Join the exciting world of Stolen Valor Investigations
Some of yuz might be aware of a recent opening in the Circle of Trust. Our resident Army guru has moved on to better things. If you would like to join this exciting field of unlimited bullshit and mass confusion, please do not hesitate to contact us.
All we ask of an investigator is:
A willingness to put up with my constant haranguing.
Generally lucid individual that looks forward to being the FNG
Ability to give good phone.
Some of those highly trained operator language skills would be a plus.
Can deliver a compassionate approach to the monthly death threat.
An abundance of time currently devoid of any purpose.
Possess an ability to decipher clues.
Preferably they have been in the Army, knows someone who has been in the Army or at least slept with someone that was in the Army.
A good working knowledge of all that Army Bling, patches, pins, and hats would be really helpful.
They will have to sign an SF-180, pass a background check, complete some home schooling and be willing to attend a formal course that will actually make them a Private Investigator.
You can complete additional training if you wish to do Fugitive Recovery and or Personal Protection.
If you are still living in your mothers basement, have a man bun, are afraid of scary black guns, or spend a significant part of the day playing with yourself…this is probably the career opportunity you have been waiting for.
The good new is; I am the Stable Genius of the crowd. The rest of these guys really got some serious issues. So if you just can’t seem to get that edge back since they made you turn in your Contractor Satellite Phone and they stopped sending checks your way…hit me up. I can put you knee deep in the shit.
We try to work with most disabilities.
Neatness counts, we like to keep things organized.
Thank you for your time. Please send inquiries to dave@militaryphony.com
Category: Antiwar crowd, Feel Good Stories, Media, Military issues, Phony soldiers, Politics, Terror War, Valor Vultures
OOH!!!
*raises hand*
Me me me me!
Do I get a key to the executive TAH washroom too??
Yes, it’s that clump of brush pines behind the shed.
Hell, I thought it would be something really fancy, like a two-seater privy!!
I was hoping for a M60A1 suspension system!
OMG! I haven’t seen the designation (M-60) since I was at Ft. Carson, CO when that was THE tank in training.
When I got to Nam late ’67 – it was the M-48-A3 – a 90mm main gun as opposed to the 105mm of the M-60. Weight was apparently the problem as I recall.
Now, I was on M-113’s (11th ACR) so I was not a tanker – but those Tank guys were great!
And, yes the RPG-7 penetrated the front slope of the M-48 – I saw it happen.
Memories.
Memories!
The M-60 was the tank used in training 66-67 at Ft. Carson with the 12th ACR when I was there.
When I got to Nam in Nov. 67 it was the M-48-A3 with a 90mm main gun as opposed to the 105mm of the M-60. I was on M-113’s with the 11th ACR.
Nobody was immune to the RPG-7 since I saw one penetrate the front slope of an M-48.
God rest that driver’s soul.
MRE carton sleeve w/ clear trash bag insert, enough room for you and 10 of your friends!
An additional qualifier that will put any candidates at the top of the short list is:
Your name is Lamont Cranston./smile
Why do I know that name??
😉
The Shadow knows!!!
Doc & Fyrfighter; If you have Sirious XM, channel 148 has all the old radio shows or just google them up on the old PC.
Jeff….I do, and oddly enough, its my daughter that listens to the old radio shows, in my truck and on her computer.
A 23 y/o with a taste for the oldies…and old 40’s and 50’s Ray Harryhausen sci fi movies.
Very cool! I was thinking about re-upping my subscription, this just might be what pushed me to do it..
Thanks Jeff!
Yours truly, Johnny Dollar!
Love the classics, they even have Dragnet with Jack Webb.
YES!! Somebody else knows Johnny Dollar. Except that some of us heard it originally.
Bob Baily and some other radio show people played the lead role in the Johnny Dollar episodes. Tales of the Texas Rangers and Richard Diamond Are also great.
The “Shadow” knows………heh, heh, heh.
Some guy named Lamont Cranston signed for a shitload of equipment from the USAF in Zagreb, Croatia in 1996. Or so I’ve heard.
Sherman T Potter signed for 4 HMMWVs in Dhahran, SA back in 91.
It was a real hoot to see the confusion 7 months later in Jubail as the unit had to turn them in….
