William Derek Church; back on the phony pony
Someone uncovered some photos from somewhere of our old friend Derek Church, “The Round Ranger” who thought that it was safe for him to go back in the Stolen Valor waters;
If you have forgotten his back story, he got married in the phony finery at the top of the page, and of course we spotted it right off. When we got his records, we discovered that he had five weeks on active duty and never completed Basic Combat Training. When he was made famous, he tried to sockpuppet his way out of it – his sockpuppet, Wil Chamberlin vouched for his service. His wife piled on, but we were relentless, finally he fessed up to it. I guess he figures that we’d forgot about him;
But who can forget his baggy-ass drawers?
Welcome back to the Thunderdome, Derek.
Category: Phony soldiers, Valor Vultures
Holy Shit Batman! This fat fucker looks likes he is nine months along? Is it kicking yet fucker, it sure should be, it doesn’t have anywhere to get out unless it is going to be an asshole baby? Enjoy your Google fame ass hamster. And one more thing, go Fuck Yourself you phony cocksucker!!!
Nine months? Try nine years.
And he’s probably wearing a 44DD man-bra, to boot.
You know, Derek–boot–that little place you couldn’t graduate from.
Those blues look like they were tailor made for Hillary Clinton!
Thanks for that image,OM. And the cup of coffee that I spewed.
Glad I could help! 🙂
Round! My neighbor! He used to live in the same grid square as yours truly. Not sure if he still does. I drove by the Round Mansion a few weeks ago but didn’t see the tricked out airborne pickemup. Will up the alert level whilst traveling around ole Gamewell and Piney.
Next thing we know ole LtCol Heavy (Compass Call Pilot/Texas State Guard reject) Chevy will pop up.
Oh, how I miss our Cheese Blob Heavy Chevy Sparkle Pony,
Derek Church is still a failure.
Derek Church is still not a Ranger.
Derek Church is still a phony.
Derek Church is still never completed Basic.
Derek Church is not a vet.
Derek Church is up for more Google fame.
Derek Church should have kept his fat adz down.
Typing to fast. Line 4 should read:
Derek Church has still never completed Basic Combat Training.
I apologize for the error.
Well guys, because my WoI trigger finger is itchy and because Derek wants to have a second go round here at TAH, I say this jizz gobbler has earned the infamous Wall of Insults®™
Per our standard TAH Robert’s Rules, do I have a Second?
Second
I second the second.
I here by second!
We now have multiple Seconds.
All in favor say “AYE”.
AYE!!
And there it is and because the TAH Robert’s Rules only require on “AYE” vote, STAND FAST, Ready, ready, ready, Bend over Derek, here it comes. Wall of Insults®™ FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!! TACTICAL NUCLEAR ROUND OUT!!!! DANGER CLOSE!!!! MOPP LEVEL 4!!! TAKE COVER!!!!! William Derek Church, phony Ranger, ALLEGEDLY, but not confirmed, but in some people’s opinion, works balls, tickles taint and tongue punches hobo’s crusty fart boxes all, I Guess, while being a syphilitic, turd-sucking feces factory, Bitch-ass Fuckstick guzzler, pile infested, onion-eyed flapmouthed butt-bailiff, “Fowl” mouthed Chicken fucker, inflamed, “Towel boy” in a gay bath house, Ambulatory verbal dissembling anus, gaping, Cambodian cunt sauce, ball working asshole, Poster-child for abortion, Swallowing Spoo Sampler, shit tonguing, munching wanktoaster, cock gobbling, lientery steatorrhea, sperm burping, tit, sniveling, codpiece licking toilet seat sniffer, lying, taintpimple, Pillow bitin pickle smoocher, Bowl of ass soup, Satan even said about you, “Boy is this guy a DICK!, Sparklepony, worthless, Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas, moldy bowl of ratshit, would wear Richard Simmons’ used jockstrap as a facemask, useless bag of monkey fuck, rancid floor buffer wax spreader, both of your Grandmothers should have had an abortion, just in case, Mayor Grundle of Scrotumburg and Anusville, waste of oxygen, prickwrinkler, anal sphincter canyon yodeling phallic squeezer, numbnuts, snowball, giggling beerflecked canker blossom , maybe a “buggerer of little boys”, rottencrotched, rump wrangling, culo de chongo, booger eating fuckbucket, Lemon Party-lusting fruitcake, putrid, rotting, whoreson whale’s carcass, overzealous polyp burglar, bed wetting, follows in Victorious Felder’s bovine excrement -filled boots, toadstool slime-inhaling dickdrizzling sludge, as fucked up as an opossum eating shit out of a hairbrush, moron, Prevaricating Sphincter, Cock Bagel and Dick Doughnut, baby unit, you’ll never be the man your mother is, Odious Twonk, terminal crotch infection, asshat, dick pickle, wanker, herpes-ridden dung beetle target, first volunteer for being part of a jailhouse human centipede, should eat a nice steaming pile of monkey shit you ass clown, helmet wearing short bus riding window licker, more ate up than a chocolate dildo in a crowded gay bar, shitbag, dipstickus giganticus, Humpty Dumpty cleanup… Read more »
Puppy fucker…
I’m adding it.
