A Crumpet! My Kingdom for a Crumpet!

A short while ago, there was an unfortunate incident in Portland, OR, a fracas over two women who started selling breakfast burritos out of a food truck.  It was because they had “stolen” a recipe from local women while on a vacay in Cabo San Lucas. The so-called food protest in Portland, OR, was not about culture or ethnicity or inclusion. No, it was about separation. Division. Distances.

When those SJW busybodies went to the trouble of making a chart of which restaurants were owned/run by ethnically-correct owners, it was a slap in the face of that slacker metrosexual president they lusted over, who whined in public: “Can’t we all just get along?” before he had that ‘meet & grumble’ episode in the Rose Garden. Remember that one?

Yeah, I’m quoting Obama, the guy who looked good in a suit but couldn’t have done more than he did to be divisive. Not going to waste time on that, because he’s gone for good, but he did have a point there.  Uh, yeah, can’t we all just get along?

After these two silly women came home from their stay in the Baja, they tried to duplicate the buttery stretchy flatbread produced by the women down there and sold as wraps with fillings. When they bragged about it, they were slammed by the self-important divisive twits whose argument was that if those two women “stole” the recipe, they were “stealing culture” somehow. That doesn’t make any sense at all. Forcing those women to shut down, and then going around Portland to demand that restaurant owners stop producing and selling food that wasn’t in their “ethnic group” (whatever that is), shows a complete disconnect from the reality that there are Japanese chefs running restaurants that serve Nigerian cooking, and Italians cooking Chinese food and running sushi restaurants. Should Wolfgang Puck stop selling French onion soup?

I can cite dozens of similar examples, but the point is that this imbecilic protest was not about how diverse we are. It was about divisiveness, controlling what other people do, and making sure we all know that there is a vast gap between “you” and “me”, whoever we are. Instead of doing something constructive, the self-important birdbrained authoritarians not only shut down a thriving street vendor business, which generates tax revenues, they also deprived the owner of the street vendor truck, a Mexican fellow, of rental income.

How’s that for being blind and stupid all at once?

But you see, that doesn’t matter to these narrow-minded little snots, because They Say it’s not politically correct to be a unified species. And yes, they go by skin color. My skating coach was Polish, her husband was Chilean. They were both European in appearance, as is a huge population group of Latinos.  But we have to note our vast differences and never bridge that gulf, not because the distance between me and my Latino/Chicano and black neighbors is so great, but because The They said so. They have said it. It is an order. Thus it shall be.

Uh, no. Not just ‘no’ but ‘N-O’ NO!

First of all, if you want to come up with a product you can sell, do a better job of doing your homework. Those two bimbos who got slammed didn’t bother with that. They really were/are a pair of numbskulls. They could have found at least six flatbread recipes online to use and developed their own from those instructions. The same buttery, stretchy flatbread that had them all ga-ga in the Baja is a universal food item, not something special from Cabo San Lucas housewives. They were incredibly lazy and dumb.

Flatbread is the oldest human-produced food on the planet. The grain emmer, for instance, came into use around 17,000 BC. The use of emmer as a cereal food is considered to be contemporary with that of einkorn. Similar to einkorn, the earliest civilizations initially consumed emmer as a porridge prior to developing the process of bread making.  It’s still in use today.  The history of bread and cake starts with Neolithic cooks and marches through time according to ingredient availability, advances in technology, economic conditions, socio-cultural influences, legal rights (Medieval guilds), and evolving taste. The earliest breads were unleavened. Variations in grain, thickness, shape, and texture varied from culture to culture.

Beer was developed in Mesopotamia during the production of bread using grain that had been sprouted and dried, and subsequently letting the water ferment. The addition of yeast to flour was probably accidental, but yeast is also used in brewing beer. In ancient Egypt, women were the producers of both bread and beer. The Egyptian process was to bake the bread, then break up the loaves and put them in the sprouting water and allow them to ferment, and then drink the fermented liquid. – – Source: http://www.foodtimeline.org/

And what do we have now? Glad you asked.

