sloshing back and forth. Earthquake? No, just that fat kid toucher trying to sneak up on the neighbors again. BTW- Is that a pterodactyl on your head, or plugs Mr. Impaler?

Anyway, this overstuffed balloon of fetid meat also has a Stolen Valor component to his atrocities. (That hair alone is worthy of investigation by the ICC.)  This sasquatch looking turd burglar claims:

The MOS’ Jonathon worked in while in the Army was – 13B (Field Artillery), 11C (Motars), 11B (Infantry), 11BX (Infantry Drill Segreant)18B (SF Weapons), 71D (Legal Clerk specialist), 79R (Recruiter).

Jonathon is also Sniper Trained and Qualified. He still practices his Sniper skills to this day.

During Jonathon’s 9 year total in the Army (DEP, AD, IRR, RES. NG and AGR), he was assigned to – Ft. Sill, OK, Ft. Benning, GA, Ft. Bragg, NC, Ft. Riley, KS, Ft. Dix, NJ and Ft. Monmouth, NJ. He did his Desert Training at White Sands, NM and an ARTEP at Ft. Drum, NY.

Jonathon is presently 100% Service-Connected by the Department of Veterans Affairs, as a result of his undergoing Total Left Knee Replacement.

Of course he had a knee replacement, hell, even tank treads wear out, and an Abrahms only weighs half of what Ninja jones here weighs. Now, would it suprise you to learn that his claims are completely full of shit? Anyone know any SF Sniper in history that only has a Army Service Ribbon and a Sharpshooter badge?

Anyway, hardass lardass here likes to send obscenity laced emails around, and threaten litigation, no doubt thanks to the 18 days he spent in the Army as a “Legal Specialist.”  After the fold, read the charming C-Bomb laced email he sent Mary from POW Network.

STRONG LANGUAGE WARNING AHEAD

Greetings Asswipes, Mary and Chuck Schantag,

Lookie lookie what I found – http://www.veteranvoice.com/forums/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=279

It seems in the posting you wrongly picked on other Vets too. Fuck you BITCHES!

Solid start there, I mean it has everything: a link to a piece written years ago, strong language, over-capitalization. Just straight up catching fire early.

But can he maintain the intensity?

Now, since you CUNTS want to act up, lets act up. I know where you live. So, here’s a challenge to you both, and any other CUNT that works for you.

Being from a descent of the greatest ruler ever – Prince Vlad Tepes aka The Impaler, I challenge you and those who work for you to a battle to the death in 2 months at Ft. Dix, NJ. In Jersey, the weak are killed and eaten. we are the greatest best, and most bad ass state in the UNION!

It will be on the lines of the Deadliest Warrior – http://tkohub.com/deadliest-warrior-sun-tzu-vs-vlad-the-impaler-video-s02e10-online-stream make sure you watch the part at 7 minutes.

Notice the completely unhinged use of obscenity, the ridiculous capitalization etc. I’m thinking fat ass here has been spending more time with steaks than stakes, and the only impaling he has been a part of was when he was staring at the business end of a fellow inmates stake in the Indiana prison system.

No firearms though. Medieval weapons. I will have U.S. Secret Service Agents I know from jersey be monitors of the battle, because, I don’t trust you domestic terrorists.

Like Vlad, I will beat you, torture you, IMPALE you, then dismember you and when all is said and done, I will decapitate you all, and your heads will be used that night for a Satanic Ritual. My God will be praised the day.

If you do not to accept my challenge in 24 hours, I will forward this email to the media, Soldier of Fortune Magazine (Col. Brown knows me by one of my other names), Veterans Magazines.

Then I will come to MIZZ with a film crew, and call you out. When you step outside your home, with cameras rolling, I will go Jersey on you, and beat the fuck out of you.

If you refuse to come outside, I will show all the world what a bunch of cowardly little fucks you are!

I await your response.

In Lucifer’s name –

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Love the threats, I mean seriously, it makes me chuckle. Okay tough guy, come on up to Indy, we can fight on the War Memorial Grounds. You bring your Secret Service friends, and I will bring my equally imagined companions: Smurfette, Nessie, one of the dwarfs from the Council of Elrond, an Amish porn star, several Minions from Despicable Me, and several of your girlfriends from the Niagra Falls area. You don’t think there is anyone that believes your horseshit do you? Being an internet tough guy falls apart when you look like a Manatee with back hair and a bald pate. Colonel Brown (yes, I’ve met him when I worked for the NRA) couldn’t give two shits about your idiotic ramblings, and I work for a veterans magazine, and I know we’d laugh and throw balogna at your fat ass if you tried to show up here with that idiotic video.

