Letters from Bernath, homophobe edition
Always nice to hear from a friend:
Counselor:
As a further sign that I wish to meet and confer to resolve all differences short of litigation; I know that being an open homosexual is now considered to be a great thing, with open homosexuals serving in the US Army and Navy. So, your “coming out” really can’t be considered a bad thing, right?I also want to tell you how “brave” you are for coming out and I am sure that all your colleagues (esp. the lesbians Valkarie and Ex PH2) will stand with you firmly, like a ramrod crossing shit river.
Daniel A. Bernath
Attorney at Law
I totally get why he thinks I am gay. I dress superfluously and flamboyantly. In fact, Joan Rivers once said that I do more for her in my Patriots hoodie than any other man has done for her since 1927. I get it. Look, I am a sexy man, there is no escaping that fact. When Bernath sees pictures of me, I don’t doubt he feels a stirring in his loins. I’m his Tom Brady.
The problem is, I am happily married. To a woman. So I just don’t see it working out between Dan and I. However, I really hope he does find the courage to come out himself. As he says, I have NO PROBLEM with gays at all. Heck, I even saw a gay midget dancing to Copa Cabana a few weeks ago, and it was one of the highlights of my life. Any of you on my Facebook know that to be true. It was a thing of sublime beauty.
But Dan is trying so hard to fight off the gay. Like Jacob wresting the Angel, poor Dan is being held down by his homosexual latencies. Which got me thinking, would Dan actually make a good gay?
I report, you decide:
Push play for the music as you peruse Dannie-Boi’s pictures.
Dan could live his dream of being bathed by men.
Or be a unicorn.
He and Richard Simmons could hawk Obamacare together.
He could finally start dating Johnny Weir.
He could march in the Phony CPO Pride Parade.
Heck, he could even create his own video game.
You’ll never convince anyone that you aren’t, as Ace of Spades would artfully state it, “a pack a day smoker of the cock.” So you might as well set yourself free Dan. You’ll feel better about yourself.
Now with new Poll Goodness:
Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey , the world’s leading questionnaire tool.
Category: "Teh Stoopid", "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves", Bernath, Blue Falcons
Damn, I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that. I’d be cleaning the keyboard, monitor, desk, walls, etc . . ., for hours!
I think I may have spewed enough for the both of us!!! OMG!
Looks like we have a shooting War going on. Measured and appropriate response.
TSO, I can honestly say…..you’ve ruined me for all other men….
I wonder if GLADD would think danny-boi was a open adn fair minded so-called attorney.
Gotta agree with you on those Patriots hoodies.
Ever since I’ve started wearing one, I’ve become a chick magnet. 🙂
Bernath ought to just move down to San Francisco. He’d fit right in, and likely be able to drum up plenty of business…….
AW1 Tim: I wouldn’t recommend trying that Patriot hoodie too often outside New England. You might become a magnet for something else instead. (smile)
Hell yeah! At least he’s still licensed in California. For the time being, anyway.
I proudly wear my Pats hoodies, the old worn out one and the new one, every chance I get here in the Communist Confederation of California….
…and it is a chick magnet, regardless of where you are!!
Remind me never to cross you guys….I have several coworkers laughing their asses off at our shop right now…
Just for our special “buddy” Bernath:
[ED NOTE: May be Not Safe For Work. Zero chance I am watching it either way. I may be gay friendly, but not that friendly.]
Folks – use care here. I think that’s the version of the video that’s also NSFW.
I looked it up once (when doing the bit about “Gimme Yer Worst” music songs/videos some time ago, I think). It seems there are two versions of the “Relax” video – with the first being NSFW if I recall correctly (only saw it once, but that was enough for me to realize once was once too often). Also if I recall correctly MTV and other US cable stations would NOT play this one, which led to the creation of the second, safe for work and TV version.
Also, folks – please remember to post a NSFW warning on any comment that might link to something that is/might be NSFW. We don’t want to get any regular TAH readers in trouble if they’re browsing the site on a break from work and hit such an unmarked link while their boss is nearby.
