Weekend Open Thread: Yer Friday Funnies

| June 21, 2019

Here are some quotations that should leave you smiling, if not laughing. Unless of course you’ve had your sense of humor surgically removed. (smile)

. . .

“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
— Anonymous

“Winston, if you were my husband I’d put poison in your coffee.”
“If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
— Lady Astor and Winston Churchill, following an argument

“Surely nothing could be that funny.”
— jazz singer George Melly, after hearing Mick Jagger insist his wrinkles were laugh lines

“Superman don’t need no seat belt.”
“Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
— exchange between Muhammed Ali and an unnamed flight attendant which occurred after the flight attendant had asked Ali to buckle up

“So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.”
“So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
— exchange between radio and TV personality Joe Pyne and Frank Zappa during a 1960s interview

“Everyone knows I never read comics.”
“That explains ‘Batman’.”
— exchange between director/writer Kevin Smith and Tim Burton (Smith had just told Burton that Burton’s film “Planet of the Apes” reminded him of a comic book Smith had written.)

“Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?”
“May all your dreams come true.”
— exchange between an unnamed female fan and Leonard Nimoy

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.”
— Dennis Miller, comedian

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
— Richard Dawkins, scientist

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”
— Socrates

“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.”
— Steve Mirsky, author

 
 
And, finally (and somewhat seriously, though it also should make you smile for different reasons):
 
 
“Will you tell me how we did this?”
— James E. Rudder, D-Day commander of Ranger Force (2nd and 5th Ranger Bns), to Collier’s reporter W. C. Heinz during a 1954 visit to Pointe du Hoc

 

Sources:

https://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/funniest-quotes-all-time/ (for all except the last quotation)

The last quote is from D-Day, by Stephen E. Ambrose (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994, paperback edition), p. 399. If you’ve never read that history of the Normandy invasion, IMO it’s eminently worth the time.

. . .

OK, enough humor for today. Enjoy the WOT, everyone. And have a great first weekend of astronomical summer (today is the Summer Solstice).

Category: Open thread, Pointless blather, Who knows

Comments (79)

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  1. Commissioner Wretched says:

    First!

    • 5th/77th FA says:

      DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!! Not enough lube on my F5 Key!!!!!! Rats of the Cong to my Man CW. Still sleepy from this long week. Lord over and triviate.

  2. 5th/77th FA says:

    1st

  3. Roh-Dog says:

    Dang!
    Have a great weekend y’all!

  4. 26Limabeans says:

    First

  5. Devtun says:

    In the top five – ain’t too bad.

  6. Commissioner Wretched says:

    Just when I figured I’d never get the coveted First again, thanks to work … I got it! So, to celebrate, two things are going to happen.
    First … you all get this week’s trivia column, which I hope you enjoy.
    Then … I get to spend part of the weekend binge-watching the 1975 series, “Ellery Queen,” starring Jim Hutton and David Wayne.
    Have a great one!

    DID YOU KNOW…?
    How many of The Three Stooges comedy team were brothers?
    By Commissioner Wretched

    I have never understood the attraction of golf.

    Golf has been described by one writer as “a good walk spoiled,” and by another as “a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.”

    (I’m not at all sure what that last quote means, but it struck me as funny, so I included it.)

    My own opinion of golf? When I hit a ball, I want to see a center fielder going after it. I don’t want to have to chase it myself; what’s the point of hitting it, if you’re going to go after it, just to hit it again?

    I don’t mean to disparage golf or golfers; it is a very grand game and I have no doubt many people, including many of my friends, enjoy it about as much as I love baseball. It’s just that I never really understood the game, and as such, I also don’t understand the attraction.

    To be honest, I don’t quite get all the hoopla about football and basketball, either, but that’s another topic for another time.

