Thursday morning feel good stories
If you’re reading this, it means that the DRG failed once again trying to shut down this blog. If you’re not reading this, please let us know.
Fred sends us our first story this morning. It comes from North Charleston, South Carolina and it’s not like our usual stories. A woman was attacked by a teenager after he rang her doorbell and knocked on her door and ran away several times. Finally, he lured her outside and began assaulting her. Then he carried her inside and began again, His final mistake was to stick his tongue in her mouth, which she promptly bit off. The police found him at the Waffle House when his mother called 9-1-1 because her son’s tongue was missing.
In Grand Junction, Colorado, a man stepped into his garage for a smoke when he encountered a burglar in there. So the homeowner held the thief for police at the point of his gun.
In San Antonio, Texas, a car thief tried to appropriate the vehicle of a customer at a gas pump. The owner of the vehicle convinced him otherwise with his firearm – the perp left blood evidence at the scene.
In West Sacramento, California, Army veteran Juan Zavala was assaulted in his own yard by an intruder with a pipe. Zavala choked the man with one arm while dialing for the police with the other until his wife came to help. The fellow is currently in the hospital being treated for his injuries, while Juan is not in the hospital.
Category: Feel Good Stories
Well bless their little hearts for trying.
Here Danny, have a cookie.
Now that Lawn Dart Danny can’t accept anymore “clients” I’m guessing that he has a lot of free time on his hands. Too bad he’s not smart enough to figure out how to use it productively.
Well, I’m sure LDD can accept the types of clients he has to service on his knees. So there’s always that.
Could be a lucrative career at 50 cents per session
“If you’re not reading this, please let us know.” lol
The first story, instant tongue amputation, is about as good as it gets….almost as satisfying as DRT…almost.
OMG, I can’t imagine the pain – sentenced to a life speaking with a heavy lisp. 😉 ought to go over well in the Big House when bending over for the proverbial soap.
On the bright side (for him), he probably won’t be a top pick for tossing Bubba and Thor’s salads.
If only BHO had a son, he’s look like……
He can still slurp jelly out of their asses.
Or syrup… like Chris Rock says (SPEW ALERT/NSFW, the clergy or those with virgin ears):
I think Antoine the Tongueless will be considering each word he utters very carefully from now on.
The other stories are good, too, but his escapade – well, pancakes and waffles may not be in his future very often. He may even have to go back to baby food.
You know… my guess is that he’ll get his tongue either fixed or reattached… at taxpayer expense. :-\
Nah, grandma ate it!
Hopefully his victim put the tongue in a ziploc bag or jar – then added a large slug of rubbing alcohol to preserve the evidence for the police. (smile)
Hopefully a large quantity of pickling spice plus vinegar.
Dunno, Sparks. I think isopropyl alcohol is more toxic to tissue (as well as to the body in general). Soak the detached body part in that for a while and I’m pretty sure reattachment becomes a “NO GO”.
Gasoline, motor oil, or kerosene would work even better. But those would require some verbal tap-dancing, as those can’t really be called “preservatives”. No plausible deniability in that case. (smile)
I can only imagine what his mama told the 911 operator about how her innocent baby boy was accosted by this evil female tongue eating zombie while on his way home from the library…
He dindu nuffin. Well, except he was on the way to enroll in med school, or he was on his way home from donating an organ to a needy chile.
Quote of the year!
…she “bit his tongue as hard as she could until she heard it snap.”
Trying to do the same thing repetitively, with the same failed results. H’mmmmm, who would be so stupid? There are no limits to the depths that the sick mind will sink. If only they had the ability to recognize that they are their own worst enemies.
I looked up “Clusterfuck” in the dictionary.
There was a photo of the DRG.
As you know Jonn, one of the well known rules of OPSEC is that you don’t acknowledge in the clear if enemy electronic counter-measures are/were effective.
However, it’s probably safe to say that in this case their attempts (like their lives) were a complete FAILURE.
