West Regional of the 2014 Blue Falcon Stolen Valor Tournament

WEST REGIONAL IS NOW CLOSED, GO VOTE IN SOUTH REGIONAL.

Whelp, here we go.  If you want to know more about these clowns, just type the last name into the search engine above and have at it.  I’m limiting hyperlinks here because you guys don’t click them very often, and you probably remember most these dudes.

Vote is at the bottom, make sure you click enter or done or whatever it is after you have voted in EACH RACE.  You should have 8 selections.

Seed 1 verses 16:

1) Nate Fornwalt, Lemonade Stand Stealing Phony, Embellisher

CLAIM: Wounded veteran with numerous purple hearts, Marine Special Ops.
TRUTH: Iraq vet with no purple hearts, no Special Ops.
There’s a very special place in hell for people who steal money from an 13 year old Gold Star kid’s lemonade stand. (It’s the same place in hell reserved for ship captains who would take advantage of Saffron, those who think Taylor Swift is awesome, and Jets fans.) Matthew Ott runs a lemonade stand in memory of his veteran mother who died when he was young, the proceeds of which go towards veterans in need. Apparently Fornwalt was in need of a new cane, or possibly an X-Box 1. He also makes shitty snowmen with blood on them to “honor” the guys he lost overseas, because Lord knows I’d want to be honored for my sacrifice by some money stealing jackass who can roll snow into balls and then stick a carrot in the face.

 

16) John R. Acton, Constable Prevaricator, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Vietnam Vet or a US Army Veteran in the Vietnam Era, with “advance infantry warfare” and a “secret clearance MI. level 4″ and was a decorated officer. Sometimes he said that he was honorably discharged due to an injury, other times he said he was retired military.
TRUTH: Discharged as private after a gruelling 4.5 months in service.
Running for Constable of San Tan County Arizona must be the thing to do. And one way to ensure you have no chance whatsoever of winning that race is to just make shit up out of thin air. His campaign theme was “Honor Courage Experience”. #NailedIt 0/3. I particularly like him using a American Legion solicitation as proof of service. I would have liked to use my experience in Red Dead Revolver from Afghanistan to apply for the position of gun fighter, and I think I will model my campaign on Acton’s patent pending approach of just inventing it.

Seed 8 v. 9:

8) Julee Johns, Funeral Phony, Embellisher

CLAIM: Medically discharged Marine Drill Instructor, master sergeant, OEF/OIF
TRUTH: 16 days in boot camp. Almost the same thing, right?
Just watch:

 

 

9) Joseph Lewis “Wolverine” Rios; Killer elite clerk, Embellisher

CLAIM: Served in US Army Special Forces from 1975-1988, 18B Weapons Sergeant, Special Forces Instructor, SERE Instructor, Instructor Fort Sherman Panama, Pathfinder Instructor – Panama, Combat duty in Nicaragua and El Salvador, and French Commando Training.
TRUTH: 71L clerk typist in an Air Defense Artillery unit in Germany.
Ah S1, you magnificent bastards, you’ve done it again. I’m loathe to include this guy, because a clerk typist and an SF Weapons Sergeant are almost the same thing. Heck, they are closer than 11B and 19D. He’s also a Karate Master.

This may or may not be Joseph training in between ops to take down high value targets:

Seed 5 v. 12

 5) Thomas DeCare, Beer Swilling ISIS Killer, Valor Thief

CLAIM: I can’t even make out all the shit on his uniform, except the badge above his name tag which seems to indicate he was bombed with fecal matter from a Pterodactyl.
TRUTH: NPRC says “who?”
I loved the quote from our witness:
“You can imagine my surprise when I was sitting in my favorite watering hole in Phoenix, NY, when this train wreck came in and sat down. He ordered a beer and a moment later answered a cell phone call when, very loudly, he proclaimed he was on his way to Fort Drum and then enroute to fight ISIS….Additionally he told me he was in the 175th Ranger Regiment and had HALO experience he was yelling this on the way to his car, and he proceeded to leave the area at a high rate of speed.”
Don’t you hate that shit? You pop into your favorite pub for a Guinness or 17, and your phone rings, and it’s that pain in the ass Petreaus telling you to suit up to take out baddies again. Shit happens to me all the damn time. Hell, happened last weekend when I’d finally lined up a 3-some with Emma Stone and that kinda-cute but not really hot chick from Hairy Potter. Stupid generals sending me places.

