Pineywoods NCO; Junk Mail would make us all billionaires

We have a guest post from PineywoodsNCO who is apparently fed up with his spam. This comes with a spew alert;

In this modern age of technology and all kinds of modern gadgets out there like laptop computers, smartphones, tablets and such, there is such an incredible world to explore. So much to know, to learn, to be delighted by and so forth. And with it, new ways to reach out to everyone, such as text messages, e-mails, Twitter, Instagram and so forth. I have a smartphone, and a laptop, and a tablet. I have five different email accounts, one for school (I went back to college after leaving the military, one for my professional communication, one for games, one each for a specific pair of activities I love to do (geocaching, cribbage).

But with the advances in technology, one thing remains constant, the con man or con woman. Looking for new ways to steal from hard-working honest people like you and me (but not our stolen valor turds), they reach out to the Internet and start sending us letters, telling us about their need to have you become a beneficiary for them or how they would like to share in a fortune that could be earned for you…

If you promise to keep quiet…

If you send them some money…

If you send them some personal information…

Well, you get where I am going here.

Recently, my professional email account has been bombarded at least three to four times a day with offers such as this. Like the “newest fat burner from Dr. Oz” or “Jewish singles are looking for…” or anything from a specific email address (patwalker523@gmail.com, how is it that this email is related to thousands of causes worldwide, none of which is worth a nickel), these emails hit my spam or junk email box in record time. But it still intrigues me that I get three or four a day of these offers that will make me a millionaire in no time, provided I do one of the those things above…

And it pisses me off too.

Here’s a few samples of what bullshit (that Daniel Bernath, Frank Visconi, Paul Wickre, or Dennis Chevalier would love to get their hands on) I am getting. Mind you, these are actual emails I have received in the past two days:
?
HOWARD ASSOCIATES
ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW & NOTARY PUBLIC
VIA MAISTRA 5 7500 ST. MORITZ,
SWITZERLAND
CANTON: GRAUBUNDEN.

Dear Friend,

I write you this message under strict recommendation and in good faith. I am sorry at the perceived confusion you may have receiving by this letter from me since we have not met previously, To be straight, i am William Poker, trained and working as a lawyer for a citizen of your country.I write to contact you as he died here in Switzerland, over a decades ago leaving behind an estate/capital 6,000,000 here .However, he died intestate, no next-of-kin, nobody came forward all these years to lay claim of the inheritance. I have decided to work with you to secure the funds because you are answering the same surname with my client.

Or this:

GOOD DAY TO YOU

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel may be of great disturbance To your personal life, but I feel quite safe dealing with you. Though this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused I choose to reach you through it because it remains the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication.However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such. I am contacting you based on Trust and

confidentiality I have reposed higher confidence in your ability to handle this matter perfectly for my sake.I am serious minded person. I am the above named person from Liberia. I am married to Mr. Greg Johnson who worked with Embassy here in Cambodia for nine years before he died in the year 2008 We were married for eleven years without a child.He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. I married him because is a Christian why his people are Muslim

Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $9.Million (Nine Million U.S. Dollars) a financial Bank this money is still in a financial Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next two to three Months due to cancer problem the one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided To keep this fund in the vault I want an organization or an individual that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, Propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that grieves. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money I will introduce you to my family lawyer that will prepare an authorization letter of claiming the funds my happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian . Whoever ! that wants to Serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me Room in sourcing another person for this same purpose Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated Herein hoping to receive your reply and Remain blessed in the Lord Please send me your complete information,

(1). Full names:
(2). contact address
(3). Phone:
(4). Cell phone:
(5). Age:
(6). Occupation.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Rose Johnson

Or this:

Attn Package Beneficiary:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, I know you will be expecting to hear from me regarding this delivery after the last attempt to get it over. The fact is that I understand you’re been into so many transaction and I decided to stay clear so that you will understand the truth about everything going on within the internet.

As it stands now the ball is on your end and if you play it fine you will achieve the goal because the Company has decided to grant 50% allowance to all our customers which will make it easier to everyone. The 50% bonus is to ease you from paying the total fee which is $120. You are now required to pay only $60. We shall also ease you with 7days interval to enable you come up with the needed fee for the completion of this delivery.

So the Information you are required to reconfirm to the Agent is as Follow.

(1)Your Full Name=============
(2)Mobile Phone Number======
(3)Current Home Address==== ====
(4)Fax Number================
(5)Country====================
(6)City======================
(7)Nearest Airport ==============
(8)Passport/Drivers license ======

Finally I am residing at JFK New York City and you can reach me at agentrichardsmith@qip.ru This fund shall be remitted in my credit card within 2hours of the payment confirmation. The attached file is my working ID CARD which will make you understand the extent if legitimacy of this transaction. You’re advised to get back to us without any delay

Thanks and God bless
Yours in Service
Agent.Richard Smith
JFK Airport New York
E-mail.. agentrichardsmith@qip.ru

OR EVEN THIS:

I am David Ellis Head of Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Harts field-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered An abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport.

To our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately 110kg each.The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal Effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities. The diplomat’s inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned.

By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more.They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes weighing about 110kg each (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) effective Capacity: 680 L) Approximately. The details of the consignment including your name and email on the official document from United Nations’ office in London where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is still available with us.

