Justice Ginsburg Regional – Round One
As we wrap up our last Regional of the first round, don’t forget to give back to the actual veterans of the Global War on Terrorism who gave so much by donating to Soldiers Angels Valour IT – Team Army. Next week we will be honoring another small non-profit that deserves your attention.
1 Herbert “Cav Secret Squirrel” Williamson v.
16 Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder
WILLIAMSON: This may be the only Stolen Valor guy I know of who claimed to be a CW2. (“Stolen Valor, not just for Generals anymore!”) Earning a Distinguished Flying Cross in 1971 as a scout helicopter pilot is almost the same as serving in the CT National Guard working as a communications wireman at the rank of private first class. One you are in this shithole place where everyone smells bad, and the other you are in Viet Nam. (I kid, but come on, how can you be that close to Massachusetts and not make a break for the border.)
POUNDER: Heh. Seriously dude. Can you imagine this guy in BUDs? “Look out, there’s a Sperm Whale!” “No, that’s Gunny Bratwurst dogpaddling.” Millions and Millions served indeed.
8 Paul “PTSD Counselor” Schroeder v.
9 Asleigh “Shrapnel slit my throat” Martel
SCHROEDER: “One day in the middle of the afternoon, I’m sitting on my sofa. I’ve got a drink in one hand and a .45 in the other. I wasn’t sure which shot I was going to take next.” You chose the wrong one. I guarantee you damaged more brain cells with the drink, even if it was Kool Aid. On a side note, how many people did he tell this story to without anyone going, “Dude, that story is redonkulous!” Once again my lifelong hatred of MPs is justified. FWIW Schroeder, I always thought you had a touch of the Ghey when you wouldn’t hook up with Lucy van Pelt and instead hung out with Linus.
MARTEL: From a certain angle at one point I thought she was kind of cute, and then it hit me…she looks like the female version of the dude from Happy Gilmore that took a nail to the grape (Mr. Larsen). Which I gotta tell you is totally not hot. I’d love to hear her say “And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot” but with her throat slit like it is, I guess I’ll just have to imagine it. I think I’d rather wake up with Charles Martel, and he died 1300 years ago.
5 Jacob “read my plates bitch!” Cruze v.
12 Albert “Sensei Dick Munch” John
CRUZE: You look like a celebrity doing a Poligrip ad. You related to Penelope Cruz? You have the same “can eat Corn on the cob through chickenwire fencing” teeth. Haven’t seen choppers like that since The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. (This does not give you permission to claim you jumped on top of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to save your entire regiment.)
JOHN: An awards clerk got an MSM, I haven’t been this shocked since Ellen came out. He claims he’s the “Bladed Weapons Offensive and Defensive Instructor” at the “Street Smart Self Defense School.” Bladed weapons my aching arse, the closest he got to a bladed weapon is when he and his friends were reenacting scenes from Zorro the Gay Blade. If he’s so badass with a katana, what in the hell is he hunting in the corn field with an Uzi or whatever the hell that is? Some sort of Ninja Raccoon?
4 Dave “Tiger Hunter” Groves v.
13 Micaiah “Marine Terrorizer of OWS” Dutt
GROVES: Deep blue hero stuff… “He was starved and tortured for six months until eluding his guards and hiding in the jungle for two weeks. He was finally able to contact U.S. Marines and reunited with U.S. forces. Groves is the recipient of three Silver Stars, three Bronze Stars and two Crosses of Gallantry.” Did you snare small animals with your moustache? You know what I find most awesome… I know the guy that busted him, Terry Schow, executive director of the Utah Department of Veterans affairs, and I’ve never once heard Terry mention he was SF (he was apparently.) Quiet professionals don’t look like shitbag homeless guys at awards ceremonies. You can bank that one.
DUTT: “I was a terrorist, I terrorized people. Women hid from me.” Same shit with me brah! I was once known as the “Carlos the Jackal of the dance floor.” Seriously, I would take the floor in my MC Hammer Pants at Hennessy (3263 M Street, Georgetown, DC) and chicks would go to Crazy Horse next door. Children too. Sometimes stray marsupials. I was like a weaponized ball of retardation on the hardwood. But I atoned for it. You can to. Now, stop being a little pissant and stay off the mic. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
3 Paul “Prince Chumming” Tillson v.
14 Brian “Pound me in the ass Prison Bitch” Culp
TILLSON: Actual ribbons….four. But in these pictures he kind of looks like William Sadler, the guy that played the bad guy (Colonel Stuart) in the second Die Hard movie. Well, he would if that dude had a lobotomy and a sort of slack jawed jackass look. Actually, he looks exactly like the same actor in The Green Mile (“Alexandre Dumb Ass”) but that reference is obscure. Which is relative because you probably didn’t get most of the previous 58 references. Also, Tillson’s wife has huge breasts. Look! Melons! (That is Elvish for “Friend”.)
