“Eat ‘Em, G**damn It – They’re Better That Way”
People talk about Army cooks all the time. But truth be told, it’s a fairly rough job – and an essential one.
Yes, the conditions are fairly easy compared to some specialties. But based on what I’ve observed as a non-cook over the years, the hours are damned long, the work doesn’t seem to be that much fun, and it’s pretty thankless.
And having a decent chow hall can be make-or-break for a unit, morale-wise. The old saying, “An Army marches on its stomach,” is in the final analysis true. If the troops don’t eat, pretty soon they won’t be marching – or fighting.
Still, as a group cooks tend to be . . . well, let’s just say that many of them seem a bit “ASVAB-challenged”. And some of them seem to be flat-out freaking crazy as well. I remember one unit mess sergeant telling me that he went out for a night of partying once, got into his car with a couple of ladies and a buddy or two, gave someone else the keys, and passed out in the back seat after talking about going somewhere in New York – then woke up some hours later somewhere on US15 in Pennsylvania, headed north.
He had to be at work later that day. Somehow they made it back in time. I didn’t ask how fast they drove to get there. (smile)
We also had a cook come to the unit one day on his off-duty time, point a pistol at the CQ (or maybe it was the CQ runner), and “dry fire” said pistol. That guy ended up PCSing to the crossbar hotel for a couple of years.
Still, the most outrageous cook story I ever heard or saw wasn’t either of those – or even this story. Rather, it was one related to me by another mess sergeant around the time of the two incidents above.
Disclaimer: I wasn’t there to see what follows personally, so the story could be bogus. Dunno.
But it’s still IMO worth telling. And since Jonn lets me post stuff here, well, you’re stuck with hearing it. (smile)
. . .
Seems the second mess sergeant I spoke of above had run a mess hall in Germany before coming back to CONUS. His mess hall in Germany had supported one of the GOs there.
At the time, the GO was senior enough to be authorized a personal cook; the guy was tapped to provide that cook from his mess hall. So he detailed one of his cooks – who was indeed a damn good cook – to be that General’s personal cook.
The General in question was reportedly a very decent fellow. But like everyone else he did have his idiosyncrasies. One of this General’s quirks was that he only ate fried or poached eggs.
The first day, the new cook made breakfast for the General. He took it to the General, and served the General’s his breakfast – a nice, big American-style breakfast, well presented on the plate, complete with a big serving of hot, fresh cooked eggs.
Scrambled eggs.
The General frowned. He turned to the cook and said, “I guess nobody told you.I only like my eggs fried, or poached.”
The cook answered back. His alleged reply is the title of this article.
Afterwards, the guy was no longer cooking for the General.
It also seems that the guy wasn’t merely “ate up with the dumb@ss”, or trying to get out of the assignment (or the Army). As the story was told to me, the cook was sent for mental evaluation after the incident – after all, he’d have to be freaking crazy to talk to a GO that way, right?
Well, it turned out the shrinks found the guy really did have mental issues that he’d been hiding (or that his buddies had helped him hide). The guy was sent back to CONUS posthaste. I think he was discharged from the Army not long afterwards.
Still, I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall when that cook told the General that scrambled eggs were better. The look on the GO’s face on hearing that had to have been priceless.
Category: Pointless blather, Who knows
I’m stealing this one from the Brits-what’s the hardest school in the Army? The cooks course, no one has ever passed.
I’m a little disappointed, how come the phonies are never high speed cooks and mess hall specialists? Always gotta be Ranger/SF/DELTA/SEAL.
Retiring at 20 was an easy decision once the personnel chief told me I could stay on AD as a food service warrant after club warrants were phased out. That would have been too much like work only without the wild women and booze. The SF and warriors get a lot of deserved credit but the food service grunts are the unsung heroes.
Allegedly, submarine food is supposed to be the best. This is what is known as a lie. They are, however, some of the most creative folk I’ve met.
Like the cook who, when asked to make a garbage (everything) omelet, actually got some garbage from the wet bag. Or the cook, when asked why there was never any cereal for breakfast, replied, “Why? The crew will just eat it!”
Or the time about 70 days into an op, one enterprising gent attempted to “substitute” the lack of tomato sauce and paste and spices for spaghetti sauce. His unique solution? Ketchup and corned beef hash.
I could go on for days, but it’s time for breakfast.
If you won’t eat a well-made corned beef hash and ketchup spaghetti sauce,
You aren’t really hungry.
Endless Beef Yakasoba, Pork Adobo, and my all time favorite, Peanut Butter glazed Ham.
We actually went back for seconds and thirds with the ham…just so we could throw it away so it didn’t show back up at Midrats. Give the MS LPO credit, he got the message with the ham. We never saw it again.
