Journalist commits first blue-on-green attack

We haven’t checked in lately on our favorite journalists who surged to Afghanistan in September aboard their charter champagne flight after days of training. The journalists joined the war as Mobile Training Team Task Force Wordsmith. Their unofficial headquarters has been the Baskin Robbins at Bagram Air Base which has been woefully short of sprinkles the past few weeks.

They finally had an opportunity to train Afghan soldiers yesterday, but it didn’t go well.

It seems that one of the journalists committed the first blue-on-green attack of the war. The attacker has been identified as Greg Jaffe, a reporter from the Washington Post who just this last Spring took time out of his war-fighting schedule to preach to milbloggers at their conference that they had outlived their usefulness since J-school grads know as much about the military as milbloggers know now.

Andrew Tilghman, a staff writer at the Military Times, who demanded that we call him an unnamed source, told us that Jaffe was tasked to train Afghan soldiers on “dime drills” during their marksmanship training, he seemed to snap when Jaffe noticed the soles of the feet of one Afghan soldier in the prone position.

Tilghman explained “I know that it doesn’t mean anything to us Americans, and as journalists we have very few points on our moral compass anyway, but we know what seeing the soles of other people’s feet means over here because of the extensive training we received in the hours preceding our deployment here. Jaffe just started yelling ‘Allah Akbar’ and took out about ten Afghans who were milling around our espresso and bagel station.”

Tobias Naegele, the task force commander, sent us this official statement;

The unfortunate incident which happened yesterday, was obviously triggered when Major (Journalist) Jaffe caught the PTSD from airmen at Burger King on Bagram Air Base. That has been confirmed by our resident excuse-monger, Elspeth Ritchie. Coupled with Jaffe’s decades of reporting on the war from his air-conditioned office in downtown Washington, DC, facing the life of an actual soldier was just too much for him to bear.”

Major Jaffe is currently in custody. He was easy to capture since he immediately began urinating on his victims and taking pictures of Davan Mahara, who was posing with the Afghans, which is all part of our unit SOP, just like the real military. Also, in keeping with DoD policy, we’ve been waterboarding the shit out of Jaffe. Not as a method to extract information from him, but because we can’t get Rick Maze to stop. He’s like a puppy with a new squeak toy.”

Of course, the military is rethinking it’s policy of allowing journalists to train the Afghan military. Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler explains; “Some of those journalists had tattoos hidden under their tailored LL Bean uniforms. If we had known that before, we’d have known they weren’t going to meet the high standards of the Army.”

Hamid Karzai, President of Afghanistan immediately called for the removal of all journalists in that country. Karzai told reporters from inside his money-counting vault “Look, we have plenty of fourteen year-old girls they can shoot, but we’re running short of military-aged men.”

Of course, this is satire, my second attempt. StrikeFO was right, it’s easier than it looks. Especially when you get to make shit up about real people for whom you have no respect.

Category: Satire