Facade, and Substance
Today is Memorial Day. Well, this is my Memorial Day article.
It’s probably somewhat different than the norm. Maybe you’ll read it and think this is appropriate for today; maybe you’ll think I’m out to lunch. Or maybe you’ll think I might be both.
Here goes anyway.
. . .
Jonn wrote an article some time back regarding the now commonly-used phrase, “Thank you for your service” – and how it rubs some people the wrong way. Poetrooper followed up a couple of days later with his own article. Both made the point that this pop-culture phrase which is popular today beats the heck out of what we saw some decades ago.
Yeah, I’ve heard that phrase directed towards me a few times. And what Jonn and Poetrooper say is certainly true. It’s far better than being cursed (or worse), being treated like a leper, or being treated shabbily in those multitude of other ways those returning from Vietnam had to endure.
But I guess you can count me among the curmudgeonly group. Having someone tell me that bothers me a bit.
I guess it’s because I find being thanked by complete strangers for doing nothing more than what I signed up to do . . . somewhat embarrassing. It grates.
I chose to serve. I knew what I was doing; my eyes were wide open at the time. I was fortunate enough to end my service mostly intact – unlike those we remember today.
To one extent or another, everyone who served has a variant of this story. Even those who were draftees had options: resisting, leaving, falsely claiming to be a “conscientious objector”, or outright refusal – though most would call such acts dishonorable.
And yet with rare exceptions those who were drafted served. They too answered when the nation called.
It’s called “doing one’s duty”. Being thanked for that by a stranger just strikes me as being out of place. YMMV.
Remembering and honoring those who didn’t come home? Different story. That’s proper – and necessary.
. . .
Nonetheless, for whatever reason some people apparently have a need to thank vets and/or serving members of the military they barely know for serving. Its a free country, so I guess they can if they like.
But as far as I’m concerned, here’s how they could better do that. It doesn’t require saying a word.
• Be a productive member of society. Raise your kids to be productive members of society also.
• Be honest and trustworthy; pay your debts; have a sense of civic duty, and of honor. Do the best you can to raise your kids to be the same.
• Be self-reliant; take care of yourself and your family. Raise your kids to be self-reliant as well.
• Help others in need, but in a way that doesn’t make them permanently dependent. Give helping hands – not handouts. Teach this to your children by example.
• Finally, and perhaps most importantly: love and respect this nation. Raise your kids to do the same. And encourage them to serve the common good – in some capacity, as a civilian or in uniform – for at least a part of their life. Each of us owes this nation that much for the incredible privilege of being born free citizens. That freedom alone is worth more than any of us can possibly repay.
If someone does those things . . . well, as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best thanks. It’s far preferable to some halfhearted, mumbled platitude from a stranger.
I’d say doing that is also a fitting tribute to our fallen, too. Because I’m convinced that if enough people do those things, the nation our fallen died defending will endure long after we’re all gone.
And that . . . matters.
. . .
Even so: some people nonetheless apparently still have a burning need to tell somebody, “Thank you for your service”. So, let me suggest a way that anyone who feels such a need can do so that’s IMO more apropos than offering some vet or serving member of the military they barely know or just met – a halfhearted and trite platitude.
More precisely, let me suggest two possible ways.
• Option One: find a local cemetery, preferably one that’s not maintained by a well-funded government, religious, or private entity. Visit it; find the graves of some vets who are buried there.
In mid-May of each year, set aside a few dollars. Use that cash to get a small US flag or two, and maybe also the same number of small artificial wreaths or bouquets.
On the last Monday in May, go to that cemetery and look for a veteran’s grave bereft of flag or flowers. If you find one that’s bare, place your flag and flowers on that grave.
Then mentally tell the soul/memory of the man or woman buried there, “Thanks.” And if so inclined, say a prayer to the Almighty for his or her soul.
If all of the vets’ graves are properly remembered, that’s great. Keep the flag and flowers for the following year. Or go to a different cemetery and do the above.
