Weekend Open Thread: Yer Friday Funnies

| June 21, 2019

Here are some quotations that should leave you smiling, if not laughing. Unless of course you’ve had your sense of humor surgically removed. (smile)

. . .

“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
— Anonymous

“Winston, if you were my husband I’d put poison in your coffee.”
“If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
— Lady Astor and Winston Churchill, following an argument

“Surely nothing could be that funny.”
— jazz singer George Melly, after hearing Mick Jagger insist his wrinkles were laugh lines

“Superman don’t need no seat belt.”
“Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
— exchange between Muhammed Ali and an unnamed flight attendant which occurred after the flight attendant had asked Ali to buckle up

“So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.”
“So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
— exchange between radio and TV personality Joe Pyne and Frank Zappa during a 1960s interview

“Everyone knows I never read comics.”
“That explains ‘Batman’.”
— exchange between director/writer Kevin Smith and Tim Burton (Smith had just told Burton that Burton’s film “Planet of the Apes” reminded him of a comic book Smith had written.)

“Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?”
“May all your dreams come true.”
— exchange between an unnamed female fan and Leonard Nimoy

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.”
— Dennis Miller, comedian

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
— Richard Dawkins, scientist

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”
— Socrates

“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.”
— Steve Mirsky, author

 
 
And, finally (and somewhat seriously, though it also should make you smile for different reasons):
 
 
“Will you tell me how we did this?”
— James E. Rudder, D-Day commander of Ranger Force (2nd and 5th Ranger Bns), to Collier’s reporter W. C. Heinz during a 1954 visit to Pointe du Hoc

 

Sources:

https://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/funniest-quotes-all-time/ (for all except the last quotation)

The last quote is from D-Day, by Stephen E. Ambrose (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994, paperback edition), p. 399. If you’ve never read that history of the Normandy invasion, IMO it’s eminently worth the time.

. . .

OK, enough humor for today. Enjoy the WOT, everyone. And have a great first weekend of astronomical summer (today is the Summer Solstice).

Category: Open thread, Pointless blather, Who knows

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Commissioner Wretched

First!

5th/77th FA

DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!! Not enough lube on my F5 Key!!!!!! Rats of the Cong to my Man CW. Still sleepy from this long week. Lord over and triviate.

Commissioner Wretched

Prepared to do just that, my friend!

5th/77th FA

1st

Roh-Dog

Dang!
Have a great weekend y’all!

26Limabeans

First

26Limabeans

Or not

Devtun

In the top five – ain’t too bad.

Commissioner Wretched

Just when I figured I’d never get the coveted First again, thanks to work … I got it! So, to celebrate, two things are going to happen. First … you all get this week’s trivia column, which I hope you enjoy. Then … I get to spend part of the weekend binge-watching the 1975 series, “Ellery Queen,” starring Jim Hutton and David Wayne. Have a great one! DID YOU KNOW…? How many of The Three Stooges comedy team were brothers? By Commissioner Wretched I have never understood the attraction of golf. Golf has been described by one writer as “a good walk spoiled,” and by another as “a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” (I’m not at all sure what that last quote means, but it struck me as funny, so I included it.) My own opinion of golf? When I hit a ball, I want to see a center fielder going after it. I don’t want to have to chase it myself; what’s the point of hitting it, if you’re going to go after it, just to hit it again? I don’t mean to disparage golf or golfers; it is a very grand game and I have no doubt many people, including many of my friends, enjoy it about as much as I love baseball. It’s just that I never really understood the game, and as such, I also don’t understand the attraction. To be honest, I don’t quite get all the hoopla… Read more »

akpual

Curly Joe was the worst Stooge ever.

Hack Stone

Curly Joe was the Daniel Bernath Of slapstick humor.

Ex-PH2

Golf: someone described a game of golf to me as an excuse to take a long walk on someone else’s mowed lawn. I played 18 holes twice. People kept yelling “Four” at me. I yelled “Five!” back at them. That was enough. I stick to long walks in the woods with a camera.

A Proud Infidel®™

A Golf Course is a waste of real estate that could have been a Rifle Range.

SFC D

I have a golf ball launcher that screws onto an AR-15 in place of the flash suppressor. Hmm… maybe we need a TAH “Assault Golf” league..,

5th/77th FA

“Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.”

Roh-Dog

Is that akin to “Life is a terminal condition”?

ChipNASA

Yeah I’m here. Screw you all!

Thanks to Sarge for the new ALPHABET ASSAULT addition to the The Hemisphere of Insults®™

We are no Officially into Page 7.

OAE CPO USN Ret

Other funny quotes:

“LRP41 cometh” – some drunken clown

“Fear not. I shall never be mentioned in a NTSB report.” – 2 time winner of the lowest altitude record.

My personal favorite: “Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.”

OAE CPO USN Ret

That last quote should be attributed to Mark Twain.

Apologies for the misprint.

Thunderstixx

“Give me liberty… Or give me head” !!!
A very drunk Thunderstixx while stationed in the icebox anal orifice known as Ft Wainwright in 1975…

26Limabeans

“(today is the Summer Solstice)”

The days are now getting shorter.
There is still snow on Mt. Katahdin.
Lupins have gone by.