Ketchup and CBH? Now I’m hungry.
Not too big of a problem now in the Army. Almost all of the chow halls are now DFAC`s run by the lowest bidder civilian contractor. I haven`t seen a cook in uniform since I cam back after a long tour with the 1st Civ Div, House Bn, Couch Plt. Boiled thin sliced lunch meat called ham steak and the water its boiled in called gravy served over 1/4 cup minute rice and creamed yesterdays corn was the full menu at Camp Robinson in Akansas.
I remember my first Duty Station straight out of OSUT (Korea) where in our Camp, the cooks typically worked from around 0430 to 18-1900. To them, going on field problems meant they’d get more sleep than they did in garrison! Stateside, they didn’t have it much better, they worked every holiday we had off.
When we were in Haiti in 1994-95, our FOB was way, waaaay out in the boonies (Gonaives, about 100 miles from Cap Hatien and Port au Prince, where the “big” garrisons were) and our cooks were first rate. We had a vet on staff who would verify that the local animals were healthy enough to eat and – presto, fresh chicken and goat (don’t recall seeing any pigs there but then again I was pretty much confined to the FOB.)
It does make a huge difference in morale. The first month we were there, with no cooks, it was literally MREs 3x a day, which got old real quick. In fact, it was so bad that the Bn Commander and Bn Surgeon had to remind folks to eat. They would open a case of MREs in the morning and set it in the courtyard of our compound for anyone to take what they wanted, and by 1pm most of the MREs were still there.
I remember that first month. Nothing but MREs and warm water. My buddy and I got so backed up we started keeping score. We set the record with 7 days with no bowel movement. MREs suck.
My favorite mess hall meal was “midnight chow”. less people, breakfast fare and all you could eat. Being younger and able to eat all I wanted and never add an ounce I loved it. Two plates, one, bacon and two eggs over easy with hash browns and the second, two pieces of toast smothered with SOS. Three total trips for that through the line was a great way to head back to the barracks and get some sleep. Now, it would kill me and I would have nightmares and stomach cramps all night. But then, I could eat anything and had the digestion of a reptile I guess. I remember a SMS ahead of me in the chow line once. A short supply NCO, generally over compensating for his short stature and whatever else was bothering him that moment. He wanted his eggs scrambled easy. With insults and being a general ass hole he made the poor chow line cook redo them three times because they were “scrambled too hard for him”. He finally yelled for the mess hall NCOIC, a CMS. This guy, a BIG guy came out and the short shit tried to flip him crap. The mess hall NCOIC, looked at the eggs the cook had made and said “sarge those are scrambled as easy as they comes without being raw. You got a problem then don’t eat the sons of bitches or shove them up your ass but never EVER come in my mess hall and dress down one of my men. You got a problem with the cooking here you ask for me you got it sergeant!” So short shit tosses his plate and tray on down the slide, and left in a huff. I was next and asked for over easy as always and told the mess hall NCOIC, that his cook was doing a great service by me and he had done everything in his power to please the sergeant who left. The CMS said thanks and he knew the “ass hole from the Senior NCO Club and said “he’s a short shit,… Read more »
I was curious if a cook was ever awarded the MOH. I found one, amazing story.
http://civilwartalk.com/threads/15-year-old-johnny-cook-earns-the-medal-of-honor.75754/
Sounds almost like Johnny Shiloh.
http://writesong.blogspot.com/2013/10/johnny-shiloh.html
The best cook story I probably heard was from the cook/recruiter that put me back into the Army. When he was stationed in Korea , he told me that there was ONE cook working up on the retrans site Casey 3-9er (AKA Hill 754). Apparently they have the “smallest chow hall in the Army”. Seems this cook only got to come down off the hill for one weekend a month. In that 48 hr period he would piss away his entire months pay on booze, whores and junk from the PX. Even when I was stationed in Korea (5/20 Inf, Camp Casey) I doubt I could have blow my paycheck in one weekend.
Substitute in the GO and his cook in this very old GEICO commercial. Sorry…the video quality sucks on this.
Who (else) has gotten up at 0300 to be first in line to get DRO? Bet Hondo will win the prize (or at least know what DRO is).
I never did,but I do know what DRO is.
I was always the pots and pan man. Pretty well left to your own resources,nobody screwed with you,and the constant work made the time go so much faster. Plus some of it was outside work and didn’t have to stand over a stove or steam table. Ah,Pearl Diver,that’s the life for me.
My one and only time on KP I was pots and pans.
It was also my one and only time on a ship.
It was also my one and only time in a typhoon.
It was also my one and only time being so sea sick I could barely stand up.
Learned something though. Bile cuts grease real good.
Hondo was DRO at the Last Supper.
When CPL Christ signed in to his first permanent party outfit, I issued him his mattress and bed linen.
