Is Fake Food Stolen Valor?

| September 24, 2020

An article recently published on FeedStuffs outlined the current trend of fake food and posed the question – is it the same as Stolen Valor?

Is it stolen valor? Or merely ‘borrowed?’
Some peddlers of the stuff use semi-clever ruses to play with the public

Some peddlers of the stuff use semi-clever ruses to play with the public. Calling it chik’n or turk’y makes it foul, not fowl. A veggie burger is nothing more than a load of smashed beans, not a real beef patty. And saus’age? If that term doesn’t insult your intelligence, you have none.

Suddenly, over my second cup of morning coffee, the phrase “stolen valor” entered my conscious mind. Understand, I’m not claiming that it is quite the same moral crime as hijacking the reputation of someone who has been valorous in service to our country. Risking life and limb in battle is far more honorable, but the concept?  Yeah, it still works.

The article went on to list all of the current foods that you run into that are “substitutes” should you not already be aware. Among them:

1. Amy’s 2. Beyond Meat  3. Boca 4. Field Roast 5. Gardein 6. Impossible Foods 7. Lightlife Foods 8. MorningStar Farms 9. Quorn 10. Simply Balanced 11. Sweet Earth Natural Foods 12. Tofurky 13. Trader Joe’s 14. Tyson Raised and Rooted 15. Upton’s 16. Yves Veggie Cuisine

I’ve tried a few of these, some knowing they were fake and some I did not.  Beyond Meat is not that bad – it has an acceptable texture and flavor but I don’t like paying $10 a pound for a novelty, although I’d recommend it once to try.  Quorn was simply a nasty hockey puck tasting thing. I thought it was regular meat but was taken in by the packaging.  Imagine my surprise at first bite!

A “Field Roast” sounds like something that bored Marines or soldiers would make from repurposed MRE’s.  “Raised and Rooted” also sounds like it has military origins.

I can’t talk about all of this on a Thursday without offering up my own recipe, so I give you “Bachelor’s Salad.”

BACHELOR SALAD

  • Take one head of lettuce.
  • Lop it in half with a large kitchen knife
  • Apply tomato slices and your favorite salad dressing on the flat side
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Eat over sink

There you have it.  No mess, no utensils, no cleanup other than washing fragments down the sink — bachelor salad.

So, look out for techniques copied from the fake food industry.  We may soon be seeing Rang’rs and SE’Ls talking about their exploits.

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Comments (19)

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  1. thebesig says:

    Stolen culinary?

  2. Roh-Dog says:

    I have my own bachelor salad recipe:
    —take the head of lettuce, throw it in the compost pile. (How the f**k did it get in here in the first place?)
    —open the 10th domestic light beer of the morning
    —eat dogs straight from the package(they’re already cooked!)
    —dipping them in the ranch dressing bottle (or use the nacho cheese dip if sore from the gym)
    —notice hotdog juice on your tee shirt
    —use said tee to ‘clean up’ the kitchen (at this point, the dirty dishes don’t real eat much real estate that needs to be cleaned)
    —watch Red Dawn for the 3rd time this month, fall asleep while watching it for a quick 5 hour nap

    • Roh-Dog says:

      Damn auto correct!
      ^don’t leave much real estate

    • Roh-Dog says:

      Or my favorite, Travelers stew:
      Have you been day drinking cheap bourbon all day and now your back up to your back up hook up texted back and your too drunk to drive? Not a problem!
      —take your gym protein wand blender
      —open a large can of Dinty Moore beef stew
      —use the wand blender to mix in 10 ripped fuel gas station knock offs (with ephedra, because Hamed has the good stuff)
      —pour a bourbon side car shot, attach to can
      —Head to your 2006 350z that’s missing the front bumper, start the vehicle, enjoy the Godsmack at full volume
      —grab a Wendy’s straw from the floor board
      Enjoy!

      The rest is self explanatory.

      • The Stranger says:

        Wow! I thought I was a degenerate back in my day, but damn…you win going away!

        That’s not a good thing, by the way. Fortunately , in my misspent youth, my hookups came to ME.

        BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  3. Ex-PH2 says:

    I’m looking forward to the day when some widget who refuses to eat animal flesh (beef, chicken, fish, pig, etc.) shows up at my campfire looking for food because s/he/it can’t find soy-based products any more, because the grocer stores are closed.

    I’ll throw that starving moron a wad of shredded wheat tell him/her/it to go away and find some stale candy to eat.

    Seriously, humans are omnivores. That’s been proofed out long ago. There’s always an excuse for being stupid, just don’t bring it into my yard.

    • Roh-Dog says:

      The vitamins, minerals, amino acids and proteins a human needs to live that are in sufficient quantities and efficient quality are only found in meat.
      You wanna fight about it, Soybois?
      Steak FTW!

  4. Green Thumb says:

    The All-Points Logistics Cafeteria Friday Special:

    A Phildoburger and a side of lies.

  5. SFC D says:

    If being vegan/vegetarian is so awesome, why do you have to disguise your vegetables as meat? Just eat the damn veggies and shuttup. If the good Lord didn’t want me to eat meat, he wouldn’t have given me incisors.

  6. 5th/77th FA says:

    Use a good quality of cooking oil in the preparation of your kale and or a tofu wanna be burger. Makes it easier to scrap that crap into the trashcan. On the 8th day, God created bacon. What part of the turkey does turkey bacon come from?

    If the Good Lord had not of meant for His Human Children to eat His Creatures, He would not have put them on this Earth for us to enjoy.

    If I wanted meat of mysterious origins, I woulda stocked up on C-Rats and MREs. If it looks like a hamburger, smells like a hamburger, and taste like a hamburger, then it better be a hamburger.

    • A Proud Infidel®™ says:

      I was once fooling around with a vegan chick who thought she could convert me. MY firs experiment was tofu fried in bacon grease AFTER I fried up said bacon for a bacon/tofu sandwich, she dumped me that day!

  7. Quartermaster says:

    Fake meat is far, far worse than stolen valor. Selling that stuff should be a capital crime.

  8. Keepin' It Real says:

    There’s room for all of God’s creatures…

    … right next to the peas and mashed potatoes.

  9. AW1Ed says:

    Veg is what food eats.

  10. ninja says:

    “Berkeley Is The First City In The US To Ban Junk Food In Checkout Lanes”

    “Berkeley, CA, To Be The First City In The Nation To Ban Unhealthy Items From Checkout Lanes”

    https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/berkeley-ca-first-in-u-s-to-ban-junk-food-in-checkout-lanes

    “Berkeley is gearing up to become the first city in the nation to ban junk food from the checkout line in grocery stores.”

    “In a unanimous vote Tuesday night, the Berkeley City Council passed the “healthy checkout” ordinance.”

    “Come March 2021, when the measure is set to take effect, large grocery stores in the California city will be prohibited from selling food and beverages deemed unhealthy in a 3-foot radius from the checkout.”

    “It’s not really a ban, it’s a nudge,” co-sponsor of the ordinance Councilmember Kate Harrison told FOX Business. “What we have discovered is that this law enforces good behavioral economics and facilitates better choices.”

    “The ban will eliminate items that contain more than 5 grams of added sugars or over 250 milligrams of sodium per serving. Items like chips, candy bars, sodas or other processed foods will be replaced with healthier alternatives, like pita chips, hummus, health bars and milk.”

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Well, if they don’t want you to have that in the checkout lane, then why is it in the store in the first place?????

      The lack of logic is serious here.

      Those people are decidedly obsessive compulsive. They need therapy and some really, really strong drugs to help them settle down and quit bothering their neighbors.

      And they’d better NOT move into my AO, period.

  11. NHSparky says:

    Dear Vegans,

    My food shits on your food.

  12. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    JUST LOOK AT THE untold millions of innocent plants ruthlessly slaughtered to feed the World’s vegans and IMHO MY WAY is FAR more sensible. First, you obtain grasses and grains. Next, you feed them to a Cow, Sheep, Hog, Chicken or Turkey and once they’re full grown, *VOILA*, you’ve turned vegetable matter into REAL MEAT!
    FOLLOW ME for more Miracle Recipes®™ like this!!!!
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