Today’s News Sep 21: Abandon Hope all Ye Who Enter Here!

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate!

Wait a minute….so this chick threatened to molest the neighbor’s dog, and now we let her near our bovine?  Seems a bit like hiring Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy to be your kindergarten teacher doesn’t it?   Also, are we entirely certain stupidity doesn’t melt steel?

 

 

Just kidding, we should applaud Rosie and the Dog Molester here.  What the picture doesn’t adequately show is that this was the line at MEPS.  I’m assuming from the girth that they are going Air Guard or something.  Andy Dick was standing right in front of them looking for a few good men with seamen.

Yup, yesterday was the great coming out day.  Some dude told his dad via video from Germany, and I told my dad I was rooting for the Yankees.  Apparently one of us was proud.

Heard in the barracks yesterday:

Soldier 1:  Is that guy a gay?

Soldier 2:  Nope, it’s just Chuck Testa.

Soldier 1; How about that guy?

Dave Hester:  Yuuup!

 

As expected, yesterday was a madhouse, a veritable frenzy of buggary, feather boas and leather chaps.  And the lines at recruiting centers were so long that well-dressed physically fit males were turned away in droves.  Well, either that or virtually nothing happened.  One or the other.

 Back to the dog molesting thing, from the “Dude, what is wrong with you people” file:

 The Chinese government has banned a traditional carnival in the east of the country in which dogs are eaten after being chopped up alive in the street following a public uproar that the festival was cruel, state media reported on Wednesday.

If there is one immutable fact in life, it is that Nick Cage is an omni-present, time travelling, supernatural being.  When last we encountered him, he was fighting off a naked man with a fudgecicle.   Then he was appearing in a picture from 1870 (which I think they stole from the movie 12 Monkeys):

 

The wife was watching the news on the treadmill this morning and noticed that he also looks like murdered Savannah Police Dept. Officer Mark Allen MacPhail. 

 

I am generally speaking opposed to the death penalty, but it appears that Officer MacPail’s murderer will be assuming room temperature tonight.  

Attorneys for Georgia death row inmate Troy Davis are filing a last-minute appeal to halt his execution later in the day.  Defense attorney Brian Kammer tells The Associated Press he will file the appeal in Butts County Superior Court, south of Atlanta, when it opens later Wednesday.  The appeal asks a judge to block the execution. It argues that ballistic testing that linked Davis to the shooting was flawed.

I’d rather see the guy spend the rest of his days living in a tent in Alaska moving snow from one place to another, which would seem worse than death, but that’s just me.  Either way, can we all agree at this point that Nic Cage is freaking us the eff out?

From the world of sports….

First, congratulations are in order for Aevin Dugas!  (Yes, Afro-growing is every bit as much a  sport as soccer.)

36-Year-Old Aevin Dugas, a social worker from New Orleans, Louisiana owns the record for the largest natural afro in the world. The 12 year old afro has a circumference of 4 feet 4 inches and gets caught in car doors, bumps into drinks and limits her driving.

 

The Boston collapse is killing me.  Just look at Sunday, no matter what they tossed out there it wasn’t working.  Just error after error.  They lost their captain, but that didn’t seem to hurt as one might think.  And now they are out.  And now it is down to Cali and Cleveland.  I’m referring (of course) to Roxy’s Gourmet Grilled Cheese and their exit Sunday from the Great Food Truck Race.  I don’t know anything about food trucks mind you, but it just seemed they were charging too little for their sandwiches.   Either way, cancel the Duckboat parade.  (But if you live in the area, go get yourself the world’s best grilled cheese.)

 

The Patriots….man-o-brady!  I haven’t seen an offensive juggernaut/no huddle/ “all or nothing”/ goal focused assault like that since I witnessed VTWoody trying to close the deal with a midget at a bar in Fayetteville back in ’05.  Just exhausting the defense FTW.  And, I haven’t seen a goal-line stop like that since VTWoody discovered that his prospective paramour was a hermaphrodite.  (Just kidding of course, that thing wasn’t a midget, in fact, I think it might have been Lawrence Taylor in drag, and he didn’t stop s/him.)  I never thought these words would be spoken, but the Pats/Bills game next week could have real implications. 

 Also, I would like to thank everyone on my fantasy team that made this the worst showing by a fantasy team since Manos: The Hands of Fate.  In 2 weeks thus far my defenses have combined for negative 6 pts. 

To the Red Sox…Jim Mora called to talk Sawks with me last night….

It may be time for a trial separation between us. This just isn’t working anymore. I’m giving you a week.

 

ADDED: A tale of Cause and Effect has been submitted by Brown Neck Gaitor.

Cause:

Category: Politics