Round 1: Seek Help Regionals

BALLOTING IS CLOSED, PLEASE GO VOTE NOW FOR THE SPECIAL OPS REGIONAL.

Today we have a Legend, a time traveler, a Photoshop Fusilier, an Albino midget, a man who stares at goats, a Baskin Robbins Ranger, a Shitbird Educator, and the Spokesdouche of the Running Mouth Tribe.

First, the results from yesterday….it was REALLY close until the RangerUp swarm hit, and the 5 and 6 seeds scored some huge upsets:

As before, if you want more on any individual asshat contestant, I encourage you to go to this link, and click around.

Game 1: The Legend v. the Time Traveler

The Legend – Rick Duncan/Strandlof/King

 

Claims:
What can you say about a man who has done it all for the Stolen Valor Community? A US Naval Academy Graduate, Rick Duncan had greatness thrust upon him during the 9/11 attacks when this young Marine found himself in the Pentagon when it was under attack. From there, he took command of a Battalion of Marine Infantry at the Battle of Fallujah. This openly gay Battalion Commander had a finger shot off, and a plate in his head from the horrific wounds he received there. After medical discharge, Rick decided to do all he could for groups like IVAW and VoteVets, appearing on their behalf all over the state of Colorado. He founded his own veterans group, and appeared in numerous campaign commercials for various left-wing causes, and Democratic politicians.

He likes to write:

And the soldier who was once branded in madness as a baby killer is now glorified as a saint, an angel in camouflage and their service is being used by the Chicken Hawks In Chief as a guilt inducing distraction. The monuments both of stone and of flesh are sullied by those who have propagated this current war of convenience and who see only profit in its perpetuation. Because it is a turf war, a braggart’s war, a who-has-the-biggest-dick war, the Mother of All Oil Wars war. A sick, unjust perversion being waged as I write this, as you read this. It is just another substandard outsourced product, being sold by cynical manufacturers of maladies and corrupt concoctors of cures, bought by a nation of consumers too guilty to stop buying the line, unable to shake their shame for having once treated a previous generation of warriors like shit when they, like their current incarnations, were only following the rules of the game.

Where are the wars to stop genocidal madmen armed with machetes?

Somewhat quixotically, he is now a tea party activist, Israel supporter, and high-priced attorney.

Truth:
Grifter, moron, liar. Rick Duncan spent the war watching it on CNN from his room at the Happy Acres mental facility. Not one day of military service, and a lifetime of convincing folks he is someone he isn’t.

VS

The Time Traveler – Major Chris Shaner*
*Note, on previous things we had “Shane” but it is Shaner.

Claims:

A U.S. Army Reserve major, Shaner told in an April 24 Wichita Eagle article about killing an insurgent in the Iraq war. Shaner told how in December 2006 in Baghdad, he chased down and killed an Iraqi insurgent who detonated a roadside bomb that killed U.S. Army Captain Shawn English.

Later in his deployment, Shaner would became ill with a pulmonary embolism on Father’s Day, and was taken on an evacuation flight to Germany. A nurse based out of Travis Air Force Base was on that plane and prayed a prayer to Father Emil Kapaun, a candidate for Roman Catholic sainthood, as she tried to save his life, Shaner said. Shaner claimed he woke up on the airport tarmac in Germany with a chaplain giving him the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick. The chaplain’s last name was Love, and he gave him a St. Christopher medal when Shaner was heading home.

Truth:
Yeah, not so much. Captain English’s wife saw the article, and called to correct Shaner’s version on all accounts. Shaner was 15 miles away at the time of English’s death. “To me and to my boys, there were a lot of heroes that day, but Chris Shaner wasn’t one of them,” English said of the day her husband was killed. English provided The Eagle with the name of her husband’s commanding officer in Iraq, Col. Doug Heckman. He said that Shaner was in the unit he commanded in Iraq, but that Shaner wasn’t with the attacked convoy.

Shaner, now a teacher at Colvin Elementary School, later admitted in an e-mail that he had related an “imagined” version of events. He said he did it because he’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder because of his Iraq experiences.

“I don’t know what I was thinking at the time, how the subject even came up, what was going through my mind as you read it back to me (flashback?),” Shaner wrote in the e-mail.