CULP: “He also falsely claimed he was wounded while part of the 1993 Army Ranger rescue mission in Somalia made famous by the book and movie “Black Hawk Down.” I think everyone was in that fight, even my cabbie from yesterday (he may not have been on our side, that wasn’t clear.” But, there are clearly more fat white dudes claiming to have been in Mogadishu in October of 1993, than there has been fat white dudes in Mogadishu since the time of Solomon running his mines there. Also, this guy is a ginger, and they have no souls.
6 Ken “Tri-recycled 18B Wannabe” Aden v.
11 Richard “Senator Dickenthal” Blumenthal
ADEN: Phony SF, wanna be Congressman.
BLUMENTHAL: Phony tour in Viet Nam, is a Senator.
7 Jasper Land “My moustache alone is SF qualified” Holland v.
10 Leo “Half my Squadron Died” Webb
HOLLAND: What can you say about a man with a moustache like that? It reminds me of a school board meeting I went to and I heard a fabulous speech: “Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gon’ have a puppet show, we gon’ have some jazz. No I’m just kiddin. We have some business to take care of. I’m sorry I’s pulled ya’lls legs. I’m just a little excited cause I met somebody today! Someone in the bookstore! Someone who likes the same kind a literature I do! Oh and the adventure begins again!”
WEBB: “I killed all these people and watched half my squadron die. I’m a mess. I struggle every day. The Army taught me to drink.” Sure man, that was a whole chapter in the Common Task Training Manual – Skill Level Two for 11B20’s. I think it was right after the chapter on how to use a knife and a T-Shirt down at Fort Polk to improvise toilet paper when the shit suck truck gets taken out in the box. I had to drink A LOT to forget about coming out of the field with only a T Shirt necklace. I was ahead of the curve though, I figured out how to drink early, but never could wean myself off drinking with a nipple attached to the bottle. Which is probably why I never made CSM. Now, if you’ll excuse me, My Little Pony is on.
2 David Garcia “Not so Trusty” Diaz Jr v.
15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” Oliver
DIAZ: The only thing more pathetic than faking a Silver Star is giving it to some homeless people as a photo op. Again, this guy actually took money from a non-profit dedicated to helping our Homeless Brothers and Sisters. Who does stuff like that? And again with the crappy moustache. Also, who fakes themselves into a Ranger Battalion with a Purple Heart and doesn’t give themselves a CIB? For shame sir, for shame!
OLIVER: Ironically, our Bios end with our most recent dirtbag, who surprisingly also has a crappy moustache. And a pony tail. And was Delta. And likes to play with toy guns. And is named “Gabryal” or something. He HALO’d into Kandahar with hundreds of other Delta guys. “It was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear.” Rather like an attractive woman might feel at Comic-con I would imagine. Dude may have a case of lycanthropy too because that pony tail grew in like a year if his bio is accurate.
Now, Go Vote my Minions, vote your brains out!
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Category: Politics
That was a Shawshank Redemption reference to ‘Alexandre Dumb-ass’. But you’re right, he does look like the same guy. Probably freak out the same when an 80 year old man puts a shiv to his throat too…..
I voted for alot of underdogs in this bracket….
Man this is getting tougher. Some toss ups but had to go with some of the lower seeds this time. This is definetly the moustache required region.
BTW- Regarding Diaz and the CIB reference, the other picture I have of him does not have a CIB on it. And if I edit this post, it will likely restart the voting again.
I don’t know why it does that, but as with the dead folks in Last of the Mohicans, it stays as it lays.
I think this one was the hardest one for me. A couple of easy choices were the fatass and Tillson, who really looks like a retarded child who stole his daddy’s uniform. The pornstache on Holland has a bigger dick than that guy who got stopped at the San Fran International Airport, because they thought he was sporting something other than a ginormous schlong in his pants!
My boy Williamson needs a campaign song. Ripping off a civil war tune here —
So I’ll lay ten dollars down
And count ’em one by one
If you’ll just show me the man
Who whipped Herbie Williamson
And lay ten dollars down
And count ’em two by two
If you think that no-name fatty
Can beat Herbert W.
And lay twelve dollars down
And count ’em three by three –
Just go to Secret-Warrant-Man
He’s got the currency.
