Officers everywhere (please send officer jokes.)
Dude, I am literally surrounded by them. Somewhat inexplicably I was invited to attend the US Army’s TRADOC (Training and Doctrine Command) Senior Leaders Conference in Williamsburg Virginia. It’s like seeing a whole different world. Nicest damn resort I ever saw, and my clubs are 1000 miles away.
Anyway, just wanted to let y’all know I was out of contact, and if you guys could send me standard enlisted/NCO emails every now and again so I can retain my map reading skills etc, I would appreciate it.
Actually, just send some officer jokes so I can share them with the Generals (I have seen at least 5).
Category: Politics
An oldie, but always a goodie . . . .
Why can’t you ever give butter-bar lieutenants a 20 minute break?
Because then you’d have to re-train them!
That officer is SO dumb, he couldn’t even pour water out of his boot if you put the instructions on the heel.
(We always used to refer to the comics section of the newspaper, especially the Sunday paper, as the “officer’s section”).
Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week . . . .
Hmmm and here I thought TSO stood for Training Safety OFFICER
I ran out of officer jokes after teaching my first class of OCS students. I discovered they weren’t jokes but rather hard truths. Remember a 2 LT is merely a soldier deprived of basic training.
What’s the difference between a PFC and 2LT? A PFC’s at least been promoted once.
Q: What’s the 4th Infantry Division patch signify?
A: Four 2nd Lt’s all pointing North
Q: Why do West Point graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.
Two admirals are flying on an airplane from San Diego to Washington. Both are in civilian clothes, but they notice their Naval Academy rings. The first Admiral nods and the other and says, “Admiral, married, two sons, both Lieutenants.” The other Admiral smiles and says, “Ah, also an admiral, also married with two sons, both Lietennants.” Whereupon a loud belch is heard and a gruff voice comes from behind them, “Master Chief, never married. Two sons, both Admirals.”
Not a joke specifically, but I remember one particular night during Ramadan in (I want to say Nairkh? But I couldn’t spell worth a damn over there). Anyway, come evening time the ANA breaks their day of fasting with food around a campfire and they were being all sociable and inviting us to partake with them. Someone grabbed our terps and we started telling jokes amongst ourselves. All of a sudden, every “Officers can’t read maps and butterbars are helplessly useless” joke started coming out of the woodwork…from the Afghans.
Some things are universal.
Anyway, it was a great night marginally disrupted by later festivities…good times.
No, I changed my mind about retelling the story that Will told me when he was here. I do not think that this aint hell readers will be able to fully appreciate its sublime value.
I think that this is a story that would be much better appreciated by a foreign government.
I was considering attending OCS, but I found out I wasn’t qualified. My parents were not related to one another prior to marriage.
Sorry guys, you lose….Curt is the biggest joke here….
Maybe he could spell hahahahahaha for us again to show us how smart he is
How many West Point Plebes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it’s a 3rd year course.
Two Navy wives were at the perfume counter at the Post Exchange. The first was married to an ensign fresh out of the naval Academy. The second was married to a three-star Vice Admiral.
The young wife courteously asks the elder woman: “Do you think my husband would like this fragrance?”
Looking down her nose at the young woman, she snobbishly snaps, “Really, young lady. Even the Admiral knows that brand smells like a French whorehouse.”
“Really?” the younger wife siad. “I’ll have to defer to your husband’s superior judgment. After all, my husband wouldn’t know what a French whorehouse smells like.”
Read them the Creed of the Specialist and see how many of the jokes they understand. No one gets away with more than I. I am a non Non-Commissioned Officer, a beast of burden. As a junior enlisted soldier I realize that I am a member of an under appreciated and much chastised group of soldiers known as the ribcage, or perhaps pancreas of the Army. I am proud of myself and my fellow Specialists who continue to bitch, whine, and sham until the absolute last second regardless of the mission at hand. I will use my grade and position to avoid responsibility, accountability, and any sense of presence of mind. Ignorance is my watchword. My two best excuses will always be on the tip of my tongue: “I didn’t know!” and “It wasn’t me!” I will strive to maintain invisible and unavailable for details. Never ever volunteer for anything is my rallying cry. I am aware of my role as a SPC and if you need me for anything, I’ll be on appointment. I know the other soldiers, and I will always refer to them by their first name or in some cases a derogatory nickname. On weekends or days off I will consistently drink myself into oblivion and I will never answer my phone. I understand for a person in hierarchical position rewards are going to be few and far between, and punishment will always be swift and severe. Officers of my unit will have maximum time to accomplish their duties because I will be accomplishing them for them. I will kiss up to their faces and badmouth them behind their backs just like everyone else. I will be loyal to those with whom I serve, provided that there is something in it for me. I am the last bastion of common sense that stands as a wall between me and the Army philosophy of “Work harder, not smarter!” My voice is a tool and my complaints are a weapon that I wield with unmatched skill and finesse. I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrades… Read more »
Dave very few things have given me more pride than when I earned my SGT. The next day I realized that I was the “adult” in the room. Never again could I use my skills of shifting blame, not being found when a bs detail came up, being the sixth volunteer when only five were needed…
What is the difference between an O-1 and an E-1? An E-1 knows he doesn’t know shit.
OH Dave T,
That’s just TOO, TOO funny.
It was all I could do to stifle (I’m at work).
Thanks. I’d never seen / heard that before, but it rings too, too true.
Dave,
Thanks for that!! I lived the creed as long as I could get away with it! Then I made E-5 and hated SPC’s!!
CPT = 2LT (2nd Award)
and
The old NCO saw three 2LTs and observed, “You’re from OCS, ROTC and the Academy.” “Gee, how you know?” the 2LTs replied, realizing he was right. “Well, you’re squared away– OCS,” he told the OCS guy. “Your stuff’s not– ROTC,” he continued. “Well, how do you know I went to the Academy?” the West Pointer asked. “Well, sir, when you were picking your nose, I saw the ring,” the NCO said.
(It’s a sight gag.)
“Oh, look a dead bird!” the girl goes, looking at the ground.
“Where?” the 2LT looks UP and around.
I haven’t had to deal with a 2LT since 2004, so it will be culture shock when I get to my next duty station. There were the OCS guys around Infantry Hall during BNCOC, but I just ignored them. 🙂
I got lucky right out of basic. My plt. leader was a mustang. He was an E-5 before going to OCS. and was pretty squared away….he could actually read a map without having to turn it around all the time!
After 21 years in the military I am most fond of my days as a specialist. Specialist is the best rank in the Army, NCO with no responsibility. The Creed of the specialist rings true. I loved it.
What do you call the most ate up dirt bag in the military? “Sir”
A 2LT and a 1SG wrecked their cars into each other at an intersection on Ft. Bragg. The First Sergeant, noticing the LT’s nervousness, said “Here, Sir, take yourself a shot, it’ll help.”. The Lieutenant did so, and said “Thanks, Top, I needed that” as the 1SG put the flask away. He then asked “Hey Top, aren’t you going to take a drink? The First Sergeant replied “You bet, Sir, right after the MP’s leave!
My motor sergeant once told me.
What’s the difference between a private and a 2nd lieutenant?
The private KNOWS he’s stupid.