Like I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this packages provided you will also give me something out of it (financial gratification). You can either come in person, or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent tha

As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your Full name, Phone Number, full address so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the official documents. It is now left to you to decide if you still need the consignment or allow us repatriate it back to UK (place of origin) as we were instructed.

t will provide the necessary security That is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need all the guarantee that I can get from you before i can get involved in this project. You can also contact (mrdavidellis291@gmail.com).

Best Regards,
Mr David Ellis
INSPECTION OFFICER

Holey Chit!! If I reply to any of these, I am an instant millionaire. BUT WAIT, if I reply to all of them, I will become a billionaire. Never have to work again, never have to worry about making the next car payment, hell, I could even get two brand new cars each for me and the wife, with all the bells and whistles, and even one for my father, while moving into a new house for each of us, go on vacations all the time, take my time and get my degrees that I want to earn at school (in case you are wondering, I am working on a Bachelor of Science degree in Human Resource Management, and have applied to go graduate school to get a Professional MBA and then a Master’s of Strategic Leadership)…it’s the end of my worries and the fulfillment of all my dreams….

And it’s all bullshit too (not my dreams, but these offers I have listed above and many others like them).
We all have heard of the many scams out there, send a little personal information, send a little cash, or email them back, and we’re in like Dennis Chevalier munching on cheese. But like Daniel Bernath and Frank Visconi, they are a bunch of Paul Wickres, lying sacks of turds.

But, I am throwing away millions of dollars….man….this is tough…right??

Allow me to dissect some of these bullshit emails. These are all true about most of these wastes of cyberspace.

1) Hits the junk / spam folder faster than Dennis Chevalier goes through cheese.

2) Claims to be offering millions of dollars…really, how do you know that those consignment boxes have millions of dollars in them when all bills weigh the same as a piece of paper in the same size, stupid?

3) If they are from a professional organization, then why in the Bernath-like hell are they coming from Yahoo email or Gmail email addresses? Speaking of your organization, never heard of it. Tell me more about it.

4) Never the same email from who it was sent by to who to contact? Oh wait, they are the same person, aren’t they? It’s so confusing who to contact. Dallas Wittenfield must be involved, you know he is good at being so secretive and confusing. Too much window licking, Dallas?

5) Rarely, do you ever see an email from someone claiming to be in the United States but the email address says they are in Portugal, Russia, Japan, Spain or India. It’s like getting a letter from Frank Visconi, Attorney at Law or like how Daniel Bernath is in Switzerland and claims to be a former coach of the Romanian soccer team (as shown on his Facebook page)

6) Terrible spelling and grammar. My cousin’s three-month daughter can write better than this. “Over a decades ago…” (so, how long was that??) Anyone of our favorite non-CPO, non-C130 flying, non-functioning brainless turds could be writing these emails.

7) What the hell is a stroke sickness? And really, did your husband die after a short illness of a few days and you are waiting how long again, years, to contact me? WHY ME??

8) How in the hell do you know what’s in the box without opening the box? And why would the UN have an inspection team in Atlanta? And what would your superiors think of you taking a kickback? Really, Mr. Ellis, you are a special breed of stupid. Oh yeah, pay for a yellow tag? I can get a yellow tag for a quarter, with string.

9) Asking for personal information. Really? If you needed personal information, how in the hell did you contact me in the first place? You want to know more about me or a copy of my identification. Ya, right. Not happening, dumbasses. You need me to send money? How about a penny for your stupidity.

10) Contact them at this number. Never mind it is an international call to some hellhole in Africa that is full of crap.

11) Privacy, secrecy…shhh shhh. You know like that bush, rustle rustle. Sure, all right. Let’s share your bullshit with the entire world, shall we?

Frankly, we all know they’re not worth the time to read them. I read them to laugh at them trying, but I am also kind of saddened that there is someone who will actually fall or has fallen for these emails. But they need to learn they are in a different breed of stupid then our turds. Hell, I am throwing away opportunities to increase my personal wealth beyond my means.

Damn.

So I do these idiots a couple of favors.

One, I attempt to gather as much information as I can about them. You see, I was a proud member of the Signal Regiment during my time in the Army. I learned how to look into an email for telltale clues, such as an IP address, which I use to track down where they based out of, and maybe even more information about them, such as an address, phone number, building, etc. I have alerted authorities on it when I can, giving them as much info as I have or can obtain. Helped reduce the stupid where and when I can.

The second favor is I forward their communication attempts to two email addresses. One of them is a sixth email address I specifically have to respond to their requests, of which I know is a complete fakery like theirs and I respond kindly to their requests by telling them to punch their tickets alongside Daniel Bernath, Dennis Chevalier, Frank Visconi and ride the Paul Wickre Express straight to hell (I am sure Dante, Osama and all the other not-so-good boneheads would like a break from standing on their heads in the ten foot deep shit pit before Chelsea Manning comes down there with his buddy Nidal). The other email I forward the worthless correspondence is spam@uce.gov. This email is to a group devoted to rooting out the cybercrimes that are out there. You will likely never receive a response but by sending them, but feel good knowing you are helping end the Bernath wannabes out there from helping out themselves.

But as such, I am throwing millions and millions of dollars that I could make. No biggie, I didn’t work for it…and I would rather work and earn every damn penny I have in life. That makes it worth far more to me. My father taught me it was more special when you have worked for it. Three of my former company commanders in the Army affirmed this along with many of my leaders. And it’s nice to help those in need as these fools and their emails get what piece of karma they deserve. Wonder what looks better on them, stripes or orange?

Pineywoods NCO

Category: Dumbass Bullshit