Wilted Willy

Happy Weekend to all my friends at TAH, found out this week they are going to operate on the leg I broke last year to remove all the stuff they screwed my foot back on with! They are hoping it will stop all the pain when I walk! Let’s hope so!!!

Graybeard

Prayers for a successful unscrewing, WW.

Hope everything else is going well.

Wilted Willy

Thanks Graybeard, I’ll let you know!

Fyrfighter

Best of luck WW, prayers out to you!

Thunderstixx

God be with you WW.
Don’t give up on yourself, God hasn’t given up on you yet !!!

UpNorth

Thoughts and prayers, WW.

Comm Center Rat

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

26Limabeans

Reminds me of the SR-71 requesting FL 600.

https://aviationhumor.net/request-for-clearance-to-fl-600/

Eden

This one’s my favorite:

http://wesclark.com/burbank/sr_71.html

Roh-Dog

Every time I read or hear this I giggle like the 12-year-old that guys never grow completely out of.
Aspen Two-Zero ftw!

The Stranger

I wonder if any of Bernath’s incidents are on that website…🤣

SFC D

A Proud Infidel®™

Speaking of brainy boaters:

OAE CPO USN Ret

I realize it’s a long running joke. However, the Lincoln was just returning to NAS Alameda from a deployment in October 1995.

See the last paragraph at this link. https://www.history.navy.mil/research/histories/ship-histories/danfs/a/abraham-lincoln-cvn-72-ii.html

thebesig

Didn’t actually happen:

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/the-obstinate-lighthouse/

Likewise, the Operations Specialists, using radar, navigation charts, and other aids… And the Quartermasters on the bridge doing the same… With assistance from the lookouts, provided a common navigational picture.

Although real estate holding a lighthouse would show movement on relative plots, it would show no movement on nonrelative plots.

Likewise, even if it were a ship that was dead in the water, and it didn’t want to move out of the way, then the other ship has to move out of the way. Unless they changed, maritime rules of the road require both sides to avoid a collision, regardless of who has the right of way.

If that happened for real, the U.S. ship would’ve executed an avoiding course maneuver.

Graybeard

Whatcha doin’ ruining a good joke with facts, thebesig?

Party pooper.

thebesig

Withdrawal symptoms from not taking on exposed phonies/embellishers, or not taking on trolls, or not taking on sock puppets, on the account that not many want to tangle with us. :mrgreen:

gitarcarver

The Navy even has a webpage on this alleged incident:

https://www.navy.mil/navydata/questions/litehuse.html

Comm Center Rat

If this incident is merely a sea story then I guess the TAH sailors will be telling us that Maverick never actually buzzed the Miramar NAS air traffic control tower. Or the Admiral in the Village People never really served in the fleet.

SFC D

So Maverick really didn’t go ballistic with Penny Benjamin?

SFC D

Present! Current weather for this summer solstice, D’s Cantina reports a current temp of 85, with a forecasted high of 91. Tonight’s low will be around 63. Cerveza at 5pm, followed by carne asada tacos. Bring the whole family!

Graybeard

Top 25!

Graybeard

Weather at the GB Compound is mid-90’s with heat index above 105. Gotta do my PT work in the early mornings now for a while.

I was going to spend some time this weekend playing with my new PPK/S… past tense.
I did the normal (to me, anyway) pre-range routine when I got it home; read the manual, determine how to field-strip it, and run through the field-stripping process once. Got out to the range and the slide was locked, would not move more than 1/4″ backwards.

Shipped it to the gunsmith this morning. Dunno if I re-assembled it incorrectly or what, but kind bummed.

Otherwise, live in the GB Compound is going well. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Toxic Deplorable B Woodman

SLC UT, first day of summer, 65 Degrees, 20 degrees cooler (colder) than normal.
Where’s that damned GloBull Worming when you want it? Or the Wrong Reverend Al the Goreacle to roast over an open fire?

Ex-PH2

We had sunshine, clear skies and 70-some degrees for about two hours this morning. I watered the plants on my front steps and refilled the bird feeder.

Now it’s cloudy and the temperature has dropped back below 70F. It’s June and I still have to run the furnace some times.

Claw

Kill frost again this morning on the Snake River Plain. Heat gage read 28 degrees when Scooby and I went out on the deck for our first cup of coffee about 0530. Damn near wiped out the budding marigold survivors that managed to live through a kill frost 10 days ago. Global Warming, my ass.

Imagine if you will the following conversation between Lucy and Charlie Brown:

Lucy: ” Liberal scientists can prove global warming/climate change is real.”

Charlie Brown: “Ha-Ha, They can’t even tell the difference between boys and girls.”

End Report.

Ex-PH2

The Sun has been in another solar minimum for the past 33 days straight, and Cycle 25 (coming up) is predicted to be the weakest so far.
Last snow in my kingdom was 3 inches deep, on April 27, this year. I’m tired of this… er, stuff.