Game 2: Photoshop Fusilier v. Albino midget

(4) Photoshop Fusilier – Jhon Kerwin Williams

Claims:
An LT in the 101st, when Jhon isn’t running point on combat patrols, he is either flying his F15 or his helicopter. He is a graduate of Northwestern University, despite the fact that that institution neither offers the degree he claims, nor the major he claims. Additionally, Northwestern’s finest here misspelled “Lieutenant”. Earlier this year he deployed to Libya:

Jhon Kerwin Williams
this comming monday,108th AIRBORNE DIVISION we are going to LIBYA their political CRISIS… March 5 at 5:39am

He is apparently still deployed, as a Facebook message from a week ago stated “im back,2dayz 1night in airbase…”

Truth:

Appears to be some Philippines based scam. He has like 10 friends, all of whom comment on each others facebooks in order to make them look real. Each of his pictures from combat have been positively identified as photoshop, even finding the original sources. His most recent military photos show him unshaven, and wearing the wrong BDU pattern (woodland with Tiger Stripes.)

VS

(5) Albino Midget – Skip Hall

Claims:
From military.com:

Jess “Skip” Hall, founder of a Birmingham, Ala.-based security and training company called “Hollow Point,” doesn’t mince words about wanna-bes who pretend to be more than they are. He uses the language of a former Green Beret and Vietnam combat veteran.

“There are many fakes and so-called experts in everything today,” he says in the opening page to his blog, “starting [with] the individual in the White House.” On his website, Hall lists a number of qualifications and experiences beneath his photo, including “5th SF SOG A Team Leader, Vietnam.” Another page includes an image of an “unofficial” 5th SOG patch from Vietnam — a skull wearing a Green Beret — and beneath it reads: “Skip Hall’s Unit Patch.” In addition to Vietnam and Korea, Hall also claims to have served in the Middle East, to have worked as a Defense Department contractor, and that — at 63 — he was the world’s oldest Mixed Martial Arts fighter.

Truth:
“He was a clerk typist and he spent all his time in Korea,” said Jeff “JD” Hinton, who routinely ferrets out and exposes phony war heroes on his website, ProfessionalSoldiers.com. “He never went to Vietnam.”  Hall’s military records, copies of which he provided to Military.com, show he was initially trained as a repairman for crypto equipment at Fort Monmouth, N.J., in 1966. Some months later, he was reassigned to Fort Dix, N.J., and trained as a clerk typist.

Game 3: Spooky 8 v. the Baskin Robbins Ranger

(3) Spooky 8 – Bob King

Claims:
Bob King grew up in, and currently live in Wenatchee, Washington. Born in 1952, joined the Army in 1972, he went to basic training in June 1972 at Fort Ord, California. And then he went to the Basic Airborne Course, was recruited by a nameless covert operations organization while he attended BAC (weren’t we all?) and went on to be the studly killer and mayhem-organizer of Spooky 8 fame.

From Jonn’s book review of Spooky 8’s autobiography:

On one mission, flying in a C-119 from a secret air base in Vietnam, they caught a Surface to Air Missile as they crossed the Thai border. Luckily, the surface to air missile only hit the cargo they were carrying (the heat seeking missile probably zeroed in on Bob King’s hot manliness instead of the engines on the wings) so they merely pushed the heavy pallets out so they could continue. Turns out that the missile also damaged the tail section so they had to crash land the aircraft – again, luckily, they crashed a few hundred meters from their secret airstrip in Thailand.

As they straggled up to the secret airbase (which was so secret that they didn’t need perimeter guards or fences) , all of the pilots were hanging around their aircraft drinking beer (because that’s what pilots do – they hang around their aircraft and drink beer all hours of the days and nights). They said “We saw you crash. Here, have a beer.”

For his missions to South America, instead of using the traditional methods of reconnaissance, King would use “remote viewers” – you know like the psychics who travel around in their minds and see stuff in another part of the world. I wondered why they’d bother using sophisticated electronic equipment to monitor drug routes when all they needed to do was to have these remote viewers watch the stuff for them. But that’s just me.

I hate to spoil the ending for you, but it turns out that the CIA decided that dealing drugs was a more lucrative way to fund the government than taxing the shit out of a few hundred million American people. They started Just Cause to firm up the drug trafficking routes. Iran-Contra was just a part of it all – damn that Ollie North!

