Dear Vickie: I’m a whiny deserter, put me out of my misery
EdUSMCleg sends us a link to a Military.com advice column in which some whiny dingus had a tough time in the Army, deployed a couple of times, reenlisted, got deployed again and decided that was enough. Oh, and while he was deployed, his boinked someone else and aborted the love child. So, now he’s looking over his shoulder for the MPs and wonders what he can do about it – you know what he can do about it besides turning his chickenshit ass in to the authorities and facing the consequences. And, oh, his wife chimes in, too;
My recruiter lied to me and painted the Army as something from heaven, but it was far from that. I was miserable and my wife was miserable too. My feeling could have affected her because I was in a bad mood every day.
I was treated like crap in the Army. I was talked down to, cussed at — you name it. Maybe I could have tolerated that if I was 18. but I was 29. Not only was I taking orders from everyone who was higher rank but all of the young cats who were much younger than me.
Oh, boo-hoo, people younger than him who had more military experience than him told what to do in the military.
The Army was ruining my life. After being in garrison for a year, of course we know our unit is getting deployment orders to Afghanistan. I said, “I’m not going!” I just couldn’t do it again.
Yeah, but his wife tells the part that he kind of leaves out;
After his first four years, I said “don’t re-enlist,” but he got all googly-eyed about the re-enlistment bonus they paid him. The way I see it, he was happy until the money was gone.
Yeah, the Army was ruining his life, but he took another burst of six years. Well, Vickie tells him what you’re thinking right now;
Sheldon, you are not honorable, you are a coward. Now, I have never signed my name on the dotted line to serve my country and I have never been deployed either. However, I’ve never complained, whined, cried about mistreatment — but then accepted a bonus check before running away.
So, quit whining and man-up. Turn yourself in, dingus. Pay the price for your childish little tantrum and then get on with your life. Vickie says that he might get to finish out his term – Dear God, please don’t wish this know-it-all cry baby on some poor unsuspecting squad leader.
Category: Dumbass Bullshit
I try so often not to wish pain and death upon others. But then something like this slimes its way into the Army for cash and I get yelled at for verbally praying to any gods that are vengeful to provide testicular torsion and various disorders of the circulatory system upon them.
Everyone forgets that perhaps their purpose in life is to simply exist for a while, and then die spectacularly in front of a bunch of kids to teach them that YES goddamn it, you SHOULD look both ways before stepping in front of a bus because nobody wants to see what the hell color your gall bladder is when it mixes with cerebral-spinal fluid in mid-air!
I don’t know, the human mine detector platoon could always use some fresh meat…
What a punk.
This is why Hipsters should not be allowed in the Army… I have to be able to trust the joker on my left and right, if he or she is going to be some doughy eyed, pussified, wine sippinf fuckstick that flinches inside four inches of protection in the turret of the MRAP instead of returning fire and fucking up the badguys, he or she should have never joined the military
“My recruiter lied to me and painted the Army as something from heaven”
goddammit John I was just nursing my first sip of some french-named coffee the wife bought.
Now I need a towel. frickin frackity fark.
“Dear God, please don’t wish this know-it-all cry baby on some poor unsuspecting squad leader. ”
Um. I will re-enlist my old 45 year old ass just for the pleasure of being on his fire team. I’ll even drop all my stripes and go back as a buck private just for the sheer joy of it.
Where do I sign?
Talked down to? Cussed at? O. M. G.
You finally did it, JL. You made me spill hot tea on my sweater.
Gack!
Sound to me like “Vickie” has more in the way of balls than “Sheldon”.
Oh FFS! I joined the Marine Corps at 27, knowing full well what I was letting myself in for. I took orders from NCOs and Officers younger than me and did it.
And the instant I read “My recruiter lied to me”, I want to take the Nailbat of Righteous Correction and massage it into his skull until the Sweet Light Of Reason shines through.
@9 Take a number and get in line.
@10, I have extra bats that I’m willing to share. We can work him over at the same time. Deal?
I have those issued Kevlar knuckle gloves… Can I bring those to the party?
