Stolen Valor Tournament unSweet Sixteen Day One
OK, here we go. You will be able to vote today, tomorrow and Thursday. On Friday I will have a special video from a sockpuppet announcing the Excremental Eight. Each day I will post it anew, although without all the bios. If you know everyone already, just keep scrolling to the bottom. Don’t forget to hit the submit button.
NORTH REGIONAL:
1) Tina “Lightfoot on a heavy horse” Kersten
Hero doesn’t even begin to describe Tina’s war story:
“Tina was just returning from the front lines of the “Desert Storm” assault on Kuwait when the Iraqi missile struck. She and her commanding officer, Captain Richard Walker, had just parked about 60 feet from the front door of the ill-fated building and exited the vehicle when they heard a whistling sound. The missile crashed into the roof and exploded, demolishing the building and knocking them both to the ground. To Tina’s horror, she saw that Captain Walker had been cut in two by flying shrapnel; he died in her arms. Tina herself had been wounded, but she rushed into the ruined building three times to help wounded survivors escape before she lost consciousness and was Medevaced away from the carnage.”
Alas, it was all shit. There was no Captain Richard Walker killed in the rocket attack. Contra her story, Lighthorse Henry Lee here was a food service specialist, which should partially explain her girth. As should surprise no one, this chick has a hella-long arrest record.
4) John “Attorney’s fees” Giduck
Everyone should know Giduck by now. He’s a special kinda stupid. I’m still pretty pissed that he never sued us, because this law degree ain’t paid a damn red cent so far, and I do love me some easy money. However, I do have to thank him for giving me one of my favorite court opinions of all time:
The statements by Defendant Warrington that Plaintiff Giduck was a liar, fraud, scammer and imposter because he misrepresented his credentials are not actionable. Opining that someone is a liar, a fraud or was untruthful about his or her background, is, perhaps unfortunately, a common implement in American discourse. …Defendant Niblett’s statement that Plaintiff Giduck is a “piece of shit” or, a “fool,” a “fraud,” a “poser civilian,” and a “clown” are patently Niblett’s opinion and are not actionable. If every statement along these lines formed the basis for a libel or slander case, the courts of this country would be entirely devoted to the litigation of defamation claims.
Also Giduck, you will never pull off Shipley hair, so you should give up and go with the Sinead O’Connor look.
6) Albert “Marine Special Forces Recon” Bustamente
Watch our buddy Jaie Avila bust this Grade A assclown:
As he said, he did catch some flak. Which is why he will no doubt next be seen filing a claim for service connection for shell fragments from the VA.
15) Romeo Martinez
As Jonn said at the time….It’s entirely possible that Romeo Martinez was a Marine at one time, but I doubt very much that he was ever a lieutenant of Marines. Another possibility is that he may have swallowed whole a lieutenant, or there’s a lieutenant buried in one of his chin folds.
There’s not much I can say about this guy. He kind of looks like the mentally challenged love child of Oliver Willis and a koala bear. But there’s nothing funny about that.
WEST REGIONAL:
1) Shane “High School to Panama” Ladner
As students enter their final year of high school, many focus on academics and getting good SATs. Not Shane Ladner, who was focused on his secret mission to Panama.
I was involved in a firefight in Panama City. My squad was on patrol and we were ambushed by Panamanian Defense Forces. We were under heavy fire and pinned down. I was engaging the enemy when I heard an explosion behind me. I felt an intense burning sensation on my back as well as excruciating pain in my abdomen…When I recovered from my wounds I served throughout Central and South America, Cuba and Africa.
That lie there would eventually result in his wife losing her leg when a train hit his float at a parade. Since his fake missions in Panama he’s also been to OIF and OEF, became a cop, got fired as a cop, got his lawyer to submit a faked DD214, and been featured on the news. This young lad has a hell of a fake career ahead of him. He could be one of the greats. He might be the stolen valor equivalent of Jim Plunkett.
