Maybe the Curse of the Bambino was justified

Bosox fans…I’m not exactly sure what your official position is on the following, but I’d imagine there might have been a news conference or perhaps a public event disavowing the persons responsible for the crime against baseball that I’m about to relate.  Allow me to explain…no…it is too much, allow me to sum up:

It was late.  My wife and I were bored.  We wanted to watch a movie.  And this digital abortion was free.

The suckage to which I refer is the 2005 movie, Fever Pitch.

I heard Steve Jobs begged to have this scene cut for fear of it ruining Macbook sales…hey…it’s what I heard.

For those who have never seen this colossal piece of excrement, count yourself fortunate.  It’s quite possible that this one film may eventually destroy major league baseball, a couple of small towns and a strip mall outside of Philly, for no other reason than the sheer energy required to sit through this thing rivals that of the event horizon of a black hole…but even that doesn’t suck as bad as this movie did.

At first blush, it had an interesting premise; wacky dude nails hot chick and there’s the added benefit of a backdrop of America’s Favorite Pastime.  I mean, c’mon, the idea kept King Of Queens on for how long?   How bad could this one movie be, right?  Wrong.  We’re talking wrong on a scale of like looking at Miley Cyrus in a bikini wrong.  It’s like mayonnaise on a hotdog kind of wrong.

First, Jimmy Fallon…dude…to whomever told you that you could act, you need to go to that person’s house, wait until they leave for like Walmart or the thrift, and then run over them repeatedly in whatever kind of car your profession affords you to drive…I’m guess a Hyundai of at least a mid-90’s vintage.  The person who lied to you should be punished.  Harshly.

Second, to Drew Barrymore.  Sweetie, let’s talk…I know that it’s entirely possible that you’re confused, or perhaps you were recovering from yet another late night trip to the tattoo parlor, but it IS conceivable to portray another type of character than the one you’ve played for like 15 different movies.  The whole “sweet misunderstood girl next door with a great personality and huge heart who gets shit on by her boyfriend but eventually wins him over” thing is getting old.   Paleolithic old.  Pelosi old.  Stop it.  Just…stop.

Third, the on-screen chemistry was like watching Alzheimer’s patients play chess.  It was as if everyone showed up to work one day and through the course of assembling footage from camera phones, POOF, a movie was born.  A horrible movie…like the one with the Hindenburg exploding except without the drama.  Or the humanity.  Or that dude yelling about the humanity.  Imagine that, only worse.  Yeah.

Then there’s the baseball…supposedly the catalyst for all the hy-larry-us hyjinks running through the plot.  I use the term “plot” here as in “where you’d bury something dead and decaying”.  But I digress.  What we get for baseball is a whole bunch of shit recycled from ESPN or whoever plays Boston games…Nick At Night Sports?  No clue there.  In any case, it was clearly stock footage.  I guess even the Red Sox don’t want to claim Jimmy Fallon enough to get scenes shot specifically for the movie…how pathetic is that?

As you can imagine, the ending was predictable…the Sox win, the boy gets the girl and all that sugary sweet bullshit.  Blah blah blah.  So while Bosox fans have been bitching about The Curse for what seems like Fred Flintstone ages, let’s get one thing straight…the Curse of the Fallon might eventually prove to be far worse.  Play ball.

Tags: Claymore

Category: Pointless blather