Wipe Like a Man
Thanks to Michael Shlitz for bringing this awesomeness to my attention. I think you’ll all agree this is the most many S**t paper commercial ever. One Wipe Charlies.
Now that you’ve seen the video let me put out a few thoughts. First, and foremost, there is nothing more terrible than having a Baghdad Blowout when your on over-watch and your ass wipe is in the OP 300 meters away. I’ve had to attempt to use Arab “toilets” more than once and it is the worst feeling in the world to unconsciously reach over to where the TP should be and find nothing there. That is a shitty day my friends, and I will not talk about my improvised solution. Not cool is all I’ll say.
Second, anyone whose ever had Mermite every other meal with MRE’s making up the difference will tell you, it is the most horrible feeling in the world to have a rock hard log with a massive tsunami waiting to break behind it. Giving birth, then pissing out your ass (POMA) only to realize that all you have are those little Kleenex packets that come in the MRE to wipe away the foulness makes you realize the devil must somehow been involved. You also tend to realize that more than POGie bait, more than extra batteries, more that something shiny to keep the LT occupied, the one thing that you want with you is asswipe. Not just any ass wipe though. The strongest most rock hard SOB of an infantryman will tell you, when diarrhea eventually sets in (it always does) you want your ass feeling like it was wiped with silk.
Third, I’m not endorsing the product here at all, I just thought that the video was funny as hell. Having said that, I’ve used “Hoah wipes” and “anti-monkey butt” and all sorts of products like that. I think it’s important for soldiers to test out various products and figure out what works and what doesn’t. I also think it’s great that there are companies that realize the realities of the field and try to make products to accommodate those needs. Field sanitation and comfort don’t always have to be mutually exclusive. There’s all sorts of things that I learned (like wearing hoes on a long ruck march) that any good NCO will pass on to his or her troops. The job requires that we go to miserable s**tty places and live in conditions that are worse than the “cruel and unusual punishment” that gets inmates released out of California prisons. Even the slightest bit of comfort can make or break a deployment/Field op. So I say good on to anyone that attempts to come up with something that can be used for said purpose.
Lastly, I’m so glad to see manly commercials making a comeback. Seeing commercials of men so stupid that they walk into sliding doors or set themselves on fire while barbequing are getting pretty F**king old. It’s bad enough I’m expected by society to willingly sign a hand receipt for my testicles whenever there’s a change of command in Girlfriend Command (GIRFRICOM), I don’t need to be bombarded with clips making me out to be the biggest retard that ever lived just because I happen to be a dude. I’m sick of pastel colors, calming yoga poses, and commercials about how a certain type of yogurt will make Jamie Lee Curtis have a better defecation experience. Every once in a while I want to see a guy shaving with a chain saw for no apparent reason. Why? WHO CARES?!?! We’re men, we do stuff like that (well maybe not THAT). It’s nice for add agencies to remember that hey, there’s this whole other group of people that buy stuff, and they don’t happen to be soccer moms. Or women.
Hope y’all have a good week. Go forth and do Awesome.
Category: Pointless blather, Society, Who knows
I actually use Dollar Shave Club’s razors and to be honest, I can’t really tell the difference between these and the Expensive-As-Fu*k® razors sold at the store. In fact, these cartridges fit the handle from my Expensive-As-Fu*k® razor. Best thing is I don’t have to even think about it…four new bladed show up every month on or around the 20th for less than the price of a shitty coffee at Starbucks.
I have just wet myself and I was able to find toilet paper…great post, Doc!!
I love how he’s holding the toy gun backwards, good commercial… why don’t we see this on TV instead of those stupid AXE or Old Spice mockeries?
LOCKMAR was my ‘sponsor’ while I was deployed to Iraq. They sent a nice box every month for me to share with folks.
They padded the contents using Cottonelle toilet paper. Usually, about 10 rolls.
Wurthers, twizzlers, envelopes, etc all in the boxes. Books too. But what disappeared FIRST?
The TP. Every time.
Least you don’t have to use a puppy lol
What an erudite and perceptive discourse addressing the requirement for a soothing, yet manly, defecatory byproduct removal product.
However, in order to prevent sudden discovery of nonavailability of said defecatory byproduct removal product, I recommend retaining on your person at all times an emergency pack of corn husks, normally used as tamale wraps. They are inexpensive, biodegradable, lightweight and portable, and no one else will want them.
The hardware store has monkeybutt spray on sale at the register. Want me to send you a can, Doc? 🙂
I call those lame modern ads Stupid White Men commercials. Watching them, you’d think men had never done anything worthwhile like inventing the airplane, the motorcycle, bacon-infused vodka, or the 1911 pistol.
Shaving with a chainsaw. Heh.
The original Dollar Shave Club commercial is awesome, too.
The best part of these wipes?
Cucumber extract, making your ass smell like a garden salad all day instead of a prison tossed salad….
