How my bookstore pissed me off at lunch

(Another soft hitting account of life in the slow lane from the Oasis of Intertubes Intellectualism)

 There are no greater things in this world than bookstores and Irish Pubs.  (Some Navy guys *cough* Nixon *cough* might suggest that brothels also rank, but not for this cat.)  Seriously, you can nourish your soul with either a frothy Guinness, or a dog-earned copy of Cyrano de Bergerac.  So, since liquid lunch on a Wednesday is not advisable (least not when my employers read this blog), off I sojourned to Borders books at lunch.

 When I say I love bookstores, I do not hyperbolize.  You know when you meet someone of the opposite sex and you get all excited and wonder if your fly is down and keep reminding yourself not to stare, and need to go the bathroom?  That’s me in bookstores (no lie) so I approach such an outing like an pirate ambush:  Get in, get out, quit  F__ing about, ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

 So, I got to the “New in Hardcover” section, proudly proclaimed thusly by the cardboard sign affixed to the stand.  (Stay with me people, there will eventually be a point to this.)  I see nothing I don’t own, so I move on.  But out of the corner of my eye, I see those “Recommendations” sections where the retarded girl with the nose piercing and glass eye tells you what she would read if she wasn’t busy sniffing glue.  And next to this section was the “If you liked this book, you’ll LOVE these” section.  And there I see Lone Survivor: The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10, by Marcus Luttrell. 

 Now, if you haven’t read the book yet, you shouldn’t be on the internet.  Seriously, you are an asshat and need to call in sick tomorrow, and not come back out into public until you’ve read it.  Whether you support or oppose the war, the Bush Family Evil Empire or the Navy, everyone should read it.  I’ve had the pleasure of talking to Marcus.  Our conversations mainly dealt with me asking him if his combat situations had prepared him for what I assumed were droves (nay, legions) of women tossing their panties at him, whether he fashioned himself the Tom Jones of our generation, and how willing he would be to share his cast offs with me.  In turn, he looked at me while frantically waving down police officers to get mental health professionals to come deal with the dude who was clearly insane.  None of which has anything to do with this post.

So, anyway, what books do you think were there with Marcus’?  Now bear in mind, if you liked Lone Survivor, you will LOVE ____.  (read previous sentence in Gene Rayburn Match Game style.)

The answer in this particular Borders Bookstore was these three books:

1) Blackwater: The Rise of the World’s Most Powerful Mercenary Army, by Jeremy Scahill. 

2)  Warrior King: The Triumph and Betrayal of an American Commander in Iraq by Nathan Sassaman

3) What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception by Benedict Arnold McClellan.

What in Spongebob’s blue ocean made the people at Borders think that someone reading Marcus’ book would enjoy these unfortunate uses of trees?  I can only assume that my borders is terminally infested with illiterates or those suffering either cranial rectal inversion or some other diminshed mental capacity ailment.

 I would rather be a phrenologist reading the bumps on a homeless man’s skull than read those works.  I would rather see my face on the cover of “Coming Out” magazine after a night of severe intoxication than read that stuff.  I would rather show up for a date with Skye and have Chris Hanson come out and tell me to take a seat and ask me what I am doing there than read that crap.

 For the record Borders Bookstore on 20th and M street, the proper responses to “If you liked Lone Survivor, you will LOVE ____” is:

1) House to House by the incomparable David Bellavia.

2) Will: The Autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy, by the bald moustachioed one.

3) How to kill a man with a plastic spork, and still get his family to apologize for wrecking your utensils with low quality blood by TSO.

 OK, that last one might not be real, but it is essentially what Marcus’ book is like.

So yeah, Borders ruined my lunch.

Category: Pointless blather