Loser.
#12 we’re gonna need some duct tape. Ever heard of a “happy hat?” fashioned from 87.3 ft of duct tape and a door handle. You have to see it in action to appreciate it.
Jeebus!!!
I completed Infantry OSUT at the age of 26. I was a college gradate and had completed about 90% of graduate school.
I knew it was a game with the Drill Seargants. I knew how to react, when to react, and how quickly to react. It was physically challenging, but they built us up via exercise and countless pushups. All it took was paying attention to detail, having some personal discipline, and “playing the game.”
Whiney little bastards or guys with authority issues had a rough time. The Drill Seargants left me alone after they figured out that I was capable of doing whaever was required with little or no supervision.
I learned valuable lessons and I always felt that being enlisted made me a better officer.
This whinely little mommas’ boy would be a loser in any organization, military or civilian.
Dear Sgt. Sheldon,
Allow me to answer your question.
Is there a statute of limitation when they will stop looking for you? Assuming they are looking for me.
No. Your contract is a life long and binding until it is satisfied. Yes, they will be looking for you. In fact after 30 days, you will be classified from unauthorzed absence to desserter. Your name and all other identifying information will be entered into a variety of criminal and civil databases. Any sworn law enforcement, peace officer, and or citizen can effect an arrest on you. You will be transferred to the nearest US Army Provost Marshal for diciplinary action and complete your enlistment … you fu*kin retard!
Sincerely,
MCPO NYC USN (Ret.)
Wahhh, I joined for the college money. Wahhh, it’s hot, it’s cold. Wahhh, I want welfare.
That is what I heard.
I couldn’t believe it when I read this. I knew this would be a good place to share it lol. Not like there hasn’t been wars going on the past 10 years. Hard to blame your recruiter for that one idiot.
@11 – Fine by me.
Send that little shit to my house. The floors need cleaning. With a toothbrush.
Yeah, they probably called him Pappy or Gramps. That’s tough. I feel for the guy. No one should have to suffer that torment. Oh the humanity!
Knew a turd back in the day, several actually.
I went to BT with this guy and we go to the same unit, same platoon, same squad as privates. He goes AWOL the first two months.
FTR, AWOL, DFR, etc.
Three years later to the day I am inspecting MY squad before morning PT and there is an extra dude in formation. The turd.
Wow. Dude just showed up. Girlfriend told him to do it. Could not get a job, loan, college acceptance, (I assume trim as well) until this was resolved.
He got 5 months confinement, BCD and had to pay for all his shit to be replacedd. He left his room unsecured when he left. Gotta love Privates! And he was bitching about his stuff being stolen. Fuckiung loser.
Sheldon is a whiny little 10 percenter bitch who was better off 1–sewing the cheating wife’s legs shut, 2–not reenlisting, 3–sticking with his Starbucks barista job in the first place.
Oh, and Sheldon? There’s a lot of vets who would love to throat punch you if they knew who/where you were just on GP. You’re the guy that gives good NCO’s headaches and keeps them awake at night.
You would think that I would know better than to be drinking something while reading this…nope had to replace the keyboard.
I think we had a IVAW dude a few years back who was surprised when, after 7 years of being a deserter, he got pulled over on a traffic stop by the local PD and found himself in the disciplinary barracks at Fort Bragg a few days later.
I was right – Dustin Che Stevens was his name.
Another dude whose worth is the same as his word…sh1t…
You promised, you signed, you are responsible for what you do d1psh1t. Not some slick talking recruiter, not your mama, not your woman, YOU. How you act after you give your word defines you.
We now know the definition of this man Sheldon, a dishonest, adultering, sack of weak sh1t….too bad the Sheldon Club of the world seems to have more than a fair amount of members of late….
One day, hopefully he’ll be hearing this sound:
(knock knock knock)…SHELDON!!
(knock knock knock)…SHELDON!!
(knock knock knock)…SHELDON!!
