2014 Blue Falcon Stolen Valor East Regional

East Regional. (LANGUAGE WARNING ON THIS ONE, FOR LIBERAL USE OF F BOMB)

SERIOUSLY.

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER.

Fine, warning made and ignored.

1 Seed v. 16

1) Daniel A. Bernath, Bernasty McDouchenugget, Embellisher

CLAIM: Chief Petty Officer, US Navy (and a ton of other shit)
TRUTH: No, nay, never.

Forget everything you think you know about Dan Bernath and his Stolen Valor and Legal antics.  (I wish you good fortune in that as I pray for divine help in that regard each evening.)  What you don’t know about him is that he is a loving, caring man who is charitable, kind and compassionate.

Everything you need to know about him can be found in this story which you should share with your loved ones around the Christmas tree.  Charitable Dan flies his plane around taking abandoned dogs to people who want to adopt them.  One time he was flying a large dog who was sitting in the copilots seat.  The dog suddenly, and unreasonably decided it didn’t want to be in an airplane at 10,000 feet over mountains, and started acting like a dog.  But Dan the Heroic, Dan the Charitable, Dan the Compassionate was ready.

“My plan is this: 2 souls are NOT going to die today, but one might,” quoth he.   “If I can’t control you, then I shall cut your throat, you’ll go limp when you bleed out and I’ll move you over to the left side and land the airplane.”  But he managed to wrap the dogs leash around the seat with one hand, while heroically landing the plane with the other.  The people adopting the dog were there, two kids who drank all the coffee (sad) and the mom who Dan assures us was a “MILF” (yeah!).

But for honorable Dan, ”Lesson learned-I duct tape big dogs front legs and have them leashed to the right seats headstand.”

Such a heart warming story.  Well, in Tigard they say – that the Bernasty’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  Like I said, share that story around the Christm….

Wait, what?

The fucking lesson to be learned from this is that when flying a 2 person aircraft with a large dog riding copilot one should always carry a shiv and a roll of duct tape?  Why not take other preventative measures like squirting two rolls of rubber cement into the dogs ass in case it tries to shit?

Are you fucking kidding me?  How about you save money on Icelandic website registries for three days and buy a damned Dog cage, like the 99.9 percent of Americans who don’t suffer from raging fucking psychosis?  What kind of person could gleefully fly an airplane with a dog duct taped in the seat next to him?  What kind of person even considers duct taping a dog?

When someone asks how bad these Stolen Valor guys really are just steer them to this fucking story.  Psychotic assclown.

Yes, that is a real story, from his own words.  The Stolen Valor is just a symptom of how sick this guy is.

16) Frank Gervais, Canada’s (ass)hat, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Member of Canada’s finest.
TRUTH: Asshole.

This one pains me, and I’ll tell you why.  I love Canadians, and am a Member of the Canadian Royal Legion (in Hamilton, ON) and ANAVICUS.  My bucket list is to visit Yellowknife, Whitehorse or Iqaluit and I firmly believe Newfies are the greatest folk on the planet.  (Have you ever spent Canada Day with Newfies?  If no, then you don’t know drunk.)  Love me some Great Big Sea, Rush and The Band too.  I’ve even forgiven you for the unfortunate Justin Beiber and Bryan Adams incursions.

But mostly it broke my heart when Cpl Cirillo died.  And so Gervais deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life, and then two further inches.

That said, he never duct-taped a dogs paws together that I know of, nor has he sued me or defamed me.

(Dear Canadian Brothers and Sisters.  Genuinely sorry I put him in this bracket.  You guys’ Stolen Valor is as important as our own.  We respect and salute you guys and gals.  And if you live or serve in the military in Nunavut, Yukon, Northwest Territories or somewhere else that is nearly inhospitable, email me because I want to do a story on something military up there.)

8 Seed v. 9

8) Dina Boyer, LGBT Superperson, Embellisher

CLAIM: Navy Cross, Beirut bombing survivor
TRUTH: Sea service ribbon, ENFR (maybe fireperson?)

Anyone ever find out what happened to Midge that was the LGBT person with Code Pink? S/he was always really nice, but at some point s/he just disappeared. She’s the not convincing looking chap over Valerie Plame’s shoulder.

Are we certain that isn’t the same person?

9) Felix Carswell, Wheels on the bus…, Embellisher

CLAIM: Special Forces, arm cut off by helicopter blade, subsequently re-attached.
TRUTH: 11B, 82d Airborne Division in the 1/504th Parachute Infantry.

I went into an Army hospital once with poison ivy and came out with a third testicle, but they managed to reattach dudes arm? Where’d they put it?

He took a spill on a metro bus and is suing for a cool 10 million. Felix, you cat you! “He had to be hospitalized after he hurt his head, neck and back, and has been having blurred vision, the court papers state.” Did they check BAC, because I’m guessing it was north of .2

5 Seed v. 12

5) Flemron Dickey, 3rd Special Food Forces Brigade, Embellisher

CLAIM: “Green Beret”
TRUTH: Food services specialist

Say what you will about the 18T’s (Food Service Green Berets) but their training after Q course is astonishing. It begins with night land nav with 124 pounds of salad greens (iceberg lettuce, watercress, endive, Romaine lettuce), tomatoes, bacon, chicken breast, hard-boiled eggs, avocado, chives, Roquefort cheese, red-wine vinaigrette and assorted knives. At the end of it they make you do a weapons check and a cobb salad in under 5 minutes. Then you have to take the goat that the 18D guy is trying to keep alive, and make it into a gyro while still not killing it.