Cryptosporidium-ridden tire tosser.
When’s it due? If he ever lost that gut, he’d fall over backwards.
Added too!
😀
Absolutely lyrical….I have wood….
Chip, may I humbly suggest that he is a colostomy bag curator?
hahah! Winner 😀
Added.
Catheter aficionado?
Poofter
added
Pecker-puffing pickle licker!
Added
That is a true beautiful work of art !!!
ChipNASA, your words are a true work to behold !!!
I have contributed mostly but many of you have given your 2 cents and I am only the curator of a living document.
We all should be proud.
one eyed snake charmer
Added.
Chip: I didn’t see my fall back which is ‘moral equivalent of pond scum’. Though I have more or less adopted it, feel free to use it as appropriate.
Addded!
Cum-guzzling gutter slut.
Better yet, “cum-guzzling gutter butt-slut”!
Added.
Thank You ALL!
Festering fuckwart on a sewer rat’s ass!
Adding it.
Festering boil on the ass of humanity.
Lemme guess – Wil Chamberlain also claims to be a 7 foot tall dark complected fella.
Jeez, if yer gonna put on that much weight, don’t sausage-stuff yourself into a uniform.
I guess there was a plumbing issue and this turd resurfaced.
Time to flush him, again.
CHT not large enough to accommodate…discharge directly to sea using mk36 torpedo launcher…that should be one hell of a belly flop
Sorry, but that would be illegal under the Clean Water Act, which requires you to obtain a permit before you discharge a pollutant into the waters of the United States.
So discharge him into the waters of DeNial – he lives there anyways.
Looks like he could lay on his back and BE the Darby Queen.
Oh please, for the love of God, tell me he wasn’t wearing that shirt when he tried to impress some college waitresses at Hooters.
It is obvious from the wedding photo that his uniform was purchased as used, likely from some surplus store. It was clearly fitted for someone about six inches taller than him. I have to laugh at the name you gave him as we had a somewhat rotund Ranger qualified Captain in the 10th SFGA who was nicknamed the Round Ranger, but he was fit and quite trim compared with this fat bodied poser POS.
I wonder how much of his monthly welfare check he used to buy that uniform?
I still have all of his files from the National Guard. They were very cooperative with my FOIA request and even called me on the phone.
Derek You FAT FUCK you will never be forgotten !
MSGRetired I have info for you. Someone is trying to reach you but the e-mail that she has is dead. Look for something from me, through Jonn.
I bet that some Recruiter was short on quota one day and that’s the only reason why William Derek Church even got processed for entry!
I think I rigged his forth point of contact with two G-11 cargo chutes in my younger days.
Ohh…..my favorite chew toy. I hadn’t forgotten about this 10 lb bag of ass. He should have won the Stolen Valor Tourney that year. So, in his new incarnation, it’s the 82nd with master blaster? But I see a generic Ranger shirt over that gut of his too. Stop it, Derick, just put the bunny down and walk away.
Someone above said he’s already deleted his Facebutt page. Well, at least he learned one lesson last time, you get caught, don’t even try to defend your lies. Tuck tail and run fat boy.
Man, He hit 30th AG about 2 years after I did, but I swear he looks 10 years older than I do, and I’m 44. Fuck off Church. I dreamed of earning a Ranger tab and jump wings and all sorts of cool schools, but that never happened for me. I did earn my CIB, which is more than you ever did.
If you are lurking here Church, my advice to you is toss all the t-shirts and hats and other unearned frill you have laying around your doublewide and toss it in the trash, then go forth, and sin no more….again, like you were supposed to do last time.
Can you believe it, two weeks prior to my report in for Ranger School, my damn gal bladder near exploded. I wanted it so damned bad. Didn’t think I could be a real infantry officer without it. Never got the chance again but, I do have my CIB, and that was the least I could do.
Oh, that’s right…based on this, he’s eligible for the next tournament!
You lying fat a$$ piece of $h!+, Wil Chamberlain called, he wants his third chin back.
This William Derek Church is the turd, that while I was dogging him, threatened to bury me under “The Darby Queen”. He must have meant the “Dairy Queen”, because he didn’t have gas enough to get out of Lenoir NC, let alone down to Ft. Benning. Heezaturd. This thread below, is active, and was started 3 1/2 years ago. It is read by people in his neighborhood. Stop by and leave him some love, please:
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc/TNGEBD20QNGRBHOG7/p26#lastPost
Done.