Pulling for Tillman. That impressive rack of medals combined with the complete smirk on this face. Got to give it to him though I do love when Marine wannabes wear Army cammies. The Marines I know would never do such a thing. Not even as a joke.
TSO-
I got the reference and totally agree. I can see him singing (badly) every Hank Williams song to his well endowed bride.
Daaaaamn. While more than a bit difficult, that Aden/Blumenthal pairing was like a Riesling/Havarti on an August afternoon in Georgia. Brilliant!
One of you people better praise me for my Mellons/Lord of the Ring reference or I am quitting the blog to go be the ED of the My LIttle Pony Fanclub.
Tillson is a turd. So is Albert John.
And if the early returns hold, this is the bracket buster right here.
I smell some quality underdogs in this bunch!
TSO, #10: Didn’t get the Lord of the Rings reference as I haven’t sat through all of them, and the ones I did see, I probably got up to pee during that part. I prefer the Clerks II take on Lord of the Rings; “It was three hours of people walking, even the trees walked in that movie”. But if it’s in the same vein as all of your other references, then I have no doubt it’s outstanding and you have no need to leave this place for a magical fairyland of rainbow streaked unicorns and bronies in pink wigs.
This was the toughest one yet. Yet I agree with an earlier comment…you have to vote mustache….hell. we should have a Best Tough Guy Facial Hair Award.
TSO, I got the elvish….I just didn’t want to admit that I knew it. It’s sort of on the level of Bronies.
I’m still trying to get over the emotional trauma of your claim that gingers have no souls! *sniff*
We gingers do have souls, each freckle is a representation of a soul we have stolen. By that logic I dont just have one soul, I have many. Mwuhahahahahahaha
@10 I enjoyed the reference, TSO. You’re just such a wizard with words!
I wish Oliver wasn’t paired with Diaz…
I know Aden is a doucher of the highest order, butt….like the big butt that the women in the third row of the church choir be having…. Bloomey deserves an upset not only on his behalf but on the behalf of those asshats in Connecticut who still voted for him. He had all the integrity to not only stay in the election when he was caught in his lie, he told everyone they were just too stupid to understand what he was saying when he “misspoke” or as the rest of us would say lied. Just because the Aden is fresh lets not forget the idiocy of Booming Bloomer!
@20, agreed
Aden finally dropped out…maybe a nice public apology and a retry at a later date…Blumenthal is a full of sh1t douche and a serving senator…a liar in office always concerns me more than an also ran…
@10 I always enjoy a nice “melon” reference…but the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is even more enjoyable…perhaps instead of melons we can discuss the migratory patterns of coconut laden swallows next time?
Wow, first bracket where I have more higher seeds winning then lower.
@20 & 21:
I was living in CT at the time of his election, and I voted for him. Perhaps that makes me an asshat, but the reason was quite simple. He had, at one point in his past, helped a friend’s family out with some complicated issues for one of their kids.
Also, had his ‘lying’ been a pervasive element of his speeches, as opposed to a one(?)-off statement of questionable interpretation, I’d probably have felt differently. Here’s the Wikipedia section on this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Blumenthal#Allegations_about_military_service
He never doubled-down on things and insisted, for example, that he served IN Vietnam after this came out. Aden takes the cake on this one for me.
Anon thank you so very much for being an asshat and not holding a politician accountable for his asshattery. You HUGE stain of fuck! No he insisted that people misunderstood what he said on many occasions and he “misspoke”. It is because of assholes like him that when my wife gets her bonus checks that she works REALLY freaking hard for they are taxed at a 40% rate. Good job fuckstain…thanks a lot for putting that doucher in office.
@24, I don’t begrudge a man for that to be honest. Ted Kennedy helped my brother one time on something, and while I would never have voted for him etc, I certainly appreciated it.
I’m also not much on hating Blumenthal on all this, but I am a softy. I do think he was more pervasively dishonest than you do, but I’m not sure it reaches my threshold of being really irate about it.
Let’s see how Aden does… he’s failed in so many things, maybe he’ll succeed in the tourney….
Wow, great bracket but I’m picking today as “underdog day”. With one exception, I picked the lower seeded scum bags. However, I was professionally torn between Williamson and Pounder. On one hand, I would like to see a phony CWO continue in the tourney but damn, Pounder takes up the whole photo. Those dress blues must have been custom made…or four blouses stitched together…damn bro… however…. I went with Pounder and most all other underdogs….can’t wait to see how it all shakes out!!
