Deer Found Eating Hoomans!

No, Bambi is not our friend. In fact, Bambi and his girlfriends (they always have many, y’know) would rather chew on your whoreson dead carcass than leave you to rot in pieces.  And when you do die, and when you’re gone, only deer will be left behind to carry on, and chew your filthy carcass into shredded specks.  Y’see, deer eat human carcasses and bones, mostly to get salt and other minerals out of them. They don’t care about the dimes in your pockets or your phone or how much ammo you have in your waistpack. They only care about how soon they can fool you into stalking them while they wait for a sudden cold snap to freeze you in your tracks. I sometimes wonder if mammoths did the same thing that deer do: chew on dead Hooman bones so there’s no trace left of us, as vengeance for hunting them and chasing them off cliffs.

Here’s the link to the original article:   https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-deer-human-bones-huppke-20170508-story.html#tblciGiAI_buhGc8gH-egwt-9FpNpM0u57MmKVkjoKhtrNqqmJCCP3z8

Most of the text is posted below, in case you can’t get the linky thingy to work. Comments in parentheses are mine, from the perspective of 3 long years after the original was published, plus the sheer boredom of having to stay indoors because Outside might have CV19 Bugs floating around in the back yard… and since Everything Is Possible, the CV19 bug might just be the way deer hurry up the process of making a meal out of our whoreson dead carcasses.

If Stephen Hawking is right about Earth’s end, keep an eye on the deer

Article by Rex Hupple – May 08, 2017

It seems we’re all going to die fairly soon, but before that happens, we need to kill all the deer.

I’ll get to the deer killing in a moment, but first let me expand on our impending and unfortunate demise.

Stephen Hawking, the late, famed theoretical physicist, predicted that humankind has about 100 years to find a new planet. A promotion for a BBC documentary he appears in notes: “With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious.”  (Man, that was a while back, and Comet Neowise didn’t even come close!! Epidemics? None of us are allowed outside without dressing up like Plague Doctors! We’re doomed! Doomed, I tellya!! Ex-PH2)

Nothing worse for a planet than being overdue for an asteroid strike.  (Well, we did have the Chelyabinsk meteor strike. That broke windows and set off car horns. Ex-PH2)

While Hawking was undoubtedly more intelligent than I am — I’m more of a theoretical journalist — other recent news has led me to believe that 100 years is too generous. I’m thinking we’ll be lucky to make it through next week.  (Please define “theoretical journalist” That one stopped me in my tracks. Ex-PH2)

First off, in case you haven’t noticed, we have an uncomfortably large number of world leaders who are: a) erratic narcissists; and b) armed with nuclear weapons.  (And now we have a Commie running against Wheeler for Mayor of Portland, OR!!! And Kyrgyzstan has 16 political parties, all squabbling over who gets to run the place. Ex-PH2)

What a world!

We’re all one poorly timed joke about Kim Jong Un’s haircut away from becoming charred meatloaf.  (And now we have politics, kidnapers, cities emptying out, Antifas/BLMs and CV-19 Pandemics! We’re DOOMED!! Ex-PH2)

In addition to that, there’s a 2,000-square-mile hunk of ice about to break off the Antarctic Peninsula. The Larsen C ice shelf already had a 110-mile crack in it, but last week, scientists announced the crack now has a second branch.

Before long, a piece of ice the size of Rhode Island will be adrift and sea levels might rise because the ice shelf was keeping ice from nearby glaciers from sliding into the water.  (Note from 2020: it didn’t do any real damage, just broke up into little bergs and moved offshore. Must have been disappointing as hell to the news crowd, too. No ships were lost by bumping into it. Ex-PH2)

The nukes and the asteroids and the giant icebergs and the epidemics and the oceans enveloping us all sound bad enough. But the universe is also trying to kill us on a more up-close and personal level.

