Where will I get Artichoke Hearts after the Apocalypse?

There are some emails that just live in infamy.  Perfect example of this was my friend Dud’s email from a while back (now lost to time unfortunately) wherein he discussed the notes he took at one of those Date-O-Rama things.  It went along the lines of

 Becky- Age 23, likes cats, looks like Kordell Stewart.

 

Jenny- Age 31, likes to camp, fish, hunt.  Kept trying to figure out where she had a knife hidden.  Hope she’s not into cannibalism.

 

Anyway, the more pertinent one is from a TV Star friend of mine, sent Feb 16, 2006:

 

I am now going to bestow some universal knowledge that may occur odd or strange but as they are teachings long before you and I have lived this lifetime, they are based in ancient wisdom and wizdum, and should not be taken for granted or taken lightly. So laugh and share but beware, for we are all going to die. This is my greatest prediction!

 

Phenomenal start I thought as I waded through this email that would change my life.

 

2012 is when the Mayan’s said the next earth shift would occur.  They proclaim in their teachings that it will happen on or around when the last tree in the great forest is cut down.  As the lumber industry continues to use Africa as its main source for wood (insert joke here), the last tree in the rain forest is going down in the next 5-7 years at the current pace.

 

Damn, no trees in Africa?  But what does this mean for me?  Well, the answer was written in typical Nostradamian fashion, and then Planet X made an appearance.

 

Lastly, the ice planet or Planet X orbits on an elliptical pattern like the infinity symbol or an 8 taking a nap.  On either end there is an energy source. On one end is a star that is 1000 years away from us and on our end is our buddy, the sun. The source of all life on earth (unless some of you anti-Darwin heads want to drum up your ‘holier than thou’ stuff and bring god into it.  Let’s just say for all parties, GOD MADE THE SUN AND GOD IS GOOD. THANK YOU GOD. I LOVE YOU.)  So the sun is the source of how planet X comes in and out of our solar system every 2000 years give or take 6-12, so sayith the Mayan, so sayith the flock. Am I right bruthas?

 

So planet X by astronomers calculations is moving toward our sun with a distance from it so great that I will not experience any significant melt but will give it enough inertia to send it back around the other side at a speed it is not currently moving at (i.e. it will be booking vs. truckin).  Once it comes around the other side, it will head out for it’s other energy source and pass us on the other side and with it’s new found energy and thrust, cause a disturbance to our axis, weather patterns, coastlines and water levels.  Am I saying it will be dogs and cats living together?  Maybe at Sid’s [Buddy of mine] house.  But there will be a massive polar shift on record and it will be one that the Mayan’s predict with great accuracy in regard to the other things they and Noistwahdongus have seen to be true for mankind.  

 

And thus began my fascination with the End Times.  Armageddon is coming folks, and I vowed to make it through as best I can.  Which is why I am studying to be a lawyer, because if there is one thing I know it is that cockroaches and lawyers are the only things that can live through this.  Because in a post-apocalyptic world, nothing will come in more handy than understanding what horizontal and vertical privity means with regards to real property.

 

So anyway, I have read all the books, seen all the movies, and sat glued to the TV.

 

[Begin aside. ]

 

Post apocalyptic books, top 5 answers on the board:

5) A Canticle for Liebowitz by Walter Miller.   (Nuclear War)  Monks in a post-apocalyptic world worship a mild-mannered mechanical engineer.

4) World War Z by Max Brooks.  (Zombies)  A reporter does an oral history of the recent Zombie Wars.  Written by the son of Mel Brooks, this book was shockingly good.  I hate Zombie stuff, but damn was it good.  Zombies less frightening that in I Am Legend, but phenomenal writing style and compelling story.

3) Dies the Fire by S.M. Stirling.  (Unknown, one day all electronics, explosives and steam engines stop working.)  I’m on book 2 of this series now.  The bad guy is in the Society for Creative Anachronism, which is the only thing which contains more weapons-grade Geekonium than World of Warcraft.  The good guy is a former Marine, otherwise this might be #1.

2) Earth Abides by George R. Stewart.  (Really bad epidemic pretty much wipes out the vast bulk of humanity.)  Awesome book, really close to being #1.  Felt bad for the main character who had a ton of great ideas and common sense, only to see everyone else in his community pretty much turn their back on preserving knowledge and turn into cavemen.  Of all the books, the message in this one was the best I thought.

1) Lucifer’s Hammer by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle.  (Pretty much the movies Armageddon and Deep Impact, only without Astronauts saving us.)  Must read this one.  Good shi’ite.  Just go out and read it.

 

[End Aside.]

 

And just like everyone knows if they could go back in time they would be the king and not the piss pot boy, so do I know that yeah though you guys may be screwed, I am good to hook.  And man-o-man-o-shevitz have I been doing my homework.  I watched the National Geographic show Aftermath: Population Zero.  Apparently wolves may be a problem at some point, so it goes.  Then I watched Life After People on the History Channel, which is why I need to learn how to make boats so I can go check out the new breed of super animals around Prypiat in the Ukraine.  I also got the book The World Without Us by Alan Weisman on Audio CD that I listen to at work while waiting for the Asteroid/Zombie/Disease/Nuclear War/unknown entity hurtling us back in technological time.

 

Now, obviously the premise of those TV series and book is wrong, since I know I’m going to make it.  However, it has given me a good starting point.  Plus, like Claymore, I watched Red Dawn a lot as a kid, so I have the whole “need guns and ammo and a good horse” thing down pat.  So, just to plan it out, I figure come D-Day I am heading out to Winchester VA, to Brown Neck Gaitor’s house.  Dude shoots straight, so do his wife and daughter, and they could arm most militias just on their own.  I figure I will take my motorcycle, after I kidnap the dude down the street and make him fix the sonofabitch so it’ll run.  Once I get to BNG’s, and get an adequate supply of crap I need, I figure I will head on down to Dallas to get my gal, since it’ll be our responsibility to repopulate the planet.  Probably pick up Claymore and his brood enroute.

 

After that, I am amenable to meeting you few survivors somewhere.  Since by the time we weather the storm, kill off the zombies, Mad Max up our vehicles and reestablish our dominance it will be a while, why don’t we just plan on meeting up in Bronson Missouri where all the old vets go?  I’ll bring the artichoke hearts which I will get at Giant Food, because who gives a shit about Artichoke Hearts at the end of the world?

Category: Politics