 

 

 12) Jonathan Cook, Very Special Forces Superfriend, Embellisher

CLAIM: Ranger, SF, Sentient life form.
TRUTH: Aw, hellz no. 55 days and gone.
It takes a special breed of man to tattoo himself with all this shit. It truly says a lot that the closest thing to reality he has enshrined on his skin is being from Krypton. But let’s talk about the true travesty here, the fact he is from Beckley, WV. If there is someone reading this from that city, my apologies in advance, but that’s the worst town in America. I stayed in an America’s Best Value Inn and it was like Fallujah. There was a chalk outline on my hotel room floor, and I heard gunfire. (No lie on the gun fire.) The lock wouldn’t work, so I propped an entire queen bed against the door, and had the lamp unplugged to use as a mace in the case of anyone coming in. When I had to go through the town again in August I told my wife to make hotel reservations in ANY town in WV not named Beckley. Anyone want to guess where she put me up? Two guesses, but you’ll only need one.

4 Seed v. 13:

4) Charles Chavous, Dude, I lost my hair, Embellisher

CLAIM: Vietnam POW, Tunnel-rat, two Bronze Stars and the Navy Cross
TRUTH: 0311 with 1 year in Vietnam, none of those awards, convicted of Murder
Before using the “Vietnam made me murder a guy” defense (with some success) Chavous had been rocking his story a long assed time. This was my favorite passage:
Each time he was sent back to Vietnam, Mr. Chavous was wounded. He was captured and held prisoner for a short time but escaped, taking another American captive with him.
Somewhere along their journey the other man died, but Mr. Chavous, who says the escape is a blur to him, didn’t realize the other soldier had died and kept talking to him for several hours. He never knew who the man was.

That reminds me of the time I crash landed somewhere in the Maldives on a deserted Island with my friend Wilson. He was a quiet sort, what with being a volleyball. But when we got off the island on a raft I constructed, I was just talking and talking, and only later did I realize Wilson had floated away.

Also, he may have been banging my girlfriend at the time, that son of a bitch. (Curse you Wilson you philandering leather stuffed douche!)

 

 13) Schoen LaBombard, Bobsledder from Batavia, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Navy SEAL who had wallet stolen, needed to report for Deployment
TRUTH: Scam artist who deployed to exactly nowhere, and burglarized his grandmother.
Oh Batavia, wherefore art thou sweet Bellavia. Seriously, dude is from the same town as David Bellavia. They ought to compare stories, they are so similar in so many ways. One was a fake Olympian and OEF vet, and the other had a best selling book about that time he killed 6 dudes in a building the last of which may or may not have been with a cork screw from a Gerber.

BTW- I ever tell you my brother competed in the skeleton? Everyone thought he had a terminal disease, so he convinced my parents to let him do insanely idiotic shit and go out on his terms. Now he’s alive and well, married with two kids. Talk about idiotic.

2 Seed v. 15

 2) Derek Church, The Real Unslim Shady, Embellisher

CLAIM: SSG, Ranger, 82nd, Infantry, Straight.
TRUTH: PFC, 18 months as a nasty girl then a quick exit.
Dude, the blue cord on the wrong side? Purple Heart on the wrong side? Come on, do a little research in between your 17 daily visits to McDonalds. BTW dude, the inseam on your pants is like a foot too long. Seriously, what did you buy, 40 x 40?

Diet plan. Learn it, live it, love it.

 

 15) Benjamin Scott, Scamming in the Great Outdoors, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL with a Purple Heart
TRUTH: Not even a little.
This Bag o’ Ass probably should have been seeded higher. He rocked his lie, and somehow made it on the Board of Trustees for Operation Veterans Outdoors. They don’t appear to be doing well, since their website isn’t active, and their Facebook presence is somewhat meager. So they are the true victims in this, along with every actual veteran who would have been able to take part in whatever Operation Veterans Outdoors was going to do. In reality he is a drug offender and a parole violator.