Claw

Snow in the kingdom: Beartooth Pass on the road from Red Lodge leading to YNP closed last night, calling for up to 10 inches tonight in the Never Summers down in Greenie Land./smile

LC

New York State did something good and changed the laws, allowing SEAL Shaun Donovan the opportunity to serve as a NYC firefighter:

https://nypost.com/2019/06/20/navy-seal-deemed-too-old-for-fdny-can-now-join-under-new-bill/

The bill is not yet signed, but it’s all but certain it will be. Virtually any other place would’ve been ecstatic to have someone so capable and dedicated, and it’s embarrassing it took this level of effort to make things right. But at the end of the day, I’m hoping the people of NY give Shaun the welcome he deserves.

Mason

That is some good news! Thanks for the update.

ChipNASA

Interestingly enough, they probably realized their mistake when this went viral in the press and he was getting offers from Fire Departments all over the country.

The Other Whitey

About damn time. He’d be welcome on my crew any day.

Skyjumper

Sorry about the length, but it will be worth it. WARNING: go pee and don’t have a mouth full of liquid when you read this!! If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet Here’s what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?” I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!” “Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.” “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!” I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) “No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!”… Read more »

Hack Stone

Hack Stone was wondering what type of lizard gives birth as opposed to laying eggs.

Ex-PH2

Dragons engage in live birth. They just don’t talk about it. Dragonettes venture into the world and start exhaling fire by sneezing.

Roh-Dog

Ha!
After the tug did you give Ern a cigarette?
Hahahaha!
Did you at least get some cab fare?
Does he now smile when you come in the room?
Buhahahahaha!

5th/77th FA

Sky you need to get a grip…. on yourself.

Thunderstixx

Kind of like what happens here around 1300 EDT with the F5 keys of several hundred TAH wannabe Lord of the WOT so they can Lord over all us dickweeds !!!

Hack Stone

It’s been quite a long time since Hack Stone commented on a Weekend Open Thread, but inquiring minds want to know if if seal Phil Monkress will be working balls this weekend?

Steve Balm

PREVIEW of STOLEN VALOR
NEXT WEEK ON MP & TAH

Next week we will be posting a couple of cases. For right now we have:

* A been everywhere, done everything Army Scout, Recon, LRRP, Cavalry, Cobra Pilot on Super Secret Drug Interdiction Teams… but as it turns out he has never been anywhere or done anything

* Another Phony SEAL… because, you know, we never seem to run out of Phony SEALs to let you know about

We now return you to your regular programming.

Claw

Grumbling while making room on the tote board for more additions to the Valor Vultures by Service list.

C,mon end of FY19./smile

Just An Old Dog

Is the site EVER going to have a Search Function Again?

Ex-PH2

Try Alt e then f.

Claw

Doesn’t do anything for me (Rank&File Miscreant Dickweed Commenter).

Function only available to Admins?

A Proud Infidel®™

60rd and Honorary First yet again.

((((OVER))))

Thunderstixx

I am truly confused now…
I am agreeing with Alan Dershowitz as he calls our favorite mule ass face bitch from the dark side of planet dumbfuck a holocaust denier.
He is right on the money with that one.
The libturds call everybody Nazi’s and we all know that all they do is denigrate the people that suffered and died in WWII to rid the Earth of the greatest evil ever seen in the history of Civilization…
Stupid bitch…..
https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/06/21/alan-dershowitz-ocasio-cortezs-concentration-camps-comparison-makes-her-a-holocaust-denier/

Thunderstixx

I missed the word LEAST favorite ass faced bitch…

11B-Mailclerk

I think this sort of thing needs much harsher punishment. It needs to be discouraged, as in “crushed like a bug, stamped out, eradicated”

https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-executives-get-less-than-year-in-prison-for-selling-sub-par-body-armor-for-us-troops

Roh-Dog

Wtfing f…
Justice be damned, huh.

11B-Mailclerk

The “transparent aluminum” future tech from Star Trek is now a reality.

https://www.foxnews.com/tech/sapphire-gem-based-transparent-armor-protects-soldiers-from-snipers

Sapphire is a form of aluminum oxide.

Graybeard

Cool.

Wonder if the Trek writer knew that?

26Limabeans

Sad news:

https://bangordailynews.com/2019/06/22/news/new-england/7-dead-3-hurt-in-new-hampshire-crash-between-truck-motorcycles/

“the riders were mostly Marine veterans who belonged to the same motorcycle club”

Sapper3307

That’s my White Mountains ride area, waiting for a good update.

NHSparky

Couple hours from the house. Been up in that area many times.

A lot of those 2-lane roads (of which Rt. 2 is one) are not places to screw around.

My understanding is the collision happened at or near the top of the hill going from Gorham into Randolph.

Prayers for everyone involved.

26Limabeans

Know the area well from my biking days in the 70’s. RTE 2 is a winding road that travels 300 miles just to get 100 miles behind you. Bangor to St Johnsbury takes all day.

The details of this are horrible. The trucking company appears to be a small outfit with a poor safety record.
I doubt there is sufficient insurance.

Photos:

https://www.bostonherald.com/news/

A Proud Infidel®™

Small trucking outfits are here today, gone tomorrow and I doubt that outfit will exist even two weeks from now.