Chief Justice Roberts Regional – Round One

As I mentioned yesterday, each of these perfidious asshats steals something from wounded troops, and exposing them is not enough. So, go and make a donation in the name of some dirtbag to Soldiers Angels Valour IT project. Just imagine that you were wounded and couldn’t use your hands to operate a computer, wouldn’t you want to read about these guys stealing from you? I would. And with voice activated computers, they can do that. So, go give some money, and make sure Team Army wins.

VOTE AT BOTTOM OF THIS POST.

 1 Tim “Stuttering Jackass” Poe (L) v.
16 Jorge “Columbian Medal of Valor Recipient” Cruz (R)

POE: He got hit in the head with an RPG and walked away with a stuttering problem. He can’t bear to think about what happened in the war so he deleted all his pictures and downloaded other ones. His crying on National TV made me crying after the Super Bowl seems downright butch in comparison. Andy Dick could bitchslap him and tell him to Man Up and it wouldn’t get any funnier. As Sniper memorialized…. “With a blatant lack of sorrow- sorrow for my character poor-Now I bear the name and title of the craven attention whore-I’m a liar evermore.” As Jack Handy once noted: “It takes a big man to cry. But it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.”

CRUZ: Yeah, so, there he was… “This was — this was the beginning of Iraq, just before the beginning of the Iraq war. Right after 9/11, like I said, we went to Afghanistan. We suck out — we were seeking out high value targets. And there was one incident that kind of strikes me that I’ve always talked about and people wonder why I talk about it. But it’s, like, it’s always stuck in my mind. That’s where I got the Navy Cross.” There was this one incident that sticks out to me as well. When During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveller came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants, they chose a new form for him – that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!

 

8 Alex “Subway Sandwich Shop Commando” Popovic (L) v.
9 Derek “Mutant Strain of GWS” Walls (R)

POPOVIC: From our first report: “A lovely young lady who will remain nameless here sent the following piece to us about a guy she met in her local Subway sandwich shop while he was slicing and dicing and telling his war stories. She thought it was a little odd that he’d being working in a sandwich shop after he told her that he’d been advising President Bush on strategy for the global war against terror and did some research on the guy.”  You can laugh now, but when Jared the Subway dude is named SecDef, you’ll know the power of sandwich artistes. 

WALLS:  “In his interview with FLORIDA TODAY, Walls would not discuss whether lying during the past two decades was necessary to contribute to his community and would not delve further into his military record.  ‘There are certain things Marines don’t want to discuss,’ he said when FLORIDA TODAY pressed for further explanation. ‘Some things are better left not talked about.’”  What things don’t Marines like to talk about?  I lived with a LCPL in DC for a while and dude never shut up.  He’d just randomly bring up topics to talk to himself about, like how well hung the Cookie Monster probably is.

 5 James “Jumpmaster Noflash” Bryan (L) v.
12 Ayush “Major in the Navy SEALs” Arora (R)

BRYAN: Much like Wittgenfeld, Bryan is a sad case.  Believe it or not, he really was a Master Sergeant, a Jumpmaster, he really does have a Silver Star, he really does have Bronze Star Medal with a Valor device, 2 Purple Hearts and an ARCOM with a Valor device, but there’s no CIB, no Special Forces training, no Free Fall badge, no Pathfinder School, no First Sergeant assignment.  If you have a Silver Star, why the hell would you add a Pathfinder badge?  Seriously?  Isn’t that like having Kate Upton jump naked out of a birthday cake and you looking forward to the chocolate frosting?

ARORA: Dude claimed to be a Major in the Navy SEALS.  Again, a MAJOR IN THE SEALS.  There has only ever been one Major in the SEALS, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.  Who would later have gender reassignment surgery and become Mrs. Stinsfire after a long battle with phallumegaly.   Actually, now that I think of it, that might not be true either.

4 Bill “Psychic SEAL” Brockbrader (L) v.
13 Larry “Cambodian Drummerboy” Marquez (R)

BROCKBRADER:  His video is the greatest thing since opposable digits.  “Hear how he was trained in Area 51 as a specially gifted group of highly classified psy spies to see beyond the famous Looking Glass technology into the future involving 2012 and beyond. Find out how this highly trained young man and his team were coerced by the military into purposely destroying villages and creating future terrorists as part of a plan that would ultimately serve their dark purpose, the war on terror and 911. ”  I was once in a very similar unit, a sort of interspecies A-Team.  It was Me, Sam the Eagle, Camilla the Chicken, Fozzie Bear, Rowlff the Dog and Rizzo the Rat.  We sat there and intoned the major words “Mahna Mahna” while looking through a 1300’s invention called a window.   We had 8 in our team, but the old bastards Statler and Waldorf  bitched non-stop so we sent them to an MP unit.  (I keed, I keed)

 MARQUEZ:  From Stripes: “Lilyea raised questions about whether Marquez, whose current age Stars and Stripes reported as 55, would have been too young to serve during the Vietnam War. Lilyea also questioned the timing of Marquez’ alleged year-long deployment in Cambodia, given that most U.S. troops were withdrawn from Cambodia by the end of 1970 and from Vietnam in 1973.”  He could have been a drummer boy, right?  Or maybe he played the cowbell.  No one fears the reaper provided you have sufficient cowbell. 

