Yer Friday Funny: An Open Letter to Urinal Operators Everywhere
Men’s public restrooms have urinals. The reason should be obvious. But in case anyone can’t figure it out: it’s kinda due to differences in physical configuration between men and women.
However, it seems some of the male gender have “issues” operating those relatively simple devices. Most men are already doing fine. But there are some out there that seem to need some additional guidance.
Guys, this is for you. Read and, if appropriate, heed.
. . .
Urinals are a fact of male life. But some oblivions* out there appear not to “get it” with respect to their operation, and make things unpleasant for the rest.
So, for the benefit of all, here are a few “rules of the road” for urinal operation. Take note, and follow them.
1. Watch your freaking aim. Most urinals are not floor-length console models. Aim accordingly.
A drip or two on the floor is on occasion unavoidable; ditto occasional splatter. Puddles, however, are bullsh!t and are unnecessary.
If you want to stand in a puddle while you take a whizz, go outside when it’s freaking raining. Otherwise, hit the freaking target. Hell, you’re shooting point-blank and have no excuse for missing.
(Don’t laugh, ladies. You’re shooting point-blank too – from even shorter range. And I’ve seen evidence that leads me to believe not all ladies have perfect aim, either.)
2. Pay attention to the business at hand (literally). Read the graffiti above the urinal after you’re done, not while taking care of business. While most can multitask, a few can’t aim while reading.
3. Toothpicks in the urinal are a bad idea. Some crabs have learned how to pole vault. Don’t give them the opportunity.
4. Similarly, cigarette butts don’t help either. The filters do nothing to filter out the smell. And the tobacco helps clog the damn things.
Besides, cigarette butts take forever to disintegrate. And enough of them will clog the drain, too.
5. TP has no business in the urinal. Don’t. Ditto coins, pens, combs, or anything else that’s not p!ss. (I guess spitting is OK if necessary.)
6. Speaking of clogs: if the freaking thing shows signs of being backed up – don’t freaking use it, and don’t freaking flush it either. Why? See #1 above regarding puddles. Instead, use another urinal – or the toilet.
7. Unless it’s broken or clogged, flush the damn thing when you’re done. Your p!ss doesn’t smell like lavender, Chanel, Old Spice, or Axe body wash, fella. It freaking stinks like p!ss. Flush afterwards.
And don’t give me that “I don’t want to touch the handle because other people have touched it after they touched themselves” bullsh!t, either. That’s why there’s a sink, soap, and paper towels in the damn bathroom.
And if there’s a problem, call maintenance to let them know. Don’t wait for someone else to do that.
8. Don’t even think about “dropping a deuce” in the urinal. Not even as a joke. Not funny.
9. Wash your hands afterwards. Others have to use the freaking bathroom doorknob/push plate, too. Besides, I might end up shaking hands with you later today.
10. Dry your hands afterwards. Even if it’s clean water, no one wants to mess with a wet door.
And hit the freaking trash can with your paper towels. They don’t improve traction in the bathroom when they’re lying on the floor.
Rant over.
. . .
*oblivion – a clueless tool of either gender who generally wanders around oblivious to the world around them
Category: Pointless blather, Who knows
You forgot the most important rule.
No talking.
+100! I just don’t talk to dudes in the restroom, kind of a rule I have.
I didn’t apply that rule at the concert a couple of weeks ago.
Another important one: urinal selection when multiple options are available.
If there are several urinals to choose from and one is currently in use, give the man some breathing room! It is never, ever acceptable to take the one immediately adjacent to somebody else unless there is no other option. Never crowd a man with his dick in his hands, period.
Here’s a great training aid I tried years ago:
http://gamescene.com/The_Urinal_Game.html
Hoo-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Just as important, keep your eyes focused in front of you, don’t be meat-gazing.
While the part of that can’t help watching a train reck wants to ask what promped the above posting. The rational, I can’t see something once seen, says just hand Hondo a fresh beer and walk away.
-Ish
Isnala: what prompted it? Straddling puddles on a regular basis and getting fed up about it.
You can either get angry or laugh. I chose to laugh. (smile)
Thanks Hondo for the article. While it was informative, it was also funny bringing back those restroom memories. 😀
(By the way, regarding the first post I added above, I HATE guys who talk to me at the urinal and I REALLY HATE…MEATGAZERS! Meatgazers deserve a good beat down while their still mid stream. I mean a good, put ’em on their knees, kidney shot! I HATE catching a guy eyeballing the AO when he should be attending to his own business!)