Shit ain’t easy man. Only one I ever met that could do it was Paula Dean, and bless her heart, she carried an extra 20 lbs of lard.

12) Kristopher Doody, Tomato with an RPG, Embellisher

CLAIM: “06/97- 05/01 U.S. Marine Corps- During my four years with the Marines I was a rifleman and scout swimmer with a Raider Company; 3/1 India Co. I finished my military career as a Scout/Sniper with 3/1 Surveillance and Target Acquisition Platoon.”
TRUTH: 0311 before becoming a deserter.

I saw a DYN Corps guy running in jam shorts and flipflops with a machine gun at the Palace in Kabul one time when a shot rang out. He was pretty much the coolest dude I’d ever seen.

If this bowl full of jelly ran by me in those shorts, wearing that shirt, it would mean either I was stationary, or he saw a street vendor behind me. Either way I’d punch him in the ball sack for wearing that outfit. What the hell are you trying to blend in with? Killer Tomatoes?

4 Seed v. 11

4) Jared Stern, Paul Wickre’s Private Investigator, Embellisher

CLAIM: “After serving in the United States Marine Corps and subsequently conducting intelligence operations overseas…”
TRUTH: E1 discharge, Marine 0311

I guess if any of you are going to hire Mr. Stern to do your work, you should know that he did, indeed serve in the Marine Corps from November 1985 until August 1988 – about 120 days short of the 36 month mark (a regular enlistment period) – and he left as an E-1. And, oh, yeah, that “conducting intelligence operations overseas” was as an 0311 infantryman. I doubt that he did any intelligence operations that didn’t include a titty bar as it’s main objective. Also, records indicate the “In the Hands of Civilian Authorities” which is always the sign of a good intelligence operator.

Also, he’s a douche. Who works for a bigger douche. Who hired a douche for an attorney. And the bigger douche used to work for a phone SEAL douche. Also, douche’s douche employer is friends with a phony Green Beret douche. Do u che see were I am going with this?

Howard Stern’s Penis! Howard Stern’s Penis! Baba-booey!

13) John Fuentes, Bio-hazard wearing jackass, Unkown

CLAIM: See Below
TRUTH: See Below

I’m sharing the whole police report, because it makes me giggle.

Officers XXXX, XXXX and XXXX respond to Wild Willies where a “gentleman” was in Full US ARMY active duty ACU’s soliciting funds for the local Military Museum and Wounded Warrior Program. He even gets a small amount of funds from some of the bar patrons. Unfortunately for him, one customer (a vet) is suspicious and questions him on his service and he runs. Officers find him on XXXX where an investigation about soliciting reveals he does not have permits to solicit or even a military ID. The uniform of the “2nd Lieutenant Dimarco” does not match the NY state Dept of Corrections inmate card on him showing him as Johnathan Fuentes. Fuentes is the subject of a previous report by Officer XXXX, he has multiple social numbers, altered enlistment papers and a VA card in the name of Fuentes. He states he is an Infantryman but doesn’t have a Combat Infantry Man’s Badge on, but a Combat Action Badge (not given to Infantry), along with his parachutist’s badge. The stories finally crumble and he admits to getting funds by using the uniform, ( he spent the money on packs of cigarettes already). While speaking to 3 veterans he states he does not want to get in any more trouble, (a little late). I have the pleasure of informing him that “his” uniform is evidence and we will be removing it now and put him in a bio hazard gown for his transport to jail. The subject is charged with 817.312 Unlawful use of uniforms, medals or insignia a third degree felony.

2 Seed v. 15

2) Reverend Colyer, Reverend Doctor of Occupy, Embellisher

CLAIM: USMC Disabled Veteran with PTSD
TRUTH: OTH from USMC, no combat

This dude had a solid Twitter game, and then just walked away. It was weird. One minute he’s throwing death threat haymakers, and the next he’s gone like a fart in a wind tunnel. You’d think a “Reverend Doctor” would have had better grasp of our given tongue, but he seemed to only know profanity. Which can be fun. (c.f. Bernath above.)

Anyone seen this turd floating in any bowls lately? Last I had heard he was enroute to Ferguson. Thank God he never interrupted Jonn’s Spanish Novellas. Whatever the hell that means.

15) Christopher Duke, You won’t like Jonn when you make him mad, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Marine Scout Sniper
TRUTH: Not a Sniper. Not a Scout. Not a Marine.

If listening to Jonn yell at this guy doesn’t make you harder than woodpecker lips, then you were never an NCO. He’s like Samuel L. Jackson about to go medieval on this “fucknut”.

Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charming motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?