3 Graham “IVAW Ranger Brigade” Clumpner (L) v.
14 Stephen Frank Cio “The Fourth most dangerous NDSM recipient in the world” Burrel (R)

CLUMPNER: His IVAW thing had the stupidest bio I have ever seen.  “told to deploy to Iraq with a reserve unit..I resisted and went underground for the next 9 months until I received enough disability to be released from my orders.  I know what it feels like to be afraid and I want to help others never feel the way I did.  Racism, Patriarchy, Poverty and Militarism have to end.  We will be the light at the tip of the candle.”  Forget all the other crap, but WHERE IN THE HELL ELSE WOULD THE LIGHT OF A CANDLE BE?  Also, living underground will scare just about anyone.  I hope you went into the depths armed with a Winnie the Pooh nightlight.  And some depends undergarments.

BURRELL:  Look, I might not be Johnny Prison Cell, but I’ve talked to enough Corrections dudes (Hi Trooper McCall and Hunter) to know that on day 1 you either shank somebody, or become a girlfriend.  I finally got around to reading Burrell’s complaint against the jail yesterday, and let’s review what he did.  Had a disagreement with this guy Allen over the TV being on BET, Burell walked away.  Allen cuts in the chowline, Burrell complains, Allen threatens to cut Burrell, Burrell walks away.  In the gym, Burrell got sweat on Allen, Allen pushes Burrell, Burrell walks away.  You seeing a pattern here?  The 4^th most dangerous man in the world is a total pussy.   I can totally see Burrell crying in his cell: “I don’t belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!”  Allen: “I had your mother, she wasn’t that good.”

6 Fermijon “Maggots and Rice” Marrero (L) v.
11 David “Toys and Total asshats” Lebrun (R)

MARRERO:  “The native of Spain was a prisoner of war from Dec. 15, 1966 until May 1968. The Vietnamese forced him and his cellmate to work for 16 hours each day in the rice patties while up to his knees in cow dung. The enemy only fed him twice a week, and all he received was an ashtray sized dish of rice filled with maggots.”  Same shit at my house brah!  My wife makes me work in hip high dirty clothes and only feeds me 7 times a week (Pork in a chipotle pomegranate sauce, with asparagus and Quinoa is tonight’s faire.)  Then again, the clothes are mine, and there’s always Lucky Charms if I need it.  Now I am hungry.  Damn you Marrero.  Who sells a good “Maggots and Rice” in Indy?  Yelp doesn’t seem to be helping.

LEBRUN: So this moron got himself arrested after “an investigation showed Lebrun was not authorized to wear the uniform nor the medals displayed on the uniform. He has been charged with Possessing military property without authorization; Wearing a military uniform without authorization; and False use of Veterans Organization insignia.”  This reminds me of the time Moby Dick stayed with us for a week…..No clip?  Thought there was a clip, ok, moving on…

7 Melanie Evalena “Meth made me ugly” Gutermuth (L) v.
10 Angel “Snagletoothed Douchasaurus” Ocasio (R)

GUTERMUTH: This chick is some weapons grade crazy-sauce.  After 4 months at Basic Training she was tossed.  Since then she promoted herself from E2-E5, faked being a widow, faked being injured, became a student speaker at colleges, couldn’t pass a PT test to get into ROTC, and then got banned from Texas State University.  After that she found a ring that made her invisible, lost it to a Hobbit (filthy Baginses!), spilled her guts to Sauron, then bit off Frodo’s finger.  Ironically, she looks better melted in Mt Doom than she does in this booking photo.

OCASIO: From ABC Tampa: “There’s something you should know about the man who identifies himself as Master Gunnery Sgt. Angel Ocasio. He never earned the Navy Cross or any of the medals he wears. He isn’t a Master Gunnery Sergeant, and according to the Marine Corps, he’s never been a Marine.  ‘We’ll I’ve been all over…Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Somalia, Grenada, Beirut, Panama,’ Ocasio boasted at a VFW.”  Take some time off from your world travels and hit a dentist dude, that’s some kind of grill you have there.  Last time I saw a mouth like that Boba Fett was falling into it after a jet pack malfunction.

2 Ron “Gunny Driveway” Mailahn (L) v.
15 Matthew “The Tattooed Phony” Beck (R)

MAILAHN: At 574 comments and counting on his post, Gunny Driveway here has always been a fan favorite.  Maybe it is the red T-shirt under his Marine uniform, maybe his unhinged comments, maybe the ex-wives showing up to bash the man senseless… For me it was the picture of his rotund then Fiancee hogtied, and the ensuing vomitus that I was forced to choke back.  Well, Ron has a new girl (Hi Diana! Nice boob shot on Date #2) and a new job (Mazda dealer) so he might be too busy to check in with us.   (P.S. You pump the neighbor’s dog again, Ron, or are you always slack eyed and silly in the afternoon?)

BECK: There are several things I am never getting tattooed on me: a girl’s name, the lyrics to Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band, Steve Buschemi’s angelic face, and the Special Forces, Ranger, Airborne and Sniper Tabs.  In Beck’s defense, he apparently only went with asinine option #4 here.  More curious though is him listing a job in the army on a linked-in page as “Flow Tester supervisor.”  I have no idea what that is unless he was the monitor for the whiz quizzes.  Is that even an MOS?  Cause that would be just fabulous.  (Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?  John Winger: mean, like, flaming, or… Recruiter: Well, it’s a standard question we have to ask. Russell Ziskey: No, we’re not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*. John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special?)

And now to the voting…..

Category: Phony soldiers