FRG mixes eye of newt with wing of bat….
[On EDIT: Just to clarify….folks are emailing to say I am being too hard on FRGs and not all of them are like that. Fair enough. But the 3 I have been involved in have been monolithically horrid. They not only didn’t solve any problems, they either made them out of thin air, or exacerbated them. I have seen FRGs ruin marriages (as one commenter notes below) by starting rumors of infidelity. When we couldn’t call for a day, the FRG would run off with “someone got killed” rumors. All in all, my experience has been dreadful. And please, tell me a success story. Obviously my post is largely hyperbole since this is a semi-comedic blog. I have no doubt that some FRGs work REALLY hard. My problem is with the drama that seems to be intrinsic in these cases.]
Let me tell you a quick story. It’s about an infantry unit, let’s just call it Chahlee Chumpany to be non-specific. Once upon a time they were preparing to deploy to a country in the balkan region whose name rhymes with Nosbia-Smerzegovina. Anyway, they had to do a bunch of bullshit because they were Natty Guard, and no one trusted Natty Guard back then. So, out they go on a “week long” MRE (Mission Rehearsal Exercise.) Only the son of a bitch lasts 2 weeks. Finally they come in from the field. They are tired. They are sore. They smell bad. But first….to the phones to call loved ones.
With the first phone call you knew there was a problem. It went something like:
Soldier: Hey babe! I’ve missed you so bad.
Wife: You no good piece of shit, how dare you yada yada yada yada.
See, it seems in the absence of any intel, the FRG (Family Readiness Group, hereinafter “Witches Coven”) got together to devine through tarot readings, lamb entrail divination, and sheer insanity to come up with the most likely answer to our absence, and they hit upon the fact that we must have all contributed $10 to a pot, and the last person to call their wife won the entire amount. I mean sure, that’s Occam’s Razor at it’s finest right there, isn’t it?
Anyway, I bring that vignette to you to set the stage for this AWESOME post by Sal. Quoting from the article that he discusses:
The commander of Fort Bragg has barred the wife of an 82nd Airborne Division colonel from nearly all interaction with her husband’s brigade and the unit’s families after an investigation found her influence “detrimental to the morale and well-being of both.”
Sworn statements from the investigation, ordered in January by Lt. Gen. Frank Helmick, accuse Col. Brian Drinkwine’s wife, Leslie Drinkwine, of using her husband’s position as leverage to repeatedly harass and threaten soldiers and their families.
Anyway, go read his piece instead of my blather, but a few thoughts.
1) Being a wife of a colonel makes you…..a wife. Wife of a private….wife. You see how that works? EQUAL.
2) There may be a FRG out there that isn’t completely run on insane thoughts, caffeine, and conjured images of Beelzebub. I have yet to meet it.
3) I would rather sit naked in a hot tub with Elton John, the N’Sync dude, and the desicated corpse of Liberace than have a loved one attend an FRG function, which is why I sent BrownNeckGaitor to all of mine.
Caro makes me watch some really bad TV from time to time. I’ve only ever drawn the line at 2 I won’t watch. Now, to give this perspective, I watched a show this weekend where teams competed to make the best Toy Story 3 cake. That’s right, I watched people bake. I once watched a show where people made clothes out of things they picked up at Home Depot, the dude that won made a dress out of trash bags. At one point he said he felt like a queen, and another dude pointed out that he *was* a queen. I draw the line at Glee (which thanks to Jimbo I may have to cave on) and Army Wives. To (mis)quote the late, great SSG [Misshapen Ear], I would rather tap dance naked through a minefield wearing snow shoes on my feet struggling to get to a field phone to listen to Rosie O’Donnell fart over it than watch Army Wives. That show always reminds me of the horror that was the FRG.
Anyway, go read Sal’s piece. If you have something nice to say about an FRG, I am all ears. But I have to be honest, I would be more willing to believe you saw a hippogryph mating with a unicorn under an overpass on your ride to work than hear that you were once in a fully functional, non-drama FRG.
Category: Politics
While in High School I worked at a Commissary frequented by the wives of the people that worked in the 5-sided buildings. Worst group of people to deal with were the wives of 1- and 2-stars. Because those ladies, as a whole, believe themselves to be 4-stars and didn’t mind tossing “their” rank around.
Reading the entire article, the General made the situation worse. That is one whipped General! She is not allowed to go near the FRG except for memorial services and is not allowed in any Brigade building. Until he is no longer in command or until they transfer off of Bragg, which ever comes last? Nice.