Sherman T Potter had to turn the vehicles into Joe Friday.
I always wonder what they did with those vehicles….
I have a very hazy memory of a SSG Joe Friday, I think he was a mechanic in 229th Signal. I was drunk for a couple years, hence the hazy memory. And he looked nothing like Jack Webb!
Jebeebus. That post was a scream. It’s a keeper.
The Soviet says I have completely recovered, please return to your usual sarcastic self.
That is all.
Thank God! Just one more day of being nice and I’d have been looking for a cliff. (Yeah. Why don’t I just give it one more day…)
You got me at Helen Keller!!!
I know – I don’t think I have laughed that hard at a Meme ever.
My last SF-180 was lost in the St louse record fire during the space shuttle crash. And I am still waiting for a copy from the Obama library.
i joined a group like this this once for the college money, next thing you know i was making friends with camel spiders and Sunnis!
I was in until that part about with playing with myself…and the relative lack of free time devoid of purpose…plus serving only a single enlistment period back when the only armor we had was our white t-shirt and pickle suits I’m not learned enough in the current state of military paperwork to be at all useful.
Best of luck finding solid candidates, those are some big fucking footprints to follow in.
VOV, Dave et al,
I’ll just leave this here as my reply to that comment big shoes.
If you want to post the picture, feel free. not mine.
I’ll stick to my serious/corny/puns/yolks on my comments. As I’ve said in the past, I’m not PC savvy and I pay Ma Bell extra moola shmoola for online tech support chats to fix up things that I screw up.
I am already trained, and am a MESNA. I have a team of associates too. Hiring me would be cheap compared to hiring the other contenders.
Cheese,
Dennis Howard Chevalier
Denny H. Chevalier
YAAAS!
Plus, you would have no qualms about being Dave’s meat shield!
And sharks, including land sharks, will not go near you after a snack of pepper jack.
Is there medical and dental… and do I get Columbus Day off. That could be an issue for me.
You are off every day, you have always been a little off.
hey hey hey, we’ll have none of that here. pretty sure it was renamed “native American cultural destruction day” or something similar last year.
don’t remember what the snowflakes were calling it, exactly.
How about a Navy guy that has a black belt in Google-fu?
Dave, if you need someone to help with the Navy side of things, I’m game. Jonn had my 214 but I’ll be happy to sign a 180 if you like.
Diddo, I still remember some submarine stuff and what I don’t remember Sparky can sign off my qual card for.
Also, I know a guy that knows a guy that attended a police academy if that ever becomes an issue. 🙂
As long as you don’t start giggling and snorting when someone says he was with the Band of Brothers in the Viet of the Nam in 1978, you’re probably okay to go.
Do you have to know “How not to be seen”?
You’ve forgotten the first lesson…not to stand up.
I did not read much mention about pay and benefits package or access to the TAH Dassault Falcon 7X. I guess that is automatic?
I’ve been told I give great phone.
Is it cool if our GT score is a fraction and our boot size is scientific notation?
Asking for a fuhwend…
The last guy was infantry too. I bet it would be just fine.
I was getting use to almost non-stop death threats and I’m going to sue you
And then it stopped but every now and then it starts up again
All thanks to a phony from one of my old units from the NG I was in
Colt Kelly Lee Vernon Albert Bulot, or Colt Bulot or Call to Booty Colt Bulot
What ever his Facking name is.
It actually topped what use to happen at my ole civi job working for the
Gaming control board and a part time security job at MGM
Absolutely amazing
Mrs Skippy was not happy with Dumb-Ass and his antics
But Karma is a bitch
I guess what I was trying to say is
Sure I’m game if mrs skippy
Says yes
👍👍👍
Thanks for the offer Dave.
I can do the SF-180 and background check but I have other “issues” that prevent me from dealing with certain people in a civilized manner. Other than that I’d love to get death threats and make enemies.
Is there a way to compile the threats of vengeance and death into a complete volume that could benefit the prolonged existence of TAH?
Ex-PH2 and Dave Hardin
I sent you two a E-Mail my post is being blocked What’s up ????
No idea, Skippy, but I saw that, too. It shouldn’t be, but I can’t unstick it because it isn’t on one of my posts.
