17 weird things the military might teach you
Military Times has a humorous list of things you’ll learn in the military. Have any of your own to add?
While many enlist in the U.S. military as a way to put off higher education in favor of having the government pay for it later, serving in its ranks is certainly a learning experience.
You attend basic training or boot camp, then whatever MOS school, and after that, the training never seems to end. But what they won’t tell you in your recruiter’s office is the amount of informal education you’ll receive at the hands of Uncle Sam. Here are some of the strangest skills you might acquire from the military.
1. How to mop the rain
2. Survive without any sleep for days on end
3. Arrive early to arriving early so you can hurry up and wait
4. Cut your own hair
5. Embrace the suck
6. Eat stuff that probably doesn’t qualify as food
7. How to roll your socks and underwear
8. Make 30 minutes of actual work look like eight hours of diligence
9. Push paper
10. How to down a case of Wild Tiger without going into cardiac arrest
11. What to do, and not do, at a strip club
12. Sew like a seamstress
13. Cook a five course meal in a microwave
14. Cohabitate with black mold
15. Cohabitate with a slew of pests, including, but not limited to, mice and cockroaches
16. Carry your mate home from the bar in a fireman hold
17. Give yourself a bath with baby wipes
Related to #8, carrying a clipboard helps. As does using George Constanza’s trick of looking irritated all the time. My wife still laughs at me every time I whip out the sewing kit (same one I bought at the BX in basic 20 years ago).
Category: Humor
Drill Sergeant School taught me how to make coffee, shower, change, and drink the coffee in under ten minutes. Keurig preheating during a minute long shower, coffee brewing while putting on uniform, cold water placed in coffee to cool it down enough to slam it. Still usually made it to formation before other Candidates who complained about having no time for a shower.
You had coffee in BCT? What kind of f*ckery is this?
Not BCT, Drill Sergeant School.
I thought Drill Sergeants drank battery acid.
Well yeah, but they run it through a Keurig to warm it up now
* How To Make And Present POWERPOINT Slides*
* Yelling “HOO-AHH!*
* Double-Timing*
* One CAN sleep ANYWHERE.*
* One CAN survive being Tear-Gassed*
* One CAN survive eating Mystery Meat*
* One CAN survive with Verbal “Abuse”*
* That during a Conflict/ War, all of us bleed the SAME Color, no matter our Skin Color*
* One CAN survive an Environment, whether is be Cold/Snow, Heat/Desert/Jungles/Humidity/Mosquitoes/Spiders/Rats/Other Vectors*
* Learning the ART of Letter Writing*
* Making REAL Coffee (NOT the current Keurig Trend)*
* THIS is my Rifle..and THIS is my Gun*
😉😎
Additionally:
*When One is hungry, One can learn to eat almost ANYTHING.*
(We are not talking about those Ham and Motherf*#cker.)
😉😎
Ability to use the F-word as all parts of speech.
That was the hardest thing to UNlearn after retirement. (especially around the wife, children, rest of the extended family, and church)
Fuck if that fucking shit ain’t the fucking truth.
How to burn feces.
Mason: We gifted our grown Kids with Sewing Kits AND Poncho Liners…
😉😎
Who knew that Tabasco Sauce could be packaged in little containers…😉😎
Have you heard _why_ the MREs ended up with those little bottles of Tabasco Sauce?
As I recall, some Marine general was a family member of the Tabasco company, and got them included in the MREs – and got Tabasco to bottle them in those tiny bottles.
They evidently now sell them to the public. A “Thank you” gift from the Louisiana Baptist Builders this year included some.
Graybeard:
Now we know!
Thank You for sharing!
“Now we know!”
Hey … that’s my line!
😀
It saved having to buy bottles to use on the old C-rats.
Former (late) head of McIlhany Tabasco Company was BGen Mcilhany USMCR.
At one time he brought some New Orleans chefs to Quantico (1950s) and he had them work up a cookbook for C-Rats and 10 in Ones.
I’d love to be able to lay my hands on one of those today.
We had only Mcilhany Tabasco in my Dad’s house, no Texas Pete or any other poor substitutes.
The mini-Tabasco bottles were created during the Vietnam War. We regularly received boxes of them in the bush with our ration resupply. Also included in the box was a little C-rat cookbook with recipes using Tabasco. I wish I had brought one home.
Here ya go, Counselor:
Tabasco Sauce C-Ration Cookbook, Vietnam War RARE Item | #26631676 (worthpoint.com)
“6. Eat stuff that probably doesn’t qualify as food.”
I happen to know that veterinarians check the MRE’s if they’re past their expiration dates to ensure they are safe to consume. I don’t really know why vets do this rather than actual food safety inspectors, but it still gets done.
The Army veterinary department are the food safety inspectors. (at least as of 1995)
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Probably a leftover from the days when Army Camps and Forts had their own herds of livestock for unit consumption!
AF Veterinarians had the same job of checking the food supply. AF veterinarians were all forced to transfer to the Army when DOD decided the Army would take over the role sometime in the 80s/90s.