You don’t ask Tom Brady’s wife how to beat a two-deep zone, yet the FSG/FRGs insist on believing that because your spouse has been promoted you have somehow had leadership skills transfered to you through the exchange of bodily fluids…
Sorry, Colonel, not General.
“…you have somehow had leadership skills transfered to you through the exchange of bodily fluids…” Well,that’s as good an explanation for Pointers as any,I guess, said the OCS guy…
As for Army Wives, I’d also observe from the little I’ve seen that they seem a pale and pasty bunch compared to the ethnic mix of military marriages I’m familiar with.
God TSO, you dredge up some baaaad memories man. My marriage was finished before I ever left for the gulf, but the FRG, specifically a couple people in it, provided the final couple of nails for that coffin lid. I pounded them home with prejudice after I got home….
This type of situation is one reason why the Family Readiness Officer in every battalion-size unit in the Marine Corps now is a civilian paid by MCCS (Marine Corps Community Services… waht used to be MWR). No spouses running the show for spouses.
Too much to comment on fully from the original article, but a couple of random synapse firings:
The military service member of ANY rank is responsible for ANY and ALL actions of the spouse. Just let the spouse bounce a check & see who gets the hit. Hint: it ain’t the spouse.
So, Col Drinkwine, get’cher Doctorate wife under control. Otherwise you’ll be living off HER income, because you’ll be asked to resign/retire.
The only smart thing my ex wife ever did (besides divorcing me) was to stay the he’ll away from the other wives on the boat while I was at sea. Most of the wives were good people, and she was friends with a couple of them, but there were a couple others who should of had “trouble” tattooed on thier foreheads and they caused no end to drama. Ahhh fun times (like a proctolscope exam).
The 1st platoon leader I had after basic was a mustang, I recall his wife pissing and moaning how officers wives seemed to believe they had the same rank as their husbands. She didn’t recall that going on as bad when he was an NCO.
Not being in the military, I can only imagine the stresses that serving in the armed forces puts on a marriage. It’s hard enough under normal circumstances! But what I really took home from this article is that TSO has to watch some really, really bad TV.
From the other side of the fence on this…both as having had been in a relatively good FRG and as an NCO’s spouse. We were at Ft Carson in 2003, when 3rd ACR deployed. Although I am a born military brat (AF), the Army way was new to me. We had to wait until Tank got home from an OEF deployment (individually attached to 10th Mountain Div for 8 mos) to get married in Jan, so that by April he could be gone again as part of OIF. As far as I can tell, the FRG had never really been active, and we had a relatively new commander for 3rd ACR. That said, the first meeting for pre-deployment issues held by the FRG was rather interesting. The commander’s wife got on stage and admited she had never done this before, didn’t really want to do it now but that she would do it to the best of her abilities. Remember, this is early in the war and almost none of the wives had gone through a deployment before. The officer’s wives that ran the FRG didn’t necessarily wear their husband’s ranks so much as they were given those same ranks by the members of the FRG. In a way, it did make sense…those wives had been through the system and had a better understanding of the military and the Army specifically than the new PFC’s wife did. In fact, as a senior NCO’s wife, I had to turn down offers of leadership positions because I was too new to the Army to feel that I could do the job well. The FRG wasn’t nearly as active as some of us would have liked but it covered the basics it was supposed to. We shared what little information there was to be had. We had scheduled once a month get-togethers to just talk and be together. We propped each other up when needed, to include taking shifts watching one spouse’s kids while she gave birth because she didn’t have anyone else. I would have to say the only real drama came… Read more »
Having seen and heard of some of the shit that went on in the Wife’s Clubs on two boats and a tender, it makes me all the more grateful I never got married until AFTER I was off sea duty. Bubblehead Ray–nothing like having some douchenozzle call his wife from Thailand saying so-and-so is shitfaced. Within about 1/2 a millisecond the entire phone tree was burning up as to whose husband is screwing what.
Oh, the drama on the pier after THAT Westpac…
Sparky,
Oh yeah. The “deployment widows” always pissed me right the hell off. These gals would take their kids down to see daddy and his crew load up and fly off for a 9-10 month deployment, all smiles and hugs and kisses. Then, that very same evening, they’d get a sitter for the kids , get all dolled up, and head down to the enlisted club for to “have some fun” with the single guys. Made me sick to see it. I vowed to never get married while on active duty, and I kept that vow.
As to the FRG, I joined the FRG of my son’s unit. In 3 year’s time, I have received one welcome letter from them, and absolutely no responses to anything I posted or emailed about. I just keep in touch with him of facebook, and ignore the FRG in the same manner they have ignored me.
