William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
![Derek Church3](https://i0.wp.com/valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Derek-Church3-245x300.jpg?resize=245%2C300)
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
![Derek Church2](https://i0.wp.com/valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Derek-Church2-300x225.jpg?resize=300%2C225)
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
![William Derek Church FOIA](https://i0.wp.com/valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/William-Derek-Church-FOIA-233x300.jpg?resize=233%2C300)
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
![Double poser](https://i0.wp.com/valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Double-poser-321x333.jpg?resize=321%2C333)
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
William Derek Church,
I hope you are having a nice weekend spending your welfare and food stamps and SPC’s Beheler’s money on your fat diseased cow of a wife.
Take.. take .. take. You tried to take our valor and we won’t have it. We will hunt you down until the end of the Earth until you turn in that Purple Heart.
You didn’t earn it, and I won’t let you have it.
You guys are just too cruel to this fine pair of bovines. I personally am concerned for them, I seriously doubt that their SNAP benefits can cover the 8-9 thousand calories a day that they each need to maintain their svelte physiques. Jobs, that’s what they need!
On my way into work this morning, I noticed an ad posted on a telephone pole that I believe the dear Mrs would be qualified for with her “national certification”. I’m not sure the exact parameters of a “fluffer” but it involves movie work so I’m sure she’ll enjoy it! But you’re asking, what about Bill? Well it just so happens the studio (Big Bone Productions) had another opening for a “felcher”. I’m also not sure what that involves but I heard that you use a straw, so I’m sure Big Gulp Billy will be perfect!
So, come on down to the City by the Bay, we have work for you two!
Posted my latest at Topix Lenoir. Truly, truly, I wish I had the dinero to be a part of the “boots on the ground.”
May the Lord grant that the Hounds of Hell give him no rest, until he repents.
@1663@1663 – Aaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh. Not enough brain bleach in the univrrse!
I don’t understand how this clown, William Derek Church, lives with himself. he knows he’s been caught in his numerous lies. The entire town is laughing at him and he still thinks he can hold onto that clown suit and all the bling he didn’t earn. I guess he doesn’t quite realize yet that we won’t go away.
Hey WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH the roly-poly Round Ranger, did you even get your fat, sniveling, slovenly, slobbering fat ass out of bed before noon today? OH, I bet you’re OH, SO tired and sore from your latest scam, giving your uniform to Goodwill and having your Dependopottamus buy it back later that day, that had to be work to you, something both of you leeches are obviously VERY allergic to!!
THERE IS NO REFUGE from our anger and indignation, which YOU have provoked with your scam. Get used to it, LOWLIFE!!
Hopefully this week the log jam breaks, and William Derek Church gets his moment of infamy.
William Derek Church, have you had any luck renting out yourself as a steamroller yet?
@1669.
Considering the amount of issues this maggot is about to have in the near future, I can see him renting out his “Squish-hole” for the extra bread.
Rent Boy, indeed.
Turd.
@1660, Army Med, I suggested he and his pet Dependopottamus rent themselves out to either a carnival or circus freakshow and hawk themselves as “THE HUMAN AMOEBAE”!!
Well there will be Boots on the ground in Lenoir on Thursday. If Church has any sense at all he will turn it all over and be done with the Charade !
Should we start a pool? Will he do it or Wont he do it.
Lets face it his track record shows it doesnt look very promising !
I didn’t say boots esp Leg boots…Cochrans! s/
William Derek Church,
We will not allow you to dishonor us, with your diseased, fat, cow of a wife.
You are not a Veteran.
You didn’t spill any blood for that Purple Heart.
Unless you turn it over, we are coming to get it!
I will continue on with my work day. You and your wife can continur to get fatter and live off the benefits I supply through my hard work.
@1672 MSGretired please send me the link to the video clip when the news crews come. That will make my day. and I’m betting he’ll hold on to that uniform and that swag. It’s all he has in his wee little mind.
MPSSG: MSG was referring to, I think, me. I’ll be in Lenoir for awhile, starting Thur, visiting family, several of whom live in the same grid square. I offered to Dufus on Topix Lenoir to pick a place and I’ll take his swag and report back here on the inventory. I told Dufus that there would be no confrontation, just give me the stuff. I’m there to see family and eat some BBQ, not get in a urinary contest with a loser and, perhaps with LEO’s. He ain’t worth it. I will have some posters to pass out to the family in case he decides to pass. We’ll see. I’m not holding my breath.