7 Seed v. 10

7) Leonard Goethals, 40 Years of lying, Embellisher

CLAIM: Vietnam, Cobra pilot – Shot down and captured – POW 3 years – rescued by 2nd Armored or 1st Cav. Plus SF in OEF or something.
TRUTH: 80 Days in the Navy

I’m completely at a loss on this guy. Literally can think of nothing to say.

That Jon Lester trade has me pissed off, but that’s a ton of $ to spend on one lefty. But there are some REALLY seductive pictures of the Gronk out there today playing with kittens. Also, did you see that chick Annalynn McCord wore a Pats 69 Jersey to the game last week? Also, I’m having digestive issues. I think I might take the day off tomorrow, get on the can with two bottles of magnesium sulfate or whatever that stuff is that makes you go, and just drop a massive Leonard Goethals into my crapper.

10) Christopher McFarland, another A-hole doing it doggy style, Embellisher

CLAIM: 0317 Force Recon Scout Sniper. SERE TRNG course, Recon School, Scout Sniper School. 6 tours in both Iraq and Afghanistan; wounded in both countries. 4 Purple hearts. POW in both OIF and OEF.
TRUTH: LCPL, USMC; SPC, US Army. DID Deploy in OEF/OIF, but no Purple hearts. No Recon either. Truck driver.

I just woke up (have Thursday off this week), and feel the need to confess two sins. 1) I like Cyndi Lauper. That’s right, I think True Colors is a decent song. And her version of The Wall was great. 2) I also stopped the radio on Katy Perry’s Roar the other day. This one less excusable. On TV it is fine, because you can claim you just want to take a gander at her mountains, but the audio version less palatable.

Incidentally, if they ever make up a Pulitzer or Oscar for “Picture image which comes up in safe search most likely to be used in self abuse in one’s inlaws basement”, I would think that picture of Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry has to be a nominee. In the same YouTube Category, it is always going to be “Wild Things Pool Scene.”

I feel as if I was supposed to be writing about something else.

6 Seed v. 11

6) Sean Yetman, heavy-drop phony Ranger on Black Friday, Unknown

CLAIM: 2/75th Rangers and he has 3 awards of the CIB for two rotations to Iraq and one to Afghanistan.
TRUTH: Unknown.

This is the most well known faker in the country right now, so I am going to use this opportunity to discuss something else which troubles me.

Is Claudia Black super hot, or kind of man-ish? I keep waffling on this one, but definitely thing super-hot.  Another Kirsten Dunst situation here with an incredible body, but the face. I don’t know. Loved her character on Stargate SG1. That last episode where she sorta hooked up with Daniel is one of my favorites. Thoughts?

Signed,
If she’s man-ish does that make me gay? in Indiana.

11) Dennis Myers, Phony Combat vet who received a phony medal from a phony combat veteran Senator, Embellisher

CLAIM: Silver Star
TRUTH: No Silver Star

Of all the stories this year, I loved this one the most, because it was a delicious FU moment to outgoing Stolen Valor Senator Tom Harkin.

“During a 1992 bid for the presidency, Sen. Tom Harkin of Iowa claimed that he had served as a pilot in Vietnam. His claim surfaced eight years before, during a 1984 bid for reelection to the Senate, when Harkin boasted that he had served one year in Vietnam flying F-4s and F-8s on combat air patrols and photo-reconnaissance support missions. Challenged by Sen. Barry Goldwater, Harkin did a quick shuffle, claiming that he had actually flown combat sorties over Cuba during the sixties. Harkin finally admitted that he had not seen combat but had served as a ferry pilot stationed in Atsugi, Japan, flying aircraft to be repaired from Atsugi to the Phillipines. When pressed by reporters to explain how much time he had really spent in Vietnam, Harkin estimated that over a year, he flew in and out of Vietnam a dozen or so times. But Harkins military record showed no Vietnam service decorations. He finally conceded he had not flown combat air patrols in Vietnam and began describing himself as a Vietnam -era- vet.” – Stolen Valor by B.G. Burkett.

3 Seed v. 14

3) Terrell Anquoe, Hi ah, what the?, Embellisher

CLAIM: Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star and a Purple Heart along with some Desert Storm service medals.
TRUTH: Actual name Paul Dean Fultz, 10 months, E1, Tow Gunner

I’ve always meant to get around to finding out my Indian name and animal spirit guide. Maybe I should go seek out Paul Dean Pultz and go on a vision quest with him. The last time I went on a Vision Quest I emerged as a State Wrestling Champion, looked like Mathew Modine and banged a cougar-esque Linda Fiorentino.

14) Ken Strafer

CLAIM: Active duty during the war against terror, Brig Gen, SF, Wounded by IED
TRUTH: Retired LTC, he has a CIB, an EIB, Ranger Tab, and graduated from Command and General Staff College, No SF, No IED.

Why dude? Seriously, why? EIB and Ranger Tab weren’t good enough? Dude, all I received and ever wanted was a CIB. My grenade throwing skills (and luck) sunk my EIB, and my brittle-ass discs in my back ruined my RIP shot. And this guy has to add more and more shit?

Dumb-ass. But at least he never duct-taped a dog.

Ballots to follow shortly.

Category: Politics