Met a retired E-7 in San Antonio in the 90’s who spent his entire career in small midwestern towns candling eggs for the Army Veterinary Corps.
Candling – Wikipedia
As Military Brats, we grew up eating SoS.
Messhall changed from using Chipped Beef to Ground Beef.
Ran into alot of folks who never had SoS until they joined the Army.
We still enjoy it to this day. SPAM not so much unless it is SPAM Musabi.
Still never enjoyed those crackers that were in the C-RATS nor the John Wayne Bars.
We used to cumshaw tins of spam to the Philly Shipyard Yard birds to get parts instead of going through the channels with parts request forms. Yard birds used to grill the spam on I beams with their oxi acetaline torches. I liked breakfast ground beef with I think tomato sauce instead of the SOS. Second class Machinist Mate MM2 from Philly said he loved the Navy SOS because a diner in Philly charged for the meal and he ate it for free in the Navy.
I still like both kinds of SOS. My stepmother even found a decent recipe for chicken and chipped beef. Check the price of chipped beef and you know why the Army switched to Ground Beef.
timactual: Glad to see you still enjoy SoS!
For a while, at home, we DID use Chipped Beef for SoS, then switched to Ground Beef (plus chipped beef is very salty).
With the cost of everything going up thanks to Ole COVID, Cancer, Asthma Joey Boy and his Climate Change agenda, the price of ground beef has gone up, up, up.
A couple of years ago, a TAH reader (We believe it was a Marine or it may have been SKYJUMPER) shared their SoS recipe with us via this blog. It is delicious.
Being Military Brats, we knew a job with the US Military is not Monday thru Friday, 8-5.
We also knew what 0600 hours and 1700 hours meant on a Military Installation/Post.
The joy of watching a movie at a Post Theater, i.e. standing up while the Star Spangled Banner was played BEFORE the movie started.
WAY TOO MUCH WOKE in today’s Military.
Look what our Troops are being taught today.
Or dad stopping the car during retreat and we all got out and saluted the colors.
–rgr1480
2nd gen. army brat
3rd gen. mustang
Taught me to take it deep in the ass.
^^taught me to watch, and slightly enjoy^^
That BMT exchange purchased sewing kit came in handy when I had to repair the seat of my pants after the ass chewings I would get from the squadron commander or first shirt. I used to walk into the Colonel’s office with a curved needle when I had to see him. He asked what it was for. I told him so I sew up my ass cheeks when he done chewing on them. My last colonel was a good guy.
As a staff guy, I learned to swallow.
Things can always get (much) worse than one’s current situation.
And they frequently do.
I submit that even the average service member has among the best training in Composite Risk Management, having an ingrained instinct to anticipate the worst failures of systems thru repeated exposures to ‘oh shit’ moments.
Shake hands with Mister Murphy enuf times and you can smell ‘im sneaking up.
Oh I’ve got a few to add.
How to speak noun nomenclature.
How “A good time was had by all” was not a review, it was an order.
Grass is for cutting, not walking on.
Rocks are for painting.
Paint is for chipping.
NCO may be the backbone but The E-4 Mafia Rules.
Police Call For Those Durn Cigarette Butts….😉😎
gabaf/hbtd/rtr
Gloves are for hands.
Pockets are for pool balls.
gabn/rtr/hbtd
Pockets are for your profile.
Speaking of Military.
Wasn’t this propsed before in 2019? 🤔
“Lawmakers seek to rescind Medals of Honor from soldiers who carried out Wounded Knee massacre”
https://www.foxnews.com/us/lawmakers-seek-rescind-medals-honor-soldiers-carried-wounded-knee-massacre
It goes back to the mid 90s that I know of maybe even farther.
My read of the history + citations makes me think not all 20 were deserved. But that was years ago.
The traditional list is shorter, “how to say motherf*cker and eat with a big spoon.” And that the Army can louse up and day ending in -y.
Up in the morning before break of day
I don’t like it, no way!
Eat my breakfast …. with a spoon,
Hungry as hell …. before noon!
And a few gnats on a spoonful of C-rats are just added protein… 😜
The NDSM Rules…
* The Art of Shaping and Wearing a Beret so that you don’t look like a Pizza Delivery Dude.*
* The Art of Spit Shining Boots Using Hot Kiwi Shoe Polish and a Diaper And Spit With Follow Up Using Ice Cold Water Cotten Balls or a Used Nylon Stocking*
I hate the new crop of berets. They are the size of a medium pizza. That is why they ridiculously pull down to the right ear lobe and partially cover the right eye. I have berets from Canada, the British Army and the German Army. None of them, when flattened, are more than ten inches in diameter. When worn properly, after being shaped, the pull only reaches the top of the right ear. The pull also does not impede one’s right eye peripheral vision. My last green beret I purchased from the clothing store in about 1980 is also ten inches and made by Bancroft. So, why the pizza sized ones? Are the ChiComs just trying to make our soldiers look ridiculous?
No, Bill Clinton wanted everyone to look like Monica.
That’s why ACOS Shinseki and that turd SMA Tilley hung the pain on the E-4 w/ the credit card.