If for some reason May is a NO GO, then perhaps do it on the 11th of November instead. That’s also acceptable.
• Option Two: on that same Monday – or, alternately, on the 11th of November if schedule makes late May a NO GO – go spend some time visiting with an aged vet at a local nursing home or a VA hospital/other care facility. On that day, he or she will probably be feeling both their years and somewhat down; it’s also entirely possible they’ve outlived their family. They just might enjoy some company.
If someone really want to say “thanks” – make one of these an annual event. Get someone else to join in doing the same. Begin a chain, then keep it going.
Why? Because those vets now in their twilight years served well before most living today were old enough. They deserve – and in some cases, need – thanks far more than most. Maybe thanking them would be a more apropos way to show gratitude than some trite platitude offered to an individual barely known or just met.
Doing either those things would also IMO be a fine way to remember our fallen, too. Because without their efforts and sacrifice – along with the service of those aged vets now in their twilight years – we might not have very much today worth celebrating.
. . .
Just my $0.02 worth, and YMMV. I’m guessing for some reading this it does.
I’m fine with that. It’s still a free country.
Anyway: I hope everyone reading this enjoys their holiday today. But while you’re out and about – or are at your home, or the home of friends or family – please take a moment to remember the reason behind today’s holiday.
So long as we remember them, they’re not completely gone.
Category: Holidays, We Remember, Who knows
I am total agreement. I too volunteered, eyes wide open, then stayed for a career. I too am uncomfortable when thanked by strangers or my service. I too have always viewed it more as an elephant in the room verbal courtesy that everyone feels they have to go through. The only ones that seem to thrive on it are the chicken hawk conservative talk show hosts and the posers (I like conservative talk radio, just doesn’t seem to be a lot of veterans amongst the chest thumpers) I think the idea of giving thanks by offering a service is a good one. I also like your idea, in general, that to paraphrase Saving Private Ryan, we all earn what our dead have given us.
Whenever thanked for my service I reply with “we are all in this together until we can stop taking our shoes off at the airport”.
Well said Hondo. Have a cold one on me buddy.
A lot of my world view is colored by growing up in the 60s.
“Thank you for your service” grates on me cause I see it as the left’s and old hippies’ usual poor way of trying to make up for spitting on military members like my brother for defending his country.
There’s a little bit of the same thing with the “Greatest Generation” meme. I remember all too clearly what younguns in the 60s thought of the WW2 generation. For those who weren’t there: not much.
Then again, It seems that I somehow have turned into an old fart and just want them all to get off my lawn.
You joined “the service”. Army, Navy, the Corps, even the Air Force 🙂 – whatever. You got paid and you got some benefits. That part you did for yourself and your family. But that “service” part – that was for the rest of us. You went to Iraq or Afghanistan or other exotic places (for example warm and welcoming Southeast Asia) and did what we, the rest of the country, asked you to do. Besides you few, who among us did that? Whether you wanted to go or whatever – it was a service to me and to the rest of the country. I got something from you whether you tried to give it to me or not. I feel an obligation to acknowledge what I got. The service provided by some cost them their limbs or their lives. No money or benefit can repay that sacrifice and I feel an obligation to acknowledge what I got. Because you went I didn’t have to go. Because you went, I didn’t have to fight here for myself, my family, and my country. Because you went, America, whether you like it or not, continues without revolution and carnage. Maybe today you don’t see the value of that service maybe that is why you feel strange when being thanked by strangers but I am 66 years old and I know what I got. It may be that you have to get old before you appreciate the contributions of young guys and gals who serve their country. But I bet that when you get to my age you will understand and you too will want to say “thanks for your service” and “thanks for taking the risk for all of us who can’t do it”. Maybe it is embarrassing to be singled out or appreciated. Maybe some people say “thanks” because they think that it is socially necessary, makes them look good, or somehow helps salve a guilt. Whatever. You belong to a small proportion of our population who risked their lives for their country, some paid with their lives, so you deserve thanks… Read more »
Thanks, Richard! Very well said.
