Reyel Simmons – Fake SEAL – Go Big or Go Home
Reyel Simmons
We finally have someone that took their fakery to another level. Reyel Devon Simmons, of Dodge Center Minnesota (53 y/o) completed his persona with fake documents, a bug-out bag and a hidden bunker with sniper rifles and other weapons.
Minn. man impersonating federal agent on TikTok sentenced to six years
The man’s lawyer says his client was ‘merely playing dress-up’ to ‘woo women’
By María Luisa Paúl | June 7, 2022Over the course of eight months, a woman dating Reyel Simmons had been charmed by his tales of taking down bad guys as a Department of Homeland Security agent and retired Navy SEAL. She had seen Simmons’s “go bag,” badges and guns; heard stories about his undercover assignments; and believed DHS was paying for their hotel stays — a perk of said covert missions.
But her relationship with Simmons came crashing down in August, when she spotted a comment on his TikTok account, where he posted videos about being a federal agent for nearly 10,000 followers. The comment read: “stolen valor — impersonating a police officer again, oh and can proof be provided!”
Her discovery started a chain of events that eventually led to Simmons’s arrest and conviction on charges of impersonating a federal officer and illegally possessing firearms as a felon. On Friday, the 53-year-old Minnesota man was sentenced to six years in prison that will be followed by three years of supervised release, according to the Department of Justice.
You know you’re in trouble when your best defense is you “were just trying to get laid” or stated more accurately – you “were just trying to ‘woo women.'”
Reyel Devon Simmons
You gotta hand it to Reyel. How many men can say that their go-to money line is “Would you like to see my secret bunker?”
We checked the BUD/S-SEAL database and Reyel Simmons is not listed it it — surprise.
Then, from an article…
The FBI found no evidence that Simmons had served in the military or with any law enforcement agencies, court records state.
Nevertheless, when applying to his current job in Minnesota, Simmons had falsely stated that he was employed by DHS between 1997 and 2000, although he claimed “Assignments cannot be discussed under: Classified #CFR 6AUS06 and #USCS 987USf1310,” according to court documents.
That means that much of Simmons’ military career cannot be discussed due to national security concerns… TikTok being the exception.
Category: Fake SEAL, Navy Poser, Phony SEAL
, it would look like a BB in a boxcar, Jackanape, has all the charm and charisma of a burning Orphanage, Fuck Tart, Sitzpinkler, lispian, pussytits, Milksop, you’re such an embarrassment to your family and your father is so ashamed of you, he’d refuse a free blowjob out of fear of further spilling his seed, Forrest Gump points and laughs at you, you suck so bad, AIDS and Cancer have nightmares about you, your shit is about as funny as Anne Frank, Helen Keller and Terri Schiavo having an orgy in the showers at Auschwitz, you suck so bad, puppies, kittens and babies hate you, you are so loathsome, looks like the kind of guy who lets his wife gets her shit pushed in by Mr. Ouch while he watches, smells like he wipes from back to front, Gandhi would ass rape you for giggles, you are about as welcome as a yeast infection, hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, genital wards and herpes, you’re one of the reasons Trump is President, you make God want a do-over,
You vacuous, toffee-nosed malodorous pervert, pillock, puss soaked jackwagon, waste of trace elements and water, Jizztissue, knob breath dick biscuit, Pettifogger, Bunghole Baby, Rear Admiral of the Butt Piracy, donkey raping shit-eater, twatface, pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo it, may he lay a lip lock on the snotty end of a moose cock,butt munch, deep sea crotch lobster, man of the night in a large animal bordello, I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck your own mother in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give her a reach-around (Thanks R. Lee Ermey, R.I.P,)
,) Where to start with this cumstain, NOT a Navy SEAL, Never attended BUDS, NOT a Special, Secret Agent, Last time he had pussy was when pussy had him, what the flying monkey ass raping, Goldfinger reject shit is this?!?! NOT in the military ever, NOT in any type or style of law enforcement, MADE UP SHIT IN HIS OWN MIND!, NOT undercover, NOT covert, NOT DHS, *IS* an assmaster FELON, in possession of gunzzz, so he’s got that going for himself, which his nice,