Dave Hardin has to do that.
I got it
Thank you
Uh oh, you made it to the TAH Black List.
Sounds like a racist list…
👍
Dave Hardin, AW1Ed, Ex-PH2, et al,
Some breaking news stories that may be of interest to Team TAH:
‘Antifa members in Berkeley smash windows of US Marine Corps recruiting office during protest’
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/08/06/antifa-members-in-berkeley-smash-windows-us-marine-corps-recruiting-office-during-protest.html
‘Florida armed bystander stops gunman at crowded back-to-school event at park, police say’
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/08/06/florida-armed-bystander-stops-gunman-at-crowded-back-to-school-event-at-park-police-say.html
Please confirm that future news stories of interest should be sent to Dave Hardin at dave@militaryphony.com.
Thanks…
That’s the correct place to send them, Mick.
Wow, those black-clothed gangbangers really are a brave bunch, aren’t they?
Personally, I think all recruiting offices, including those for civilian businesses, should be moved out of Berserkely. But that’s just me. Anyone besides me wonder if that commie commenter from UC-Berserkely was on the sidelines?
see having recruited in Woodstock, NY ( yep, tree huggers, hippies and druggies) i doubled down when i got crap from the silent ladies in black protesting the war. i asked for volunteers from my guard unit to help hand out fliers, i bribed them with pizza and beer at the Armory after we were done and i had about 30 troops from the unit descend on woodstock on a nice sunny sunday afternoon answering questions, giving out cards and flyers and buying ice cream for some kids out of their own pocket…, i never got any more trouble trying to put up my posters and cards at the post office after that…
He was probably there for “moral support”…
Naw! If he was there, he was looking for hippie chicks for an afternoon tete-a-derriere.
Wasn’t there talk of allowing recruiters to be armed after that Navy office got shot up (in Atlanta? maybe)?
That’s the place, Mick.
Forget the key to the executive washroom, what about the key to the liquor cabinet and humidor? Oh yeah, forgot, as the FNG would have to have that to restock same. Is the company car 2 wheeled? Uniform of the day pink & fuzzy? Is Ex-PH2 and the Soviet running the Mess Hall? So many questions. Limited computer skilz, still trying to figure out how to change the ribbon and shift to red. Phone skilz just above 2 snuff cans and a piece of string. Not afraid of death threats, been living on borrowed time for decades. Lost scary black gunz in tornado. Do have a basement, but it’s mine; No Man bun receeded from front to rear. Survived 3 ex wives. When the bottom of the barrel is scraped out I’ll be the candidate left. Volunteered for dangerous work in ’71 and that worked out fairly well for me. Hit me up.
Is there any math involved?
I work full time but will help with whatever I can. I am fairly well versed on the Army stuff.
Dave, I only speak “Old Corps”military and English poorly. My talk to write app does understand half my words. About handling death threats does “does where do I meet you to see who dies” count. I do see you are recovering from either Exph or the Soviet’s lessom in manners. Joe
I kind of like this: I live about a half mile from the police station. Would you like to meet me in the parking lot so we can see who dies first?
I hear DW has alot of free time, call him.
I am afraid he has been busy doing his own thing.
I’m also tossing my hat into the ring.
I’m am considered somewhat of an expert on all things concerning the Army & the Navy.
I have watched more times than I can remember:
Navy Seals starring Charlie Sheen
The Hurt Locker starring Jeremy Renner
Under Siege starring Steven Seagal
and of course,
Top Gun starring Tom Cruise.
My application is being sent in as we speak.
Will be waiting with bated breath for your response.
Well…you knocked me outta the running….I never saw Under Seige.
“never saw Under Seige”[sic] Too bad/smile
Spoiler Alert – The theme of the movie is waiting for Miss July 89 Jordon Tate to jump nekkid out of a roll-around birthday cake.
I am thinking there are a lot of people around here that do not know the color of the Hereford boathouse.
Maybe some reference to Chudnofsky would be more fitting.
S/F
Why would anyone not see “Under Siege”? Look at what it’s got going for it:’
Tommy Lee Jones as a bad guy, although he could have been badder, if they’d let him
A REAL battleship, not some plastic model in a tank
Some really, really, cool, off-the-wall secret squirrel equipment
A meeting of senior Navy officers in a parking garage, with Dracula sitting on one side of the table
(Dracula? Frank Langella – hubba-hubba!)