I completely agree was just curious if it was something specific to set you off or just limit reached. Either way…
(Ish hands Hondo a fresh beer)
Here’s the other part of that rant:
Guys who take a leak in the toilet, and don’t lift the seat. They seem to think it’s funny to piss all over the toilet seat, down the front of the toilet, and onto the floor.
If you need to take a dump and find the seat all covered with piss, etc, then I believe you should be absolutely justified in beating the oblivion within an inch of his life.
When my son was younger, I had to help him by cleaning off the toilet seat several times at different places we had visited. It’s gross and absolutely inexcusable to have to do this.
Just because it isn’t YOUR bathroom doesn’t mean you get to act like some middle eastern barbarian.
Middle eastern barbarians leave muddy footprints on the toilet seat.
That’s IF they even poop into the toilet, most of the remote FOBs in A-stan PROHIBITED Afghans from even entering the American Personnel Latrines, they’d crap right in the shower stalls once they went in!!
Proud…Right here in the good ole USA the local Federal Building had to put up signs in the restrooms. Seems those of Muslim persuasion were using the toilets AND especially the urinals to wash their feet before their “prayer” times. They’d just stick ’em up in the urinal and flush it to wash up. Seventh century modernism comes to America.
Hondo…Thank you for your insight to those who are clueless about urinals.
As an aside, my favorite graffiti follows:
“Please don’t put gum in the urinal…it makes it hard to chew.”
“Please do not eat the large white mints.”
And over the toilet on the ass gasket dispenser. “Free Cowboy Hats.” and “Free Mexican Shirts.”
No offense intended towards anyone or any group…just writing ’em like I read ’em.
“Obama Campaign Hats”
My favorite:
We aim to please,
You aim, too, please.
Janitorial Staff
I always use the urinal mint for deodorant if Phildo has not stolen yet.
I can confirm that if there is only one head available, we girls have to face the same problems, and there is nothing more annoying than wetting your drawers AFTER YOU DROP THEM.
I used to wonder what those things were on one wall of the gym when I was in high school.
Never have seen a thread about the adventures of the girls’ side. I don’t honestly know if the guys would laugh — or be horrified.
One of the responsibilities of my first summer job in high school was twice-daily cleaning of the public bathrooms. I was very unpleasantly surprised to find the worst horrors on the ladies’ side. This is not to say that there wasn’t some disgusting material in the men’s room, just…the HORROR!!
Toilet corollary: If you’re peeing into the toilet while standing, for God’s sake, LIFT THE SEAT FIRST! I’ve overcome my childhood squeamishness about sitting on a public toilet as long as the seat looks clean, but no one wants to sit on a toilet seat that’s covered in p1ss.
MrBill…thank you! A true gentleman always lifts and puts down the seat. That is what the sink and soap are for afterwards if you want to wash up…which as pointed out in the article should be a beat down offense for failing to do.
To add the above, don’t use the handicapped stall unless no other is open. I don’t care if you like to stretch your legs or enjoy the additional room. There’s usually only one stall available to people in wheelchairs and most can’t pull themselves out of their chairs to use a normal size stall. One day you might find someone like myself waiting outside the stall door, asking if your legs are broke and reminding you that mental illness is not considered a reason to use that particular stall.
I think if you’ll look closely, you’ll see that those stalls are “handicapped accessible,” not “reserved for the handicapped.”
I think, if you look closely, there are no other stalls that are accessible to those in wheelchairs.
Its not just for wheel chairs. They also have hand rails for those that are on crutches etc.
But OldCorpsTanker72 is right. If there are o other persons in the Handicap stall, its available for anyone to use.
I say this as someone who does have to use the HS. I don’t mind waiting a moment or two, but for the love of donuts, don’t freaking dawdle. Get in and get out.
Second toilet corollary: if of the XX genetic persuasion, it’s not mandatory but IS a good idea to double-check the seat status (up/down) before executing that “flying butt-leap” onto said toilet.
Porcelain is reportedly very cold when you sit on same. (smile)
…and the water is even colder!
I’m guessing you still “look before you leap” today, too. (smile)
“Cool Story Bro” time
When I was but a wee child, 7 or 8, my sister and I shared bathrooms. I had a half bath and she a full bathroom. Occasionally I would use *her* toilet rather than go all the way back to the “boy’s” bathroom.
One time I left the seat up.
ONE TIME….
She came in, in the middle of the night to use the “girl’s” bathroom, assuming that everything would be “just so”.
It. Was. Not….. “Splash One”…..
She came into my bedroom about 2 in the morning and dragged me out of bed, in my pajamas, screaming the entire time and *DUNKED* my ass in the open toilet.