5) Michael “Window PLF” Gerold
Gerold here is the only one of our candidates I’ve ever met. And within about 7 seconds I was considering hitting him with a chair. To my everlasting shame I didn’t. Probably because he had this chick with him, and she’s built like a proverbial latrine constructed with a block-shaped ceramic construction material. Alas, she also had the brain processing power of a nerf lawn dart. My favorite moment is when some folks cornered him to call him out on his ridiculous story and he did what anyone else would do when faced by a similar situation: he excused himself to use the restroom and jumped out the fahkin window. Dude did face a 15-6 investigation in regards to his violation of article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and lost. (Make sure to take note of the dude in the background checking out Gerald’s beard’s comely buttocks. That cracks me up.)
3) Todd Michael “Triple Stack Hack” Hamilton
Todd here was the President of the Shadow 6 Foundation. Some would assume that “Shadow” had some sort of special ops type feel to it, while the “6” would indicate that he was the commander. All that is true, if by “Shadow” you mean a network systems operator, and Specialists are now “6’s” in military parlance. Anyway, douchetool here hiked across Washington state with the tower of power on his shoulder (SF, Ranger and Airborne tabs) and then resorted to the lame “I did it to honor soldiers” excuse. Admittedly, he is sort of a dreamy bastard. He even had two women (one his wife) come on here and defend him. That’s what I am working towards myself, which is why my wife is in Krav Maga class right now, and then getting trained on giving insults from Jon Lovitz.
2) Danny Russell “Dr. Frasier” Crane
Say what you will about Danny Crane and his 62 days of Active Duty time, but the dude really knows how to doctor up a DD214. He’s the Forrest Gump of Shreveport, Louisiana. However, he’s also been sentenced to 7 1/2 years in jail since 2000 for things such as harassment, fraud, ID theft and more. The 7th layer of hell is reserved for the guy who made the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Spirals box look the same as real Mac and Cheese, and people who do this kind of shit:
His most heinous crime might be the fact that he “stole” the story of the Marine who stood guard outside the hospital room of the dying young cancer patient, Cody Green. Of course, he inserted himself into the story, though he pretends to be a soldier.
Douche.
SOUTH REGIONAL:
Marky is a little boy who suffers from a rare “disease called retro-peritoneal fibrosis which simply means there’s a fibrous coating of crud all over his organs. His prognosis is unknown, since the disease is so rare.” He loves the military, as can be seen from the pictures of him there. Well meaning soldiers and veterans have gone out of their way to treat him the way he deserves.
Enter Green Beret Colonel Kenneth Crocheron who showed up to befriend this valiant child. Only….well, I’ll let his mother say it:
Colonel, Uncle Kenneth Crocheron is a FAKE. This week it was finally confirmed and proven that our former beloved family friend, Ken, has been deceiving us for the 10 yrs we’ve known him…..deceived many many more innocent family members and friends and co-workers over the last 40+ yrs. He IS NOT a Green Beret, IS NOT a COLONEL, or any other army officer. IS NOT honorable in any way, regardless of the GOOD DEEDS he may have done for our family, it was all under the guise of rescuing us and trying to impress us with his clout.
Seriously, what kind of shitbag do you have to be to pull this off?
I know this is getting long for a bio, but listen to the anguish here:
He has deliberately insulted EVERY military serviceman that has ever sacrificed for our country….We are beyond hurt, beyond belief, beyond pain. No words can handle this.
Shocked and betrayed.
[Our prayers are with you Marky. I saw your last update was good, and we’ll be thinking of you.]
Looks like the Spec4 Mafia claimed a scalp on this one…
Meet “SFC” Coombs, he is most popular for making appearances at the Wal-Mart on Skibo and talking like a green beret from Hollywood.
Unfortunately for Mr. Coombs, he failed the questionnaire given by SPC Hunt. For all you posers out there: if a “leg” soldier asks you what the 4th week of airborne school is like, it would f*cking behoove you to inform him that there are only 3 weeks in Army Airborne School, not 4. Also, when he asks you what the hardest part of the 18 Delta Course is like (since a very good friend of mine is an SF medic), you might not want to say language. As my friend told me, language was the easiest part of the actual pipeline. Again, you fail.
Real SF guys prefer Targets to Walmart.