And more done.
Left him some advice. I’m sure he’ll take it to heart. lol
I wondered if he had really given up his case of early-onsete Hallowe’en costume dressup.
William Derek Church, you moron! Are you for REAL!!???
I see you’ve diligently been doing donut curls. From the size of that gut, you’ve been doing multi donut curls … one on each finger, then stuff all of them in your pie-hole when they get close?
He must have got ahold of his wife’s child support check to stock up on some new swag. Those lovable little crumb snatchers will have to go without their generic Mac or Cheese (not I said Mac or Cheese; those child support checks only go so far). I pray to God that Will Chamberlain makes another appearance. That guy saved Derek Church’s life, or did Derek Church save his life? Regardless, the lifesaving move was that one or the other brought along the condoms when they were playing Brokedick Mountain.
Maybe William Derek Church WAS the living life raft that Chamberlain clung to when they were stranded at sea?
I thought David Banner-AKA SGT Shultz was dead?
John Banner portrayed Sgt Schultz. David Banner was played by Bill Bixby on The Incredible Hulk.
I seee nothiiing!
Oh, wait a minute, I do see the resemblance.
Double Wide Derek has a lot going on.
GEEZUS, what is William Derek Church pregnant with, a fuckin’ baby HIPPO? He and his wife MUST be skimming ALL they can from welfare and support checks to keep him in enough Natural light beer, MD 20/20 and cheese puffs to keep that FAT gut nice and round! HEY Round Ranger, have you ever had any kind of a job that paid more than minimum wage since you FLUNKED OUT of BCT?
William Derek Church. WELCOME HOME!!!
William Derek Church was my cellmate this weekend. Whoa whoa whoa! This might be your reaction on the account that I talked about my botched prank at the beginning of drill, and that I was drilling this weekend. But, I wasn’t.
You see, when I got to the reserve center, I went at it, verbally, with the unit administrator. She sat on my packet all this time, left it on her desk top and didn’t upload it. She told me to “get a grip”. Well, she apparently meant something else, not her neck. The other Soldiers restrained me and the next thing you know, I’m getting an all expense “shuttle” ride to the hoosegow.
This is where I spent the rest of my weekend, resulting in my getting 4 “Us” for the weekend.
But, there I was, with William Derek Church. That guy is sluggish, moves slow, with one exception. The guards threw a donut into our cell and boy could William Derek Church move! Snatched that donut out of the air, in midair, like a dog snatching a thrown stick.
He was halfway done with that donut by the time he landed.
After he scarfed that donut down, he told me why he was in. Apparently, he was running a glory hole operation at the local Dairy Queen parking lot. That’s how he got his money for ice creams there, or donuts elsewhere. When he told someone that he was going to “burry him” the last time he was busted here, he really meant burry that guy’s pecker in his mouth.
He stopped telling me his story when another donut got tossed into our cell. That guy has a donut radar in his head, you should have seen him “home in” on it, leap into the air, snatched it out of the air with his mouth, and had it almost completely eaten before landing.
William Derek Church is definitely a ranger, a donut ranger!
“Sat on my packet”…that’s a euphemism, right? 😄
Hey Derek Church Aka Round Ranger, you Santorum Stained Molting Muscrat!
It seems your intelligence to stay in the swamp is outranked by the size of your girth. How’s that Transdimensional Swamp Donkey of a wife doing? Still clinging by your side like a helpless whelp? I hear you can get a heavy discount on a Disney cruise ship if you dress up as the Michelin Man for the Michelin Tire European promotional tour. I hear that Spandex is on sale. You may have to sue him for the right to the better costume.
I’m sure your colon has grown a couple of feet after the emergency interwebsphincterectomy you got after your last go’round here, seeing as you are back again doing the same crap your were told to stop. But a little voice has told me that lots of great things are still to come… Guess you will just have to wait to find out…Better stock up on the candy corn…
Now, here you are again, you smegmatic, slimy piece of excrement. You failed to keep this in mind. Any person sufficiently intellectually advanced enough to not smear themselves in their own feces knows just exactly who and what you are, an excrement-stained Special Force of NOTHING.
You were never Special Forces of ANY Branch of Service. Hell, if I recall, you NEVER even made it out of Boot Camp! So that makes you nothing but a tortured turnip turd bobbing to the surface like a floater requiring a second flush, maybe even a jiggle of the handle a little bit to banish you to the deepest septic tanks of NC.
So with all that being said, I leave you with one last thing.
Go get some profession help for that fecally-confounded delusion that you suffer from of being a Graduated Troop from Boot Camp, you illiterate Swamp Donkey.