But, ok Sally, I’m accepted your lace glove challenge. Only, just to make it even I will fight with a plastic spork. Shit, all I’d have to do is walk in a circle and watch you crawl around like Jabba until your heart quits pumping. I’d probably fling pudding at you just to speed up the process.

Now, I put the odds at fairly high that he threatens us with a lawsuit. Good, kindly do so. I’ve read your idiotic legal taunts over at POW Network myself, and I actually have some knowledge in the subject, so, unlike you, I actually know what the hell I am talking about. Bring it on sweet-tits.

Do your plane-mates a favor though and buy two seats, no one wants your lard hanging over the seat divider into their face. Also, your moustache looks ridiculous unless you are trying to find the six-fingered man who killed your father.

UPDATE:  Ohes Noes!  The DOJ is gonna come for me!!!!!11!

Hey Markie, I’ve read about about you. We’ll see what DOJ says!

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

My response:

Yes, kindly forward them to me.  You do know I have a law degree, and your threats of suits really doesn’t impress me, right?

You should start taking medication, I think you’ve slipped a few gears.

He followed that with another lawsuit threat, and is now commenting below.

Category: Politics

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MCPO NYC USN (Ret.)

Someone pass me a black SHARPIE so I can color in the bold spot on SHARKEY!

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

Hello losers, or should I say FRIGGIN’ losers.

It’s so great to see you all Talking Crap about me here as usual. I encourage you to please continue doing so, as it boosts my ego and my GNAA rating.

Adam, you clearly don’t know what you are TALKING about. Of course I have a wife, how else would that domestic abuse charge even exist what are you talking about?

The lovely Mrs. Tepes is my girl, whose blood I enjoy sucking after she has enjoyed sucking Something of mine if you know what I mean. That porn stuff is just not true or a coincidence, either way I have no comment on it.

MCPO NYC USN (Ret.)

Impaler … you got me … stacked up next to you … you are right … I am the loser!

NHSparky

Dude, I’m looking at the hair you comb with olive oil and a fork, and that facial hair that looks like someone ran over your face with a fucking rototiller, and WE’RE the losers?

Stop. Hurt. Sides. Laughing.

And oh yeah, you live in Jersey. Scoreboard!

Adam Lewis

@ Tubby Sharkey.

Yeah, a coincidence that the images of a Russian teen porn actress ended up on the IMDb page of your “wife”….and on her blog…..and on her Facebook……before they were swapped out for the current unfortunate lass. A coincidence that makes the lottery odds look like an even bet lol

@ Hondo….I’m in Australia and to be honest, couldn’t be bothered contacting American VA. There are some here that apparently work there. Thought this might be of interest. If not, well that’s cool too.

KnightsWhoSayNi

Jonathan, I only have one question: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

O-4E

Could this be the long lost 3rd most dangerous man in the world?

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

Well I see that you Stupid Idiots really just can’t get the writing on the walls, can you? I want you to keep Talking about me, even if you are Talking Crap. It’s all good for the IMPALER because it boosts my large ego, which deserves to be large because I am quite Famous.

Man it is good to be me. You can shove your Porno claims up your Butthole because I will be too busy Making Demonic Love to beautiful Russian teenage girls who let me suck their blood after they suck my…

I think we all know who the Real Loser is. And it’s not the Cold-Hearted, blood-drinking, Pink-Pounding sniper that is the Impaler. Im winning in every way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to let you guys continue Talking about my celebrity status here.

Thank you Loyal Fans!!!

Green Thumb

Loser.

Ex-PH2

Famous? Never heard of the Impaler until I came here. Famous in his own room, by my guess.

Green Thumb

The only thing this clown has ever impaled was a manhole.

MyGySgtRet.

Hey turd, your ego aint the only thing on you that is large. The only thing this fat tub of shit meat suit has impaled is a stack of pancakes….with a goddamn fork…It is awesome that he keeps coming back for abuse.

rb325th

@ 163, I think he has had much experience having his manhole impaled as well.

PintoNag

Can you imagine how many diseases he can contract from drinking blood?

Sucks to be him, when he sucks on the wrong neck!