And Steven Seagal admits that he also cooks. That should be required during BUD/s.
What’s not to like?
Any film with Gary Busey gets 50 extra crazy-pants points…
Did a little research that was interesting to me, maybe not so much to anybody else, but here goes:
All three actors (who had the main roles in Under Siege) were Viet Nam Draft age eligible. They drew the Lottery Numbers of 113, 194 and 353. None ever served.
One of the actors, shortly prior to his birth year age group drawing, felt an urge to move overseas and didn’t return to the US until 1974.
Another of the actors has more black belts in various martial arts than the actor who is renowned in films for being a martial artist.
YMMV as to whether this means anything to you or not./smile
Gary Busey’s black belts are mostly Gary Busey fantasy.
One must be able to instantly recognize a plot point in case a POSer employs it, such as refusing to kill women and children and punching out his commanding officer. Then, quotes are helpful as well:
* “Never get out of the boat.”
* “Di-di mau, di-di mau”
* “I ain’t got time to bleed.”
* “Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?”
* “Five men is a juicy opportunity, one man’s a waste of ammo.”
* “Stupid is as stupid does.”
* “Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window.”
“Left skid low”. That’s a good one.
“Wanna see my M&M collection?” is a solid winner.
“I must have been overzealous and adopted their persona” is a tough one to beat.
“You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.”
“I could’ve been somebody, but now I am somebody else. Who I’ll be tomorrow, is anybody’s guess.”
Generation Kill will give you an encyclopedic knowledge of Marine Recon. You’re welcome.
Don’t worry, boys. Things are moving ahead.
Chow hall opens at 18:00 hours and you bring your own beverages, ’cause my Host Liquor Liability coverage is out of sight now. (That means I don’t want to pay for your drunk driving accidents.)
There is a decoder ring, I forgot to mention the decoder ring.
But we don’t need no stinking badges.
No, but you do need a cook…. and a campfire…. and a bag to put over their heads.
Remember, no matter where you go… there you are.
I can Blow shit up with my mind. That oughta cull the herd of applicants quite considerably.
Mayhem, are you my irritable bowel? Because it blows shit up regularly.
LOL ! on rare occasions I have been known to cause irritable bowel.
Rumor has it that this process will be captured on video and made into a reality series similar to “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team.”
So, bring your A-game, leave your ego at the door and give it 100%.
Skimpy, tight pants may help your cause.
Skinny tight pants?
Do you get points for only getting one leg in, or bonus points for getting two legs in, or the whole enchilada if you pull them up over your
butt /waist AND button & zip them?
Inquiring minds need to know.
I don’t know Army like Jonn did. But I do smell BS when I see it.
Maybe I will throw may hat in the ring.
Or, maybe I will just be me.
Sure am glad that an Army type is what you need now. Too old to learn new stuff at this late date! And I already get enough hate mail from those crazy guys wanting to send me money, cheap prescriptions, and the solution to that penial problem I don’t have.
Saw a very judicious used of the word ARMY in the position description, Dave.
Being a NAVY guy, I guess I’m overqualified for the job…
(runs and hides) 🙂
I would rather do SF 85P, as opposed to SF 86. SF 180 to send you my unremarkable OMPF? Naw. Nothing but fireguard ribbon, sharpshooter at rifle, and a recently added NDSM via DD 215 that I had to bitch for and wait over one year for due to ARBA being flooded with bad paper discharge reviews. PFC rank, UHC discharge, article 15, MOS records, ASVAB scores, soup sandwich records, Abstinence certification, etc.
Never.
Again.
Volunteer.
Yourself.
I’m just a cook… just a lowly, lowly cook.
Logistics and Sweeping Shit under the Rug
Very unremarkable job in the army
Hours of SIPER with a whole lot of NIPPER
Tons of flying and driving and ZERO flyer miles
Wow, some of those comments must have come from writers for MASH!
Retired CSM, 21 years of service, 57-78, depending on the amount of time required, I would love the job!
Thanks, I’m going to hell for laughing at the Helen Keller photo