Jesus Christ himself would take one look at you and shake his head ruefully, hopefully you’re about to get fed a steady diet of the old prison pork sword, you are worse than the Devil’s Hemorrhoids, TOTALLY a retarded, soul patch ball dusting, burn pit of worthlessness, you know the old saying “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water?” You would be the exception, he can go fuck a hill of dildos, you’re so fugly, you could make the Sun go down and not want to come up again, you make people that know you, want ass cancer, you make Hillary Clinton’s vagina look attractive, should be blowing everyone in cell block D and taking it up the ass, simultaneously from everyone in cell block C, This guy is a piece of lint on stinky goat nuts,
You fucking LAND WALRUS, shit snorting stain on Hillary Clinton’s yeast infected kootchie covers, you’re lucky we don’t dress you up in drag, drop your ass off somewhere in the Middle East and let an entire battalion of ISIS soldiers and supporters butt rape you until you’re turned inside out, This guy has spunk. And by spunk, I mean he likes to ingest copious, and I mean immense, monumental and breathtaking, amounts of Baby Batter, Ball Barf, Trouser Gravy, Man Chowder, High Fructose Porn Syrup, Daddy Sauce, Choad Nectar, Throat Yogurt, Penis Colada, Nut Butter, and Weiner Sauce, remember that story in the news a while back about a guy that was arrested for fucking his girlfriend’s dog that had been dead for a few days, in front of a daycare center? Yeah, you’re worse than that guy, I hope that soon you get to meet Jesus, and by that, not die, but that would be nice, BUT and I mean “BUTT”, you get vigorously and repeatedly ventilated by a guy named Jesus in jail,
you make child rape and crib death seem funny, you are such a fuckgasim, you’d leave Don Rickles speechless, you could make Goodwill, the Salvation Army and the Red Cross give you the finger, You make your own Mother cry on Mother’s Day, you’re the reason proctologists are a thing, seeing you frolicking around in all your finery makes me understand why Abba wrote the song Dancing Queen, I’d rather watch AFRTS than see this guy’s shit on the Internet, if you were a planet, you’d be Uranus, YOU are the reason monkeys throw poop, you stupid toilet mint licker, Hitler wishes he had you as a mentor because now he feels like a failure, you weak-kneed no-load pus-nuts pisspants needle-dicked cockroach-fucking slug-licking bucket of lying cockroach shit!, Ball Basting Boy Wondor, What an oily little meatgazer, planetary level atomic flaming douchebag, Santorium, lying shitbag wanna-be fucknozzle cleaner, Impacted breaching turtle head, Rumpleforeskin, parasite on society,
What in the bipolar fuck, fuckstain skidmark on the underwear of life, anal bum cover (LOL SNL Jeopardy), ), ugly Nut Captain, supports bacteria, it’s the only culture he has, looks like an insecure prick socket, must have been born on a highway because that’s where a lot of accidents happen, taint cookie, Mr. Men’s Room Wide Stance toe tapping glory hole hero, Fartleberry, Some NCO Should have beat you within an inch of your life, insult to humanity, I hope his ego hits the floor like a turd from a tall cows ass, shit-filled meatsack, masturbates to videos of Jar-Jar Binks, pisses off more people than the clackers on an abacus, prepare your anus, karma is going in dry, You are a moron. A window pane licking, urinal cake eating, lying moron, YOU’RE THE REASON ALIENS COME TO EARTH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND STICK THINGS UP OUR ASSES BECAUSE EVEN ADVANCED CIVILIZATIONS CAN’T FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT, walking shart shooter, minge,
moldy dingleberry on a roadkill swamp rat’s ass, test subject for Preparations A thru G, Remedy critch, Gnard gargling queefsquirt, I heard you were created via frozen embryo, you must have thawed, obstreperous shit-whistle, what’s gross, a truckload of dead babies, what’s grosser than gross, a truckload of dead babies with a live one in the middle trying to eat its way out, what is more disgusting than that? You, stupid enough to try to sandpaper to a wildcat’s ass in a phone booth, Handgallop, twatscicle, Obamawad, tool, bint, sleezebag, weaksauce, Gobshite, fuck hole, Pillsbury Dough Bitch, <b>Should NOT be around WOMEN OR CHILDREN, </b> touches himself inappropriately, Turd-Burglar, rimjobber, turd lizard of a roadkill opossum-humper, cum-dumpster, Inbred buck-toothed slimy toadstool on a Swamp Donkey turd, Useless mangy crotch-dropping, needle dick buttfucker, Putz, rectal inspector, this swollen, sweltering manhole should be infected with herpegonasyphilaids,
