Justice Ginsburg Regional – Round One
As we wrap up our last Regional of the first round, don’t forget to give back to the actual veterans of the Global War on Terrorism who gave so much by donating to Soldiers Angels Valour IT – Team Army. Next week we will be honoring another small non-profit that deserves your attention.
1 Herbert “Cav Secret Squirrel” Williamson v.
16 Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder
WILLIAMSON: This may be the only Stolen Valor guy I know of who claimed to be a CW2. (“Stolen Valor, not just for Generals anymore!”) Earning a Distinguished Flying Cross in 1971 as a scout helicopter pilot is almost the same as serving in the CT National Guard working as a communications wireman at the rank of private first class. One you are in this shithole place where everyone smells bad, and the other you are in Viet Nam. (I kid, but come on, how can you be that close to Massachusetts and not make a break for the border.)
POUNDER: Heh. Seriously dude. Can you imagine this guy in BUDs? “Look out, there’s a Sperm Whale!” “No, that’s Gunny Bratwurst dogpaddling.” Millions and Millions served indeed.
8 Paul “PTSD Counselor” Schroeder v.
9 Asleigh “Shrapnel slit my throat” Martel
SCHROEDER: “One day in the middle of the afternoon, I’m sitting on my sofa. I’ve got a drink in one hand and a .45 in the other. I wasn’t sure which shot I was going to take next.” You chose the wrong one. I guarantee you damaged more brain cells with the drink, even if it was Kool Aid. On a side note, how many people did he tell this story to without anyone going, “Dude, that story is redonkulous!” Once again my lifelong hatred of MPs is justified. FWIW Schroeder, I always thought you had a touch of the Ghey when you wouldn’t hook up with Lucy van Pelt and instead hung out with Linus.
MARTEL: From a certain angle at one point I thought she was kind of cute, and then it hit me…she looks like the female version of the dude from Happy Gilmore that took a nail to the grape (Mr. Larsen). Which I gotta tell you is totally not hot. I’d love to hear her say “And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot” but with her throat slit like it is, I guess I’ll just have to imagine it. I think I’d rather wake up with Charles Martel, and he died 1300 years ago.
5 Jacob “read my plates bitch!” Cruze v.
12 Albert “Sensei Dick Munch” John
CRUZE: You look like a celebrity doing a Poligrip ad. You related to Penelope Cruz? You have the same “can eat Corn on the cob through chickenwire fencing” teeth. Haven’t seen choppers like that since The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. (This does not give you permission to claim you jumped on top of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to save your entire regiment.)
JOHN: An awards clerk got an MSM, I haven’t been this shocked since Ellen came out. He claims he’s the “Bladed Weapons Offensive and Defensive Instructor” at the “Street Smart Self Defense School.” Bladed weapons my aching arse, the closest he got to a bladed weapon is when he and his friends were reenacting scenes from Zorro the Gay Blade. If he’s so badass with a katana, what in the hell is he hunting in the corn field with an Uzi or whatever the hell that is? Some sort of Ninja Raccoon?
4 Dave “Tiger Hunter” Groves v.
13 Micaiah “Marine Terrorizer of OWS” Dutt
GROVES: Deep blue hero stuff… “He was starved and tortured for six months until eluding his guards and hiding in the jungle for two weeks. He was finally able to contact U.S. Marines and reunited with U.S. forces. Groves is the recipient of three Silver Stars, three Bronze Stars and two Crosses of Gallantry.” Did you snare small animals with your moustache? You know what I find most awesome… I know the guy that busted him, Terry Schow, executive director of the Utah Department of Veterans affairs, and I’ve never once heard Terry mention he was SF (he was apparently.) Quiet professionals don’t look like shitbag homeless guys at awards ceremonies. You can bank that one.