And sadly for Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory won’t be on the television…
I’m 28, almost 29, I’m a senior SSG at my unit. I get called ‘gramps’ and ‘old’ all the time, tough shit! There is a Goddamn war on, you enlisted and reenlisted for the fucking duration. Do your time on the line, or at the disciplinary barracks, I truly cannot count the fucks I give. But, endanger my life, or the lives of my Soldiers, disrespect that creed you are supposed to live by as an NCO? Fuck that, unblouse and meet me behind the orderly room for some wall to wall counseling during a good old fashioned Come To Jesus Meeting! Who else is with me?
Should I alert the Canadian border guards to be on the look out for this turkey? Apologies to the turkeys out there.
PULEEEEEEZE keep this guy down there.
I escorted losers like this around for their various chapter related appointments. Let me inform this waste of seminal fluid what is actually going to happen to him in today’s Army. Be gone longer than 30 days. PLEASE. When you get put on deserter status, it is likely your unit will clear your sorry ass off their books. You will be caught. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. When you get caught, your sorry ass will be transfered back to your unit for inprocessing. They will have to put you back on their UMR, start your payroll back up (don’t count on actually seeing that money though), and begin the long and painful process of chaptering your worthless ass right back out. Oh, and that nice juicy reenlistment bonus? That only belongs to you if you complete the contracted amount of time for the bonus. Which you didn’t. Oh yeah, Uncle Sam gonna get that money back, have no worries about that my little shit stain. And you will owe money for any TA-50 that didn’t get cleaned and turned into CIF when your unit cleared you for being a deserter. Which should be all of it. What, you think your unit did you a solid and cleaned your stuff for you and turned it in to clear you from CIF? Guess again dirtbag. That stuff is long gone, its sitting in someones closet, waiting to be pawned, if it hasn’t been already. That’s 6 grand or so (at least) you owe the Army in just OCIE. You will be subject to a piss test upon return to duty status in accordance with AR 600-85. Better hope you piss clean. You will be put on 24 hour suicide/AWOL watch, lest you run again. You will not have a private moment for the 6-7 months it will take to complete your chapter. You think you were treated bad before? That was nothing. You just ruined every NCO in your company’s day, because they’re the ones that get to watch you 24/7. You shit bag. Enjoy finding a job with that… Read more »
These days they dont have the time and resources to go looking for you.
That being said, just like was pointed out several timnes above, it eventually catches up to you.
Remember that scene in “When Harry Met Sally”, where Billy Crystal is telling Meg Ryan that her boyfriend Sheldon couldn’t possibly be a stud?
Does anyone here need an explanation now for his wife’s wandering eyes?
We had a turd report into my unit 4/27 IN in 94/95 timeframe. Right after he signed in he went AWOL. He lived on the beach for a few days until he ran out of money. He called his mom for money for a plane ticket. She hopped on a plane and flew to Oahu. I just happened to be sitting on the lanai drinking a beer when she drug his ass back to Battalion and turned him in.
I just wish this chickenshit had a mother like that.
Wow, so on top of all the UA, he spent his enlistment bonus? Uncle Sam is probably going to want that money back…
We had one real winner who went UA–didn’t stay gone long enough to be a deserter. Came back in, checked in just long enough to be told he was going to mast, then took off again. Everyone knew where he was but nobody wanted to make the effort to bring the shitbag back.
And when he realized it, he turned himself back in and got 30 days in CCU (the brig.) At the Christmas party that year, the DJ dedicated the Pretenders song “Back In The Chain Gang” to him.
@ 32 … Green Thump … You are correct … only the worst of the desserters are tracked. Desserter status is a national level warrant. Get pulled over … wants and warrants check … bam! Apply for state or federal services … bam! Cross my path … bam!
@37 MCPO NYC USN (Ret.)
(Secret identity is really Emeril Lagasse!)
/bam!
Lucky– Now, you know I would be OH.SO.HAPPY. to assist my brethren in W2W counseling and shall we say opening that, er, um Can O’ WhooopASS!! There is nothing better than a CTJ meeting where I get to strap on my proverbial balls, preach to a pussy about what a lousy excuse for aoldier Sheldon is…then drop his ass for p-ups until he cries…and he will!