DB, DW, PPW, JJ, EIEIO
凸(｀0´)凸
凸ಠ益ಠ)凸
凸（⌒▽⌒）凸
Not sure if I’d go THAT far Chip, but you do have a valid point…
I know I am supposed to work through my chain of command, but I would just like to say I am so glad the blog is still up. I can really use the pay check, Commander. OVER
Is pay day tomorrow? Do we have to go through the Payday Procedures, incl Command Information, bullshit? Guess CSM Hondo will be there collecting for AER, Savings Bonds, Club membership, etc.
Oh hell no. I’m just a touch too young to have had much “fun” at payday procedures, and I have a real problem with anyone strong-arming people into “voluntary” contributions.
With a last name starting with A, I’d make a lot of the duty rosters. Then pay day would come along and some a-hole LT would think it was cute to start from Z and go backwards.
Phuqers.
Oh,Yeah. Pay Day!!
Line up alphabetically in the sweltering Alabama heat and humidity.
Report to the Pay Officer and get $98.50 in cash.
Do a Right Face and run the “Gimme” gauntlet.
Emerge at the end with $68.50 to your name.
Good Times.
I heard that the 1SG was always at the end of the lines with the unfinished Duty Rosters on a desk in front of him, curious about who didn’t donate to things, notably the First Sergeant’s Fund!
sj, remember when signing for your pay, if you sign OUTSIDE the lines, you go to the back of the pay line at the window and are told is a fearful tone, “Once more and you don’t get paid!” My first pay window experience of which I am proud to say I learned to stay inside the lines. Also helped a lot in the Company coloring book competitions. 😀
Ah yes. Color inside the lines. Sweltering sun in Khakis, with tie. Payday procedures are seared into my memory because I often had to give the Command Info presentations to a BN of bored troopers. There was nothing to make it interesting when the young studs had Fayetteville’s Combat Alley on their minds.
And then there was the time I ran out of money 1/2 through: Finance gave me an Infantry BN’s money. Most of my Signal BN drew pro pay and it was a much bigger payroll. Luckily I had signed for the right amount. There was a lot of heavy breathing at Finance that day and a bunch of pissed off Troopers because that took forever to get fixed.
Ah yes. I forgot that. A STRAC load. It saved my life probably. I tried to go to flight school in about ’64 but flunked because my blood work came back positive for STD’s. This upset my wife.
The Doc said no problem, it could be something else, like something fatal. Many blood draws later I came across a crusty old Army nurse that said BS! You’re in the 82nd? The STRAC load of shots can cause a false pos for STD’s a lot. No shots for 6 months and all was good. Whew…the toilet seat theory didn’t work. I then decided that being a helo pilot in the mid 60’s was not a great career/life choice. I was right.
Don’t forget the Doc standing there waiting to update everyone’s immunizations too.
What are you people talking about? All I ever had to do was go see Ruby at the payroll cashier’s window and endorse my check, then go deposit the funds in my credit union account.
You must have been in a different universe than mine.
Oh, and the bare-hands-against-pipe incident was good, too. Pipe-wielding low life in hospital; barehanded citizen, not so much.
Methinks the perp’s gonna have a hard time living that one down. (smile)
Jonn,
Am reading you Five By, Lima Charlie.
Thank you. Roger. Out.
I can’t read it, that does it, I’m calling Danny-boy Turdbath, he’ll fix you !!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
I cannot wait for the results of his latest foray in the hallowed halls of the courtroom in which he sat in to get his ass handed right back to him !!!
What ever happened to John Gidduk, the turd with a face guy here?
I’m reading Lima Charlie, *((OVER!))*.
A nice collection of FG Stories yet again, I’m sure the now-tongueless perp will be Bubba & Thor’s first pick for “knob polisher”.
