Your Stolen Valor Final Four – A Children’s Story
Sharkey the Pooh and the Stolen Valor Honey Pot
Sharkey the Pooh was a failure at everything he did. He failed at wrestling, politics, movies and kidnapping. And so he tried to think of what he could do. But he was a pooh with a very little brain, so when he thought, he thought in the most thoughtful way he could think. So he looked in the mirror and thought.
“My God am I fat” he proclaimed. “Maybe it’s all these burgers I eat. Before I think, I should work off this lard!”
Up, down, up
When I up, down and touch the ground
It puts me in the mood
Up, down and touch the ground
In the mood for food
I am stout, round and I have found
Speaking poundage wise
I improve my appetite
When I exercise
I am short, fat and proud of that
And so, with all my might
I up, down and up and down
To my appetite’s delight
While I up, down and touch the ground
I think of things to chew, like honey
With a hefty happy appetite, I’m a hefty happy Pooh
With a hefty happy appetite, he’s a hefty happy Pooh
“I know” he cried! “I’ll steal the honey pot of valor that other folks toiled for!”
And so he did. Before moving to Russia because he thinks Putin is the shit.
But this made Eeyore sad, because he didn’t have a tail tale of his own. SO he asked his friends to help him find one.
In the end, he just went on Larry King and lied about being in Iraq and Afghanistan. Because he’s a liar and that’s what they do.
Fibber is a friend of Eeyore and Pooh’s and he felt sad that they had awesome histories, so he bounced…and he bounced….and he bounced. And he landed on his head. Undeterred, he sang to the Durango Herald reporter, saying
The wonderful thing about Fibbers
Is we are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
I jumped out of an airplane over Kandahar,
Almost as high as the stars.
Cause Delta’s are bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Delta’s with Pony Tails is
I’m the only one
And then Fibber married a chick who claimed to be a lawyer and she sued the shit out of everyone in Poohville.
But Piglet is Sharkey the Pooh’s closest friend amongst all the animals, and despite the fact that he is a “Very Small Animal” of a generally timid disposition, he tries to be brave and on occasion conquers his fears. Once he got so brave that he stole money from a girls softball league. He also takes naughty pictures of people whom he ties up. But, since I promised this dumbass post at noon, and it is now 11:47, you get a video of Mailahn Piglet’s big race.
The End.
Pictures by Sniper, Story by Me, apologies to Mr. Milne, and results were as follows:
Sharkey def. Truitt 58/42
Oliver def. Fatty 56/44
Diliberto def. Wilson 69.5/30.5
Mailahn def. Poe 51.4/48.6
Category: Politics
I will never look at a Winne the Pooh story the same ever again.
Four for four, baby!
Next week is gonna be fuckin epic.
Nice, Mailahn and Poe right down to the wire….
OMG!!! Best. Post. EVAR!!!!
Was this inspired by the Muppet Dance Theme Party?
Soda just ejected forcefully from my nose….I’m not sure if my eyes are watering from laughing so effing hard or the carbonation burn in my sinus cavity…HOLY SHIT that was funny right there!!!
wait wait wait, I….ummm…..found this box of balots in the trunk of my car.
I went 3 for 4. Oh well you can’t win them all.
I can’t believe the stutterin, cryin, singin an lyin cowboy didn’t make it.
“And then Fibber married a chick who claimed to be a lawyer and she sued the shit out of everyone in Poohville.” Best line of the story. GUNNY DRIVEWAY FTW!!
Excellent. TSO and Sniper, you’ve outdone yourselves.
My confidence was almost shaken in Driveway’s chances after Hondo’s unnecessarily serious and accurate riposte to my blatant Ronad lobbying on that other thread. Thought maybe I’d have to find some uncounted votes in the trunk of my car.
Also, fuck Milne. Winnie the Pooh sucks, and it is entirely appropriate that it be forever connected to such stunning acts of douchebaggery. I’m surprised you guys didn’t put together a Christopher Robin/Ballduster photoshop for the tourney’s logo this round.
Rockin the Spidey thong. Surely the original didn’t have that on Facebook or something?
@10 “Winnie the Pooh sucks”….
Now that’s funny sh1t. I’ve always thought it was a bit of a namby pamby pile of crap myself….nice to know others share a similar outlook.
I demand a recount. I think Fatty should have pulled that one out.
Come on. How can you not love a 500 pound beast in a jacked up set of dress blues?
Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, you can’t mix Pooh with Spidey!!