@1675 MPSSG – Alas, I fear you are right. Apparently, this bozo never learned about the consequences of wrong doing. Probably a parenting issue, but who knows for sure?
William Derek Church,
Do you see what is happening to Greg Banks?
http://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=39990
This is your future. We simply will not allow you to cavort around with your fat wife sporting Purple Hearts and medals you did not earn.
Get ready. Prepare your anus.
@1676 Yes SJ I was referring to you. I hope you have a Great trip and enjoy the BBQ.
I am on the fence as to Church doing the right thing, he has been such a Douche the entire time he will probably pass. Make sure they get enough posters to plaster them all over the place. Be nice if they would hit everyone’s mail box in the neighborhood I would pay the postage for that to happen !
Well seeing his trend in behavior he’ll keep this up until I get home and I have two months of leave saved up and it will be GAME ON. Do you hear that you fat waste of existence? If it goes that long I, and some of my very angry friends, will drive to Lenoir and ensure that the uniforms, medals, awards, ribbons, and swag are turned over. Please not that this is not a threat so don’t get your panties in a twist. It’s simple truth. Like my fat cousin said to me and I quote “Let me spell it out in Crayon!” THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY, THE LONGER YOU WAIT THE ANGRIER WE WILL GET, AND THE WORSE IT WILL BECOME FOR YOU!!!!! Have a productive day, if you know how.
@1680 Good Work!
William Derek Church and Kiaya Louise Church – Prepare your anus.
We are never going away. We will not permit a fat loser couple like you to steal valor from wounded and dead veterans.
So.. start preparing your anus. Get that thing real stretched out and ready for our boot.
It’s coming.
@1681 AM – Yeah. Hopefully, a size 14 corcoran jump boot!
@1681–every time I see that phrase, I still laugh.
But Fatass–it’s a good idea to turn that shit over. Ain’t yours, you didn’t earn it, you don’t need it, and you sure as fuck can’t claim it as yours.
To quote the Ranger from Action Figure Therapy, “I will buttfuck your soul!”
@1683 NHSparky
As Jungle says….”Hell YEAH!!!”
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljcdz8weP21qa5qido1_500.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/VJkDw0E.jpg
/smiles.
NO, William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger, WE HAVE NOT forgotten about you, we’re just tearing up on some fresh chew toys that were thrown to us Sheepdogs! Yor saga will continue as long as you continue your chickenshit charade!
SJ, where in Holly Springs you at> I used to live there before moving to Michigan. Still have friends there we’ll go see this summer. Say hi to fatass for me.
Don’t even know where Holy Springs is. Topix thinks I from there for some reason. I’m way East. But, as I told Church on Topix, I’m doing Motor Stables today and heading to Lenoir tomorrow with wanted posters to dist to family if he doesn’t contact me with his costumes. Tick Tock.
William Derek Church, you poser POS~~!
I woke up and did PT at 5 am this morning.
That is about 5 hours before you fall out of bed.
Kiaya Louise Beheler Church,
Wow, you guys are made for each other.
When you were cheating on SPC Beheler, with this liar “The Round Ranger”..and destroying your marriage and your kids childhood…
The very first time William Derek Church took off his shirt.. were you expecting to see a bronzed adonis war hero, rippled muscles .. like his Ranger brothers? Were you expecting to see the body of someone with self respect, someone who trains?
I can imagine what you saw. Man-tits, pale white flabby skin, 40% bodyfat, and a huge gelatinous gut that makes his pecker look as small as a roll of dimes?
Did you really think that tub of lard was a Sniper, Ranger, Special Forces SSG?
Were you thinking he was the alpha male when his huge gut was running wild all over you.. kind of like “Hulk a mania”
I am surprised sex is even possible with both of your huge bellies getting in the way. You guys must get really creative.
Just the thought of this made me smile. You got what you deserved.
Churchie Poo – give up those medals.
We are not quitting.
Quitting is something that you have done every day of your life.
We are not quitters.
Have an obese day.
@1689 Army Med…
Jebus boy….thanks for making me throw up a little in my mouth.
/yucky poo.