3) James Edward “Combat Action” Ferris
By now EVERYONE knows the story of Ferris. The leader of the Korean War Veterans Association and BFF’s with Joe Biden, Ferris decided to honor his brother by wearing his medals, but declined to tell anyone that’s what he was doing. It’s not bad enough that he was actually authorized to be in the KWVA by his actual record, it turned out that his brothers bio didn’t match the real world either.
Frank served in the Marines from January 1944 until May 1946 and he went back into service from 1957 until 1965 and spent his entire career as a cook, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s awful difficult to imagine that somehow he earned a Combat Action Ribbon that wasn’t somehow annotated on his records. So it looks like James Ferris not only lied in wearing medals he didn’t earn, he also lied to the reporter and the KWVA Board about his brother’s awards.
But, we made a new friend out of it! [/waves to Sam from the Corn]
2) Chelle Lynne “ATC/CNO/CAP” Anderson-Tesla
Chelle Lynne Anderson-Tesla is currently a major in the Civil Air Patrol in Virginia and assigned to HQ, VA Wing as Director of Aerospace Education. She got that job because she represented herself as combat-wounded Army Aviation Captain, and a UH-60 Blackhawk pilot. At one point she was claiming to be the CNO (Chief of Naval Operations). Well, either that or she couldn’t even spell NCO right. She claims that she earned a Purple Heart when her Blackhawk was shot down in Iraq and, of course, because of that incident she claims she suffers from TBI and PTS. Of course, she’s here on TAH, so you already know that none of that is true; as her records show, she’s never been to Iraq. She was a PFC Air Traffic Controller for about 13 months.
Germany, Iraq, same diff. You know the German motto: come for the schiese videos, stay for the small arms and RPG fire.
EAST REGIONAL:
1) Phillip Dale “Monkeyass” Monkress
Monkress is basically the worst Jedi in history:
Monkress: This isn’t the Native American you are looking for.
TAH: Dude, why are you waving your hand in front of my face? I wasn’t looking for a Native American, and the BIA says you are 3/128 Indian. My puggle has more Cherokee in him that you.
Monkress: I’m a Navy SEAL.
TAH: No you aren’t dumbass, we talked to Sith Lord Shipley and he says there’s no record of you.
Monkress: I never claimed to be a Navy SEAL.
TAH: Stop waving your hand like that, you look ridiculous. Also, Google yourself man, you’ve claimed it all over the damn place.
Monkress: I’ll sue you.
TAH: Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, and no one ever follows through. Besides, I sent my address to be served the suit to your lawyer, and she didn’t even respond.
Monkress: I’d stay and fight, but I have to get to Coruscant for an Imperial gathering.
TAH: Oh, you mean your latest DUI charge? Yeah bro, hope that doesn’t work out for you.
Monkress: Yes, but I have Paul “Psul” Wickre. (Google hit!)
4) John “2,200 Kills” Boudreau
Legend – [Wait for it] – dary. Dude was a sniper with Tomahawk missiles. Seriously, go read this, I will wait.
I think my favorite part of the story is where a sailor drinking beer knocks him off the aircraft carrier and he gets his heel chopped off by the propeller and they give him a purple heart. Sure man, shit like that happens all the time. Bitch probably swam to Laguna Beach from Saipan missing half a foot.
He’s a bad motha-shut your mouth!
Punk’s story:
While conducting combat operations, insurgents launched a complex attack against the squad Lewis was in. During the ambush multiple rocket-propelled grenades (RPG’s) struck the patrol, causing Lewis several injuries. The wounds included Traumatic Brain Injury, dislocated jaw, nerve damage in his right arm, lower and upper spine damage, and short term memory loss.
His platoonmates say:
On a patrol in Charkh District, Logar Province, Afghanistan in late August 2009 he claims he was back blasted by an RPG which caused spinal damage, PTSD, TBI and a bunch of other problems. However, there were at least 3 other Soldiers between him and the ANA firing the RPG, none of those Soldiers were injured and he himself said he was fine. He managed to get CASEVAC from Charkh all the way back to Bagram and then from there back to the states. Once in the states he continued to have different problems pop up (back injury, shoulder injury, nerve damage here or there, etc…) and finally was transferred to WTU.
