Michael Yon is a Richard Simmons level drama queen Part I

Yes, this will be multi-part, as he deserves a full recitation of just what a whiney little child he is. The other parts will deal with his dopey crusades, sloppy scholarship, petulant behavior, photographic skills (which other than the one picture, largely suck balls) and his vanity. (Just look at his Tom Cruise Top Gun picture he has on Facebook, and then look at more recent pictures of Chris Farley Michael Yon.)

I read Yon every day, usually around the same time I check out the rest of the lunatic fringe sites like Veterans Today and VoteVets. It provides levity for me, because there is nothing funnier than a drama queens rantings. But his latest beef with CJ is starting to piss me off, because others, like the redonkulously retarded jackass that runs the “Geert Wilders Sidebar”, are picking it up and running with it. Now, Yon will either ignore this totally (98% chance) or accuse me of being some sort of CJ lackey/acolyte. Well, I am neither, and in fact, I disagree quite regularly with CJ, not the least of which is over his stolen valor position which I find completely untenable. I *know* CJ, have met him a few times, and we occasionally have cordial emails, but I don’t have his phone number, haven’t stayed at his house, and if I ended up in prison, he wouldn’t be on my list of first 100 people to notify. In other words, I am cordial with him, but we aren’t engaging in public displays of affection a la the Marine a couple of weeks ago.

Nonetheless, I don’t think either CJ or Yon have any legally actionable argument against the either, and wish they would both grow up and just drop it. CJ, to his credit, has done just that. Yon, who is dependent on his crossbreed monkey/spider readers to donate to his (purportedly) nearly diminished checking account, has only tried to bring this thing up over and over and over. If I was CJ, I would probably take it as a badge of honor. My wrestling coach always told me to go after the big dogs and leave the little ones alone; you play up or down to the level of your competition. Because I have no true vested interest in blogging, since I am compensated by an employer, and not this blog (because you bastards never click anything) I can fight with this mental midget, and not worry too much about losing my edge. I neither have, nor particularly need, an edge.

Anyway, the basic thrust of the most recent kerfuffle is that Yon has taken a comment of CJ’s, and applied it to the KAF shooter, and is trying to make some sort of argument that CJ is the next to go rogue. Here are some of his statements:

This Soldier Publicly Ideated a Desire to Murder

He did this in 2011 from Kandahar Air Field where he was stationed. He actually published on the internet his desire to kill and the Army did nothing. I exposed this. Took much hatred for that. Later (January 2012) he turned himself into the psych people at Kandahar Air Field claiming stress.

Stress? He never leaves base.

Claimed his superiors were tough on him. This guy is wearing an American uniform and bringing disgrace to the Army. He got a bronze star with V for actions on March 23, 2003 in Iraq. Same day Jessica Lynch was ambushed and later was awarded a Bronze Star with V. That’s right. Grisham and Lynch (separate events) got their “Bronze Stars” for [sic] same day…Grisham’s persisent [sic] dishonesty and public hatred against everyone from gays to his leadership to journalists to civilians in general, are [sic] concerning. He shares traits with…bad guys.

Do you want your loved ones stationed with people like this who have automatic weapons?

– Yon, Facebook, 13MAR12 0538.

Related, I also complained that Master Sergeant C.J. Grisham at a different base (Kandahar Air Field, near this morning’s shootings) represented a lethal threat. My words were dismissed as drama. Now look…months after my warnings, Grisham went to the clinic at Kandahar Air Field with mental problems. This guy, and quite a few others need to be weeded from the force. Grisham publicly ideated killing me. He did it in writing. Army ignored it. Now we have breaking news of an American troop shooting Afghan civilians this morning.
– Yon, Facebook, 12MAR12 0425.

We’ll look at the “threat” aspect in a minute, but let’s note some other things here.

• Yon asserts that stress doesn’t happen except to folks outside the wire. That must come as a surprise to anyone inside the wire that gets shelled, also to those on Bagram the day I left there who were searching for 4 escaped PUCs. This is standard “Pogues have it easy” faire.

• Yon asserts, without any apparent evidence that CJs Bronze Star Medal with valor device is the equivalent of Jessica Lynch’s. He later refers to CJs “ persistent [sic] dishonesty” which implies he fraudulently obtained the medal, I guess through some guile or artifice. Yon is so inexact in his use of language, I honestly never have a clue what he is talking about.

• Yon asserts that CJ hates Gays, his leadership, journalists and civilians. OK, so since when has misanthropy been illegal? I love the gays, loathed my leadership, am a journalist, and married a civilian. What possible bearing does that have on this? I’m not conceding or fighting the allegation, I have no interest in knowing CJs position on buggary, sodomy, the lash, shutter speeds, command sergeant majors or the “Sandwich Artiste” that made my roast beef at Subway. It has no bearing on the “threat.” I hate Rap Music, doesn’t mean I want to kill the Insane Clown Posse.

• CJ shares traits with…bad guys. Oh, you mean like lacking a prehensile tail, standing upright, being mammalian, anthropoid? With the exception of Yon’s girth, I’d argue he also shares a lot of traits with the…bad guys. Jorge Posada has a nose, I do too, does that make me a New York Yankee? You see what I mean by inexact language? No one has a clue what he is talking about, but they just respond with “Stay safe Michael.” Yeah, Phuket can be a real bitch these days when you are hunting tigers from a boat.