Still Serving and rgr1480, the alternative pretty much sucks. “Thanks for your service” is a hell of a lot better than some of us got in the early 70s. At one point, we were ordered to not travel in uniform and not wear our uniforms in town. In about 1973, I traveled in uniform on leave to attend a funeral I was spit on in Seattle. I lived in Anchorage Alaska and at the time it was one of the most pro-military towns in the country. Home to the 172nd Infantry Brigade so lots of fit young guys with short hair, jeans, and a sweatshirt. There was almost no trouble in Anchorage but Seattle and much of the rest of the country really sucked. If I am a little over the top on this, I know the other side too.
Richard,
I honestly appreciate your comments. Thank you.
I agree. We served for our own reasons. No need to be thanked. What bothers me more is, “I wish I would have served but…”
Or like the story told by someone else here om TAH about when he was shopping for a new car and the salesmouth rambled on about his JROTC and how it was just like serving. Better him than me, it would have taken them a week to extricate his head from that car lot’s pavement after he said that to me.
I posted this yesterday on another thread but wanted to share it again. Each of you have a Blessed and Honored Memorial Day. Another year brings us another Memorial Day. It is a quite different day for me personally. I respect anyway which people may choose to celebrate their “three day weekend” from work. Especially this one being the mark of the beginning of summer. That is one of the many freedoms we enjoy in our nation. To worship, to speak, to celebrate as we choose. I personally do not say “Happy Memorial Day” to anyone. It’s just my personal choice. If others say it to me I just smile and nod and reply, “Thank you, have an Honored Memorial Day or have a Blessed Memorial Day as well”. Yes, I love to celebrate as well. I like picnics and barbeques and fireworks and all the trappings of a day off and long weekends and I criticize no one for their choices. However for me, Memorial Day is a quiet and solemn time. I remember and mourn those of my generation and my war, who I knew and loved and lost. As well, I remember those of generations past I loved and some, I never met. Those lost before I was born. My father who passed away in 1978, fought through North Africa, Sicily, Omaha Beach and the Battle of the Bulge. My uncles and cousins and our close neighbors who served as Soldiers, Marines, Army Air Corpsmen and Sailors in Europe and the Pacific Island fighting. Between us was the generation from theirs and mine, who fought the Chinese backed North Koreans to a standstill. I grew up in North Carolina. In mostly the Durham and Henderson areas. My family on my Daddy’s side had lived for generations deep in the western mountains and my Mother’s family was from the northern Piedmont. Marriages brought many new names and extensions to our big family. In each home was a table or wall. A wall or a table viewed prominently in the living room or the “parlor” as they called it.… Read more »
I joined the Marines because I was 17, living in Pittsburgh, the mills were all closing, my high school decided that should take my 1.2 GPA somewhere else, local law enforcement was all too familiar with my name, a girl named Sherry was done with my nonsense, and I wanted to eat on a regular basis.
I guess I fit the stereotype that some have of why people join the military. Nobody that knew me gave me the slightest chance of making it through boot camp.
I graduated with Honors. I remember standing there when Platoon 1053 was dismissed and everyone else threw their covers in the air and celebrated. I just stood there with this sinking feeling.
That was the only thing I had ever achieved with some degree of distinction. For once in a row I didn’t fuck it up. There had to be something very wrong with a young man that was afraid to leave Marine Corps boot camp.
I had found a home. Somewhere between strippers and beer pong I got my GED. I went on and continued my education, not just a formal one. Most importantly, I became aware of who the man in the mirror was.
The Corps saved a poor wrench like me. It took a smart assed teen aged punk and gave him an opportunity to know what it is to be a man.
I don’t get an opportunity to say all that when I am thanked for my service, I am thankful for the opportunity to have served.
I love The Marine Corps. Semper Fi
To those men and women that stood by my shoulder and covered my back; its been an Honor.
To those that never came home….I don’t have the words.
Thank you.
