The IVAW placement test

Like most organizations, the IVAW has a questionnaire so that new members can be placed in the appropriate role within the organization. We here at the This Ain’t Hell Secret Squirrel Operations Center have come into possession of some of the questions from one of our operatives;

Which best describes your relationship to the war in Iraq;
a. I served honorably with at least one complete tour in Iraq.
b. I joined during the war against Iraq hoping to go but I never left my home state.
c. I joined during the war against Iraq, but as soon as I found out that they actually planned on sending me, I bravely ran like a scalded ape to Canada.
d. I served in Poland and Korea during the Iraq War – which is almost like combat.
e. I was within sight of the Pentagon on 9-11-2001 and drew my weapon from the arms room, but then I took leave. I caught PTSD from the pizza guys who used to deliver at the barracks where I pulled CQ runner?
e. I first heard of Iraq at this recruiting table while filling out this application.

Which best characterizes your military service;
a. I was honorably discharged with many real awards.
b. I have an honorable discharge, but I’m willing to put it in jeopardy by making useless points and engage in mental circle jerks.
c. I was OTH discharged because I got tired of doing stuff. I stopped by the PX on my way off-post and stocked up on lots of medals that I think I deserve.
d. I did OK until after Initial Reception Station – I didn’t get any awards for my 43 days of active duty, but I have no problem pretending I was a Ranger and committed many atrocities.

One of our remote operatives (Codename: Claymore) dug up some more questions;

When you met with your recruiter, did they promise ________?
a. you would be drinking beer from a hooker’s bellybutton 4 nights a week, after Madden 2009 tournaments of course.
b. uniforms were being redesigned by Marc Ekko to better reflect a hip, youthful style.
c. combat would be limited between 1100hrs to 1400hrs so you could study for your bartender’s degree.
d. DI’s would let you sleep in if you really needed it.

What best describes your reasons for enlisting in the service?
a. I joined hoping to pay for college…oh, and to have casual sex with mannish looking women that have low self-esteem.
b. I joined after playing a marathon session of Call Of Duty and Red Bull.
c. I got my girlfriend knocked up and this was the easiest way to escape getting the sh!t beat out of me by her dad.
d. I consider it an honor to serve my country…nah, just kidding, I heard you could score some good pot over in Europe if you were in the military.

Describe your military experience.
a. I barely passed the ASVAB, barely passed basic, barely passed a-school and then when they tried to ship me into Iraq, I decided I was too smart to die in a war for oil.
b. I have always been a pacifist, despite enlisting as a sniper/grenadier/ninja assassin, so I was deeply disturbed when I was told I would be assigned as a rifleman in a combat unit.
c. I joined to learn about computers but no one told me that the military used computers on the battlefield. I just wanted a free trip to Germany. My country is full of fascists.
d. I was a fourth generation military officer with dreams of becoming a US Senator. Since I’m from a near-socialist north-eastern state, I figured my best chance at getting elected was to dishonor myself and pin the blame on the government.

Describe the various war crimes you were ordered to perform while in the service.
a. I tortured civilians in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Khan.
b. I forced little kids to eat un-heated MREs.
c. I once tripped over an Iraqi’s dog while looking for a hiding place while my buddies were taking fire. The dog didn’t make it.
d. I heard that our sergeant shot up some guy’s car with the ma-deuce until he hit the fuel tank and it exploded like Rosie O’Donnell after a 3 hr bended at Taco Bell.

There are hundreds of these questionnaires floating around, so if you find some, please report it in the comments section so we can compile a complete list.

Category: Antiwar crowd, Iraq Veterans Against the War, Liberals suck, Phony soldiers