Green Thumb (22): c’mon, you know his stuff wasn’t stolen. Those guys simply found some extra gear in a vacant room and turned it all back in to CIF, but later lost the turn-in paperwork. (smile)
@31 The finding a job part only seems to apply to larger corporations, many smaller companies don’t even check on your veteran status if you don’t mention it.
And small business employs most Americans. You are right about larger corporations, I’ve seen that happen directly in those situations, but several of the smaller companies I work with do the required DHS checks, and not much else, no drug tests, no CORI, some don’t even check your resume beyond the last employer….company I worked with a couple of jobs ago had a machine operator removed by State Police 4 weeks after he started….
@28 I noticed the Sheldon and Amy Big Bang Theory thing as well.
This line from his full letter jumped out at me “Why can’t people just say I don’t want to do it anymore and leave the Army just like a person would resign from a regular job?” The answer is because it ISN’T a regular job. So right in the middle of a deployment to Iraq and you have to go out on yet another IED patrol you decide “enough of this crap” and up and quit? Doesn’t work that way. You aren’t hired, you enlist. Don’t like it ETS and be a civilian. Any other “regular job” that would pay you a big signing bounus would also have a contract for a set time period and if you break the contract there are consequences…just like if you desert the military.
Anybody who deserts should have to pay back every cent it cost the Government to feed, house, clothe, and train them.
I hate what happened to this guy w/ the infidelty and associated BS.
I have seen it a hundred times. However, you have to man up and make some changes. He had the perfect, legal excuse to put her ass on the curb, but did not.
Then goes AWOL with the money. Life sucks, Army life especially. Peacetime was fun, war was not. But you have to grow up, honor your contract/commitment, mature and move on like everyone else.
No excuse.
I don’t understand the mindset that goes with volunteering for the military, signing the enlistment contract, and then deciding you don’t want to do it, after all. I do recall one young lady who showed up where I worked at NPC, couldn’t stand it, and requested an admin discharge. She couldn’t take the sailors picking on her. It was ‘just AWFUL’. She got out, but all of her military/uniform gear was reclaimed before she left. That was 1969. I guess things just haven’t changed much.
I never saw any of the guys do that, but it was either stay in the Navy or the Marines, or answer to the draft board. Maybe it IS time it was reinstated.
But this whiny little slacker — I don’t think his wife likes him any more than any of us do. The lack of responsiblity and accountability is what gets me. I doubt that he ever carried his weight or did more than the least amount required of him. I think that’s called ‘goldbricking’, or it used to be, anyway.
He must think everything works like high school where a bunch of government paid union workers coddle your baby 4ss every day to prep you for the real world….
Come work for me, we document every f#ck up, after 4 (1 verbal, 3 written) we fire you for cause and typically we win hearings when you are denied unemployment for being a turd…no job, no money, nobody gives a sh1t whether you eat or not….at least in the Army somebody tries to make sure you eat, here in the private sector if you can’t perform you are out and then you don’t even exist to us….
My recruiter lied to me and painted the Army as something from heaven, but it was far from that.
I think I’ve already seen this movie… are we really sure his name is Sheldon and not Benjamin?
To all those with the nail bats and knuckle gloves — form a double-line gauntlet, and let El Douchebag run it. Everybody gets at least one swing. If El Douchebag survives to the end of the line, then what remains of him gets turned over to the MPs for processing.
Any bets this guy will be a politician one day? He’ll probably get a senate seat or some other job, like SecDef or Secretary of State.
Just wait and see.
I am getting more skeptical in my old age, but that seems about as believable as letters to Penthouse. There’s a lot of creative writing talent out there.
Baseball bat with nails, hobnailed boots, brass knuckles, 2X4’s, 100MPH tape, OK, WALL-TO-WALL COUNSELING TIME!!! Poodle shits like him really make me wanna puke! I came back in after a 9 year break in service just to get deployed, and I have NO USE for snot-spined wusses like him.
“I, [State your name] do solemnly swear…… I still take my oath seriously.