    Oh, look! I just took up all the introduction space to the column again! Here’s your trivia, guaranteed to be a hole in one (or two or three or …)

    Did you know …

    … King James II of Scotland (1430-1460) once banned the game of golf in his country? He also banned the game we now call soccer. Even though golf had been developed in Scotland, His Majesty said that golf and football distracted citizens from their archery practice. (His theory being, armies don’t fire golf balls at their enemies.)

    … kidney transplants are a bit different from other such operations? In most transplant operations, the non-functional organ is removed and replaced by a new one. Kidney transplant surgeons, however, generally leave the original kidneys in place and just insert the donor organ into the patient’s abdomen.

    … the first branch of the U.S. Stock Exchange was not in New York? It was opened in 1790 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Ironically, it was opened in the London Coffee House. (I’m not exactly sure why that’s ironic, but it struck me that way.)

    … the United States has never lost a war in which mules were used? (Obviously not. Mules are just too stubborn to give up.)

    … the first presidential armored car was originally owned by a gangster? The armored vehicle of President Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945) was once the property of the notorious gangster, Al Capone (1899-1947). (I guess FDR figured that if it worked so well for Capone, it would work just as well for him.)

    … the term “pooh-bah,” meaning powerful and influential person, comes from a musical? The word was coined as the name of one of the characters in The Mikado, an opera created by W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911) and Arthur Sullivan (1842-1900). Pooh-Bah was a character who held several high-sounding and exalted offices, and the name came to be used for anybody who held such. (Like the leader of the Grand Order of the Water Buffaloes in The Flintstones, right?)

    … several members of the popular Three Stooges comedy team were brothers? Of the six men who, over the years, made up the popular zany trio, three – Moe Howard (born Moses Horwitz, 1897-1975), Curly Howard (born Jerome Horwitz, 1903-1952), and Shemp Howard (born Samuel Horwitz, 1895-1955) – were actually brothers. The other members of the team, not related to the Howards, were Larry Fine (born Louis Feinberg, 1902-1975), and the replacements for Curly and Shemp – Joe Besser (1907-1988), and Joe “Curly Joe” DeRita (born Joseph Wardell, 1909-1993). (Nyuk nyuk nyuk!)

    … Dr. Albert Einstein (1879-1955) never learned to drive a car? (I guess he was afraid of driving into a black hole or something.)

    … the toy company Lego got its name from a bit of advice? Lego is an abbreviation of the Danish words leg godt, which means “play well” – good advice for any child. The company was founded in Denmark in the 1930s. (Step on a Lego while barefoot. I bet you won’t say “play well.”)

    … in the city of Tombstone, Arizona, it is illegal for a man or woman over the age of 18 to have more than one missing tooth visible in a smile? (That’s one way to keep the town’s dentist happy and dispel old stereotypes about the West at the same time.)

    … at their closest point, the borders of the United States and Russia are less than two miles apart? The Diomede Islands in the Bering Strait form the border here. Big Diomede, to the west, belongs to Russia, while Little Diomede, in the east, is property of the United States. The actual border between the nations sits between the islands, which are about two miles apart.

    … termites outnumber humans on Earth by a factor of ten to one?

    … the Mall of America, in Bloomington, Minnesota, has no central heating system? I know, you’d think that being in Minnesota (which has two seasons – winter and August) they would need one, right? But the way the Mall is designed, all of the heat is generated by lighting, skylights, and primarily by the number of people in the facility. In fact, they have to run air conditioning during the winter, just to keep the Mall comfortable.

    … it is against the law for anyone in Virginia to practice corruption or bribery – unless that person is a political candidate? (I wouldn’t touch that fact with a ten-foot pole.)
    … mystery writers use the term “unraveling” clues for a reason? The reason is that the word “clue” originally meant a ball of thread. (Now it means a fun board game.)

    Now … you know!

    • akpual says:

      Curly Joe was the worst Stooge ever.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Golf: someone described a game of golf to me as an excuse to take a long walk on someone else’s mowed lawn. I played 18 holes twice. People kept yelling “Four” at me. I yelled “Five!” back at them. That was enough. I stick to long walks in the woods with a camera.