Nothing wrong with being fresh and clean in the one spot that almost no one expects to be fresh and clean…just because we can bench press north of 250 doesn’t mean we need to smell like a bear.
FYI, there is a male hygiene product for your other privates as well. Instant freshness achieved through “Clean Beans” (I’m not making this up, google it…) Mangroomer makes a wipe as well that is scented and can be used on both parts….
As long as we are discussing maintaining a sanitary clean I figured I would contribute as best I could…nothing wrong with wanting to smell good all day instead of smelling like a bag of ass, been there done that. It’s not a smell you forget easily.
THAT my friends, is some funny shiat right there.
THANKS Doc.
Holy screaming dog sh**! Did you see those razor prices! I know where I’m getting my razors from now on.
As to buttwipes, Wet Ones were my go to and still are whenever I’m hiking, but for a couple of bucks more, I’ll have to check these out. Thanks for the link, Doc.
Best. Commercial. Evah. Thanx Doc. Made my morning.
The top three indicators of civilization are: 1) flush toilets, 2)readily available bathroom tissue, and 3) hot showers. Anything else is just fluff.
@12, I agree almost entirely, though after deployment I also added clean, crisp, cool bed sheets to the list of things I love the most.
Do they make the wipes to smell like gunpowder instead of peppermint??
More manly, and less detectable by teh enemy.
“(sniff sniff) The american infidels are over there. I smell peppermint charlie wipes.”
#8 VoV- Cucumber extract?
Ok, anything that makes your bottom end smell like ‘cucumber’ only means you like getting your salad tossed….
OK … this string is making me uncomfortable!
@15 it’s right on their website, in the list of ingredients…your woman will be happy to sniff around your privates when you tell her it’s the refreshing facial cooling of cucumber just for her…
Manly? I used cheap disposable razors and let my wife shave her legs with them several times before I use them! Love the video. The best present I ever got from home In Vietnam was…TP. By the way Massengill, famous for femimine hygiene, has a new Masculine Hygiene Deodorant Spray. It’s called “UMPIRE”…for foul balls.
A little known bit of military trivia: during World War II, the British Army in Italy allotted three sheets of British TP per soldier per day.
The US Army, in contrast, allotted 22 1/2 sheets per soldier.
In fairness, I believe the British TP sheets were somewhat larger. They were also reputedly suitable for use in a pinch for writing messages and letters.
Dual sided.
http://books.google.com/books?id=AxX6oQSrPAgC&pg=PA451&lpg=PA451&dq=british+toilet+paper+allotment+per+soldier+world+war+ii&source=bl&ots=wL2smiVvQw&sig=TVhKNZSR6fvXOF5DZw2KMg3DTWY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=gT-3Ue77L6-u4AO9hYHoDA&ved=0CCEQ6AEwAA
Hondo, three sheets of anything just ain’t enough. Cleanliness in the field is next to…happy, happy, joy, joy! (In the words of Ren and Stimpy)
I get nervous just thinking about having a cucumber around the back door. Seriously though. us old guys that have had a hemorrhoid, buy the wipes at Costco by the case. In Vietnam we had to save up the little pack of TP from the C Rats pack. It took about 5 packs of it to make one decent wipe.
@21 With you brother, got my first assteroids in Vietnam. With the peanut butter plugging me up and Ham and MotherF@ckers giving me the runs I coveted with all my heart the TP in the C Rats. Carried the pig for two patrols as a trade for half a guys TP. My mother passed years ago but I never told her I had to use a letter from home once because I was so desperate. Forgive me mom. But when you have to go…
Nothing says hilarity like making the non-qual who opened the shitter ball valve while blowing sanitaries walk around in his poopy suit for a watch cycle or so.
They never seem to make THAT mistake twice. Wonder why.
Never tried hoes for a hike before, I mean I have worn hose, and that helped. But you are the Doc, so hoes it is I guess.
Just use paper towels flushable ones.
No matter how much gear I have to take with me, there will always be room for a roll of TP (in a plastic bag for waterproofing) in my ruck. Everywhere, Everytime. I was lucky to learn that from a couple Senior NCOs I worked with as a young Specfour.
But this is just plain funny, I don’t care who you are…
As with Claymore I’ve been using their razors for a while. For $6/month I get a 5-pack of 4-blade razor cartridges delivered to my door. Only about 80% as good as a Mach 3, but given they’re 30% of the cost…
LanceCooley, get them. You’ll love them. 🙂
If you can see through the TP; problem.
Jon Wayne TP: “Rough and tough and don’t take no shit”.
Gotta love the IN.
TP… ah, it’s the little things in life that make the difference. Here’s in Asscrackistan, it’s just good to have no matter the brand, who makes it or what.
Love the bear wiping with the rabbit thrown in there. Classic joke brought to the big screen.