*SPLASH TWO*
Rarely have I ever made that mistake again around women and that HAD to be like 45 years ago.
😀
You have a good older sister. She has spared you and the ladies in your life much grief, and given you a great story, in the bargain.
Valerie, Here-Here. There was only one sister and momma among six brothers and daddy. He, being in the military and momma being as hard line as he was about “little details”…we learned quickly, as in potty training quick, to put the seat down and LID. That way, if there was a mishap, at least momma and sis’ would sit on the lid and not in the water! So in kind, I taught our son. I still always do that to this day. I live with a happy wife! At least in that respect.
I learned early on to look where I was sitting before I sat down. It is a lesson that will come in handy to everyone, whatever your sex.
1. There are no Bluetooth Urinals yet, so NO HANDS FREE 😀
2. DO NOT place your sloshy bottle of beer/cocktail or a half-unwrapped cheeseburger on top of the urinal while peeing. THERE IS NO FOOD IN THE BATHROOM. 🙁
3. Try to not lean on the wall with your hand or SLAP the wall while PEEING.
4. If having to use the CHILDS urinal, Do NOT KNEEL down and CHECK your aim. No need for wet shoes, yours or everyone else.
5. Come on your Mental MIDGETS. Do NOT fall for the “Tap-On-The-Shoulder” gag.
6. Never. EVER. *SING*
7. NO GOING FOR DISTANCE. See Hondo on Rule Number 1.
8. Pennies, Nickles, Dimes and Quarters go in the WISHING WELL/Fountain. If you accidentally drop anything in the urinal, let it go man, cause it’s gone.
9. Do NOT Pull Down Your Pants To Piss. If you have to Nancy, then use a stall and sit like a girl. I don’t want to see your gorilla hairy legs or have to look at your FLABBY ASS.
10. Worse than speaking or eye contact is touching. Don’t do it. Ever. No patting, no handshakes, no high-fives, no fist-bumps, no rubbing, no touching! Only time you need to touch someone is if they break any of these rules and you need to give them a good slap in the face.
Re: #9 Dear God, what the hell is wrong with some people. I remember the first time I encountered that phenomenon (wish I didn’t!). I was sixteen, was at the mall seeing a movie with friends, had to take a leak. So imagine my shock when I entered the bathroom an beheld the following scene:
Middle-aged, 80-pounds-overweight, sandal-wearing stank-ass hippie, wearing a too-small Clinton-Gore Tshirt (when Slick Willie’s second term only had a few months to go), has dropped trou completely, like shorts resting on his toes. Tshirt is pulled up and tucked under his chin(s). He’s standing roughly four feet back from the urinal, with his hands on his hips and his chest thrust out like he’s proud of something. I absent-mindedly violated the No Talking Rule when, utterly appalled, I muttered, “What. The. Fuck?”
Suffice it to say, I found another place to do my business.
Never take a urinal next to another man unless it is the only one available AND he doesn’t look gay.
As for not dropping coins in a urinal, don’t be a spoil sport. I hear that some guys at a bar used to do exactly and take bets (quietly) as to whether the coin(s) would still be there after someone went in there. I hear it was a single urinal/single pot bar and great fun was had by all. The “take” would increase to see at what point some knucklehead would pluck the money from the pisser. That’s what I hear, anyway.
Very funny post. Just what I needed after 2 hours of Math homework. That, and the fact that the rat bastard Shinseki is finally out made my day a little happier.
If you ever heard a voice say loudly, “Jeez. This place smells like a shithouse” that was me. Also, if you’ve ever been in a shitter when the lights inexplicably went out, that was me too.
At the old Wing Command Post Men’s Can which had no windows, it was the usual joke when a few of us from the shop would head there on the way to the pop machine, to turn the lights off if you were the first or other than last one out. Until the day, no one checked the stalls and turned out the lights on the Wing Commander. I mean when those lights went off, it was blacker than three feet up a bull’s ass in there. You couldn’t see your feet! Much less anything else, especially if you were “truly clean” or not. After the memo came around about the trouble ahead for anyone caught turning them off…it didn’t work. It still happened. Next step…base electricians came over and removed the light switch and they stayed on all the time.
Oh, and when you’re finished peeing – give your weiner a couple of quick shakes and put it immediately back in your pants. Not that I ever look, but if in my peripheral vision a guy slowly pulls his weiner out to its full length, shakes it, then repeats two or three more times, it’s hard not to notice – or get creeped out.
Quit spitting into the urinal…what is it with these guys that immediately start spitting when they hold their dick? …oh wait.
