VA’s computer system hacked; backlog cleared overnight
Veterans’ Affairs Administrator Eric Shinseki appeared before the House Veterans Affairs Committee this morning and in a somewhat disjointed statement announced that overnight someone had hacked into the VA’s computer system and processed the 800,000 claims that had been the single blackest mark on the Vietnam veteran’s stint leading that Agency. The NSA, investigating the hack, concluded that it was indeed millions of computers apparently originating in China.
“Well, ya know, if I had a billion people who I only had to pay 32 cents an hour, I could have done it, too,” remarked Shinseki, “But as it is, I have to keep these American people entertained with million dollar parties and conferences, and those skit-films we have to make take some time, too.”
The Chinese Embassy released a statement denying that they had taken part in the largest hacking incident in history. “The People’s Republic of China doesn’t participate in cyber espionage, and we have no interest in how the US government treats it’s veterans of their colonialist wars. But, if anyone did hack into the Veterans’ Affairs computer system, it was probably because they were tired of hearing Secretary Shinseki whining about how he didn’t have enough resources. And his weird accent probably irritated the Hell out of them, too.”
The Veterans Affairs Department announced that in celebration of the huge weight lifted from the agency’s shoulders, they’ll be furloughing 80% of their employees over the next few months. Said Secretary Shinseki, “Look it took us a decade to build up this backlog and now we have to start all over again and work overtime to build up another backlog in a much shorter timeframe. I said the claims would be cleared by 2015, so we don’t have much time to create another crisis to justify our jobs. Thanks a lot, China.”
Category: Satire
I have a very good friend who works as a county VA rep in CA. this is NOT connected to the VA, so they can get shit done. I was always under the impression that the VA hired all Vets…he told me they don’t— most of their folks are not Vets.
Well, here’s how I’d fix the VA…I’d fire every assclown that’s lost any paper work, or been a slug. then go out and find some high speed Vets who need a job, want to work and give a shit about their brothers and sisters.
You had me going there for just one short second, JL.
Please, just leave the satire to TDB.
One could only *wish*…
/had me going too
//I was looking for a Duffelblog or Onion link.
Heh, heh, heh. Good one, Jonn.
@4 – same here.
For Scott Funk, who posted a reply on FB; dude, I didn’t see any right-wing leaning anything in that “op-ed”. Maybe you have too much left-wing leaning bias to notice that not everything is about politics, left or right.
This is so Duffle Blog. Good work.
Nice slap down there, Old Trooper! LMAO!
Scott Funk: If only there were some way to avoid reading webpages that don’t interest you. Someone should invent something that would allow you to navigate away from This Ain’t Hell and go to something more to your liking. I’ll bet that would make a lot of money.
This is awesome, can’t wait to hear how the Chinese, err I mean the VA ruled on my claim…
Wow… Scott Funk has some sand in his vagoo…
And he was a Marine?
Who’s Scott Funk? What’d I miss? Someone that got moderated?
Well, it’s a slow news day. If you think that this is a “blatant right-wing leaning op-ed”, I guess you haven’t been around TAH long enough to realize that this blog is about veterans’ issues and when folks screw veterans they get flayed here regardless of their party. If sticking up for veterans is “right wing”, then, yeah, I’m guilty. And if you think that calling me “right wing” is going to make me change what I do with my blog, you’re so fucking mistaken. I suggest you spend thousands of dollars to start your own blog and stop reading this one.
Found him! Never mind…
@14
Bringin’ the pimp hand…. WITH BABY POWDER ON IT!!
BAM!!!
LOL!
@16 and Jonn,
I was thinking more like this for old Scotty Funkaroo
http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/luvena-prebiotic-vaginal-moisturizer/ID=prod6142858-product
@12 – Yeah, there are full-on retards in the Marine Corps, too. Scott Funque is just one of them.
The fix to the problem is so obvious. All Shinseki needs to do is issue the peeps at the VA a flashy new hat!
Maybe that’s why China hacked in to clear up this backlog Grimmy, so Shinseki would buy millions of berets from them AGAIN.
Good work Mr. Lilyea, I applaud your ingenuity. well played sir.