Journalists to “surge” in Afghanistan

Seventy-five journalists from around the nation have formed an infantry company and they’re volunteering their service to the country in the war in Afghanistan. They plan on leaving for the war next week after nearly a week of training in the parking lot outside of The Military Times in Arlington, Virginia.

“We’re tired of being told by milbloggers that we’re just spectators in the war against terror,” declared Greg Jaffe of the Washington Post. “I told milbloggers at their little conference this Spring that their time has passed and that journalists have been at this war for more than ten years and we know as much about combat as they know. Now we’re going to prove it!”

The company commander, Tobias Naegele, who is also the senior editor at Military Times, said “Those milbloggers are just out-of-control these days. I’ve tried to get some of them fired but they don’t seem to work for anybody. So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to put them in their place. I’ve been a senior editor of the Military Times for 18 years, that has to count for something.”

“What’s really messed up,” continues Naegele, “Is that the milbloggers blame us for them having to do our job for us. It’s hardly our fault that we have to primp and preen most of the time and show up in our offices almost every day. Most of them are just sitting around their living rooms in their underwear. They have no fancy parties to attend, and they mostly get their product from us. All they do is punch up our stories with the research we’re too lazy to do. Sure we steal their content without giving them any credit, that’s their fault for being an open source. So who is really the bad guy here?”

Another Washington Post reporter, Thomas Ricks, explained that he was going to Afghanistan to prove that anyone can do it, so that he can confidently claim that veterans don’t deserve a 20-year-retirment. “I’ve been advocating for years that twenty years in the military is a breeze and not deserving of such a brief service period to qualify for retirement. Now I get my chance”, said the 57-year-old SAW gunner, obviously straining under the weight of his 300 rounds of ammunition and the 17 pound weapon.

Los Angeles Times editor, Davan Mahara, who famously released the “atrocity pictures” of US soldiers posing with dead bodies of suicide bombers told us that they’ve been training day and night in preparation for their anticipated deployment next week. “I used to go out to veterans’ cemeteries at night and urinate on the graves all by myself, now I go out with my peeps so we can get a real feel for what the troops are doing in Afghanistan. And we can call it “realistic training”. The camaraderie is infectious. Last night, when we finished training, I went home and tore all of the shrubbery out of my yard like a real Special Forces soldier.

Leo Shane III of The Stars & Stripes said, “We can’t take weapons to Afghanistan, but my friend, Jake Diliberto, who won a tournament for being an Afghanistan Veteran somewhere says that there have been so many deaths in the war, thousands of weapons are just lying on the ground. Surely we can find 75 that are serviceable. Matthis Chiroux confirmed that from his experience there, too.”

“This is total bullshit,” said Wendy Bigelow, an intern with the New York Times from Southern Methodist University. “I just finished a deployment as a staff sergeant with the Texas National Guard and I finally get some time to work on my education and these nimnils are making me deploy again, as a private. And all I’ve been doing is pulling ticks out of Rick Maze’ buttcrack since I got here. I was in charge of a Female Engagement Team, for Pete’s sake.”

The champagne flight to Kabul is scheduled for Wednesday next week, once all of the participants decide which medals and badges they want to earn while they’re deployed.

OK, this my first attempt at satire, so go easy on me, because the people I’ve named in the piece probably won’t.

Category: Satire