Sorry about that. I grabbed the first one from my playlist.
I’ll do better in the future. I promise!
Hands down, the most pathetic excuse for an attorney ever. Even more worthless than the attorney that my Biker friends had on the string in Louisiana, who we felt was only good for his blank sheets of letterhead typing paper, (so I could use them to type our needs upon). Hell, he is even more worthless than that shyster that hangs out at “Under The Hood” cafe.
And yes, with his continually accusing us of “unnatural sex acts” is probably a closet gay or has a beastiality interest. Just more affirmation that he is truly a:
MEGA CLASS PATHETIC LOSER
Aw-w-w-w, sh!#$tt!
I was NOT prepared for that! No wonder I get peculiar looks when I go to my favorite restaurant and sit at the counter, and then start giggling for no reason.
I had no idea you were a lesbian! I love lesbians! Lesbians are awesome! Are all lesbians like you? 😉
I don’t know. It’s the first time I’ve ever been a lesbian.
I don’t know the rules about it, and all that stuff.
Can I still wear eyeshadow and blusher?
And Lipstick 😉
So, let’s say one of these matters goes to litigation. There aren’t any gay judges, right? There aren’t any gay jurors, right? Or is he going to try to parse it out to pretend it was truly a congratulatory message? That might work if Helen Keller is the judge but, even then, I strongly doubt it.
Helen Keller was blind and deaf, but she could still smell bullshit.
Is there a Guinness World Record for idiocy? If there is, I’m sure that Daniel A. Bernath THE FAKE CPO could be a top contender, he’d at least make the top five of the world’s biggest idiots!!
Shortly after Bernath wrote that email, there was a knock at the door, his bush quivered, and he was reduced to rocking back and forth in the corner, slobbering on himself and evacuating his bladder. What a shame Daddy never took him to a baseball game.
If I ever had to go up against Bernath, I am quite confident that he will crack my Top 3 Worst Lawyers Ever.
To date, my list includes a military officer who told the judge that the statute was merely just a guideline that didn’t need to be followed; a guy who cried and called me a racist for not dismissing charges against his client for hit & run after the lawyer showed up to the arraignment four hours late, had an obvious drug problem, broke the ethical rules by taking a criminal case on a contingent fee basis, and made a phone call outside literally crying about how he didn’t know how he was going to pay the man back because the prosecutor wouldn’t drop the charges and now he won’t get paid; and finally on my list, is James Branum, who did so many unethical, bad lawyering that it would take much too long to recite.
From my experience, Bernath falls nicely into this crowd.
The question is if Bernath is 100 % Gay ? Or just an “Hon” peter puffer ?
He’s not 100% gay.
(It’s appears from his letters and correspondence, BUT I could be WRONG, what do I know, it’s just my OPINION, not a fact at all, nope.)
He’s might or may but, *may not at all*, or probably not, but it’s entirely possible he never is or is not at all, 110% Gay. He’s NOT, CLOP CLOP My Little Pony Gay. He’s Not at ALL, “I’m gonna take one for the team”, Catching not Pitching Gay…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p6LVZFLSfw
Nope, Nevermind. I was completely WRONG. Not gay whatsoever
I heard he is not gay, but will take just the tip.
You guys are confusing me, you know.
If he’s only partly gay, does that mean he gets days off?
I didn’t know I was a lesbian until now, so can someone please explain the rules to me?
Is there a membership fee?
Don’t worry sweets, I paid the membership fees for you. Hah!
Ex-PH2, now that you’re a lesbian, just think of the money you’ll save on clothing, all you need now is flannel shirts, blue jeans, and steel toe boots!
Good morning Daniel-san,
I wanted to check in with you this morn….
Hang on there’s that knock at the door again.
Bush! and Wind! How are you guys doing today? What do you think of todays post? Great isn’t it?
Yes Wind, it’s probably safe to say that Dan blows more than you do ifyaknowwhatimean?
What’s this about a little birdy you had perched on you Bush? Ya don’t say! Good on that little birdy for tweeting something to the FAA about Daniel-san. Yes yes, it was worrysome when he reported his health on his own website. Oh you hadn’t heard yet Wind? Well Daniel-san said “my near suicidal mental condition because of my Navy injuries.”