Malaysian crisp, pulled flatbread: Roti Canai (Malaysia) or Roti Paratha (Singapore)

Roti: buttery Indian flatbread

Agege flatbread: stretchy Nigerian flatbread

Naan bread: a tandoor bread , baked in a tandoor oven on a ghee-lubed baking sheet; or just buy it at the grocery store

Tortillas: hard or soft; made with wheat flour or maisa (corn flour), but  not all that difficult to make. It’s simpler to just buy them at the grocery store, too.

Parotta or paratha: south Indian layered flatbread

Rghaif: Moroccan flatbread

Markouk saj: paper-thin Lebanese flatbread, stretched on a pillow

Pita bread: Greek flatbread, just thick enough to cut in half and split into pouches

Malawach: Yemenite Jewish flatbread

Jachnun: another Yemenite Jewish flatbread, rolled into sticks and fried

Crepes: thin eggy pancakes: France

Pancakes: your grandma’s kitchen and the Better Homes & Gardens cookbook; but very old and European in origin; made for Shrove Tuesdays.

– and last but certainly not least:

PIZZA! Yes, the pizza crust is a light, stretchy dough that can be thrown into a large, flat disc shape, loaded with sauce (make your own!), cheese, pepperoni, olives, mushrooms, garlic, hamburger, ham, sausage, extra cheese, extra pepperoni, and extra extra pepperoni. And the honorable modern pizza? It supposedly started in Italy with focaccia bread made by a Neapolitan baker named Esposito for King Umberto and his wife, but in reality, pizza was first documented in AD 997 in Gaeta. Basically, it’s flatbread with toppings, just like the others, but if you want a Neapolitan pizza, it must meet certain specific standards. And it isn’t just Napoli, either, it’s a universal European flatbread.

I was almost ready to set up a roach coach and start selling the Premium McWrap, which I dearly love, because McD’s quit selling it. Why? Simple. They have higher revenues from their all-day breakfast offerings than they got from the McWrap, so they did what all businesses do: they followed the cash flow. The McWrap isn’t so hard to put together, either: big flour tortilla, crispy chicken tenders, lettuce, shredded cheese, some diced tomato, ranch dressing. How hard is that?

All of this info comes from sources available online, including the recipes.  Now, if those two dumb broads had bothered to do their research for the 45 minutes that it took me to find these resources, they might still be in business, and that ridiculous, petulant, butthurt, not-your-ethnic-group crap in Portland might not have happened.

Instead, we get more divisiveness, more anger over imagined, nonexistent wrongs, and more online articles about how butthurt someone is about it all.

To make it clear just how I feel about the screechingly idiotic Social Justice Warrior Howler Monkeys (thanks, Nicki!) , I’ve come up with a list of foods that they can have, and they must not stray from this list, or suffer the consequences.

Here we go: Oreos (now made in Mexico); Lifesavers; Hostess cupcakes; Baby Ruth, Oh Henry!, Mounds, Mr. Goodbar, Mike and Ike, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, Heath Bars, Nestle Drumsticks (1920s); Twinkies; Snickers, Tootsie Pops, Fritos, 3 Musketeers, Ritz Crackers, Frito corn chips, 5th Avenues, Krispy Kreme donuts (1930s); Girl Scout Cookies; Cheetos; Pop Tarts; hot dogs; hamburgers; Doritos; Campbell’s condensed soups; Sunbeam white bread, well-known for its rubbery texture and bland flavor, and finally, peanut butter and jelly made with high fructose corn syrup, which is now quite well-known for causing cirrhosis of the liver.

The SJW Howler Monkeys absolutely must not stray from this list. The consequences will be horrendous if they do: a prolonged line of Republican presidents will rule the roost and ignore their howling, and they will be forced to find real jobs instead of living off their doting parents.

Teh HORROR!

Category: "Teh Stoopid", Dumbass Bullshit