Karma. Gotta luv it.

Green Thumb

@166.

I do not think he is sucking necks….

Twist

This guy would climb through a mountain of vaginas to get to one asshole.

Robot Wrangler

Damn that guy has a five head not a forehead. That and the only one shot one kill this guy has ever had was one of the two brain cells he was using…

Ex-PH2

The blank stare… the obviously fake actor’s muttonchops… the hair extensions… Hey! I figured it out! The photo is a plastic mannequin’s head!

Veritas Omnia Vincit

Winner?

If being a winner means molesting eastern European teenagers desperate to escape their miserable living conditions while being a disgusting fat body I shall count myself quite lucky indeed to not be a winner by your definition.

Robot Wrangler

I think he is using the Charlie Sheen definition of Winning… I think he is winning the creepy, pathetic, attention whore award myself.

Adam Lewis

Here is a story told by Jonathon Sharkey’s Ex-wife on Facebook: “”When Jonathon’s wife left him at the end of their marriage, he rang her and said he had taken a bottle of pills, thinking she would run to him to save him. Instead, she called the police and sent them. When they got there, they found him in the pool wearing a woman’s bathing suit and sporting heavy make up. They came back and told her. Suffice to say she sobbed with laughter. As I am now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But the following “tale” is no laughing matter Big brave Jonathon was a violent child abuser. At first he was smart about it and he left no bruises, but then he started to get careless and his ex wife started to see bruises on their kids. As the kids were rarely clumsy and the bruises were in unusual locations, his ex-wife and step-daughter concocted a plan to catch him in the act, by pretending to leave the house and leaving him with the kids, but then sneaking back in quietly after a few minutes. That’s how they caught him. When she opened the living room door, Jonathon Sharkey was stepping on his 6 year old’s son’s head. His ex-wife went ballistic and attacked him for such a heinous act. He then hit his ex-wife, after he tried to grab his step-daughter by the throat for her part in helping catch him in the act of hurting the kids. After the step-daughter avoided the choke-hold, Jonathon Sharkey threw a punch, which his ex-wife stepped in the way of, collecting her in the jaw. She told him he punched like a pussy and began to beat the piss out off him, as any decent and sane person would. Nothing better than bashing a bully. It was then the step daughter opened the front door and as he had weak knees, a huge fat gut and no balance, they both pushed him through the door, then shoved the son of a bitch down a flight of stairs. He landed on the bottom like a… Read more »

EdUSMCleg

Tampa, eh? I live 15 minutes from Busch Gardens…. Why was he never sent to jail?

Adam Lewis

He was. At least three times that I know of. But for abusing his kids or his ex wife? I dunno. Sometimes thugs have such an emotional, physical or psychological hold over their spouse that whilst they are in the abusive relationship they believe they’re at fault. There are a multitude of reasons why she never reported him. She may very have reported him, but here was insufficient evidence to prove an offence. I can’t be sure.

Why don’t you ask Tubby himself? He seems to still be monitoring this truly epic article and thread of comments LOL

BTW, he lives on East Boulevard, next to Busch Gardens. But be careful if you want to visit his hovel. It apparently smells like cat shit and piss, as he has about a dozen of them crammed into his apartment

Adam Lewis

Sharkey’s ex-wife, (a sassy and strong cuban woman), found false strap-on breasts in his closet. He told her they were for a play he was in. Their kids were only infants. He kept his cross-dressing and sexual confusion a secret for a few more years and then one day, she was taking a bath and Jonathon came into the bathroom and told her he had something serious to talk to her about. He told her he had been taking female hormone pills because… well… he felt more like a woman than a man. (no fucking shit, I say). He planned on having a sex change, but that he didn’t want to end the marriage. He wanted her to stay with him and be his lesbian lover. She told him to go drop dead. She told him she likes cock too much and how the FUCK could he consider doing this with two young children. She told him she wanted a divorce, climbed out off the bathtub and began to beat the piss out of him with the back-scrubber. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Green Thumb

Nice.

EdUSMCleg

Wow… This dude (or whatever) is a fucking weirdo. I know a lot of the Sheriff’s Deputies out this way. I’ll have to see if they know him. Someone with that background has to be known, I would think.

Just an Old Dog

Great gobs of catshit Batman!!! just google this ass monley and see all the crap that pops up.

Adam Lewis

Well that appeal went well, didn’t it? LMAO!