The little birdy didn’t think the FAA looks too kindly at pilots with suicidal ideations what with 9/11 and such.
Hang on Bush and Wind, there’s someone else at the door now.
Look guys, it’s Squirrel! What do you think of all this? I think you’re right. Daniel-san probably does love nuts more than you IFYAKNOWWHATIMEAN! What’s your request Squirrel? Ok, I’ll ask the folks at TAH about it, but I can’t make any promises. I’m typing it now for them: Dear TAH folks, Squirrel asks that you not compare his shit to Daniel-san. His shit deserves more respect than that. There, I asked them. Go say hi to Bush and Wind.
Dammit NOW who’s at the door?
Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s the Village People AND the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture show. You’re here about Daniel-san too right? Sure thing I’ll pass along your invitation. I’m sure he’d like to show you that airplane control he has called a Dutch Rudder IFYAKNOW…oh, you do know. Allllrighty then!
Ok guys, thanks for stopping by. I have to get to work. It was nice seeing you all.
Well done Chief!! LMAO. S-L-O-W C-L-A-P
Picks up the slow clap.
DAMN, you’re good! ROFLMAO!!
BRAVO ZULU Chief.
Having a great amount of curiosity I am constantly googling stuff, and so I just had to google “dutch rudder”. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for adding something to my store of knowledge that will stay with me forever.
And I mean that sincerely.
Truly.
Honest Injun.
On one of the other threads on our favorite lawyer I had questioned how he was able to use the rudder on his plane if he has such big problems with his legs. It was suggested that he probably uses a device called a Dutch Rudder. Now, there actually seems to be such an implement for an aircraft. You have to set the filters on Google to STRICT before you attempt the search though.
Holy F’&K! I never knew this video existed. I have heard this song off and on throughout the years, but started getting suspicious about it. Well now….. no more questions about that! Frankie goes to Bernoik’s House.
I. AM. STUPEFIED. I can no longer think clearly having seen the photos of Daniel A. Bernath in all his glory. TSO, solid hit my man, solid hit. All batteries train on those coordinates.
Seriously I need some advice here, do I use a turkey baster full of bleach in my ear to clean my brain now? Is that the preferred method?
Sparks, try the teakettle and the drip grind on the coffee maker. That should make things happen for you.
Thanks Ex 😀
One of the best TSO posts to date.
D’OH…didn’t embed
ROTFLMAO ChipNASA you’re killin’ me this morning! Love it. You nailed it.
“He left cheeto dust in my maine” LMAO
I agree with Sparks, you nailed it! Again!
CHEESY DUST in her mane? Hmmmm, an animated DC with hair?
OMG I can’t breathe! That was a very disturbing video…..
Laughing my ass off with a picture of Daniel A. Bernath as the “Dirty ol’ Man” in that one.
Well done!
had a guy I worked with say one time, ” I know I’m not gay, I sucked a dick one, I didn’t like it.” we just stared at him for a second, then started laughing our asses off!
Worked with a YN2 for a couple of years… crazy as a loon. Would come up to me and tell me, “Senior, I was gay once, but I didn’t like it”. Then he’d go walking away rubbing his butt cheek and yelling “OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!”
BTW, Danny-boi…. if they put the tip in, it doesn’t mean your gay….
I remember one guy I worked with when I was a Contractor, he’d say “I USED TO be gay, but now I’m only happy!”. Yeah, he was nuttier than squirrel shit as well!
Worked with a crazy Brit once. He would whisper “You know there is a queer working in this group?”. When you asked “Who” He would say “Give us a kiss and I’ll tell you”. He used that joke on every new guy to walk thru the door.
Chris…that’s one of those moments in life when you think…”did you REALLY just say that”! Then you think…”why in the hell would you tell anyone and yes, we all think you’re queer now”!
Hey everyone, make sure you go back up to the top of the comments column…. just above it there is a new poll. To whoever is doing the photoshop work, you have done an awesome job. I wouldn’t be surprised if Fake CPO Bernath tries to hire you away from TAH.
