Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5

Before you spend 2 billion on a submarine, you may want to complete some sea trials in your home first. For those who are brave enough, here are a few state-of-the art suggestions to simulate submarine life in the comfort of your home:

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain, shine a $200 flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack”.
• Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
• Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Only view the world through the peephole on your front door.
• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than two gallons of water per shower.
• Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
• Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don’t go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gauges and indicators every 30 minutes.
• Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to “High”.
• Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then watch a different one.
• Don’t do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
• (Optional for Engineering Department): Leave a lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
•Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
•Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
•Invite guests, but don’t have enough food for them.
•Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
•Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
•Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli or soup).
•Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
•Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
•Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
•Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
•Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
•Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
•Check your refrigerator compressor for “sound shorts”.
•Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
•Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
•When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
•Every so often, yell “Emergency Deep!”, run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your family for not having the place “stowed for sea”.
•Put on the headphones from your stereo (don’t plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) “Stove manned and ready”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) “Stove secured”. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
•Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
•Use Kool-aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
•Fill laundry baskets with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
•While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel fuel.
•Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
•Knock a glass of water out of someone’s hand and yell ‘SPILL’. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again. Once they have cleaned it up, make them read canister vacuum reviews out loud, this builds character.
•Request ‘permission to enter’ whenever you go into the kitchen.
•Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
•Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them.
•Whenever someone enters a room you’re cleaning, shout “up and over!” at them so they’ll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
•Paint the windshield of your car black. Make a family member stand up through the sunroof shouting directions at you on where to drive.
•Start every story with “This is no-shit“.
•Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
•Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename it “The Cow”.
•Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
•Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
•Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting “fire, fire, fire” and then restore power.
•Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.
•Paint everything gray, white, or “sea foam” green.
•Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
•Make sure every water valve in your home has two backups in line which must all be operated to obtain water.
•Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
•All communications with outside family and friends is limited to 40 characters or less. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world.
•Run a tube from your car’s exhaust pipe into your living room, yell “prepare to snorkel”, and start the car. You must breathe the fumes for one hour.
•Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost no room to squeeze by.

*The simulator is open-source and may be modified. Feel free to add more suggestions to make the Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5 more realistic.

Category: Satire