The Pre-Emptive Draft Dodger

You guys look like you could use a little laughter in your lives, so here’s some more satire that was rejected by The Duffel Blog;

Jared Chrystal, an 18-year-old college student from the State University of New York at Stonybrook was draped over the wingback chair in the trendy Baker Street Cafe of Ottawa, Ontario, for brunch. He picked through the Bruchetta Eggs Benny, which was seated atop giant mushroom caps and sipped at his coffee as he spoke. “As far as I know, I’m the first draft dodger from the US hiding out in Canada since the Vietnam Era” says Chrystal through a mouthful of eggs. “Which is what I’m going for here”.

Even though there is no draft in effect in the United States, Jared has applied for refugee status in Canada. “When I turned 18, my father took me to the Post Office and forced me to register for the Selective Service. He told me that it was the law, and it got me to thinking about the real possibility that sometime in the future, someone might make me do something I don’t want to do, so I did the only thing I could think of…I defected to Canada.”

“My inspiration was Corey Glass” explains Chrystal. Corey Glass went AWOL from the Indiana National Guard in 2006 and fled to Canada, unaware that he’d been discharged on January 1, 2006. Glass became the so-called “Poster Boy” of the deserters in Canada, even though he wasn’t wanted by the Army or any law enforcement agency because he wasn’t really a deserter. Glass still fought for his status as a refugee in Canada despite the fact that he wasn’t a refugee of anything.

“That’s what I’m doing,” said Chrystal, “You know, the Defense Department is making military service so thankless, what with no pay raises, slashing incentive bonuses, hiking retiree healthcare costs, increasing the training time they’ll be requiring from National Guard and Reserve soldiers, they’re going to have to start up the draft just to keep those uniforms filled.”

“You know that after they start the draft, Canada is going to get crowded, so I’m just camping out at the head of the line”.
So what does young Jared do all day? “It’s just like being at college, actually”, smiles Chrystal. “I play video games all day, except when I need to eat. Luckily they give me lots of these Canadian dollars and I can eat in nice touristy restaurants like this one. I don’t know where the money comes from, but then, that’s like college, too. I’d ask my parents for cash and they’d send it to me – same here, except my parents unfairly cut me off, so I have to get this free money from the Canadian government. I think my mom wanted to keep sending money, but my dad wouldn’t let her. He’s such a fascist, you know?”

But doesn’t Jared miss the States? “It is a little tougher here than in the US, I have to walk more than two blocks to get from Starbucks to Starbucks sometimes. Oh, did you notice that they drive on the right side of the street here? I didn’t expect that.”

So, certainly, Canada isn’t going along with this obviously specious refugee claim. Not so according to Jason Kenney, Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism; “Well, we’re not idiots here in Canada,” says the Minister “But what with Saddam Hussein gone, the Taliban with no country to ravage, Gaddafi pushing up daisies, we don’t get many refugees anymore. We have all of this government housing sitting empty, and taxpayer money is just getting moldy in our treasury. Besides, technically, according to our guideline regulations, anyone who doesn’t live in Canada is mistreated by their government.”

Category: Satire