There is a passage in the Bible that says a foolish woman will tear down her house with her own hands.
Funny how some of those sayings are forever young…
TSO-you and Sal hit this one out of the park.
In the Marine Corps (as TopGoz pointed out) each battalion has a Family Readiness Officer. However, each infantry unit still has what we jarheads call a “Key Wives Club (KWC)”, which is basically a FRG. The sad truth is that these groups did more harm than good in 1st Marine Regiment. In my company more Marines went home or had to be pulled out of the fight because of spousal issues than because of insurgent attacks.
Unfortunately, there is so much drama with said groups, it’s a shame. Part of it is that many wives are looking to grab on to a “family” if you will, are blinded by their youth and inexperience. And the others who have been around like the power trip and many do believe the husband’s rank has it’s privileges.
It takes a special person to be the chief and foster cohesiveness among women who would rather piss and moan about being alone as opposed to seeing the bigger picture which is-that their men could use some piece of mind over the drama while everyone is trying to “git ‘er done!”
Seems to me if they had a code of honor and a few ground rules to hold their feet to the floor, it might make a difference…And I mean that in the best of Pollyanna-like intentions.
I was the KVA for 1st LAR from 2003-2005. I don’t recall having high numbers of Marines return home because of spousal issues. As a matter of fact, what I do recall was spending an awful lot of time helping spouses in crisis mode. The wife who was in chronic pain because of a back injury and had a pharmacy in her house that she threatened to use because she couldn’t take the pain anymore. Her husband could not come home. We helped her out with food, babysitting, getting doctors on the same page and getting a chaplain in to assess the situation. Or the very young wife who was put in the hospital because she was having preterm contractions with twins AND she had a toddler at home. Family MIA. None of us could stand the idea of that child going to Social Services so we took care of her. That meant someone else had to help out those spouses by babysitting their children, making them meals, running their errands. Her husband got to come home advance party and that was after the twins were born. Or the psycho wife who wanted her husband home so bad that she refused to get prenatal care. With a history of pre-eclampsia, someone was having to drop what they were doing and run her ass to the hospital because on top of ramping up her medical condition, she also had three other kids and no driver’s license. Her husband didn’t come home. Her stepfather, a Sgt. Major at Lejeune, told us that she was our problem. And she was. I have been involved with Family Raadiness in one form or another for over 24 years. Almost as long as I’ve been a Marine spouse. I’m also a Marine mom and I was a KVA for his first deployment in 2008. I’ve done what I’ve done gladly and with the idea that it’s good to help/support people who need it. I thought it was what I ought to do. I am not sure what I should be sorrier for…..being a KV/Family Readiness volunteer… Read more »
Maybe what it takes then Carrie is someone good at the top? I honestly don’t know, I can only speak to my experience with them, and go by what others have told me, and it has been a nightmare. It doesn’t surprise me that the Marines are better, because frankly I think they take it more seriously than Army units. Not only on FRG stuff, but often on wounded warrior issues etc.
I wish I could laud our FRG, but the experience left me so miserable it isn’t even funny. I thank God that i had BNG to go to mine to weed through the nonsense.
Fortunately, I’ve never had to deal much with FRG. IIRC, they did get together with our Regimental Association to help all of us, married and unmarried, get through the deployment by sending us care packages and other small things. When I was in DC our CO decided that all married Soldiers had to attend FRG meetings, whether their wife did or not. That lasted one or two meetings; honestly, the only time FRG may have been needed for my company was for the annual EIB testing.
We did have one somewhat serious incident involving FRG, though. We were placed on standby to go into Fallujah in fall 2003 and OPSEC was taken very seriously. A Sergeant in my platoon told his wife about our possible move and word spread around FRG like wildfire. It got back to our CoC and the newly demoted Specialist was on extra duty for a few weeks afterward. We went elsewhere instead and besides the Soldier himself, this did little more than reinforce the value of OPSEC for most of us.
I would rather pound my testicles flat with a brick than be the rear det commander dealing with an FRG and the deployment widows. I did that when my wife was due with our second, during a short deployment. “My husband took the checkbook.” “My husband locked the freezer.” “I’ll kill myself if my husband doesn’t come home.” Sheesh.
My wife would rather have deployed with me, back in those days, too.
She had no desire whatsoever to do the “commander’s wife” things when I was in. She did the necessaries, bless her heart, and had a pleasant time with them, but refused the pressure from senior wives to be like the Dr. Colonel, and called them out when they were like that.
I am sorry there are so many bad FRG experiences talked about here. I ask that you give the group a chance and see how you can contribute to make it better, at least for one other person. Please do not judge all Officer spouses by one other one. Do not judge until you have walked a mile in her moccasins-trust me-her life is no bed of roses despite the perception out there that General spouses have it easy and privileged.
[…] is ON THE SAME FLIPPIN TEAM – NOT ENEMIES. Then I saw a post on Commander Salamander and This Ain’t Hell and thought I needed to chime […]
My wife is Mary Poppins. Seriously, thats what my buddies all call her, but, if you want to see her hackles go up and become an evil version of Mary Poppins then mention FRGs. She went to a total of 2 meetings. Upon returning early from the second meeting she announced with absolute finality, “Thats the last time I waste my time.” I, of course, had to inquire as to why my usually pleasant, optimistic wife was sounding more like me. She informed me that she had a question during the meeting, she was ignored until one of the wives simply stated by means of explanation “She’s just a scout NCOs wife.” She never went to another meeting and I never asked her too.
Slightly off-topic here, but our CG was recently in town and had a few words for my battalion commander and his wife before they leave. He made a comment about our spouses always holding one rank higher than ourselves. Meaning, of course, that no matter who you are in uniform, that rank comes off when you get home. Now, he meant it innocently enough but I can imagine that over time some senior officer and NCO spouses let such statements convince them that they are indeed “superior” to the spouses of other servicemembers and sometimes even to the servicemembers themselves.
Be careful when painting with such a broad brush. And keep in mind the fact that good news rarely MAKES the news. For every crappy FRG story out there (and I readily admit there are some really, really crappy FRGs just like there are some really, really crappy human beings), there are 5 other FRGs that do their job well. My experience with FRGs (inside and outside of them) has been a bit of a mixed bag but the experience, overall, has been positive. On the outside, I’ve seen the FRG rally around me when my daughter was sick and admitted to the hospital while MacGyver was out on a training mission. I’ve seen FRGs come together to support the wife of a pilot who was killed in Iraq as well as taking in the family of the co-pilot (who was single). I’ve seen that same FRG turn itself inside out to welcome the parents of the single soldiers (and the married ones!) upon their return from the same deployment that killed 2 of their own. From the inside, I’ve personally busted my ass to make sure that EVERY spouse is getting the information they need and access to the services they deserve, even if they resist. I’ve watched our FRG organize meals for families that had new babies, illnesses, and financial hardships. I’ve seen our spouses turn out in blazing sun and driving rain (and snow in Alaska) to hand out baked goods to our soldiers heading off on training missions, wash cars to pay for a welcome home party, donate toiletry items for Fisher House when there was a need, and offer up their arms during blood drives at the MTF because there was a critical need here on the island and in the Pacific Rim. We did this all with minimal support from both the command and our FRSA (who is currently wrapping up 6 months of PAID leave for a medical condition…they couldn’t hire a replacement IN THE MIDDLE OF A $(&@$% DEPLOYMENT BECAUSE THIS PERSON WOULDN”T STEP DOWN FROM HER POSITION) and minimal funds. And,… Read more »
I read your piece. Then, I read it again after I was done laughing. I am an Army wife. However, I am not *that* Army wife.
I know FRGs serve a purpose, and I dream of the day I find one that does not know the color of each other’s underwear. I refuse to have anything to do with FRG. I even considered writing that as a clause in my marriage vows.
I was told “If you won’t step up to change it, then quit bitching about it.” So I hung up on CPT Douchebag.
You have heard the phrase “Don’t confuse your rank with my authority.” Well, unfortunately, too many FRG wives need to learn “Don’t confuse your HUSBAND’S rank with, well, anything…”
Operator Dan ~ I just re-read your comment. And I have to tell you, my bullshit meter pinged. Seriously? More Marines sent home over spousal issues than insurgent attacks? Was the Marine unit stuck on a FOB in the Green Zone perhaps? Because I have a really hard time swallowing something like this.
Keeping in mind I’m coming from a (decidedly less hardcore) Army position, I know for a FACT that the command here would not send a soldier home for spousal issues. At the moment there is a situation in which the children of a soldier are being moved in to the care of CPS (Child Protective Services) because the wife is severely neglecting them (as part of the fallout from a god-awful divorce) and the soldier is not being sent home. There is another spouse who is fighting severe depression and suicidal tendencies and her husband is not being sent home. So the idea that a MARINE commander would send his Marines home because some spouse got her VS thong in a wad over spouse-group issues and whatnot is a bit of…a stretch.
I was so excited when my husband went active duty because I heard how great it was to be in an FRG. I volunteered right away and became a key caller. I wanted to help with fundraisers and help young army wives benefit from my experience as a long time military wife. I wanted to be a support.
All of my dreams were dashed when the first time I went to the FRG leader for support. My husband and his joes were being harassed by an idiot E8 who had no idea how to be a leader. Morale was low, the guys had gone to the chaplain, the Jag etc over the crap. nothing happened.
I went to the Commanding Officer’s wife and told her about the situation hoping that maybe she could mention something to her husband, because well you know how sometimes the chain of command doesn’t get informed about things lower down with all of the CYA.
She told me. That is none of our business, it is green shirt business. Don’t mention it again or you will get a bad reputation. A bad reputation? There were other wives suffering from what was going on because their guys were not coming home till late, they were stressed from the harasment and incompitence, and just shut down. Families were starting to get strained, people were talking about divorce, all because of one jerk off. How was it none of our business that our men were getting treated badly?
After that I became convinced that the FRG was only there so that “command wives” could keep us “lower ranking wives” in line and bolster thier husband’s career and hide the corruption. They weren’t there for the men. They brow beat the wives into submission with bs brainwashing.
I agree with your picture of them as a gaggling coven.
FRG’s are useless. There are only a few who truly help the wives or are there for support of the men when it is most needed.
My husband is stationed in Fort Lewis, WA and is in 1st group. The FRG is way different then you described. Ours is actually very good at respecting everyone whether they are E-1s or E-6 spouses. Iam a POC and in the class I took I was told to never discuss personal info or problems. If there are rumors of anything we are immediately supposed to squash anything until official notice. Sounds like theses FRGs are running on lifeless people thinking this is high school.
The writer of this blog is a bigot. Even IF her other stuff made sense, she has basically said people who are gay are untouchables. Why would anyone want to know and spend any time with this person? Hope I never meet her.
I tried to keep an open mind about the FRG after I went through some, well, life changing events. I will never, ever attend another FRG function as long as I live. Yes, it was that bad.
I am retired medically from combat arms and my wife I snow in the ranks. All of this lead me to believe that I had some unique insight into the soldiers mind. I also thought that these people would help me transition to being a spouse. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Some takeaway from my (thankfully brief) experience with these horrid group of individuals:
1: they created far more drama than they ever solved.
2:Ladies, your husband doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about your problems. He wants to hear that someone, anyone cares about him
3:if he or she is deployed, they want to hear about love and such. If hubby can’t fix it, don’t burden him with it
4: you are not your husband’s rank
5: unless your children are being shot in the face or blown up, wasting the entire phone call from overseas on stupid petty problems does not help anyone
6: after taking an informal survey while deployed, the overwhelming majority of soldiers would rather their wives cheated on them (so long as it was not known) than spend all of their deployment money
7: on a related note, how the hell can anyone justify spending money earned from hazardous duty pay and imminent danger pay?
8: stop insisting that everyone else give you free child care for everything or maybe don’t have kids until you are ready
9: previous wars had enemy agents… Now there is some far more destructive than that: Facebook. Or as I like to call it, “The Drama Zone”
In short ladies, grow up, shut up, suck it up and try at all times to be a burden to your spouse in ranks instead of a burden. I know it can be hard but you’ll feel better about your contribution.
Never mind the FRG… Just wondering how the rest of you view the Officers Spouses Clubs and their exclusive membership. Personally I don’t think they have any right to exist on any base and certainly not as an official base function. I believe that an officers wife is a soldiers wife same as any other. That we as soldier’s wives should hold ourselves accountable by our own actions, merit and accomplishments rather than those of our husbands. I am as proud of my husband as any wife has a right to be, but God forgive me if I ever feel that I am better than any other wife because the rank my husband has accomplished. I am far too proud of my own accomplishments and merit to try to wear my husbands rank in any way shape or form or to be the member of any organization that would raise me up or put me down based on my husband’s accomplishments. Women who feel otherwise, I feel must have very little pride in their own abilities… that’s my two cents worth anyway
Most FRG’s are a joke.
And actually, the CO’s/1SG wife usually runs the FRG or at least in theory.
That being said I am not a huge fan of the OSC, hovered their is a certain level of socio-economic pow3er that can be brought to bear in times of trouble or crisis that you cannot pull from the FRG due to age, maturity levels in many cases, education and many other intangibles.