First time I have ever seen that an E-4 had that type of purchasing powers.
Fucking turds.
If yer beret’s tucked up behind one ear or it’s (arrgh, matey!) the “pirate eye patch”, that’s way too much beret. Folk forgot da beret is supposed to make ’em look like this:
*Learning The Art Of Operating A Buffer!*
Fortunately, ROTC summer camp was the only time I had to operate a buffer.
rgr769:
Having buffer duty was indeed an experience! Am beginning to believe the majority of those who served operated a buffer!
There is likely less buffing needed since there aren’t platoon bays in barracks anymore are there. I suppose the day rooms and some office spaces need buffing.
Newer barracks are built with a ceramic tile floor. No buffing, and lasts longer than the old linoleum/vinyl asbestos tiles. Buffing is a lost art.
All this buffer talk… where’s Slow Joe been anyway?
*Learning The Art Of Using ACROYNMs (ask our beloved AW1Ed) and Military Time*
How to curse and order a beer in 12 different languages.
Get tasked with Battalion or Brigade weekend duty driver in the winter. Show up in M151A2 jeep without doors or roof when reporting for duty and promptly be excused from duty. 😷
As a lowly 1 Lt I got hit with Peter the Greeter detail (staff duty officer at Tinker AFB once. We were tasked with meeting providing honors for any O-6s and above on transient aircraft. One of the on the checklist was to make coffee in the DV lounge at Base Ops. There were no instructions for the coffee pot. Not being a coffee drinker but as a Marine Brat I eyeballed it before the first of two schedule arrivals that day. Apparently, I made it a bit stout. When I came back for the afternoon arrival Base Ops personnel told me they’d take care of the coffee.
I never came up on the duty roster again during my remaining time there.
I once and only once pulled Commander’s Rep duty on a Air Training Command base. Normally the CO Rep’s would go to the places where E-1, E-2, & E-3’s hung out and hear all of the good things about the base and the USAF in general. These Rep’s would give the General a 2 or 3 page report of how everything was beautiful. I figured since I had more time in the latrine than the Airmen had in the USAF, I’d head to the family housing area and hear the real things. I gave the General an 18 page report. I wonder why I never got that detail again.
1) Know what a “donkey dick” is.
2) Learn how to use slave cables.
3) Take 10, expect 5, get 2……
3) Heard/used the expression “bird shit & fools”.
4) Group showers
5) Heard/used the expression “Tighten up and make your buddy smile”.
6) Smile at a Drill Sgt as he is addressing you then being asked by same Drill if you like him, after saying you do, said Drill comes back with “liking to leads to loving & loving leads to phucking and nobody phucks with a Drill Sgt and then dropping you for 20…….or more.
YOU KNOW you were in the Military for too damned long if:
15.Your Son volunteers to “Guard against Aircraft” while riding the school bus.
16.Your Son flunks 3rd Grade and tells everyone he’s “Just a Phase three Recycle”.
14 -CINC House
Slightly off topic, but it is where I learned those 17 things and thousands more:
https://m.facebook.com/100064645245424/posts/pfbid02gKqR7ifmx44hS2M5r7xtQPtKjTVAoUwHbVGdqA7NkvaZmhpz47RzSJJt7hwYT1mjl/
I spent a good portion of my career in 40th, I hate to see it go. As of 0800 tomorrow, 11th Signal Brigade will no longer exist on Fort Huachuca. It’s the end of an era.
https://www.facebook.com/events/560416668896847/?ref=newsfeed
https://www.facebook.com/events/1009122643032779/?ref=newsfeed
What about poor Naco?
Naco, Nogales, Agua Prieta, all those fun border towns have been pretty much off-limits since around 2010 unless you have immediate family there.
To think, I was in the 40th when it had numbered Companies. Not that we were ever at Fort Huachuca…
this decision was made about 10 years ago. It has taken this long to get the reorg approved and the equipping strategy done…smh
11th was realigned to III Corps in 2011 and both 11th and 40th ESB are at Fort Hood.
Of course, that just replaces the disbanded 3rd Sig Bde…which was a mercy killing of a unit fucked up from the neck up.
If memory serves, 86th ESB is at Fort Bliss and 57th ESB is also at Hood…all III Corps units now.
40th is at Huachuca. At least until 0800 tomorrow.
I remember numbered companys in 40th, I was in 209th when it became Alpha. But you probably knew that. Some genius put a sign up at the 11th sig bde motor pool: 11th SIGNAL BRIGADE! THE MOST HEAVILY DEPLOYED UNIT IN THE US ARMY! Morale went straight in the shitter.
It really doesn’t get better after ORSE.
13 and 17 have come in especially handy after my military career. I’ve ended up in a job where I travel a lot and being able to cook decent meals using only a microwave has come in very handy.
More recently, we purchased remote mountainous land upon which to build our retirement home. Right now, when I’m out there working, I’m tent camping, but there are no facilities at all other than what I bring with me so the baby-wipe shower technique has come in very handy.
Sewing is also a handy skill that I’ve used many times.