ferger, Sheep tits, gonad, queefer, chicken shit, choad, Puppy fucker, dopus, Blue Falcon and Blue Waffle, Fuck Apple with mold, twizzletits, tallywacker, Bozack, Fiction-flinging Richard Gere’s Ass Gerbil Felcher, dingleberry circling ass buzzard, bitch, Saprophyte, ATM, pap smear, bukakke glazed shitmitten, Dandy prat, Tazmanian Dorkwad rat fucking, shit-sucking warthog’s asshole, gimp, bescumber, coccydynia, you lying sack of mosquito, Siberian bag of cum-stained hadji sheep shit”, mangina micropeen, Fuckrag, Syphilitic Turd Burglar, possibly likes to pick his teeth with his OWN used catheters, Hircismus, cheat, You couldn’t make a point if someone gave you a pencil sharpener, should be pounded in the poop hole with a turret of a M1 Abrams, and then fired a WP round therein, pope-fondling, turbo apeshit crazy, Cacafuego, Cock-juggling *Pussy* thundercunt,
, And a new addition thanks to Sarge , I hereby introduce you to the ALPHABET ASSAULT: Annoying asinine Ampharos asshole assistant to APL; bulimic ballsack biting butt buddy at Brucie’s Bathhouse (entrance in the rear); chronic cocksucking clymidiacic chickenfucking cretin; dumbass dumbshit dickguzzling dimwitted douchebag, erratic earwax eating enema expert; fowl felching monkeyfucking ferret fluffing Uncle Fester look-alike; gregarious gangrene carrying Grinch; hypocrtical hippo humping hackeysack full of horse shit; idiotic inbred imbecile with a low IQ and impotence issues; jumping jackass with jockey shorts full of jellyfish jism; kooky kommunistic klown kitty fucking knave; lying loathsome limpdick lillylivered lazyass llama blowing loser; manmeat mooching meatslapping moosecock muncher; no good ninja nippled needlenutted nobody; obsolete overfucked octopus orgy observer; penis pumping pee filled poster child for proper prophelactic usage;
queasy queef quaffing quantum horsesqueeze; ratt fucking rump ranger who plays the rusty trombone; Shit surping semen burping dick sucking sorry sonavabitch with syphilis; taint ticking test subject for tits on men at Tiny’s Truck Stop; unclefucking ugly ass unborn umbilical discharge; valor Vulture and volunteer for vile vaginal discharge vacuum duty, wanks to blue waffle porn while waiting for winos to blow at the aforemention truck stop; useful as an upset ugly unicorn uterus; yodleing yellowbellied yak yanker; zipper gazing zealot with zits on his zero inch dick. Fuck off, eat shit, die in a fire, this guy has been a shitbag for years and the fucker *still* won’t flush, unfortunately, some turds just refuse to go down, what do you expect from someone who is mostly shit and hot air?
If any of this offends you, I’m sorry. If something here *doesn’t* offend you, I’m not trying hard enough!
We now include the <b> NEW & IMPROVED
OFFICIAL TAH BINGO CARD®™
/FREE with every deployment of an equal or greater value <b> The As(s)teroid of Insults®™ </b>
FUCK YOU, ASS HAMSTER!!!
Can I get an AMEN?! (Or your choice of exclamation/interjection.)
Here endeth the lesson.
Oh and one time Blake Morgan said: “ I swear I was hearing “O Beautiful for spacious skies… For amber waves of grain” playing as I was reading this…. “
So without further ado, here is a link to the New York Orchestra performing America the Beautiful, at Carnegie Hall, for your listening pleasure, if you want a musical accompaniment to the The As(s)teroid of Insults®™
Patton Quote added to the end …
On George S. Patton: (Multiple sources but… http://www.pattonhq.com/speech.html )
“He could, when necessary, open up with both barrels and let forth such blue-flamed phrases that they seemed almost eloquent in their delivery. When asked by his nephew about his profanity, Patton remarked, “When I want my men to remember something important, to really make it stick, I give it to them double dirty. It may not sound nice to some bunch of little old ladies at an afternoon tea party, but it helps my soldiers to remember. You can’t run an army without profanity; and it has to be eloquent profanity. An Army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag.”
Speaking of using words, of late, I’ve been reminded of someone who gave us this classic piece, something many of us grew up with and is, in my opinion, worthy of consideration, having assembled this diatribe, I give to you this…The Man and His Work.
And this last
All together now Choir….AMEN!!! (or for those of you that hasta…) AWOMEN!!!
All Hail The TAH As(s)teroid of Insults and The Keeper thereof…ChipNASA
ALL HAIL!!!!
Chipster, draw yourself a double helping of to go provisions from my stores and you may now go back to mooning over OAM.
I’m so glad I found this page. I’m the girl who turned him in and you won’t believe how many people are taking up for this guy. Bless you all. You have helped so much reading the words of true heros