As I did before, I’ll stay firmly in the non-curmudgeonly group. Should someone wish me to “have a nice day,” I won’t suppress an urge to lecture him on how to make my day nicer. (Not unless he’s gone out of his way to make it otherwise.) The third quote here sums up my views well…and if one piece of that “formal politeness” is a gesture of respect to servicemembers that is 100% fine by me.
My usual response is a simple, cheerful, “glad to!”
Most every Memorial Day and Veterans Day I drive the 25 miles or so to the closest town and visit one of the small cemeteries, usually with a small American Flag. There’s usually a section for veterans that’ll have been visited by those who have already planted flags, but I can usually find an individual grave in another part with a headstone that mentioned someone’s service. Today, I planted a flag on the grave of Frank B. Brownell, Jr. According to what was written, he was born in ’45 and died in ’99 and served in Vietnam as an HM3. I hope that maybe someday, a relative will do a search for his name and come across this post and realize that some of us always remember those who serve, even the ones who may not have died while in the military.
Rob J
While the wife and I were at Ft Sam today, wandering aimlessly amongst the grave markers, we discussed the thousands of possible stories that were there. Some of the residents may have served one enlistment, others whole careers. And yet some may have fallen on the battlefield while more of them lived to be grandparents. Regardless, they all had amazing stories to tell of their time in and I hope those stories survive.
Thanks for that. We do the same thing every year. Today we visited 3 cemeteries. One was very special. A certain Korean War Vet who never spoke much of his time ’til shortly before he died.
He said, “thank God you never had to see what I saw, I hope the dear Lord forgives me for not doing more to help those poor people”.
Out!
Myself, well I served my time during the Korean War from 1950 -1952, and as the things I did in those two years are nothing more the history, same as it was a FORGOTTON WAR!!!! but you’d never know it by the way we were greeted after we arrived home. May 25th, just another day.
It depends. Often you can tell how the speaker means it, and what’s behind the phrase, by looking in their eyes. My response is entirely dependent upon what I see in those eyes. Most often it is meant as a sincere thanks, and that is how I acknowledge it. Humbly. If it’s something else, well, I may just give them a disdainful look.
When someone thanks me for my service I simply say that it was an honor to do it.
I also tell some of them that I didn’t think so at the time. That would be because I went through Sea-Tac in 1975 in uniform and obviously ran into the same puke that Richard did a couple years earlier.
Serving at the end of vietnam and immediately after was probably the worst time in American history to be in the US Army.
But I did it and I actually got an honorable discharge out of the deal.
It was the smartest thing I did in my life and has paid dividends for the entire time I was in and ever since then.
The Army saved me from myself back then, the VA bought me my first house, paid my way through nursing school and gave me hope at a time when I truly had none.
The VA Hospital system has saved my life 3 times and through the guidance of a very caring and very beautiful Cardiac Nurse Practitioner saved my soul.
I owe the US Army a debt I can never repay except to do all the things we talk about here.
Be proud of your service my friends, you earned it. Leave it to pajama boi to squeal like a little pig and piss and moan about how good we have it.
Dammit, we all earned it, he didn’t.
Fuck him.
Well Said SIR!
While I do thank our Vets in the way you describe I am in 100% agreement with all of your suggestions and will start implementing them. The reason I thank you guys is that for so many, particularly those of the post Vietnam era, they had other choices. The made the decision to join up and give a part of their lives in an obvious way to the Republic, and if need be act as a shield, barrier, weapon for or sacrifice to that Republic. As such a little “thank you” is at least a small gesture to them and their brothers and sisters.
Still I believe that you hit the nail on the head with your suggestions. One of my main “complaints” if you will about both Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day is the sense that it conveys to so many civilians that the “big burden” has been done. No, that is wrong. The “Big Burdens” are the ones you described: being good citizens, raising, good citizens, caring for others and your community. THOSE are the big burdens. Only when things fall apart do we need to resort to asking our “best and brightest” to act as a sacrifice to keep the Republic alive.
Therefore sir, I will not “Thank You” for your service, merely Pray that We who ave lived under the shield of that service may be worthy of it all.