My dad said “we are outnumbered, 4 to 2, so put the seat down. My wife said that was the best advice he could have given me. BZ
Or the ever important if there are more than one urinal open please do not pick the one right next to me. Also, there is no need for a parade rest stance while at the urinal.
Here’s tip for those in Penn Station or Port Authority bus terminal shithose users. If you must go in one of those places, go for the distant urinal, stand there for a full five second count and, if no one approaches you, then, and only then, do your business.
Definitely no cigarette butts in the urinal – it makes ’em soggy and hard to light.
Personally, I think that there ought to be step stools in every public restroom, just as some of us have at home. I hate when I accidentally dip.
Thanks. Thursday. Veal.
What, 2/17 Air Cav – do you climb in to “take care of business”? (smile)
2/17 Air Cav I feel ya man! But…not in a gay or Navy way! 😀
11. And for you creative types, if there’s a picture of Obama in the bottom of the urinal:
http://dragonlaffs.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/image_thumb2113.png
DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, act on the urge to draw a Hitler mustache on it. OK, OK, if you simply must then toss the pencil or pen or you may otherwise end up stirring your coffee with it.
“Hell, you’re shooting point-blank and have no excuse for missing.”
Women don’t understand this, but I’m surprised to see a man miss it: Take a garden hose, hold it over a bucket, now turn it on. What happens in the first few seconds? You spilled a few drops short on the pavement, didn’t you?
If we could turn it on at off at full pressure, sure.
Fen: that’s why urinals are designed so you can “overhang” the target by standing reasonably close while taking care of business in order to avoid leaving puddles (and most drips) on the floor. (smile)
So, does this mean that pissing contests are out entirely? My favorite was getting it going and walking backwards away from the urinal. A good arc was the key to success. Well, that, a full bladder, and no cross traffic.
Hondo…Yep the “parade rest, leaned forward, one hand on the wall”, is a no go.
However to 2/17 Air Cav…when I was younger and given to drink, I would go for the big ark and distance record. But only while ALONE, I learned. Nothing like being drunk and pissing on the back of another dudes leg when you miss. Fist fights are bad enough. A fist fight in the latrine, gets nasty in more than the usual ways.
I, for one, find the Hanoi Jane urinal target stickers both entertaining and a handy aim point.
The two words nobody wants to hear while they’re standing at a urinal:
Nice cock!
NHSparky…that’s when you know you stumbled into the WRONG bar.
Surprised you missed this one, which I have unfortunately encountered several time recently in public restrooms: Don’t answer your f’n cell phone in a bathroom!
Bad enough to think you’d do it in private, but in a public restroom it’s wrong on all kind of levels.
Hondo you are a pisser!
Another thing: pass a toe tap signal, even if you’re drunken ass means it as a joke, and you’re a dead man. That comes from this incident: I was at my cousin’s graduation dinner at a nice restaurant and was using the damn urinal when some six foot five gorilla comes in next to me, crowds me, and starts tappin’ away. I pulled up my pants and got the fuck out of there. I was in fifth grade then, and I didn’t really know what just happened, and for some reason I didn’t say anything; I guess I felt safe when I was back with my cousins. That little incident scared me away from urinals until last year. And that is why I aim to kill anybody who does that ever again. Story over.
Ooohhh, the infamous “wide stance!” Run far, run fast, use any means necessary to deter pursuit, and be ready to return fire.
Are you sure you didn’t meet VWPissant in person? Because attempting to molest a child in a public bathroom sounds right up his/her/its alley.
The Other Whitey…Yes, of a dude touches my foot with his, the fight could well be ON!
Hondo~
Thanks for the rules of the Urinal for Males.
However, I feel we must have some for the Female Variety.
Females~
1. You are not a frigging Hover Craft. If you are so afraid of the creepy crawlies, line the seat with the provided paper barriers.
2. “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat”.
3.Feminine product disposal containers are provided in all stalls and are reachable from the sitting position. USE THEM! No one wants to see that EVER.
4. DO NOT yap on your phone. If you do that while I am in there doing my business, I will make sure to make ALL sorts of unpleasant retching noises loud enough to be heard into the Men’s room,
5. YOU ARE NOT A HOVER CRAFT…SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!
…and if you bring children into the restroom with you, and into the stall with you, keep aholt of the little buggers so they don’t crawl under the divider into the next occupied stall!
May I add into this one? Please do not try to have a heart to heart talk while I am “busy”!
A very nice, Indian ob-gyn taught me about this, after I moved to Chicago and caught pelvic inflammatory disease, probably from using the public (yes! if it’s in a private office, it is public!) toilets: Do not hover, it makes splash back (i.e., chance of infection) worse. Sit down. Do not use those stupid paper thingies. Instead, flush twice. Flush BEFORE you sit, and then again, after you are done.