As for the Dutch Rudder Gang, tuff shit for them, they’ve done it all to themselves, and a certain Human Lawn Dart is no longer eligible to practice Law in CA. I’m sure that the Florida Bar will gracefully tell him the same thing that the Oregon Bar did, only much more politely than we would! Let’s see, two of those dregs of the human gene pool accused at least eight innocent men of being me as well as defaming, libeling and slandering others not only on his webpage of mucous-drooling imbecilic drivel, they also did it on Disqus. I’m sure one can still go to Lars Larson’s show thread on Stolen Valor And see plenty of Lawn Dart Danny’s and *SLUUURP!*41’s drivel as well as the first few innocent Men they accused of being me. Fungus-head and *SLUUURP!*41 messed with a number of people who I consider as THE LAST Folks on Earth I would want to have pissed off at me, and I’m sure they’ll soon reap the rewards of their World Record-level stupidity, imbecility, and asshatery just to name a few. THE INTERNET IS FOREVER, and their shit’s gonna be there to see from here on, I’m sure plenty of people unfamiliar with the DRG will look at it and think “NO WAY someone could be THAT STUPID!” until they take a second look. If there was a Guinness World Record for idiocy, I’m sure that Bernath and *SLUURRP!*41 would be shoo-ins for taking and holding it!!
BREAKING NEWS:
In a related story … the young man who had is tounge bit off said when asked about the incident, “umma, ough, woo, argh, umph”.
To the DRG, first go fuck yourselves half as much as you’ve fucked over other innocent people’s lives trying to change the lies of your own bullshit into some truth a dim halfwit would believe. There’s still hope to stay afloat though. Have LURP, I mean SLURP41 start charging more than a quarter in the men’s rooms when they “cometh” in his “mouthet”. And to the head of the organized Fuck Ups For Hire Club, Lawn Dart Danny, start charging for bad, not from a real lawyer anywhere, advice. As well as, “Hey any of you truckers wanna watch me change my catheter for a dollar? No? Well then how bout 50 cents? Come on now it’s only 50 cents! Okay then any loose change and SLURP41 will polish your knob while you watch me. For a quarter that is. Come on guys we got four more truck stops to hit today. We need grilled cheese and coffee money”. Fucking losers!!!!! Hey Slurp, when you “cometh” remember to pull your pud or that queer looking chute won’t open and you’d be a big wet splash on the concrete. Come the think of it, go ahead and forget all about my advice just then and sail on in for a non-chute gliding approach. Now that’s a “cometh” I’d pay to see.
Organized F*ck Ups for Hire Club?
Hmm – Acronym would be OFUfHC. Built in-reminder of the definition in the first 3 letters. Nice.
Me like. (smile)
The Pendejo Brothers (Lawn Dart Danny-boi and QUEEFERS) are still trying their best to bring down the TAH Cadre/Chain of Command via Operation FLOPPY DONG… another failure in the lives of two “Call of Booty – Anal Butteskks Warriors”.
QUEEFERS – isn’t about time that you get on your knees and go suck start Danny-boi’s catheter again?
I’m thinking more “Operation NK Missile” – AKA “Operation No Dong”.
Speaking or brainiacs, after seeing the antics of a couple of turds on another thread yesterday, I now think of them as Pledges or “Prospects” of The Dutch Rudder Gang!
Yea, figured something was up when I tried to get on this AM.
Hell, I thought I tuned in to that old “Indian Station” (turn volume down low before clicking on link)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJmZHo6W4S8
Indian heat test pattern:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian-head_test_pattern#As_television_system_tool
Speaking of those who Cometh’ (yet never show up), I will be in their state this weekend.
Yeppers, me and few others.
I will give them 2 hints:
1. South Beach
2. And it ain’t the Columbuser, Toledoer or Dubinler …
My crew would enjoy meeting them!
A shrink could probably explain Bernasty’s infatuation with masturbation and screwing sheep. Again, why hasn’t his family sent him to a happier place? IMHO, they are complicit with whatever this loon does.