We know that if we don’t exercise we’re either going to die or not be ready for bathing suit season, two equally terrifying fates. (But now, in 2020, we can all stay home, hang out in our underwear, and only worry about what we smell like to other people if we have to go run an errand, or choose to have something vaguely resembling food delivered. Ex-PH2)

But now we learn that the gym where we get our exercise might also be deadly, thanks to the unspeakable filth left behind by grotesque fellow gym goers.  (Way ahead of the CV-19 pandemic, and we were worried about Other Peoples’ Germs on gym equipment. Now, half the gyms are closed. Ex-PH2)

The fitness equipment rating website FitRated.com — it’s where I go to research workout equipment I buy and never use — had a laboratory evaluate swabs from treadmills, exercise bikes and free weights at three different chain gyms.

Here’s what was found: “The average exercise bike harbors 39 times more bacteria than a cafeteria tray. Typical free weights have 362 times more germs than a toilet seat. And the treadmill you’re running on averages 74 times more bacteria than a typical public bathroom faucet.”

Cool.

Knowing that most of us bring our phones to the gym, it’s a good bet we’re hauling all those germs home with us and our fingers should be quarantined in infectious disease tents.  (Has anyone noticed a population decline at gyms? I don’t go there, just askin’: Ex-PH2)

A safer workout would be to just do pushups in a bus station restroom and then jog off a cliff. (Only if a deer is chasing you, fella! Ex-PH2)

Anyhoo, death is all but certain, so let me get to the part about murdering the deer.

For starters, I have never trusted deer. Their innocent, wide-eyed adorableness shtick always struck me as a cover for something sinister.

When I saw “Bambi,” I hoped for a sequel — one where the hunter comes back to finish the job.

Turns out my gut was right. A recent article in Popular Science revealed that forensic scientists recorded the “first known evidence of a deer scavenging human bones.”

The researchers were doing a study where they leave a human corpse in the woods to monitor how it decays and gets picked away at by various woodland creatures.

Let’s pause a moment and consider the conversation that led to that corpse being volunteered:

“Hey Grandpa, what should we do with your body after you die?”

“Scatter my ashes in the ocean.”

“Sure thing, Gramps! I definitely won’t sell your corpse to scientists who want to plunk it in the forest and watch it get eaten!”

What a legacy.

A camera was trained on the corpse and what the researchers saw will forever change how you view deer. From the Popular Science report: “On Jan. 5, 2015, the camera caught a glimpse of a young white-tailed deer standing near the skeleton with a human rib bone in its mouth. Then it happened again on Jan. 13 — the camera caught a deer with another rib sticking out of its mouth like a cigar.”

Like a cigar?!?!

(Is it possible that this is why we can’t find a lot of antique Hooman remains lying around? That we find them mostly in caves where the deer got roasted? The deer ate them all? I know pigs, both wild and domestic, will eat anything, including Hoomans, but…. Ex-PH2)

These allegedly skittish mammals are just biding their time, waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can munch on our delicious ribs.

If death is around the corner — and it most certainly is — I’m ready to meet my maker, but I’ll be darned if I’m going to let some bloodthirsty buck feast on my remains like a four-legged slob at a rib buffet.  (Buffets are gone now, too. Life will never be the same again. Ex-PH2)

No, we need to strike first and preserve the sanctity of our soon-to-be irradiated or gym-disease-ridden corpses. I want every deer dead as soon as possible.  (Maybe the real answer is that deer brought the CV19 bug into China and bullied the Chinese government into shipping it to us, instead of just leaving it in a lab. Pure vengeance on their part! Ex-PH2)

Every human should be eating venison around the clock. You too, vegans. You’re going to have to suck this one up for the team.

There can be no deer left when we are wiped out by giant slabs of ice or space rocks or whatever. Because if there are, those furry forest monsters will be licking their smug chops, prancing around with our rib bones in their mouths, knowing they pulled off a con for the ages.

Bambi, indeed.  (Hey, it was only a cartoon. Elmer Fudd was missing, too. Ex-PH2)

(Note to those stuck indoors: remember all of this info about deer, because when you go deer hunting in the fall, they are just counting the weeks – nay, the hours until you croak from some dreadful thing like the epizootic. They have that on their side, too. And as I understand it, polar bears also have a ‘thing’ for Hoomans as tasty snacks, which is why they go after those tours of Snowcats in the Arctic. Ex-PH2)

 

 

Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"