Due to an Act of Congress reducing volume of flushing, our toilets do not flush clean. The first flush gets rid of the last person’s germs. If you get splashed, the water is clean.
I continue to do it every time I am in public, and I never had to deal with that kind of illness, again.
Good advice Valarie, and for all women, if you have been sick, TRIPLE flush sheesh! THEN wash your hands!
When I take a leak, I think of Phildo’s face.
Evidently Hondo has recently visited the Fort Benning CDID latrine.
On rule # 8 concerning # 2.
Has anyone in this room ever encountered this as a SDNCO/CQNCO. I did once while in progress at Bragg. Lots of paper work we hade an official shit house guard for 30 nights after work and weekends till midnight. That troop got real tired of cleaning up for his buddies. But what go’s around comes around poop also.
Reposting at the bottom so it doesn’t get lost in the shuffle.
=============
Here’s a great training aid I tried years ago:
http://gamescene.com/The_Urinal_Game.html
Hoo-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
However this subject plays out I do wonder something. If in the night, I go to ALL the trouble to be sure the seat and lid are down, why is it so hard for my wife to simply give a quick “feel” to be sure it is? When I came home from surgery and was on pain meds, the last thing on my mind after “going”, the first being getting off my replaced knee and back to bed, was if the seat was up or down. I did forget a few times. I STILL heard about it. I mean, WAKE ME UP, to tell me I had forgotten about it! No slack I tell you, no slack! Not even post-op and on big time, mind numbing, pain medicine in the middle of the night! Please ladies, sometimes a little mercy goes a long way.
On a similar note, Sparks. I underwent 2 cervical fusions and spent a lot of time in a cervical collar afterward. The surgeon told me that for the first two weeks at home, I was to go nowhere without a collar. He went so far as to direct me to put the collar on before I rolled out of bed to go to the bathroom.
It’s nigh on to impossible to put the seat and/or lid down if you’re configured that way. One night I didn’t do so, and heard about it for 2 days. So, being the kind-hearted guy that I am, if I made the night time trip, I made sure to drop the seat, then the lid.
We finally worked out a compromise, the wife decided to sleep downstairs.
UpNorth…The best thing I ever found and they are in all the bathrooms now were, Bemis Quiet, Soft Close, Toilet Seat. You just give them a shove and they softly and quietly, with no slamming, settle back onto the porcelain.
When I retired, and became a dreaded contractor, the old guys always asked me if I had been “fixed” yet? No explanation, just the question.
About 4 months later, I walked into the latrine and there is a guy, in his mid-50s, standing at the urinal, with his pants and shorts down around his ankles. Butt in the breeze. Needless to say, I made a hasty retreat. When I told a coworker what was going on, he explained that I was now “fixed”. The culprit’s last name was Fix.
In the early 60s in Germany public pissers were often tiled walls with a trough at floor level. Through trial and error you learned distance and “angle of the dangle” to minimize splash. Once, at a bar, I was so surprised to find urinals mounted on the tiled wall that I failed to completely examine the setup before use. The urinals weren’t connected to anything and simply emptied into the trough at floor level. Upon finishing my business I was annoyed to find I had pissed all over my Hush Puppies.
CC Senor: You returned me to another time. I recall the trough pissers, not in a distant land, but certainly a foreign one: New York. I also recall, now, sawdust on the floors of some saloons. And, believe it or not, family in Queens had an original water closet abover the toilet with the pull-down chain flusher, just like in the Godfather behind which Mike’s revolver is taped.
Remember in the Army when you had all of the Uralysis’s?
The GD meatgazer, er I mean “Piss NCO” that would crowd into the urinal with you and watch you piss into the cup?
And some of those bozos would breath heavy.
Don’t let the job consume you folks.
Green Thumb…Yes I remember in the early 70’s when the piss testing started. Two or three punch cards a week would show up for our shop. If one was yours you went directly over to the UA facility in the hospital. There was the “odd” Piss NCO type meatgazer who made it is “duty” to almost hold it for you to be sure you were in the up and up. You’re right, there’s doing your job and then there’s liking it “way too much” Queers!
Soon to be pointless article. Hagel to decree all urination must be from the sitting position, both on base and off, to deter hetero male elitism in the newly diversified armed services (to include Coast Guard ). Aided and abetted, of course, by the sitting Joint Chiefs.
I am not a urinal user. It’s just not my thing. Now, I don’t sit down when I need to use the restroom unless I bloody well have to, but believe you me that I will take having walls over having none.