HURRAY, It Finally Happened!

As many of you may (or may not) know, I have been trying secretly for years to dominate the world.  It hasn’t been easy.  My first attempt to raise a small army of poisonous spiders just like in Arachnophobia backfired when The spiders proved to be only mildly annoying.  My next attempt to build a small nuclear reactor to power an army of DeathBots also backfired when the subcontractor for Uranium enrichment happened to get invaded by America.

It seemed all was for naught, until I heard that there was a “war for oil” going on in that same country!  Well sign me up!  I was planning to ship whole tankers full of crude to my evil lair (conveniently located in the Hollywood hills with only a light commute to downtown!)  Sadly this war for oil business turned out to be a HUGE let down when I realized it wasn’t oil for us, but rather oil for the indigenous peoples.  I would not get to keep one drop of crude even though the stuff was bubbling up all over the place.  Clearly the news was either misinformed or the US Army wasn’t doing a good job of selling this “war so other people can have freedom” crap.

Needless to say I was quite upset with the US Army!  I mean the only reason I joined was because we were invading 3rd world countries and stealing their oil!  Isn’t that how most great Evil Empires start?  What a let down!  Fortunately all was not lost!  You see around about the time I returned from my first tour, this wonderful new thing called “eBay” became available to me.  I found all sorts of things a maniacal genius like me might need; death rays, orgazmo-bombs (a personal favorite) which, when dropped on a population instantly causes everyone to have an overpowering orgasm.  There was even a Gay Smoke Grenade which would cause such extreme homoerotisism in any men unlucky enough to breathe it in that they would be too busy raping each other to do anything else (a real hit with the Evil Psychiatrists Union).  Finally after much searching I was able to find and buy a small African nation on eBay.  It was perfect!  Secluded, in the jungle, and no one really knew about it.  A perfect place to train my new squad of super female ninjas I managed to acquire from the Iraqi populace (for only 15 goats!  A real bargain.)

But, sadly for me and my evil plans, Mr Murphy was out in full force.  My nation got over-run by some other quasi-nation then all my would be subjects died of Ebola.  That was of course after they were forced to convert to Islam and burn all their currency that featured my face (apparently I’m some kind of devil to Muslims.  Who knew?).  I could not believe my misfortune.  Clearly it was time for something else.  After the Army and I parted ways (they weren’t going to get me to go to this “war for oil” a third time without letting me take home any oil!)  I tried my hand at several schemes, but none of them really had any oomph.

That was until I got a call from the Democratic National Committee.  These guys were really worried about Obama losing to some guy that had actually run a business once.  There was talk about a bad record or something, I’m not quite sure I zoned out most of the conversation because, well let’s face it this chick was dull as a 5 month old razor.  I perked right up when she told me that I would get minions.  FINALLY I would have minions that were mine to command!  It was pretty simple too.  All I had to do was say really repetitive bad things about this Romney guy, stuff about how he gave me testicular cancer by glaring at me or my grandma went retarded after he made her wear magic underwear (I’ll be honest I wasn’t taking good notes at the talking points meeting) and I would get my very own minions, on loan, from the DNC.  True I’d have to return them, but, c’mon, I GOT MINIONS!

They weren’t half bad either.  I got four stoners left over from Occupy Wall Street that I only had to toss Cheetos at occasionally and say something about 10%.  Those guys ate that shit up!  I also got an IRS case worker I used to good success to harass the League for American Justice (not to be confused with the Justice League of America) a group of semi heroes that have been hounding me for all my “evil” ways.  There was even talk that I might get a black panther or two.  Ah, those were heady days leading up to that election.  It turned out that one of the Occupy guys knew a guy who knew a guy in Anonymous who wasn’t so anonymous and really liked Obama.  Best part of all he totally believed the 10% gave Romney testicular cancer which he passed off in his magic underwear to Walmart so they could give autism to Asians (I kinda just had to go with it in that one).  I got this Hacktern to change a large percentage of counted votes for Romney to write in votes for Leeroy Jenkins.  There was also a program that drew dick pictures on the smart phones of anyone who didn’t vote for Obama.

As agreed, when the election was won I packaged up my minions and sent them back to the DNC HQ.  The Lair never felt so lonely.  While my lair certainly needed a cleaning, what with all the bong water, stale Cheetos, and reams of IRS paperwork everywhere, without minions that meant I had to do it my damn self!  I was quite dejected let me tell you.  I’d only got a few DeathBots to work off of Green Energy (Radium isotopes are green) before I had to send my minions back.  I was in such a sad state that I didn’t even notice the Evil Minions Union was threatening a boycott (I’ve apparently been pissing off too many British secret agents and do not have the proper faceless minion life insurance).

But finally, FINALLY,after months of waiting I got a signed letter from the President thanking me for my hard work, and a promise of more minions on their way.  He seemed particularly interested in my plan to turn American Idol into an actual cult with me as their idol.  I can’t tell you what a relief it is.  This time around I’m going to get only Occupy organizers not the stoner foot soldiers I had before, who will in turn rally minions of their own to my cause.  I’ll also get a whole IRS office, that’s going to find all the loopholes nessisary to make the LAJ pay millions in immagined back taxes.  I’ll also get free license to use a special FBI counter terror team to silence any of those stupid journalists that dare try to uncover my dastardly plots.  Would you believe I’m even getting Homeland Security to protect my lair?  How awesome is that?  It’s like a dream come true!  Best of all I get picked up by Air Force One to play a round of Golf with the President every other Friday.  There’s some loyalty rewards for ya (suck it American Airlines!).

The only real downside is, for right now I can only take over or invade white, Christian nations.  Well Europe is certainly White, but there aren’t that many Christians there, and apparently I’m not supposed to attack Muslims (even when they burn the currency, and flags with my face on it!).  I suppose I’ll just start with Ireland and go from there, after all when has invading Ireland ever gone wrong?  Hopefully by the time the Deer Leader (I don’t know why he insists on me calling him that.  Seriously, he doesn’t even like venison) leaves office I’ll have enough people converted to Baileyism (like Taoism but more evil) that I can apply for 501(c) status, and finally have my Holy War against that emerging religion Jedi Knight.  Depending on how that goes I’ll try to take on this “atheism” that everyone keeps going on about.  I can’t wait to start my conquest of the world.  Thank you Mr. President for making it possible!

 

 

Oh, and Mr President, if your reading this, could you please drone strike the shit out of Claude?  He’s my Nemesis and a real dick.  He totally stole my idea for the DemBot Pelosi model then screwed it up!  Anyone can see that’s a robot.  That Douche has got to go!  Please and thank you.

Category: Occupy, Politics, Satire