WHAR SURVEY RESULTS? WHAR?!?!?!?
You need to toss up a copy of his “satire squirrel” image just so he knows that it is all just a joke.
You mean TSO doesn’t look good in a Pats Hoodie? //crushed
Why is this listed in the politics section?
Fixed it Twist. Bernath will have his own tag from here out.
I have fallen and I can’t get up… seriously on the floor laughing my ass off!!
When Bernath sees pictures of me, I don’t doubt he feels a stirring in his loins.
Apparently you are the only white man that ever made Bernath moist (Klumps reference for those that don’t know-http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-FjyO7b2JhbbJn/the_nutty_professor_1996_the_klumps_part_2/)
Well done my boys … well done!
Simply awesome.
I’ve been gay for the last 30 years. I can assure you Dan couldn’t get man tail without ether and a rag.
We figured as much; however, confirmation of our suspicions is much appreciated. (smile)
This is without a doubt the best comedy site on the internet! You GO, Gay Dude!
Well Gay Dude
Not that I want to argue with you as I have no experience in that arena, but isn’t a simple observation of anatomy…
It is a proven fact that Danial A. Bernath Takes It Up The Ass….to wit (as to 😀 )
“Bernath v. Yelp, attorneys fees granted to Yelp:
Notice is hereby given that Yelp, Inc. claims a lien on the judgment proceeds, if any, to be paid in favor of Daniel A. Bernath in this matter. The lien is the unpaid balance of a judgment entered in favor of Yelp, Inc. in Bernath v Yelp, Inc., Multnomah County Circuit Court Case no. 1305-06167 in the amount of $21,407.50 plus post-judgment interest from December 26, 2014. A certified copy of that judgment is attached hereto and by this reference incorporated herein. The judgment includes the addresses of the judgment creditor and the judgment debtor. The judgment debt remains fully unpaid.”
“Catching Not Pitching”
Damn….no “bold” after the word “Dude”……
Gay Dude…Uhm glad for your input. “couldn’t get man tail without ether and a rag.” LMAO at that. It is priceless. May I borrow it?
Speaking of “ether and a rag”, Cheeseslayer woke up in a hotel this morning and has no idea where he is. Coincidence?
What?
What were you in 1984 and before?
Just curious!
You RULE!!!
…refills popcorn…
Anyone got some Cheezy Poofs?
…sips Coke…
..kicks feet up on table…
Mr Wolf: shouldn’t that be “cheesy poofter”? (smile)
Bernath is just jealous because even in the PI, he couldn’t get laid. Not even with a fistful of pesos and a green card.
Yo, Danny-boi? You know how to tell if your fellow “honorary” CPO is gay? His dick tastes like shit!
Yeah, I’m thinking Dandy Danny-boi is doing just a wee bit of projection on the whole ghey thing. Uh, Danny-boi? Add this one to your playlist while you’re at it:
Perhaps he’d like this one better, NHSparky:
or maybe this one
Hondo … you are a THIEF!
That is one of my ALL TIME FAVS!
Dude that one is my second ALL TIME FAV of all time … you ghey thief!
Sorry, MCPO. I just thought Danni-boi would enjoy those, so I posted them for his benefit. (smile)
Hey, Bernath! If you woke up one morning in the woods, and your hands were tied behind your back and your asshole was smeared with Vaseline, would you tell anyone?
No? Wanna go camping next weekend?
Danni-boi’s favorite book reviewers…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmL5s3k9o9U?feature=player_detailpage&w=640&h=360%5D
And this is where he gets info on booking “vacations”
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dOMn83jRA0?feature=player_detailpage&w=640&h=360%5D
Hey, everyone! I just hacked into Danny-boi’s TIVO and found out what he’s watching:
Now I know where Dan has been working. Life handed him lemons. But Danny-boi took the advice of Ron White, grabbed some vodka, and made a PARTY of it.
That was it…LEMON PARTY!
Whatever you do, do not Google lemon party.