Nah, Jonn – I’m not that damn old. Yet. (smile)
I remember doing DRO(Also Known as Dining Room Orderly for the unwashed masses who probably don’t know what it means) in Basic training back in 1996.
It was the last time I ever did it, as KP was only done when we were in the field, and then just pots and pans detail. I remember we all wanted to do it, as it meant you went back to the rear to the motor pool to do it. And you got to sleep in your bunk and take a shower.
Sadly, that has gone the way of the dodo. Soldiers these days have it pretty damn easy! LOL
It’s an NG story, but when I first joined my FL guard unit, the company mess section was made up of cooks who were cooks in most of the best Cuban/Spanish restaurants in Tampa.
They won best company mess section four or five years in a row during the brigade annual two week training.
The time: Sep 1987. The place:FRG Who:1st Bn 12th INF,1st Bde,4th Inf Div. Why:The fall REFORGER of 1987.What: Our field mess gets the name of Papa Guidos’ Lasagna Parlor for the entire exercise. I’ll let you only imagine the details behind why we had to eat the same dinner T-Rats over and over and over.
I commanded a battalion Headquarters Company at Fort Campbell in the early 90’s. My mess team was excellent, actually competing at the Army level in baking. They also were smart, and discovered that presentation went a long way.
I discovered this when they were serving Paprika Chicken breasts in the MKT while we were in the field. I wondered how they had managed fresh chicken without my 1SG and me knowing they went to the rear for it.
Tray ration chicken breasts, pulled out of the trays and cooked on the grill with simple paprika added. That was also the meal they made fresh biscuits.
The troops raved.
Thanksgiving Day, Ft. Carson, 2001. Quick overview – Our whole troop had been on gate guard non-stop since the Sept. 11 attacks. The CO NG had finally relieved us, and we were supposed to go on a 4-day pass for Thanksgiving. We were getting everything finished up, including a sensitive items accountability. Turns out we were missing a set of NODs. Pass cancelled, whole troop is put on lockdown. (they were found about 3 months later in the ceiling of the assistant regimental supply NCO’s barracks room)
Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, lunch. The whole troop marches to the DFAC, where the SGM and SCO, SXO, etc, are serving lunch. We sit down to eat and watch part of a football game. About 10 minutes in, this E-5 cook walks in, grabs the remote, and switches the channel to the Oxygen channel.
An E-6 yells at him “hey dick, change it back we were watching the game.”
His response, “Fine, but at least I get to go home to my wife and family tonight.”
A few of the bigger guys in the room stand up ready to give the guy a much needed attitude adjustment, when the SGM sticks his head in the door and says “Specialist, we need to talk.”
The cooks says, “Sergeant Major, I’m not a Specialist.”
Sergeant Major replies, “you’re about to be.”
Some of the best chow I have ever eaten was cooked in a Mess Hall.
Whenever I was deployed during a major holiday ( Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Marine Corps Birthday) the Mess hall went out of the way to throw out a serious spread.
My last duty assignment I was the company 1st Sgt for Service Company at MCRD San Diego. It was for my last 6 months in, and I had been across the street as a 1st Sgt with a Recruit training company so it was like going from 100MPH down to 15 MPH as far as tempo.
One of the components of service company was the permanent personel mess hall. Like most of Service company the mess hall component had officers and NCOS that outranked the company chain of command.
I dealt with a lot of Master Sgts (E-8) and Master Gunny Sergeants (E9s). The Master Gunny at the Mess Hall was a great guy really dedicated to his job and his people. He had some good Marines he groomed, and some real Shitbags. One of them was a Corporal, who among other things tried to abscond with a rental car by saying it was stolen and run a prostitute ring out of the barracks.
It’s all relative.
Some country boys enlist, discover they’re getting 3 hots and a cot, 2 pairs of boots and a pair of low quarter shoes…they’re ready to re-up for 10 more years.
Two “good” Cook stories from my time at Drum
First one was two of our cooks were up partying in Kingston Ontario and decided to bring two underage hookers back to Drum. They approach the border and decide they all probably not get across with the ladies. So they park and decide to swim across the SLS. One of our cooks and one of the girls drown.
Second. Fast forward a few years and I’m the battalion S4 and in charge of food operations. CID comes in one morning and ask me to assemble all the cooks. They bring a civilian lady in and run a line up. She fingers one of my cooks as the robber. The dumbshit robs the gas station/convenience store, right outside the gate on his way into work that morning IN HIS COOK WHITES!
The cooks we had at COP Callahan in ’08-’09 were some of the laziest personnel I ever have had the dissatisfaction to meet. They used the KP detailed soldiers to do 99% of their job while they stayed in their office and played XBOX all day. At the end of our tour, all of the cooks somehow managed to get an MSM (for their dedication and long hours) where all of the combat soldiers (working four hours on and four hours off all day every day) only got an ARCOM.