      • A Proud Infidel®™ says:

        A Golf Course is a waste of real estate that could have been a Rifle Range.

        • SFC D says:

          I have a golf ball launcher that screws onto an AR-15 in place of the flash suppressor. Hmm… maybe we need a TAH “Assault Golf” league..,

  7. 5th/77th FA says:

    “Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.”

  8. ChipNASA says:

    Yeah I’m here. Screw you all!

    Thanks to Sarge for the new ALPHABET ASSAULT addition to the The Hemisphere of Insults®™

    We are no Officially into Page 7.

  9. OAE CPO USN Ret says:

    Other funny quotes:

    “LRP41 cometh” – some drunken clown

    “Fear not. I shall never be mentioned in a NTSB report.” – 2 time winner of the lowest altitude record.

    My personal favorite: “Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.”

    • OAE CPO USN Ret says:

      That last quote should be attributed to Mark Twain.

      Apologies for the misprint.

    • Thunderstixx says:

      “Give me liberty… Or give me head” !!!
      A very drunk Thunderstixx while stationed in the icebox anal orifice known as Ft Wainwright in 1975…

  10. 26Limabeans says:

    “(today is the Summer Solstice)”

    The days are now getting shorter.
    There is still snow on Mt. Katahdin.
    Lupins have gone by.

  11. Wilted Willy says:

    Happy Weekend to all my friends at TAH, found out this week they are going to operate on the leg I broke last year to remove all the stuff they screwed my foot back on with! They are hoping it will stop all the pain when I walk! Let’s hope so!!!

  12. Comm Center Rat says:

    This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

    Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995:

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

  13. SFC D says:

    Present! Current weather for this summer solstice, D’s Cantina reports a current temp of 85, with a forecasted high of 91. Tonight’s low will be around 63. Cerveza at 5pm, followed by carne asada tacos. Bring the whole family!

  14. Graybeard says:

    Top 25!

    • Graybeard says:

      Weather at the GB Compound is mid-90’s with heat index above 105. Gotta do my PT work in the early mornings now for a while.

      I was going to spend some time this weekend playing with my new PPK/S… past tense.
      I did the normal (to me, anyway) pre-range routine when I got it home; read the manual, determine how to field-strip it, and run through the field-stripping process once. Got out to the range and the slide was locked, would not move more than 1/4″ backwards.

      Shipped it to the gunsmith this morning. Dunno if I re-assembled it incorrectly or what, but kind bummed.

      Otherwise, live in the GB Compound is going well. Hope you all have a great weekend.

      • Toxic Deplorable B Woodman says:

        SLC UT, first day of summer, 65 Degrees, 20 degrees cooler (colder) than normal.
        Where’s that damned GloBull Worming when you want it? Or the Wrong Reverend Al the Goreacle to roast over an open fire?

      • Ex-PH2 says:

        We had sunshine, clear skies and 70-some degrees for about two hours this morning. I watered the plants on my front steps and refilled the bird feeder.

        Now it’s cloudy and the temperature has dropped back below 70F. It’s June and I still have to run the furnace some times.

      • Claw says:

        Kill frost again this morning on the Snake River Plain. Heat gage read 28 degrees when Scooby and I went out on the deck for our first cup of coffee about 0530. Damn near wiped out the budding marigold survivors that managed to live through a kill frost 10 days ago. Global Warming, my ass.

        Imagine if you will the following conversation between Lucy and Charlie Brown:

        Lucy: ” Liberal scientists can prove global warming/climate change is real.”

        Charlie Brown: “Ha-Ha, They can’t even tell the difference between boys and girls.”

        End Report.

        • Ex-PH2 says:

          The Sun has been in another solar minimum for the past 33 days straight, and Cycle 25 (coming up) is predicted to be the weakest so far.
          Last snow in my kingdom was 3 inches deep, on April 27, this year. I’m tired of this… er, stuff.