Twist, it can’t be as bad as Dan’s full time job as felcher can it?
I googled it once. I will NEVER make the same mistake again. EVER!
Oh, man, I had to speed through those pictures so I didn’t get any dirty looks. You guys are gonna get me in trouble one of these days…
I think he sorta forgets that you can’t say “I didn’t say that!” on the internet. What a nincompoop. I could do his job, easy, and I’ve never been to law school. Why is that, you ask? Because I’m pretty sure anyone can sit at a desk and type threatening emails to people…
I imagine Phildo has locked his door and is breathing heavily as he follows this site.
Also, the survey is not accurate.
Phil Monress is the Native American.
Just pointing out the obvious.
That should be Commander Phil Monkress at All-Points Logistics.
My apologies.
Awesome sauce! You win the internet!
I look at that queen Bernath and think to myself, “Dude, man up, you’re making us look bad.”
Amen Brother. I’ve blown dudes before, but even I’m not as gay as Bernath.
The late Klaus Nomi, Liberace, and Rock Hudson could not be reached for comment.
Rock Hudson was buried upside down so Bernath could stop by and have a cold one.
I heard that Rock Hudson actually died from food poisoning, he ate a raw weenie.
It’s only a rumor, but I heard that Daniel A. Bernath THE FAKE CPO’s Doctor’s latest prognosis for him is at least six months of good health.
Because the gerbil crawled out of his ass and saw its shadow!
This thread is SO FULL OF WINNING! I am forwarding it to all my sparkle pony friends down in the Castro district of San Francisco.
Voting so far:
34 % Navy Man
23 % Biker
17 % Construction Worker
16 % Indian
5 % Cowboy
4 % Cop
I was hoping people would go with Indian over Navy. We don’t need to make him feel like he actually should be wearing any uniform at all…
Bernath Indian for the win!
The Navy will win this one … just pass the trophy already!
I didn’t want to give him the Navy vote, because he’s disgraceful enough. But the biker is just ghey enough!
For good or bad, he’s a Navy “legacy”, Farflung Wanderer. They have to take him.
Hat tip to anyone who gets the movie reference. (smile)
Fawn Liebowitz died in a lesbian pileup as I recall.
Wait – I thought it was a kiln explosion!
I was engaged to Fawn. Well, engaged to be engaged.
Well, we have a couple of folks who’re taking it to the House . . . .
Louie also could not be reached for comment.
DO YOU MIND IF WE DANCE WIF YOU’RE DATES???
My suggestion is that you drink heavily.
Bernath at his fraternity:
“Thank you sir, may I have another?”
Only thing is, unlike Kevin Bacon, Bernath liked it.
A LOT.
I went with the Indian because I thought it might trigger “Letters From Bernath, Racist Edition.”
Why are we not allowed to vote more than once?
Had to go with the biker on this one. He doesn’t have the buns for a construction worker, the testosterone for either the cop or the cowboy, we know how it worked out for him last time he wore a Navy uniform, and Indian Chief is already spoken for. Besides, he might enjoy doing the biker thing, until he runs out of gas and tries to blow the wrong MC.
Bernath as the navy guy;
Phildo as the indian;
Psul as the leatherman
Cheesy Chevy as the cop;
too bad they don’t have ‘clown’ or ‘blob’ as members- DuLlAsS and the Round Ranger could round out the set!
I voted biker because I’m sure Danny Boy would love to wear the assless chaps.
I think I found the guy in the bush.
http://dovga.com/video/2556/guy-hiding-in-a-bush-scare-prank/pranks
Let’s see Danny “gayboy” Burnedass. You talk incessantly about all things homosexual. Most would call that projection. It’s okay, Danny. It’s the 21st century. You can be as gay as you want to be. God knows, your wife has been aware for decades about your proclivities. I heard that your grandchildren aren’t allowed to sit on your lap anymore because the complain about being poked by a little pin. Wonder what that is, Danny? Oh yeah, you might want to speak with the VA. They say that pain from getting your rectum stretch isn’t considered a service connected disability, even if it was from an Air Force Lt. Col named Dennis “Big Boy” Chevalier.