This makes me mad because I love the outdoors. Mostly from an inside perspective, but I do love the outdoors. Like those times when it is 33 degrees and raining or 114 and no cloud cover (i.e. every day we went to the range) those days suck. But I love the beauty of the outside, provided I’m not actually out in it. I’m sort of an inside guy, just chillaxing inside watching my Pats beat the Bolts, while my dogs shiver outside and wonder why I forgot to let them in. I tell them they are descended from wolves when they complain, and they tell me to eff off.

Seed 7 v. 10:

7) Mike Fortner, In the time of Dinosaurs, I was a SEAL, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL Team 1, 2 and 6 leader. 9 years, 9 months 26 days and 17 hours in the SEALs.
TRUTH: Old guy rocking a 50 year lie.
Come on Deacon, you are better than this

For the record, Dan Nois is a fricken Stolen Valor Assassin with a microphone. Dude is all over it. But when you lie to your wife, your kids, and your church, you deserve to get Nois’d. (Copyright pending on someone getting “Nois’d”.)

 

 10) Gene Carroll, Rotten Turd, Embellisher

CLAIM: Marine Special Ops, Cyprus, Dominican Republic, 2 Purple Hearts, 1 Silver Star, and the omnipresent Combat Action Ribbon.
TRUTH: None of that was true, but he did get the coveted “30 days in AWOL” Ribbon.
Another turd in the prom punch bowl, Gene here “hit the beach (in Vietnam) just the same way the guys did in Guadalcanal.” In what movie? Because if it was that Thin Red Line movie, that one sucked. You weren’t hitting anything Gene, and Charlie don’t surf.

And just who makes up secret missions to Cyprus? Reminds me of the time I single-handedly took control of Gibraltar from the back of my sturdy steed Gary the Giraffe. Those Brits had no effen clue what hit them. But Clinton made me give it back to them. Thanks a lot, Dick.

 

Seed 6 v. 11

6) Randy Abbott, Rolling Blunder, Embellisher

CLAIM: Joined the Marines at 16, went to RECON, Scout Sniper Tattoo, served 14 years.
TRUTH: Marine Corps refueling technician with 7 years.
He served about 7 years, not 14. He joined the Marines in 1984 which made him 19 not 16 when he joined. He refueled vehicles, not as Recon Marine, but as a fuelman. So his back operation being the result of the years that he spent jumping from airplanes and helicopters, busting brush and being the most Marine he could be is pretty much BS. He had the operation 17 years after he got out from running a Marine Corps gas station. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – unless you try to tell folks that you’re some kind of trained killer that the Marines used up and threw away.

This jackass rocked the lie in the worst possible place, at the Travis Manion Charity Run. What kind of effen douchenozzle lies at an event like that? Seriously.

 

11) Casey Shook, Tickle Monster Pederast, Embellisher

CLAIM: former Army Ranger and special forces member
TRUTH: He was a parachuting chemical specialist in the 21st Chemical Company at Fort Bragg and an NBC specialist in an Air Defense Battery at Fort Lewis Washington.
This is the mark of a person that NBC should be tested on:

“A grand jury indicted Casey Leon Shook in June 2011 on nine counts of sexual conduct with a minor, three counts of voyeurism, three counts of kidnapping, two counts of sexual abuse, one count of indecent exposure, one count of aggravated assault and one count of threatening and intimidating a person.”

Send him to Fort Dietrich or wherever they do crazy chemical shit nowadays and give this guy electric shock therapy and cyanide gas. Or practice with that drone defeating laser by targeting that thing between his legs before someone else gets hurt.

Shitbag.

Seed 3 v. 14

 3) Cornelius Davis, Smadge says what?, (Unknown until FOIA)

CLAIM: Sergeant Major, Bronze Star, Silver Star.
TRUTH: Army says “Nevah heard of you”.
According to some folks, this guy is just “learning disabled.” Um. Ok. But that defense only ranks 3rd behind “The NPRC fires fahked me” and “my stuff was all Top Secret classified” on the list of defenses.
Aw hell, just watch the video:

 

14)  James Hoskins, “Mess with the hair, you get the horns”, (Unknown)

CLAIM: SEAL, Ohio State Buckeyes fan
TRUTH: Magic Hair Ball says: nope.

Dude, did you really claim to have trained Marcus? You dumb sumbitch.

 

OK, hopefully this works:

Category: Politics