          • Claw says:

            Snow in the kingdom: Beartooth Pass on the road from Red Lodge leading to YNP closed last night, calling for up to 10 inches tonight in the Never Summers down in Greenie Land./smile

  15. LC says:

    New York State did something good and changed the laws, allowing SEAL Shaun Donovan the opportunity to serve as a NYC firefighter:

    https://nypost.com/2019/06/20/navy-seal-deemed-too-old-for-fdny-can-now-join-under-new-bill/

    The bill is not yet signed, but it’s all but certain it will be. Virtually any other place would’ve been ecstatic to have someone so capable and dedicated, and it’s embarrassing it took this level of effort to make things right. But at the end of the day, I’m hoping the people of NY give Shaun the welcome he deserves.

  16. Skyjumper says:

    Sorry about the length, but it will be worth it.

    WARNING: go pee and don’t have a mouth full of liquid when you read this!!

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
    goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet

    Here’s what happened:
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
    “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
    “Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
    “Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
    “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
    I was equally outraged.
    “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife
    Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
    “No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
    “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
    “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
    “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”
    “Oh, gross!” they shrieked
    “Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
    “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
    “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
    “Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
    “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
    “Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.
    “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”
    “Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
    “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
    “I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.
    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
    “What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
    “Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
    “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
    “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
    We were silent, absorbing this.
    “So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.
    “Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
    More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
    “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
    Tears were now running down her face. It’s just that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its …… its. . . teeny little . . ”
    She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    “That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
    “I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
    “Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
    Two lizards: $140.
    One cage: $50.
    Trip to the vet: $30.
    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
    Lizards lay eggs!

  17. Hack Stone says:

    It’s been quite a long time since Hack Stone commented on a Weekend Open Thread, but inquiring minds want to know if if seal Phil Monkress will be working balls this weekend?

  18. Steve Balm says:

    PREVIEW of STOLEN VALOR
    NEXT WEEK ON MP & TAH

    Next week we will be posting a couple of cases. For right now we have:

    * A been everywhere, done everything Army Scout, Recon, LRRP, Cavalry, Cobra Pilot on Super Secret Drug Interdiction Teams… but as it turns out he has never been anywhere or done anything

    * Another Phony SEAL… because, you know, we never seem to run out of Phony SEALs to let you know about

    We now return you to your regular programming.

    • Claw says:

      Grumbling while making room on the tote board for more additions to the Valor Vultures by Service list.

      C,mon end of FY19./smile

  19. Just An Old Dog says:

    Is the site EVER going to have a Search Function Again?

  20. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    60rd and Honorary First yet again.

    ((((OVER))))

  21. Thunderstixx says:

    I am truly confused now…
    I am agreeing with Alan Dershowitz as he calls our favorite mule ass face bitch from the dark side of planet dumbfuck a holocaust denier.
    He is right on the money with that one.
    The libturds call everybody Nazi’s and we all know that all they do is denigrate the people that suffered and died in WWII to rid the Earth of the greatest evil ever seen in the history of Civilization…
    Stupid bitch…..
    https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/06/21/alan-dershowitz-ocasio-cortezs-concentration-camps-comparison-makes-her-a-holocaust-denier/

  22. 11B-Mailclerk says:

    I think this sort of thing needs much harsher punishment. It needs to be discouraged, as in “crushed like a bug, stamped out, eradicated”

    https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-executives-get-less-than-year-in-prison-for-selling-sub-par-body-armor-for-us-troops

  23. 11B-Mailclerk says:

    The “transparent aluminum” future tech from Star Trek is now a reality.

    https://www.foxnews.com/tech/sapphire-gem-based-transparent-armor-protects-soldiers-from-snipers

    Sapphire is a form of aluminum oxide.

  24. 26Limabeans says:

    Sad news:

    https://bangordailynews.com/2019/06/22/news/new-england/7-dead-3-hurt-in-new-hampshire-crash-between-truck-motorcycles/

    “the riders were mostly Marine veterans who belonged to the same motorcycle club”