Jailed for stalking and breaching a protection order multiple times. How surprising….

Hondo

Folks, you ain’t gonna believe this sh. . . .

http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/USCOURTS-ohnd-1_07-cv-01089/pdf/USCOURTS-ohnd-1_07-cv-01089-0.pdf

http://in.findacase.com/research/wfrmDocViewer.aspx/xq/fac.20120321_0000294.SIN.htm/qx

Yeah, he actually filed those lawsuits – along with a ton of others, apparently.

Un-freaking-believeable.

Valkyrie

For years I have tried real hard not to comment on anything having to do with this T-tard-tommy but shit enough’s enough!!!

You are NOT famous you fucking bafoon, you are “Internet Famous” they are not one in the same. You are “Internet Famous” for being a fucking joke. NOT for being funny or telling jokes but for being One! Come on what are you stupid and I don’t mean the custesy stupid most accuse I mean the “Johnny get your helmet you stupid fuck”.It’s time for you to wisen up and slink on back under your rock and fucking stay there.

At first it was so sad thinking here is some poor slob that doesn’t have the mental capacity to realize when people are laughing at him and not with him. But the saying “once a stupid fat fuck always a stupid fat fuck” wasn’t made up on the fly to describe you, Oh, no wait it was. Anyhoo I digress.
All your problems you have brought on yourself, and more importantly you chose to inflect others with you asshattery and the world is now done with you. Go on now run along. Go play in traffic, go bite someone, go suck on something that goes Boom!

BTW: My favorite part of your article on Cracked.com was this one. “When not drinking blood twice a week, Sharkey is making plans for his America. If you guessed that he supports legal immigration but would execute illegal immigrants by impaling them, you have a stunning gift for guessing fucked up shit. If you guessed that he’s also pro-life, you appreciate irony.” He’s also a republican. Haha!!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-5-most-ridiculous-attempts-to-be-vampire-in-real-life/#ixzz2Rx1ltlUi

Twist

Don’t hold anything back, Valkyrie, tell us how you really feel. 🙂

Hondo

Valkyrie: check your e-mail.

Valkyrie

@184 I wasn’t to soft on him was I? I’ve heard with the special cases you have to be firm but understanding.

@185 My hero!! Thank you!

Adam Lewis

From the second link Hondo provided:

“He further contends that she became angry with him on several other occasions and hit him with his Star Wars Lightsaber”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Green Thumb

This clown’s cheese has slid WAY off his cracker.

Extra turd he is.

OldSargeUSAR

@183 – You’re exactly right about “stupid”… Stupid cannot be cured. Stupid is forever. The Tubby Inhaler cannot be cured.

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[…] Jonathan “The Cock Inhaler” Sharkey v. 15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” […]

Mike F.

His weight isn’t the primary issue with his knee. The only reason his knee is wearing out faster than it should is that it’s trying to escape.

A Proud Infidel & Patriot

He’s as stupid as Phillip Dale Monkress & Paul Wickre(GOOGLE HIT!!). I mean SO STUPID, they’d take the #5 bus twice to make up for missing the #10, then they’d blame TAH for not getting where they needed to go while they threatened to sue!! YEAH, sic your “lawer” on me!!!

Rence

I know that this is already an older post, but, does it make me a horrible person if the thought of him challenging me to a duel to the death just brings a smile to my face? even if the aforementioned duel was to be contested without firearms?

I’m not a violent person, almost a pacifist, but for an asshat like this, i could certainly make an exception.

If it were worth the effort, i’d almost start a campaign online just to push him to the point where he would, but i have a feeling that he’d never have the balls to go through with it anyway. (particularly since i’d almost bet he hasnt seen his own balls in years so he may not even know if he still has them)

But, i can dream lol

Big Al

You guys ever see Impaled, painfully blunt? It’s a very elaborate practical joke on Jonathon Sharkey disguised as a documentary. It’s funny as hell because he literally fails at EVERYTHING. Swordsman? Fail. Wrestler? Fail. Boxer? FUCKING fail. I’m not one to talk, as I can’t fight at all, but I could kick his ass.

Green Thumb

You forgot male and man.

He failed on both of those as well.

Green Thumb

I can only imagine that this turd has been laying low in Phil Monkress’ (CEO of All-Points Logistics) basement with an apple in his mouth.

And probably getting paid with our tax dollars as well for his “services”.

But I doubt he sucking blood, if you know what I mean.