Another good chow hall story only Army guys (and maybe our Marine brothers will get)
I spent almost 7 years in a joint Army-Air Force unit on a USAF base.
We were TDY one time on an Army base for some training. One of my buddies was an Air Force Captain who was a direct commission medical officer. He was also really big into weight training and high protein diet stuff.
So anyways we are in line for lunch at the chow hall and he wants a triple burger (which he would strip and only eat the patties). The cook keeps telling him he can’t have a triple. I tell him to order two doubles. Which he does and the cook happily complies.
The Generals Mess in Phouc Vinh was an old hospital. The green and white tile checkerboard floor was beautiful. Dinner was served on white tablecloths, silverware and china plates. Water glasses were laid out upside-down.
The Mess numbered about 32, being mostly Major and above, except fo a single Lt. (someones aide, attache, or favorite son)
Day One:
The Lt., being attentive to the table talk, accidentally forgot to turn over his glass and poured water onto its bottom. There was a roar of laughter from the Mess, and great embarassment for the Lt.
Day Two:
The next day only the glass of the Lt was right-side-up.
Everyone made a great show of turning their glasses right-side-up and filling with water. The Lt., (who will remain Nameless, yet remembered in unit history) looked over the room, made show of turning his glass and poured a pitcher of water onto the bottom of his glass.
The uproar was enormous.
April ’70
Thpmas C——- (Huxton)
Cook for the Generals Mess of
MG. Elvy B. Roberts
HQC 1St Air Cavalry
Phouc Vinh RVN
I cannot rate the Messhalls at Ky Ha,Phu Bai or Marble Mountain. The mission came first,your Helo had to up status and no missions . I can rate the mid rats for the three. They all sucked,acarton of warm milk,2 dry white bread sandwiches of red round w/cheese or chopped ham/cheese. No mayo or mustard. I forgot the apple or orange. The Air Force chow hall was outstanding,this was at Cubi Point, Pi Joe
My worst experiences with mess hall food was when they tried to serve it in the field.
When I was in 10th Marines we would go to Ft Bragg twice a year for Regiment fire-exs.
One particular trip they decided to let the S-4 and the Mess hall be the ones to deliver chow to te batteries, vice having the battery Gunny go pick it up.
This was a disaster. They continuosly got lost and were late. One time we had the evening meal show up at 2300, 5 hours late and cold. The next morning the chow was short, the entire breakfast consisted of an apple a carton of juice and strips of bacon per man.
Well, I have some stories about the cooks assigned to my unit, but to sum it up; I believe we had some of the best cooks in the Army. Good guys that were not only good cooks, but good men, also.
While waiting for our flight out of country in 2008, me and the few guys from my unit that were leaving that day decided to get chow at the BIAP (Sather AB) DFAC. In the middle of eating the IDF alarm started going off, to which we looked up, couldn’t hear any explosions, and so we kept eating like nothing was going on. Now this annoyed the Air Force TSgt who apparently was in charge of the DFAC that day, who went on to tell us that this was a drill and we were GOING to participate. So we all got on the floor (with our trays of food) and kept eating. This annoyed the little TSgt even more because now we were being unsanitary (we had just spent the previous 9 months living out of a burned out building). To which my XO (who may have been batshit crazy) started lowcrawling around the DFAC screaming everytime he got to one of us “ARE YOU OK? HAVE YOU BEEN HIT?”. Which annoyed the little TSgt even more to the point where she started yelling and cusssing at the XO right up to the point where she grabbed him on the shoulder when he rolled over and saw the railroad tracks on his chest. At which point she locked herself up and said “Sir, thank you for participating in our exercise, you can now leave the DFAC with your men.”
Maybe you had to be there, but we almost died laughing.
Sir, I salute you.
That was funny. No two ways about it.
When I first reported aboard NTTC Corry Station for EW “A” and “C” School in April ’93 the chow hall food was atrocious. Of course, while going through the line to receive our tray foulness we could observe the Mess Specialists back in the galley enjoying their meals…which seemed to consist of Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and the like.
Fast forward a few months, and the quality of the food did a 180. It became not only palatable, it was damn near gourmet.
It seems there was a new sheriff in town, a Master Chief Mess Specialist that had come to us for his “twighlight” tour before retiring, and this guy was definitely not on the ROAD program. His first directive was that the cooks had to eat what they were putting out on the mess line; no more serving crap and then sending someone out to get KFC.
Eventually we found out more about the MSCM that had made the chow hall the preferred pace to dine. Upon retirement, he was going to go back to doing what he was doing before he came to Pensacola: personal chef for George H. W. Bush.