My head’s going to explode.
And that’ll do, TSO. That’ll do.
Swear to God, you guys are gonna get me fired, I just burst out laughing so loud at work.
Like they don’t think I’m already insane here…..
Fred: yeah, I was bit surprised that the Round Mound of Ribbons-by-the-Pound didn’t make it too. But that’s life.
BohicaTwentyTwo: Timmy-poo “the Craven” Poe and “Ronad” Mailhan were so damn closely matched – and both so worthy of making the finals – that I suspected that one would be effectively a coin-toss. Both were prime examples of asshattus maximus stolenvalorous. I thought Poe deserved the nod by a RCH, but the voters have spoken. Although I’d love to see the actual voter rolls from Precinct 13 in Jim Wells County down in South Texas for this election . . . .
Has anyone sent this to Gunny Driveway yet–so he can see how far he has lasted? I really need some of his comments so I can help exercise the ole noodle by trying to decypher his sentences. Plus, there hasn’t been a “suicide” in a few months and maybe next years memorial tournament can be hyphenated!
Brain bleach…oh god, do I need brain bleach…
There is so much badassness in this Fecal Four that I am worried that my screen will explode from sheer exsposure.
4 for 4! It’s gonna be tough to choose the lowest of the low. These guys are like the four horsemen of the a-pack-of-lies.
Now I am going to have to go for Gunny Driveway.
I voted for Poe….Before I voted against him.
2 for 4 only – but as a matter of principle I think it’s important to stand up and be counted! WE ARE the 48.6 percent!
@22 I thought we were the 2 percent.
I can’t read Pooh to my kids any more without seeing that dude in his spidey undies.
Sharkey has it for the final two.
Mailman vs Diliberto….this is the race to watch. I have no idea who to vote for!
Though I have to say if Diliberto goes on and competes against Sharkey it will be the battle royale.
I always knew it was boiling down to the ultimate douche-off of Sharkey v. Mailahn. I never lost hope.
O. M. G. If you guys are going to post photos like those, could you please warn people first?
Sharkey in a Pooh costume….oh, dear God. :~P
What has been seen….cannot be unseen….
So awesome.
So very, very awesome.
Here ya go, 679Prig:
It’s gonna be Gunny Driveway/Sharkey, and I think it’ll be the Gunny.
Although I’m still shocked that Oliver made it this far.
UpNorth: That’s the main reason why I wanna see Precinct 13’s voter rolls from Jim Webb County in Texas from this election. I think someone’s been channeling George Parr! (smile)
I dunno, Hondo, it could have been the trunkloads of ballots in Franken’s car that put the pony-tailed pussy over the top. Or, maybe the ballots were stored in Carradine’s closet?
Nooooo. As mentioned other day, almost everyone I backed didn’t make the cut. Sure hope that trend changes before Nov!!!
Great post guys!
For posts like this, can we please get some sort of “spoiler alert” like what Yahoo does for Olympic Games results?
My credit card balance is gonna start looking like the national debt if I keep having to replace keyboards. Either that, or I quit bringing drinking liquids to the computer desk.
never seen the interweb used better anywhere else…you people are a MACHINE! steamroller comes to mind! thank you all for countless laffs,insights and info…will hafta stop lurking and join in next time…maybe figger out how to nominate some locals i’ve suspicioned were/are overdoing it a little…1:battlefield commission to 1stLt+”shoulda had 11 Purple hearts”,active in AMVETS,MVPA,VFW,DAV…2:ranger,E8 promotable,claims mogadishu,”on the chopper that crashed,but 1/2 hour earlier”, AMVETS,boy scouts,knows “all the cops in town”, claims got VA $$ for PTSD…in 1 1/2 months! my eyes are now wide open and for that,THANK YOU ALL! $20MIKE said that
What?
Cheese -n- Rice! Sharkey vs. Mailman?!? What kinda logic can you use to decide to between world record turd buckets?!?
YatYas, and i’m just spitballing here, even though there can only be “1”, they will both always be number “2”? As in deuce. Hey, I tried.
You know, if Witless had one, this would’ve been “Witty-the-Pooh,” but there’s no use crying over spilled sewage..
#37, between those two, I’d use the logic of voting for the guy with an actual military record, so that he had to at least [i]act[/i] sane and do something productive for a few minutes back in his life. “You served, and then you swerved.”
err had [i]won[/i]…
re.#35…. WAIT!!there WILL be a “next time”…RIGHT???