The Bullying of America

I recently had a conversation with a friend who is the definition of Conservative American. This person is not particularly political, is not a news junkie and rarely shares overtly incendiary memes or comments on his rare forays into the social media jungle. I’ve witnessed him skillfully extricate himself from conversations that turn political at backyard-type gatherings without ruffling feathers, an admirable feat, particularly amongst those determined to cast everyone they know as an ally or foe. This man comes off as genuinely kind and considerate, and if not liked at least tolerated by those with whom he disagrees. Mostly because they are left unsure of his opinions.

My friend and I are near polar opposites. With me, there is no question where I stand. While I too frequently disengage from politically charged social interactions, and I too do so with kindness and consideration, the fact I disagree is not lost. Some take offense at not being able to dissuade me of my opinion or convince me of theirs. I honestly support their right to a different opinion, which frequently has the effect of intensified efforts to persuade me to their side. But as I defend their right to their views, I also maintain my right to my own. And for too many, that is an offense. Oh, well.

In a rare moment of candor, he shared that he is both tired and frustrated, and is having a harder time remaining silent. He expressed how he is becoming increasingly shocked, dismayed and confused over how so many otherwise decent people readily repeat, and appear to buy into, harsh criticisms of other human beings. Too many are ready to publicly condemn others based on the appearance of opinions not ever expressed or endorsed, merely perceived. As a result of our exchange, I had an epiphany of sorts.

My friend is the good kid, the star student athlete that is not buying into the schoolyard bullying of the uncoordinated kid with glasses and freckles who strikes out at every at bat in gym class. He is deeply uncomfortable watching it happen and believes his nonparticipation, his silence, is taking a stand. He believes finding an opportunity to privately offer a kind word to the bespectacled klutz will somehow make up for his silence in the moment. In his mind, his is exonerated, while failing to understand his inaction is the reason the bullying continues.

After decades of various anti-bullying campaigns and initiatives in schools, the problem has actually gotten worse. Kids are arguably meaner today than they ever were in the past. Granted, the overt schoolyard bullying of the past is less common as educators will admonish such behavior. But the bullying continues in covert ways with the proliferation of unsupervised or insufficiently monitored social media usage amongst younger and younger kids. But even this is not the real issue.

Kids today are replicating the behavior they see modeled all around them. Turn on any news channel for the evidence. Those who express certain ideas are deemed out of step with the narrative of the day and are attacked. The subtext is not an issue with their ideas, but the character of the person who dares to express such an opinion. Viewers are invited to join in the mocking, dismissive laughter. No one, child or adult, misses the inference, the message of the personal risk inherent in not joining in.

We call this the “cancel culture”. Disagree with whatever is deemed socially acceptable and risk becoming an outcast. More words and column inches have been dedicated to the wrongness of the concept than can be counted, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Part of this may be simply because we aren’t calling it what it is, what resonates with everyone who lived through middle school – bullying.

Calling this “cancel culture” infers this is something new. For the majority who have not been “cancelled”, there is no visceral response to watching it play out. They can’t imagine what that feels like, because it is something new. Call it bullying and everyone can recall those feelings from childhood; the deeply uncomfortable silence they maintained; the fear of being the target; the relief of not being the target; the embarrassment of having been an active participant; the pain of being the recipient.

All of us, every single person can relate to one or more of those feelings residing deep in our childhood memories with a cringe-inducing emotional pain. As with all things, the exception proves the rule and admittedly there are a few for whom none of those emotion-laden memories apply. These are the Antisocial Personality Disordered amongst us, commonly known as sociopaths and psychopaths. But even these disturbed and disturbing individuals have some level of these visceral responses, both in those past moments and in present recall, which become the impetus of their psychopathic and sociopathic behaviors. “No one is going to disrespect me” is a fear-based driver. Fear of being different, fear of being cast out of their chosen – or perceived – socio-emotional position, fear of being less than. Fear of being bullied.

When we call someone a bully, there is inherent judgment of that person. They are wrong for doing what they are doing. But someone who stands up and “cancels” another is virtuous. They are standing up for something, against something, creating a call to action. They are pointing out something they perceive as wrong, as we would as well, had we noticed. The fact we didn’t notice means we are silent bystanders, allowing a wrong to continue by our inattention, our inaction.

In other words, they have turned bullying into a virtue, and use our collective painful childhood memories as a weapon. When you were a child and saw that kid get his books knocked out of his hands, you wanted to say something, do something, but were afraid. You didn’t want to be the only one standing up for that kid because you feared your books would be the next to go skidding down the hall. You wished someone would do something, because then you would too.

Now, someone else is standing up and calling something out, and you can assuage your guilt. It doesn’t matter if you don’t really know what is going on, what the offense of the one being cancelled was, or even if the accusation is true. The fact that what is being called out doesn’t apply to you or your life doesn’t matter either. Back then, you weren’t the dork in high-water pants but the guilt over your inaction remains. All that matters is this time, you’re not going to be a silent witness to a wrong. You too have an opportunity to become virtuous. If whatever is being called out doesn’t apply to you, you get extra points.

When you were a child, even a teenager, your hesitation to stand against the crowd is understandable. You most likely didn’t have the tools or emotional bandwidth to truly understand the damage bullying causes in the targets, the participants, or the silent witnesses. If we called this “cancel culture” by its proper name – bullying – you would recognize it for what it is.

This is why calling it something new, giving it this new name is intentional. Because as adults, we ostensibly have learned, do know better, do understand that bullying is just wrong. Bullying is the sign of a weak person, a shallow argument, an otherwise indefensible opinion, an opportunist looking to make themselves appear to be more than they are by deflecting attention, and by controlling the narrative.

Still, I have hope. Whether you like him or not, whether you support him or not, Trump is the canary in this particular coal mine. Every time he is attacked by his political opponents, his numbers go up. Pundits and analysts are stumped. They just can’t understand how, no matter what is said about him, his numbers keep climbing.

The answer is really quite simple. Americans hate bullies. Because we all remember what it felt like to be the target, a participant or a silent witness, and we are ashamed of that child we once were. And we’re starting to recognize the fact that the entirety of the “cancel culture” is middle school all over again.

Category: Get woke