I know a certain dude who may or may not be named VT Woody that engaged the enemy with an AT4 and almost got himself in the backblast. Big difference is VT Woody is a fucking badass, and Punk is a +4 handicap golfer with truth deficiency. I once saw VT Woody tee off on Bragg Blvd with his pants around his ankles [because he didn’t make it past the red markers], and his putter hanging out. That was about 2 holes before the SPs invited us to leave Pope AFB and we went to a strip club and paid $20 for our ”FUBIJANG” guidon to get a lap dance. (True story)
2) William “Balloon Head” Blake
If you think you’ve seen him before, it is likely because I think his head was a balloon in the Rose Bowl parade.
William Blake apparently took Grenada back from the Cubans all by himself even though he looks like Zippy the Pinhead in a steel pot. For future reference Bill, Grenada was the first battle in which the US troops wore kevlar head gear.
But if you look at Scotty’s page, he kind of gets distracted by the lady’s feet. I guess folks who pretend to be Marine veterans have some sort fetish that they can’t resist. But anyway, despite the way he talks the talk of a killer Marine, for some reason the NPRC can’t find a record of his service. It must all be classified.
MUSICAL INTERLUDE:
Vote my Pretties!!!!
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Category: Politics
Giduck’s got this one..just on sheer dirtbaggedness
[…] http://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=36542 […]
As they say in Chicago, “vote early, vote often”. My regional winners prediction: Giduck (by a hair; shovel video pushes him over the top), Ladner, Crotchrot, and sealmonkeyass…
MonkeyBoy for the win!!!!
So many idiots. So few votes to cast. Can’t I just for for everyone? Or vote twice? Or let Mikey vote?
Predictions next round
North; Gidduck Vs Bustamante
West; Ladner Vs Crane
South; Crocheron Vs Tesla
East; Monkress Vs Lewis
Fecal Four
Gidduck, Ladner, Crocheron, Monkress
winner…. toss up between Ladner and Monkress though I believe Gidduck is a bigger douche than the two of them.
As for VT Woody teeing off pantless on Bragg BLVD, that’d be Number 8 or 9 on the front of Stryker GC, or Number 10 on the back.
The toughest decision is Ferris Wheel v. Tesla Coil. I went with Spankerella simply because fat psycho chicks are cool now.
@6. I agree that Gidduck is the biggest douche, but Ladner and Monkress have made the biggest splash.
Damn. At least 12 of these are worthy Fecal Four candidates.
Tough tourney this year.
Monkey is not extraordinary. Twas Wikre that made the beast.
Ladner. Now there’s a royal douche. Talk about unforeseeable consequences of a bad act! Jeez.
Giddy, Giddy, Giddy up. This horses ass is still costing many REAL SOF active and vets big bucks for attorney fees, even after losing and being ordered to pay.
My most favourite time of the year!
Two Things:
1. I have NEVER seen more shit piled in one corner than I have seen here today!
2. Dropkick Murphys … HOOYAH …. OUTFU*KIN’STANDING!
My next round predictions
NORTH REGIONAL:
4) John “Attorney’s fees” Giduck
VS
6) Albert “Marine Special Forces Recon” Bustamente
WEST REGIONAL:
1) Shane “High School to Panama” Ladner
VS
2) Danny Russell “Dr. Frasier” Crane
SOUTH REGIONAL:
1) Kenneth “Ghoul” Crocheron
VS
3) James Edward “Combat Action” Ferris
EAST REGIONAL:
1) Phillip Dale “Monkeyass” Monkress
VS
3) Punk “Backblast” Lewis
I went with;
Giduck
Bustamente
Ladner
Hamilton
Crocheron
Ferris
Blake
Monkress
Personally I think the top three scumbags are Monkeyass, Crocheron and Crane. Last two used kids to further their bullshit and lies. Hope they burn in hell.
@16. The only place we deviate is Ferris. I went with Tesla for a couple of reasons.