• Seeking help for PTSD = Mental Problems = will kill someone = should be weeded from the force. This is the case the media makes constantly, but you would think Yon would know better. Obese = eating disorder = mental problem = will kill someone = should be weeded out from the media. You see how idiotic this calculus is? It’s like that commercial running constantly about how my future daughter will be a single mom swinging from a strippers pole if I don’t get Comcast or whatever it is. Clear hyperbole and an obvious rhetorical device to anyone with an IQ north of his heart rate, but Mike uses it as if it was his personal roadmap to stopping murder. Not to go with Tom Cruise again, but his mathematical equation is like Minority Report. “We can weed out crime by 2016, vote Michael Yon for county prosecutor!”

OK, so let’s look at the threat. Even by Yon’s own admission, what CJ said was:

I want to rip off his head and piss down his windpipe.

Mind you, Yon leaves out the context, which you should go see for yourself.

You ever stood next to PFC Snuffy in a bar and hear him say “I’d like to bang that girl silly”? Did you assume from that statement that PFC Snuffy was “ideating” an intent to forcibly rape the lady with such force and magnitude that it would render her in a giddy state with her mental faculties permanently diminished? Or did you assume he was engaging in standard hyperbolic imagery?

What if someone hit on his girlfriend and he said “I’d like to beat that guy into next week.” Would you assume in that case that PFC Snuffy was asserting that he was so adept at fighting and rigirous of constitution that he could do so for 7 days straight, or possibly with such astonishing force that it might create a tear in the time/space continuum, resulting in their sudden appearance in an alternate universe in which days had passed since the initial assault? Or did you assume he was engaging in standard hyperbolic imagery?

The law of threats is generally speaking set by the states, with California apparently being the one everyone else cites to. Because I am not a lawyer (soon, soon) I am just going to look at the CA law, because while the laws might differ a bit, I don’t have time to go through all 50 states, and none of them would look at CJs comment and see a threat. Let’s look at the Criminal Threat statute requirements:

California Penal Code 422 PC defines the crime of “criminal threats” (formerly known as terrorist threats).
A “criminal threat” is when you threaten to kill or physically harm someone and

1. that person is thereby placed in a state of reasonably sustained fear for his/her safety or for the safety of his/her immediate family,
2. the threat is specific and unequivocal and
3. you communicate the threat verbally, in writing, or via an electronically transmitted device

Let’s first assume that Yon has never seen Full Metal Jacket, which to any male over the age of 35 is clearly what CJ was referencing. (But, perhaps not having seen it is the reason that the color yellow has always made Jackwagon Yon sad.) Has Yon shown that he was in a “state of reasonably sustained fear for his/her safety”? If he was, they why the hell would he talk about it every 17 seconds? Wouldn’t a person worried about an assault report it immediately to law enforcement, and then SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT? I mean seriously. We have gotten a shit load of actual threats on TAH, and not a one of them would have amounted to much of a legal claim, because Jonn and I laugh every damn time. If I was scared, I wouldn’t keep going after the person, I would find someone else to goof on.

Was the threat specific and unequivocal? No, the threat wasn’t even communicated to Yon. It was on a private message board (apparently) that Yon wasn’t a member of. And it wasn’t a threat. A threat starts with “I will” not “I’d like to.” For instance, I’d like to replace Ocho Cinco with a WR that could catch the football. But, if I say “I will replace Ocho Cinco…” you have to assume I am either the coach, have naked pictures of Belichick with a wombat, or will go Tanya Harding on his kneecaps. You see the distinction there?

The “threat” was communicated electronically, but again, not even to the alleged inchoate victim.

It’s actually even more idiotic when you factor in that Yon repeatedly keeps talking about how the threat is real, and that CJ has access to a machine gun. Now, again remember the specific “threat”, that CJ would “rip out his windpipe and piss down his throat.” It doesn’t take Jaime Hyneman and Adam Savage savaging Buster with an automatic weapon to realize that you can’t rip out a windpipe using it as your implement of choice (I prefer the P38 for easier windpipe removal), and using one to piss is just a recipe for burning your weiner (do not ask how I know this.) This myth is busted.

This wasn’t a threat to kill Yon, it was obvious rhetorical relish depicting his intense anger with Yon for using the death of a fellow servicemember to get some cash. Simple as that. Calling it a “threat” only diminishes actual threats out there, just as phony youngest Green Berets Ever diminish the claim of the actual youngest Green Beret ever.

But, in case he reads this, I’ll tell you what Mike… I’ll be in Kandahar and then headed out into the country next month and you should come see me. You can even bring your coterie of bodyguards with fake military credentials if you feel threatened. (Like Mustafa the Great who has a bio that reads like the rest of our Stolen Valor award winners.) I’d be happy to tell you that you are a drama queen to your face if you’d prefer that. (Don’t post about me though, that would be a threat, and I am unltra sensitive to bright lights (as an Irisher) and threats from bloggers.)

Oh wait, shit, you aren’t allowed in theater anymore are you? Well, next time I am in Thailand I’ll give you a ring. You still living with Gary Glitter?

Category: Politics