Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Sotomayor Regional – Round Three – Day One

I did not walk into the light, so I am back at work, but you still get an abbreviated/plagiarized version of the contestants.  Will try to make up for it next week peeps.

Books For Soldiers = awesome. Good people, good organization, send them some Dinar.

 

JUSTICE KENNEDY REGIONAL

Here we go, vote at bottom.

1 Tim “Stuttering Jackass” Poe v.
4 Bill “Psychic SEAL” Brockbrader

POE: Dude cried on TV more than when Kristen Stewart got caught boning a director and had to admit to her Twi-tards that she cheated on her werewolf. The guy that did the “Leave Brittney Alone!” video wrote me and said “That dude looks like the biggest sissy in history.” I can just imagine the increased flow of Estrogen if he takes home the win in the Stolen Valor Tournament. One small step for Poe, one giant leap for stuttering jackasskind.

BROCKBRADER: His video is the greatest thing since opposable digits. “Hear how he was trained in Area 51 as a specially gifted group of highly classified psy spies to see beyond the famous Looking Glass technology into the future involving 2012 and beyond. Find out how this highly trained young man and his team were coerced by the military into purposely destroying villages and creating future terrorists as part of a plan that would ultimately serve their dark purpose, the war on terror and 911. ” I was once in a very similar unit, a sort of interspecies A-Team. It was Me, Sam the Eagle, Camilla the Chicken, Fozzie Bear, Rowlff the Dog and Rizzo the Rat. We sat there and intoned the major words “Mahna Mahna” while looking through a 1300’s invention called a window. We had 8 in our team, but the old bastards Statler and Waldorf bitched non-stop so we sent them to an MP unit. (I keed, I keed)

3 Graham “IVAW Ranger Brigade” Clumpner  v.
2 Ron “Gunny Driveway” Mailahn

CLUMPNER: His IVAW thing had the stupidest bio I have ever seen. “told to deploy to Iraq with a reserve unit..I resisted and went underground for the next 9 months until I received enough disability to be released from my orders. I know what it feels like to be afraid and I want to help others never feel the way I did. Racism, Patriarchy, Poverty and Militarism have to end. We will be the light at the tip of the candle.” Forget all the other crap, but WHERE IN THE HELL ELSE WOULD THE LIGHT OF A CANDLE BE? Also, living underground will scare just about anyone. I hope you went into the depths armed with a Winnie the Pooh nightlight. And some depends undergarments.

MAILAHN: At 574 comments and counting on his post, Gunny Driveway here has always been a fan favorite. Maybe it is the red T-shirt under his Marine uniform, maybe his unhinged comments, maybe the ex-wives showing up to bash the man senseless… For me it was the picture of his rotund then Fiancee hogtied, and the ensuing vomitus that I was forced to choke back. Well, Ron has a new girl (Hi Diana! Nice boob shot on Date #2) and a new job (Mazda dealer) so he might be too busy to check in with us. (P.S. You pump the neighbor’s dog again, Ron, or are you always slack eyed and silly in the afternoon?)

JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR REGIONAL

Holy teeth.

8 Mike “Goth Special Forces” Wilson v.
5 Brian Leonard “T-Shirts and Tattoos make you a SEAL” Creekmur

WILSON: Look, who among us hasn’t gone out in public with a Tropic Lightening Patch, pencil thin moustache and eyeliner? According to his still-existent Facebook page “I can’t talk about my job discription. All I can say is that I was special forces.” Dude, first rule of SF is the same as Fight Club, don’t talk about it. Also, learn to spell. He kind of looks like an ugly tranny version of the chick from Evanescence. The flirting with Brianna Manning doesn’t help.

CREEKMUR: Only two things I have to say about Creekmur. First, the dude claimed to be from Excelsior College which cracks me up because every time I read that I hear AlGore in South Park lamenting ManBearPig and saying “Excelsior” to fly. Secondly, isn’t Creekmur the dude from the movie Waiting that was the chef who kept trying to do “The Brain”? Spitting image of that guy, even though IMDB tells me that dude’s name is “Chi McBride.” Which itself is a kind of awesome name. If I could rename myself it would be Namaste Waitforit McDreamysauce. I got lost somewhere writing this, let’s just move along.

11 Robert “72 medals and a dump truck to carry them” Vaughn v.
2 Jake “I rethunk whether I was in Astan” Diliberto

VAUGHN: “Vaughn is a VietNam vet with 72 decorations during the 5 years he was in VietNam in the 101 Airborn. [sic]” Yeah, probably not so much, but nobody can track his ass down. This silly sack of shit is wearing so much stuff on his left side it looks like he has palsy. As one person noted, he looks like the product of a 3-way between Soup Sandwich and the guys from ZZ Top.

DILIBERTO: As Jonn noted at one point: “His records say that he was in “Afganistan/Pakistan” but we know from our three witnesses that he only got as far as Pakistan before he flattened his penis and got sent back to the boat to scrape barnacles or whatever they do on boats these days.” I know this is supposed to be about Diliberto (and there’s plenty there for a guy from “Rethink Afghanistan” who has never been there) but can I take a detour? Who uses the phrase “flattened his penis”? Stepped on it with golf cleats, yeah, I’ve heard that one. But flattened? How would one even flatten a penis? All I know is that I am never using my Panini maker in the nude again. Thanks a lot Jonn.

 

Your Lyrics of the Day:

I’m not a coward, I’ve just never been tested
I’d like to think that if I was, I would pass
Look at the tested and think there but for the grace go on
I might be a coward, I’m afraid of what I might find out.

I’ve never had to knock on wood, But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could It makes me wonder if
I’ve never had to knock on wood
And I’m glad i haven’t yet
Because I’m sure it isn’t good
That’s the impression that I get.

So go ye now, and vote ye brains out…..

Category: Politics