1. Age – There’s a chance that Ferris could fall over dead before the event is over.
2. Sentiment – I have a soft spot for kinky, lying, psychotic women. I dated a stripper once (And that was one time too many) when I was single and Tesla generates a spark of nostalgia for me.
Man this is SO tough. I have such a soft spot for the phoney SEAL, but Bodreau is SUCH a douchebag with is “I carried 2 dead SEALS for miles” bullshit. I want to vote for both. Guess I gotta dig up a few bodies and vote like a Chicago politician.
Tough matchups across the board.
@ 18 …. I was eating lunch. Pasta salad with black olives.
Laughter induced “Projectile Pasta Discharge (PPD).”
Black olive now lodged in right nostrile … thanks!
Any suggestions?
I agree…this was pretty tough.
@21, I’m still waiting for Devtun to get me a new keyboard because of his comment in the “snugglebear” thread.
@21. Saline solution. LOTS of saline solution.
I see that my boy bergintheozzieseal was taken out by 2200killboudreau in the last regional bracket; but 2200killboudreau ain’t gonna last long against sealmonkeyass in this bracket; tis’ a pity…
@TSO:
Out of curiosity, what was the split on Punk vs. Freedom?
@ 21, MCPO pretend that you are a mathematician, and work it out with a pencil.
Man, these are some tough choices. I vote for the one in each pairing that has used stolen valor to enrich himself or damage the prestige of true heroes. Halloween heroes, while they are still asshats, are only playing dress up.
Roger in Republic: I have to ask – how did you sort out the Ladner/Gerold, Blake/Lewis, Kirsten/Giduck, or Ferris/Tesla-Anderson head-to-heads? Both in those match-ups seem to qualify under your criteria.
Yep. This just got really, really tough. Had to even throw out some of my own usual criteria.
The bottom line is that in spite of all else, causing serious physical and/or psychological damage to others beats out other considerations.
@21, With all due respect MCPO, after seeing your video I’d suggest a shovel.
I’m going for Tina despite Giduck’s efforts on behalf of my profession. It’s the story where she talks about fighting the “inner war” against her PTSBS. She makes me fight the “inner war” – with my lunch.
@29 I agree. Messing with a sick kid in a hospital with a phoney beret spells ass wipe like nothing else. Crotchrocket all the way!
@31.
I do not know.
Giduck in a good position against a very beatable opponent.
And do not forget Hamilton and Crane.
Tough to pick.
I’m bucking the trend here. I’m backing our two wookie-titted hose monsters (Kirsten and Tesla) in their respective brackets. Something about crazy bi-polar bitches makes me want to see them given their just desserts.
I’m done with Monkress too. Giving him the award would be nothing more than validating Paul K Wickre’s ass-hat behavior. Wickre needs to be awarded something on his own merit.
If you haven’t read each of the summaries on these nuggets, do. This shit is so funny, I can’t laugh. I just sit here, re-reading some of those lines and saying, “I can’t take it. I’m gonna rupture something if I start to laugh.”
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, ‘If TAH lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, this was TSO’s funniest hour.’
Needed it after posting a 102 on the course today. ooof.
I got the olive out it is no longer black!
The mathematichun idea was a good one!
Did it become a green olive?
Hamilton’s phony ass needs to advance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuZWkdg2aIQ
The Punk.
[…] If you didn’t vote on Day 1, go back and do so. (You have until noon) […]
Ladner has to take this, not only did he have the greatest cross the board coverage on SV, he cost his wife her leg with his lies! this douche bag got his wife hit by a train and lost her leg! how can anything top that? even gidduck’s law suits dont come close. Monkey ass has hung around and sent friends to entertain us, but he still doesnt come close to ladner
Just curious…has anyone seen the broadcast on News2 Atlanta by Jocelyn Dorsey? It was coverage of the City Club Fundraiser in Buckhead for the Ladners….video found P2P Ladner-Lovett..he says he is going to do everything he can to pay Lovett back. Wonder if Ladner has set that up yet? Can anyone out there help me post that to this blog site…I am seriously computer challenged! Thanks for your help!
[Removed by the guy who pays the bills]
[Removed by the guy who pays the bills]