Actual:
Bob King didn’t make it through jump school. Two weeks after he got there, he was on his way to Fort Sill, OK to be a cannon cocker, but he ends up being a colonel’s driver. l Bob King only made it as far as a Specialist, and never deployed anywhere.

VS

(6) The Baskin Robbins Ranger – Matthis Chiroux

Claims:
Best known as the flag burning rapist seen at any rally he can get invited to, or at your kid’s HS, Matthis has a long history. Often breaks into tears when he discusses his occupation of Afghanistan and how he was forced to point his weapon at Afghan children. Has publicly apologized 13,231 times to various Afghans for his role in subjugating their people. Suffers from acute PTSD which he got from talking to other people about their service.

Truth:
Went TDY to Bagram AB for 6 days. Never served in any warzone for a week, actual service was as a reporter. Is not a Afghan Veteran, has an other than honorable discharge. Likes to fleece women for money, while somehow portraying himself as a womyn’s libber who only slept wit the Filipino prostitute against her will because that’s what the Army trained him to do.

Game 4: Shitbird Educator v. Running Mouth Tribe Spokesdouche

(2) Shitbird Educator – Ray Shepansky

Claims:

Mr. Schepansky has been presenting himself in the Plymouth Canton Community as a retired Major Special Forces. He teaches military history. He had mannequins in his room in SF uniforms, he had a deskplate with that information and business cards. He presented this to all teachers, students, parents and administrators. He has made numerous threats to kill school administration. On April 14th, after being asked not to return to school the previous day, due to angry outbursts. He came to school with a gun and ammunition. He has over 1,200 dedicated student followers who believe his Special Forces lies.

Truth:
According to records (which erroneously call him a Specialist First Class when they mean to list his rank as Sergeant First Class) he was a Red Leg fire support coordinator from 1976 – 1992. He has now been fired from his job, and still is facing the weapons’ charge.

VS

(7) Running Mouth Tribe Spokesdouche – Jasper Lake

Claims:
Straight from the horses ass:

Hello, My name is SPC. Jasper Lake and I am 26 years old. My clans are Manygoats born for the Bitterwater people. My maternal grandfathers are Towering House people and my paternal grandfathers are Walking Around people. I did my Base traing in FT.Leonardwood,missouri. after completing my base training I was station out in Seattle, Washington.
Awards I well also be getting is Purple Heart,Good Conduct Medal, Bronze Star.

I feel that I deserves this award conspicuously for my gallantry and intrepidity. I SPC. JASPER LAKE distinguished myself by risking my own life above and beyond the call of duty for my platoon while engaged in action against an enemy of the United States. I believe that I have earned this prestigious achievement when I put my own life endanger to help my squad team return back to the Stryker. Me and my platoon were in a pit while under a line of fire. I volunteered to stay behind and protect my platoon from enemy cross fire. This mission took place in Mosul, Iraq. The MEDAL OF HONOR is awarded to those individuals who have performed heroic duty. I have taken the opportunity to prove this to my platoon, leaders, and myself that I have the courage and assisted when I was needed.
I am also asking for your help and support in donations this well help me with the expenses of my travel to get my awards.

One day well on patrol in Iraq his unit was pinned down by enemy fire coming from all directions. Jasper, who was Striker (armored personnel carrier)driver and mechanic raced through the enemy fire dodging bullets, retook the vehicle and drove back in a rescued his unit taking some shrapnel from an explosive along the way.

Truth:
Those awards do not appear in his official record, said Ray Gall, a spokesman for Army Human Resources Command. Lake’s highest award is the Army Commendation Medal. Lake, 27, joined the Army in September 2002 and served in Iraq from October 2004 to November 2005 with the 73rd Engineer Company, which was part of the 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division, according to the Army. He remained in the Individual Ready Reserve until August 2010. Lake’s company commander at the time said Lake was not considered for the Medal of Honor.

“I remember Lake, but it’s really unfortunate that he or others are pushing for this recognition that was never considered for him,” Maj. Kevin R. Golinghorst told The Rumor Doctor in an e-mail. “He and these organizations should be proud of his service and leave it at that.”

And now, it is all up to you, who advances to the big dance, and who goes home without their Cinderella Slipper and huge bag O’douche.

Category: Politics