Putting some love here too for you Willie boy…Don’t want you to feel forgotten or anything..Have you written your apology yet? Turned in your clown suit and its accompanying bling? Better get busy dude..I hear Twinkies and Ho Ho’s are going on sale…Oh wait..I did it again…I brought your wife into this..oops, my bad…
William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC William Derek Church Valor Thief of Lenoir NC
@1689 Army Medical … I have a great imagination, so I am very sorry I read this!
But you did mention being creative …. you may not be from the South, so no one may have ever told you why rednecks (especially fat ones) do it doggy style. You see, that way, they can both watch the race!
Hey Army Medical! You might like this. A Lenoir Paramedic wrote on Topix that he was in paramedic school with him and he claimed to have been a combat medic but, of course, his certs and quals weren’t forwarded by the Army. Lenoir Paramedic community is on his ass now too.
He/it just CANNOT stop, can he? He says he’s a sniper, so how does he/it do that with a Medic MOS? DAMN, he’s more full of shit than a warehouse full of Christmasturkeys!!
Well I can assure everyone he never held any MOS, I just got the FOIA from NCARNG Uncharacterized Discharge and all. Forwarded to Jonn and the Media..
Like I said on another thread, you mess with the devil, you’re gonna get the horns stuck in you, it’s only a matter of time!
YES, William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger, I meant YOU!!
And YES, I still think you look like H.R. Pufenstuff with that goobered up beret!
*LURK*
*NNNNyukyukyukyukyuk, *WOOOPWOOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP*!
So he never held any MOS?
That is hilarious.
I’m busy today , so I will keep this short.
William Derek Church, Churchie Poo, have an Obese day!
Hey, generic PFC Jabba the Fuck, make sure to turn in your Infantry brass and blue cord along with the rest of your unearned bling-bling, since it now appears you were never awarded the 11B10 MOS. Please have a nice day and please go fuck yourself…
@1695 Well, MSG, that explains why he can’t figure out where the blue cord goes. Asshat.
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH NEVER SERVED!
All he did was train. His service(There wasn’t any), amounted to NOTHING. He deserves no thanks. He doesn’t qualify as a veteran. He is a failure.
Church- Start preparing that anus for our boot. Get it stretsched out, like a wizards sleeve.
Fat Fuck.
MR. 1700 here, saying William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger, HAVE A 50% OFF DAY-OLD DOUGHNUT DAY AGAIN!!
I cant believe he ever made it through BCT, but according to his records he did.
What I am having trouble with is the fact that his GT score is 105 and all the rest are above 100, so there is some intelligence. Why did he have to do all the Fake Bull. Dude you should have put on a Tux Got Married, and forgot all about the Military. I guess Mental Health, common sense, and Intelligence aren’t always the same as is obvious with William Derek Church the PHONY RANGER, AIRBORNE, SNIPER, SSG, INFANTRY, COMBAT MEDIC, COMBAT VET, VETERAN, and PURPLE HEART RECIPIENT.. Your just a sorry old POS !
So Wotund Willie its 1947 here let me explain what goes on in a real soldier’s life. Wake up is 0315 so I can walk to everywhere I need to go to do the morning essentials. Then it’s off to work because real SSG’s have to be there before their joes to receive the report from the previous shift and do accountability. Next is a 12-13 hour shift where I have to account for all my guys throughout the entire day plus answer a million questions from higher ups. Not to mention if any of my guys have gripes, complaints, issues, or just need to shoot the proverbial !#*^. After that it’s off to the gym to do what you do the worst, which is stay in shape, of course round is a shape, but I digress. In my case it’s getting on the mat to represent my unit in a combatives tournament to boost troop morale. You know lead by example, oh wait you don’t. The only thing you lead is the line at the buffet. I really do hope you turn those uniforms in. While the thought of you getting busted puts a smile on my face, the thought of the shame my grandfather will feel when he sees you and Kaiya just flat out makes me pissed.
@1700 Proud Infidel. You hit 1700! Way to go my man! 😀
Do you know what the first thing Derek Church does in the morning when he wakes up?
He queefs.
A little more information from the NCARNG !
http://s1352.photobucket.com/user/msgretired2011/library/?sort=3&evt=email_share&page=1
Wow …. Separation Code (block 26) is JFW
Just a Fuggin Wanker.
Military Separation Codes
JFW – Erroneous enlistment; Medical condition disqualifying for military service, with no medical waiver approved.
Thanks MSGRetired!
–ghp
Good catch.