~~OVER~~ ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐
CLASSIC, I give that 15 points out of 10!!!
Thank you API 🙂
Santorum Stained Molting Muscrat
tortured turnip turd
I’m stealing these.
By all means Chip 😀
If William Derek Church can come back after a 3 1/2 years, we still have hope that someday that Elaine Ricci may return to the boardroom of our proud woman owned business.
I wonder how long it will take for Waffle House Willie, his missus and “Will Chamberlain” to drop by and defend Willie’s “honor”?
WIllie, do yourself a couple of favors; (1) drop the Stolen Valors/ Ballsack Warrior bullshit, and (2) drop at least 70 pounds…
Fucking ass hamsters!
LOL…Just saw this on the link Frankie Cee provided..
“Well, it appears Mr. and Mrs. Church are no longer together. She commented on a Facebook post that she’s a single mother needing work.”
Guess he must stolen the last Twinkie and HoHo once to often 👿
Oops my bad…should have read down further… Someone else posted “Nope they’re still together”.
Toasty publishing regrets the error… 😀
To do proper penance, come watch “紅の豚” (“Porco Rosso”) with me next month. Marco Pagot (the “Red Pig” of the title), though resembling Derek to some degree, is much more honorable.
Let’s be fair, my neighbor Round has lost some weight in his face. Look at the lovely wedding pictures and his mug in the latest picture. Ole, Round has slimmed down…in his face.
Hey Round, say hello next time you’re in Judy’s or Icey Freeze near the Loop. Please wear your Airborne Ranger Hat so I can ID you for sure and buy an ole fat vet a cup of Joe. I don’t wear any Army stuff or have it on my car even though I’ve been in combat with both the 82nd and 101st.
Airborne?, Ranger? This is the only way his big ass could be dropped in…
Hey Derek, if you don’t tell anyone about my wooden rocket, I won’t tell anyone about how you got those wooden splinters on your lips.
I’d suggest that William Derek Church not to tell anyone about my concrete dick and I won’t tattle about how he got chipped teeth.
Starting small and inching his way back into the spotlight after three and a half years.
I’m guessing he’ll show up again in full uniform. You remember the uniform, the one he claimed he “donated” to a thrift shop in his so called “apology.”
Then no sooner did he leave the store than a woman who closely resembled his wife came in and purchased the uniform right back.
So, yeah, him and Will Chamberlin will be resurfacing soon.
“Starting Small” Bwwahahahaha, you are funny, Claw. Derek Church don’t do “small”. He does everything like that big drink at Mickey Ds. “Supersize”.
Ha. Good catch, Frankie. I knew someone out there would see the subtlety behind my wise ass crack of starting small and inching.
With the Round Ranger’s re-emergence it’s only a matter of time until his lightweight (360 lbs) partner of Krispy Kreme Killing fame, Phlegmron Dickey shows up also.
Just wondering, did someone take these photos recently ( in public) or are they some old photos that were just recently discovered?
The one of him in a ball cap, and the Ranger shirt, from the side, are less than 1 month old.
I don’t think that you could jack up a uniform (costume) any more if you tried.
Dunno about that. IMO Church has his semi-squared away compared to this tool’s “uniform” jacket.
http://valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Holy-shit1.jpg
I love that his DD-214 says he was in the “Natural Guard”. Talk about a typo!
My favorite is that his chin looks like a set of balls.
I imagine it is an imprint of sorts…
William Derek Church, aka Round Ranger; long ago, myself and many others suggested that you should do a sincere apology, stop the posing, get rid of the bling, and start to redeem your name. You didn’t learn.
Long ago, myself and many others, suggested the same thing to Kyle Barwan aka “Stretched”, and he too was too damned dumb to absorb, process, and follow good suggestions. These days, thanks in part to my diligence, he is under the care, control and custody of the Florida Department of Corrections, having pleaded guilty to many felony charges, and I seriously doubt that he will even stop now. It seems that he, like you, is too lazy to make a good, respectful name for himself, content to be known as a lyin’ assed, phony, who would take the valor of better men than him, (or you), and call it his own. Derek, you, and those like you, are pitiful, sorry, excuses for MEN. How must it feel to look in the mirror at that ball cap that you didn’t earn, to look at that Ranger t-shirt that you could never qualify to wear, to think of all those that you have misled with your lies, including YOUR FAMILY, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR NEIGHBORS? You And Barwan are both pitiful pieces of dirt. I hope that most of those who comment on your sorry ass, use your name, to further widen your Goooooooooooogle fame.
If there was an actual Stolen Valour pony…..looks like he ate it.
Hey Derek Church, as Jonn stated, Welcome to the Thunderdome: