Man up Indiana!
It is only with the slightest hint of hyperbole that I say that this story may ruin my entire Thanksgiving meal.
Look, I love Indiana. I like looking out over the nice mall to the Scottish Rite Castle. I like the Canal area, walking around and avoiding the vagrants who helped me move in. I like my 1 minute 15 second commute to work. But God this story has me mad.
First off, the silhouette and voice changing? Really? Dude got hit in the nuts, he didn’t out an Al Qaeda plot. Enough of the anonymizer shit. If you get hit in the junk, you man up. First rule of nut hitter club is to never talk about nut hitter club.
Second, what is with the melodramatic voice modulation? It’s ball tapping, and I assure you Bev has no friggin clue about the intracacies of Ball Tapping.
Third, if you get hit in the junk, you do not go to a school nurse. Not ever. You go to your gym teacher.
Fourth, Ball Tapping was not invented in Indiana. I got news for you Channel 13 Investigates (if that is your real name) I was ball tapping 20 years ago when I was in the 3rd grade (for the 5th time.) I even found a ton of historical references to Ball Tapping.
From Marco Polo’s report of Kublai Khan’s Park, c. 1275:
In this city [Shang-tu] Kublai Khan built a huge palace of marble and other ornamental stones. Its halls and chambers are all gilded, and the whole building is marvellously embellished and richly adorned. For sport, the men hit each other in the testicles, and then fall upon themselves in mirth.
Or, how about Cristoforo Fioravanti’s “Observations of a Venetian Traveller” discussing Norwegian Fisherfolk, 1432. (Spelling errors from text included.)
In this lland there are twelve little Houses, with about one hundred and twentie persons, for the most part Fishermen, and they are by nature indued with understanding to know how to make Boates, Buckets, Tunnes, Baskets, Nets of all sorts, and every other thing necessarie for their use and trade. And they are very curteous one toward another and serviceable, desirous to please rather for love, than for hope of any gift or good turne to bee done them againe. At times, upon each others familie jewels they will athwack, and falling nearby shall engage in the most boisterous laffter….
Or how about Sergeant Major Edward Cotton’s “Dawn with the 7th Hussars” which he wrote on the eve of the battle of Waterloo, 18 June 1815:
At the break of day, all who were able began to be oin the move. There were many who from cold and fatigue were unable to stir for some time. Some were cleaning arms, others fetching wood, water, straw etc, from Mont St Jean – my present place of abode – some trying from the embers of our bivouac to light up the fires. As time passed and some refused to rise, I set the men on then, to deliver one strike each to the left testicle of each recalcitrant man, and thereby to encourage him to arousal to meet the enemy.
So enough all ready. A direct shot to the nads is actually less painful than a grazing shot. I’ve taken some of those 3 step grazers in my life, and you think you are fine, but before the sole of your foot strikes down for the 4th step, you are on your back holding your boys tight and praying for a quick death. So the force exerted is not actually all that much of an indication to how much it hurt.
Someday if I get my wish, Ball Tapping will be an olympic sport. And when it is, we can blame Channel 13’s investigative reporting for why we don’t bring home the gold. I’m guessing it’ll be a country like Lichtenstein that wins, because there you can strike a man in the nuts and he doesn’t bitch to the first television camera.
Now, Man up Indiana. Don’t make me show you the brain.
You know, it occurs to me that only one dude in history has never lost at ball tapping. This guy. Which is why they put him on the Ballsy Award, presented annually by the Downtown Athletic Club. Or something.
Category: Politics
That activity actually was not known in the New World until Jean-Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur, comte de Rochambeau brought it over with the French during the Revolutionary War.
His men were actually the first in the colonies to use the term, “I’ll Rochambeau you” in honor of their commander when trying to settle an argument. Rochambeau had punched a peer in the giblets there by breaking a Time in Service, Time in Rank tie and earning Rochambeau the rank of Lt. General with the Colonial Army.
Interestingly enough, he almost died during the French Revolution but escaped by kicking his captor square in the nuts. His captor fell to the floor and cried like Nancy Kerrigan.
I learned a lot from The Untouchables:
You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He taps you on the nuts, you double tap with 5.56 between the eyes. *That’s* the *Chicago* way!
Gross, and the “titty twisters” are no better.
I don’t see where the issue is…hell, I once dropped a Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary on my brother when he wouldn’t get out of bed to go to school. He would have killed me, but he was too busy trying not to puke on himself.
And before anyone starts the rumor there is no truth that Soltz from VoteVets likes being the recipient of a cup check.
One of my favorite movie quotes: Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and you will get punched in the yam bag.
Jesus how wrong can a reporter be?!?! It’s called “Bag Tagging”, not “ball tapping”. What if they hit both balls? They would have to call it “balls tapping” and that just sounds silly. And if you miss the balls completely and only hit the bag? Yeah, that’s why they call it “Bag Tag” you ingenues!
And Bag Tagging was known in the New World with the arrival of the first settlers. It was brought to America with the establishment of the Roanoke Colony in 1588. Most historians worth their salt subscribe to the theory that the colony was not, in fact, lost at all but completely victorious… in the game of Bag Tag. The natives, however, were not so sporting and after about the 473rd swollen gonad they went on a rampage and slaughtered every inhabitant of the colony. They didn’t even bother to rape the women as their stones were so swollen they had to run bow legged into the fray. Hence was also the birth of the “war cry”. It’s history. Pick up a book fer crissakes.
473rd swollen gonad? I think they were attached to our tank platoon.
Bag Tagging was even in the Bible…
“And Jeremiah begat Jefuselah. And Jefuselah begat Stevidiah. And Stevediah did begat Bubba. And Bubba begat a daughter and he lay with her as no man should and the Lord God grew angry and smote Bubba against the man eggs and it was good and the people did laugh and grow mirthful and the Lord smote them too and did laugh until milk came out his nose and the gentiles did roll in the sheep dung and did clutch their genititles. Amen.”
473rd Swollen Gonad (AB). Their motto was “Carpe Scrotum”.
Ok, Sniper, you owe me a new monitor!!!
Jeezuz, that’s some funny shit!!! I think I just drilled myself falling out of the chair laughing!
*Sigh* crazy things soldiers do. And they wonder why I smoke. It just seems that there are just new and better ways of getting hurt every day. It just amazing.
Oh and if if anyone starts with the whole “medics shouldn’t smoke” is getting a swift kick to the balls.
Oh, shit–I haven’t laughed this hard at a TAH thread since I sent Jonn that video of TSO trying to navigate through the mini-mart, or hearing dicksmith roll over and suck in his breath in a high wheeze when Uncle Jimbo popped him in the scrote with a 1/2″ nut driver.
Someone needs to interview the reporter and ask what the capital of Thailand is.
Or ask them if they know what a slang word for heroin is.