Air Guardsman Posed as CIA agent

| May 21, 2019

This story is a couple of months old but I don’t think it was posted here before.

The Air Force Times reports that an Air Guardsman posed as a CIA agent to pick up women at church.

And other times, a man pretends to be a CIA agent to impress a woman he’s developed an eye for, informing her she is “the target of a terrorist organization and that her life was in danger,” and that “if she did not follow his directions, she would be seriously injured or killed.”

And they say chivalry is dead.

This entire article is hysterical so I’d encourage you to read it.  It is a short read but they do mention his MicroSoft Office skills which may be on par with his CIA training and gives him “a particular set of skills.”

When we were young, who didn’t like to hear of another man’s “game” or playbook when it came to picking up women – be honest.

Anyway, this seemed like a classic fail.

Category: "Teh Stoopid", Air Force Poser

Comments (34)

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  1. Jay says:

    Had to send this to a coworker of mine. She ships out to AF training next week. She rolled her eyes when she realized the shit show she’s about to join.

    Yay! First!

  2. Andy11M says:

    I guess someone has seen True Lies one too many times.

  3. Hondo says:

    I thought TAH had done an article on this “enterprising young idiot lad”. But apparently the story only showed up in comments to a WOT back in Feb:

    https://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=85087#comment-3207422

    • Eden says:

      Thanks! I was pretty sure I had seen something on this story before.

    • sbalm says:

      Yes, you are correct.

      I seem to violate that often, but I searched for this one by unique last name. I think Google hasn’t picked up the new blog website in its entirety yet.

  4. Comm Center Rat says:

    From the AF Times article: “A LinkedIn page allegedly belonging to Houghtalen claims he is an airman who is ‘skilled in Microsoft Excel, Management, Microsoft Word, Microsoft PowerPoint, and Leadership.’”

    So with all those skills he still couldn’t pick-up any ladies?

    • MI Ranger says:

      Man, those are the skills I have too! Plus I know Outlook as well, I can send that e-mail at the time I am at the golf course and make you think I am in the office!
      I guess I can up my game as a bonifide agent of the CIA…they use me all the time!

    • ChipNASA says:

      I don’t see how you fucks think this is a joke.
      This dude is highly trained in Microsoft PowerPoint.

      Don’t you realize how deadly a weapon that is??

      I’ve seen whole squadrons taken out with one presentation from a distance. An entire auditorium of 300-400 people….POOF and like that, with a snap of your fingers and a click of a button…….

      Made completely inoperable, incapacitated and not mission capable in the blink of an eye.

      It’s not something to joke about. And also, we don’t have any defense against it and I don’t see anything on the horizon. The only way to avoid being taken out is to avoid the AO entirely.

      • Daisy Cutter says:

        I know how to do animations in PowerPoint.

        That alone put me ahead of the pack.

      • AW1Ed says:

        Add a WebEx capability and you can hit people with PowerPoint effects anywhere on the planet. I should know, I’m in one that comes from Seattle as I type.

        I’ve run out of sharpened pencils to stick in my thigh to stay awake. Feeling numb… getting…dark…can’t..stay..awake…

      • Mason says:

        As any good airman, I got a medal for my PowerPoint proficiency!

    • HMCS(FMF) ret says:

      I thought that all it took was a little bit of “wining and dining” to make things happen?

      Could have saved me some major bucks if I had known is all you need to have is some PowerPoint skillz.

    • USMCMSgt (Ret) says:

      He needs to up his game and list his other areas of expertise… “You know… like nun chuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!”

  5. Club Manager, USA ret. says:

    Let those of us who have never embellished or fibbed to a lady in an attempt to get in their pants cast the first stone.

  6. Dustoff says:

    War Story Alert: While stationed at Stewart in the early 80s, I would “occasionally”patronize the drinking establishments along River Street there in Savannah. One evening while enjoying an adult beverage I struck up a conversation with a Ranger (1st Bat) that was stationed there at Hunter. The house band had a hot young lady as their lead singer and during a break she starting hitting on the Ranger. Conversation as follows- Singer: “So what do you do? Ranger: “I’m a Ranger”. Singer : “So,you walk around in the woods and take care of small animals?” Ranger: “Yes ma’am something like that”. The guy’s humility impressed me, but I still snorted beer out my nose.Lesson here, there’s real high speed and then there’s Ryan Houghtalen.

  7. 5th/77th FA says:

    Dumbass! Pissed away a prolly promising career for a possible piece of ass. With all the dickstepping he couldn’t have done it any good anyhow.

    Don’t care how good his ‘puter skillz were, he’ll play hell finding decent work later. Maybe he’ll pick up some new skillz at the gray bar lounge under the expert tutoring of Bubba, Thor, Jethro, and Mr. “Tiny”. Could lead to a gig as Apprentice Towel Fluffer at Brucie’s Bath House (Entrance in the Rear)

  8. HMC Ret says:

    “… airman who is “skilled in Microsoft Excel, Management, Microsoft Word, Microsoft PowerPoint, and Leadership.”

    Maybe he can use his leadership and management skills as a manager at McDonalds or Burger King. I’m thinking after his bullshit makes it on to Google, those will probably be the only jobs he will get. This dimwit pretty much probably screwed himself for eternity. If there is any possibility he can remain in the military, he should hang on for dear life. It may be his only good option.

  9. Ex-PH2 says:

    I’ll give him this much: he is at the very least a bit creative in how he bamboozles women into letting him cozy up to him.
    But since the lady in question reported what he said to law enforcement, he obviously isn’t skilled in “terror tactics” or “fraidy-cat flustering” to convince even a starving hooker that he was the real thing.
    Unfortunately, he dropped his pants too soon. He may never recover. He should take up writing cheap. sleazy detective fiction for the e-books market. He might not starve to death if he does that.

  10. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    Brainy little assfurter, ain’t he? No matter what his skills are, McDonald’s is always hiring!

  11. Carlton G Long says:

    The Lord was so busy chasing the money changers out of the Temple that the stolen valor pukes snuck in.

  12. Funny thing is, he kind of looks like a CIA agent but his storyline is just the phuquin worst.