For those not of the gay persuasion, I give you Ms Natalie Dormer to get the gay out.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleydadds/natalie-dormer-shaved-her-hair-and-posed-topless-for-gq
She is SO Badass. She makes me wish I was 40 years younger. I’d be 8 and she wouldn’t bother in the ways that she does.
TSO,
I propose a photoshop contest to add to your greatness above.
OK…I’ll start….. ( http://i.imgur.com/2tFk3Xx.jpg )
/with more voting??
Nice.
Okay, I can’t take this any more. I just found out that I’m a lesbian now, and nobody told me.
I need to know the rules. Anyone?
Can I still wear eyeshadow and blusher?
Can I still get a really bad perm?
Do I get days off?
Is there a membership fee?
Is it okay if I stay in the closet about being straight, and only come out on weekends?
Am I still allowed to look a men’s butts and appreciate them, or does that get put on the back burner?
HEY, just think of the money you’ll save on buying clothes now! All you’ll need is some comfortable flannel shirts, T-shirts, jeans and steel toe boots!
But that’s a whole new wardrobe!!
Oh, I just can’t do this. It’s too expensive!
Flannel shirts? I like beaded voile and seersucker and crinkle gauze!
Jeans? I already have jeans. They’re boring.
I prefer my embroidered panne velvet skirts for winter, but with spring coming on, I’ll be back in broomstick tier skirts and hand crocheted poorboy sweaters.
And steel-toed boots? Do I look like I work in a steel mill?
I just don’t think I’ll make a very good lesbian. That’s okay. I’ll go back to being straight.
Ya gotta do what works for you! Me, I’ll stick with my lovely Wife, I can’t even think about life without her!
I think people whose ancestors hail from Lebanon get treated and dress pretty much like everyone else in the US, Ex-PH2.
The only rule is that we get to watch.
So, now, Bernath tells me (in an email) that he hasn’t served my restraining order yet because he’s afraid that I’d shoot the process server. What a nice guy he is.
*AAAAAAWWWWW!*. Ain’t he/it SUCH a nice ‘lil critter after all? That, or the whole thing was bullshit from square one, I say it’s the latter!
Danny is just a fearful person. He’s afraid of people who live on the opposite side of the country. He’s afraid of blowing winds and rustling bushes. He’s afraid of Social Security judges. He’s afraid of “”Wanted” posters that do NOT say “dead or alive”. He’s afraid of people who have criticized and ridiculed him. And now he’s afraid for process servers. He’s just one big, quivering bundle of fear. It’s all he can do to get out of bed in the morning and falsely accuse people of homosexuality and child molestation.
Maybe he hasn’t served the restraining order yet because there wasn’t one to begin with.
Maybe he generated one, put his own stamps and signatures on it and tried to bluff you with it?
We know his hand writing is crap.
Perhaps a family member helped?
Tell Danni-boi he owes me a new BS-meter for that whopper, Jonn. That one pegged the meter so hard that it broke the needle.
He doesn’t HAVE a restraining order. It’s a retraining order. He can’t even spell it right.
I wonder why I haven’t been served yet? After all, he’s going to sue me as well.
If he can spell my name correctly.
Jonn … You would have thunk that considering the entire world knew you and I were in the location, he would have paid to have us properly served at the same time.
I suspect he does not have the 79 dollars for proper service.
BREAKING NEWS – Greenwich Village, NYC
The entire gay community in NYC said today, “we don’t want him because he is not, never was nor will he ever be a Genuine or Honorary CPO”.
Sorry Bernath … Looks like everyone is turning their backs on you!
*OOP!* It looks like Daniel A. Bernath THE FAKE CPO will sue them next, or at least threaten them with a restraining order!!
Will the restraining order be printed on leather?
That is called a ball gag!
I read about it in a magazine!
A restraint made out of leather? Hmmmm. I understand some folks out there might kinda like that, Combat Historian.
Maybe Bernie-boi is simply trying to find a “friend”. (smile)
By that, you mean a “special” friend, right?