DUTT: “I was a terrorist, I terrorized people. Women hid from me.” Same shit with me brah! I was once known as the “Carlos the Jackal of the dance floor.” Seriously, I would take the floor in my MC Hammer Pants at Hennessy (3263 M Street, Georgetown, DC) and chicks would go to Crazy Horse next door. Children too. Sometimes stray marsupials. I was like a weaponized ball of retardation on the hardwood. But I atoned for it. You can to. Now, stop being a little pissant and stay off the mic. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
3 Paul “Prince Chumming” Tillson v.
14 Brian “Pound me in the ass Prison Bitch” Culp
TILLSON: Actual ribbons….four. But in these pictures he kind of looks like William Sadler, the guy that played the bad guy (Colonel Stuart) in the second Die Hard movie. Well, he would if that dude had a lobotomy and a sort of slack jawed jackass look. Actually, he looks exactly like the same actor in The Green Mile (“Alexandre Dumb Ass”) but that reference is obscure. Which is relative because you probably didn’t get most of the previous 58 references. Also, Tillson’s wife has huge breasts. Look! Melons! (That is Elvish for “Friend”.)
CULP: “He also falsely claimed he was wounded while part of the 1993 Army Ranger rescue mission in Somalia made famous by the book and movie “Black Hawk Down.” I think everyone was in that fight, even my cabbie from yesterday (he may not have been on our side, that wasn’t clear.” But, there are clearly more fat white dudes claiming to have been in Mogadishu in October of 1993, than there has been fat white dudes in Mogadishu since the time of Solomon running his mines there. Also, this guy is a ginger, and they have no souls.
6 Ken “Tri-recycled 18B Wannabe” Aden v.
11 Richard “Senator Dickenthal” Blumenthal
ADEN: Phony SF, wanna be Congressman.
BLUMENTHAL: Phony tour in Viet Nam, is a Senator.
7 Jasper Land “My moustache alone is SF qualified” Holland v.
10 Leo “Half my Squadron Died” Webb
HOLLAND: What can you say about a man with a moustache like that? It reminds me of a school board meeting I went to and I heard a fabulous speech: “Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gon’ have a puppet show, we gon’ have some jazz. No I’m just kiddin. We have some business to take care of. I’m sorry I’s pulled ya’lls legs. I’m just a little excited cause I met somebody today! Someone in the bookstore! Someone who likes the same kind a literature I do! Oh and the adventure begins again!”
WEBB: “I killed all these people and watched half my squadron die. I’m a mess. I struggle every day. The Army taught me to drink.” Sure man, that was a whole chapter in the Common Task Training Manual – Skill Level Two for 11B20’s. I think it was right after the chapter on how to use a knife and a T-Shirt down at Fort Polk to improvise toilet paper when the shit suck truck gets taken out in the box. I had to drink A LOT to forget about coming out of the field with only a T Shirt necklace. I was ahead of the curve though, I figured out how to drink early, but never could wean myself off drinking with a nipple attached to the bottle. Which is probably why I never made CSM. Now, if you’ll excuse me, My Little Pony is on.
2 David Garcia “Not so Trusty” Diaz Jr v.
15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” Oliver
DIAZ: The only thing more pathetic than faking a Silver Star is giving it to some homeless people as a photo op. Again, this guy actually took money from a non-profit dedicated to helping our Homeless Brothers and Sisters. Who does stuff like that? And again with the crappy moustache. Also, who fakes themselves into a Ranger Battalion with a Purple Heart and doesn’t give themselves a CIB? For shame sir, for shame!
OLIVER: Ironically, our Bios end with our most recent dirtbag, who surprisingly also has a crappy moustache. And a pony tail. And was Delta. And likes to play with toy guns. And is named “Gabryal” or something. He HALO’d into Kandahar with hundreds of other Delta guys. “It was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear.” Rather like an attractive woman might feel at Comic-con I would imagine. Dude may have a case of lycanthropy too because that pony tail grew in like a year if his bio is accurate.
Now, Go Vote my Minions, vote your brains out!
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Category: Politics
What office did Rush run for? I thought we were talking about people running for elected office….for that matter, when did Cheney or Rush lie about their military service?
Great round! In this one, the match up I had trouble deciding who to vote for is Schroeder vs Martel. Ended up going with Martel because she seems slightly douchier. Also, we have to consider Title IX and keep some females in the tourney.
No. 52:
Oh No !! — Femi-NAZI’s rioting in the streets, again .
Hey Jonn, I’m glad to see that Diaz was actually a phony like I thought! My douche radar was going off full bore when I sent you the link to the FB story with him in it.
Dr. Brett, Et Alia:
I had a cyst in the very same place Rush Limbaugh did, and boy, was it ever painful.
But, soaking in hot sitz baths was prescribed, and fortunately, it worked.
I’m glad it didn’t keep me out of the Army.
Can you imagine what it must feel like to know that your country is at war, and the recruiter tells you that you CAN’T ever be a soldier?
I was devastated and heart-broken when I wasn’t allowed to enlist in the United States Marine Corps.
But, I volunteered for the draft, and that got me into the United States Army!
That’s why I like that movie, “BABY BLUE MARINE”, because it’s about a guy who washes out of Marine boot camp, but later on, gets to serve honorably in the Army.
We had a couple of guys get dismissed from the Army during Basic Training, and I knew a guy at church who washed out of Marine boot camp.
Can you imagine how those guys must suffer, what disappointment they must feel, how ashamed or embarrassed?
I’m glad I made it, but I almost didn’t.
In fact, I’m surprised I did as well as I did.
Dr. Brett:
I think Hollywood made being a Viet Nam veteran suddenly so popular.
Ive got Webb making it past two rounds before falling to tillson. I dont know why but it just seems like ive bumped into at least ten guys just like Webb in my 8 years in the army. All im thinking is ” dude im not gay. Why are you trying to impress me so much with your nonsense stories?”. I was about to deploy to iraq for the first time and my friend from high school told me to my face in a bar that my unit was negotiating with him to re-up so he could deploy with us. I was in an airborn infantry unit in Georgia and he was kicked out of the army for stealing radios as a PFC in Hawaii. We all called him black cobra. He showed me the knife he killed 12 guys with once. I cant stand these poser dbags
@57
Tillson has the shitbagginess to make a deep run.
Someone give me an answer to this question:
What the hell is so DISDAINFUL about being a mere Vietnam-ERA vet?
Nothing, as long as you are CLEAR about the point you 1–never went to Vietnam, 2–never had anyone going “BANG” at you in a bad way.
Personally, I don’t think I’d call myself a Vietnam-era vet had I served then, just as I don’t call my self a Desert Storm-era vet because even though I was serving then, I never went within 5000 miles of the Gulf.
I’m all in for Tillson. He used his awesome death defying career to bag a chick with giant hooters. Way better than any Delta Halo into Bosnia or Ranger assault on a hidden mountain fortress. Did I mention his wife has gazonga’s?
No. 56:
Perhaps — but in the process, Hollowwood LIED THROUGH THEIR FANGS, and did much damage to the reputations of fine men .
No. 59:
I would have been pleased as punch, so to speak, NOT to have gone to the war zone, but my MOS was “critical,” so they ordered me there .
I have ZERO disdain for “era” personnel — I have GIANT disdain for the evil gov’t which invented the term — do you hear about WWII-“ERA” veterans ??
@63, not as such, but they were mostly WACS, WAACS, and WAVES, filling in at home for men sent to the front lines. But you’re right — they have never been labeled WWI-era vets.
And since it seems to cause confusion now if I leave off ‘era’, I use that term. I also keep my boot camp dogtags on my keychain. They have my blood type and religion on them and my driver’s license doesn’t, so why not?
@64
I would recommend that you use a personal feminine hygiene product to keep your PH-2 balance in line and within this “ERA” of false stated service and self-promoting bullshit.
As long as you served honorably, you are good.
Why should it become an issue?
@65 “why should it become an issue” — which is the entire point of this blog, that people who served in any capacity don’t have to be in a firefight to be vets.
When the Vietnam war was reported by people who had never seen or been in a war zone, unlike those who were with the troops during World War II and Korea and knew what was going on, the 1960s-1970s crowd were shocked to their souls by the aggressiveness of the fighting and the horrifying things that they saw. They made it unpopular. They blamed the troops for everything.
In the 1990s, when VietNam vets began to pull together, they made an “issue” of it and took the stigma out of it, but they also distinguished between those who were in country and those who were not. It wasn’t the government that did that, it was the vets themselves.
I think it’s only an issue now when someone like Dumbass Witlessfield who was actually in country spices up his record, or someone who was in the service but fibs about where and when.
And just so you understand, PH2 means Photographers Mate 2nd Class (E-5).
Roger that.
Seriously,
Where are all these people found? I’d like to hear ‘what’ exactly they did/claim etc etc on top of the justified cut down—-screw these guys. I’m pulling for Nathan Seal this year….