@25 I’m terribly sorry that by voting for a man who saved some friends from an intensely dire situation I personally inconvenienced your hard-working wife by making her pay 40% on her bonuses. I should’ve thought of your wife first, obviously.
When in doubt, always vote for the fat guy.
I also voted for the melons. Had to.
@26 It’s possible he is more dishonest than I think – my bias is obvious, given what he did for my friends. And #25 seems to claim this was a consistent lie, whereas I only heard it happened once, and that earlier in the same speech, he had correctly stated his record.
Realistically, though, it would’ve taken a pretty strong scandal to swing my vote – McMahon wasn’t a particularly strong candidate, and the amount of good Blumenthal did for my friends was pretty substantial. He was also known to work pretty tirelessly in his role as AG, and the idea of someone working hard in Congress had the novelty factor going for it.
I’d be happy if you guys can point me towards a consistent pattern of lies or other negatives about him; I’m not averse to learning about that, I simply have a decent -not perfect, decent- impression of him at the moment.
I’ll admit that I took some time waffling between ‘ol Pounder and the secret squirril. Could the 16-seed prevail based largely on his uncanny ability to fit all of his chins into that uniform?
It’s been many years since I was a soldier, and so many things have changed.
But, as I recall, you are only permitted TWO (02) qualification badges on the fatigue shirt, and when wearing a weapons qualification on the dress uniform, only TWO (02) bars are authorized for each badge.
Is that regulation still in effect, or was it amended?
I just HAD to go with Munchkin, despite his low seed. Anyone who has the cojones to claim they “fired” (exploded?) Expert with the Claymore deserves my vote.
That guy is wearing his green beret with the flash on the wrong side, Navy style.
@10-
You mention ED and My Little Pony in the very same breath- and NOBODY SAID ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!
Oh. My. GAWD. For the love of bride, I’m going to hyperventilate.
TSO FTW!!!!
@31 Not sure of how much he lies about everything else, but he took 5 deferments to avoid serving, when his last deferment was about to expire in ’70 he took a reserve position which is no shame to admit serving as a reservist.
The problem comes up later when talking to vets he told them he served when he actually went out of his way to avoid serving….he also really enjoyed giving the impression that he was a Vietnam Vet as opposed to a Vietnam Era Vet….and he did little to discourage anyone drawing conclusions that he served in theater….like every one else he should have just said he served as a reservist in the early ’70s and he respects and honors those who served in combat…no harm no foul with that approach…instead he chose a different route…
You are willing to excuse him because of a valuable service provided to folks you know and I think that perfectly illustrates politics in America, we are all guilty of being far more forgiving of the lies told by those with whom we agree or care about and much less so with those whom we don’t care about or would ever agree with…
No worries on my part, I didn’t like Blumenthal as AG and I don’t expect him to be a great senator but my views are my own and clearly not shared by the folks in CT…I understand how democracy works and I hope Blumenthal does what you sent him to do…I will remain suspicious of him and his motives for some time to come.
Best to you today!
I really like the guys who have more fruit salad running up the right side of their adopted uniforms than General Patton. It warms my heart.
And kudos to you, TSO, for both the Monty Python/Holy Grail and Elvish references. You have shown great literary taste…or something like that.
But my personal favorites in these are Herbie the Secret Squirrel, because I couldn’t find anything about him at Harvard’s MBA alumni section, so he lied about that along with all his other grandstanding displays of crap weasel malfeasance; and Sen. Blumenthal, who simply ought to know better, another crap weasel in Congress, no less.
I had to go with Tillson, because his awesomeness is just sooo awesome.
Went with Blumie, because he’s an over-achiever. Oliver, because he looks so cool sitting there with his toy gun. Dutt, because I always go with the “terrorist”. Cruze, because I can picture him eating corn on the cob thru a fence. And, I had to go with the “Cav Secret Squirrel”, and Martel.
No. 37:
“. . . we are all guilty of being far more forgiving of the lies told by those with whom we agree or care about . . .” — Include me OUT — I do not forgive, and I do not care about LIARS .
The DAMN LIARS — who wannabe in-country Vietnam (after it’s over) — are properly included (thanks, TSO) in this CONTEST FOR THE LOWEST RUNG IN HELL .
Some of the supreme Court do not deserve the title “Justice.”
@40 I mean we as the generic We Americans I was generalizing to make my point that i see it on the right and the left…Blumie is forgiven by some as are Limbaugh and Cheney by others…
I get it that not everyone feels that way but as a nation we have certain characteristics, and I believe the right forgives the sinners on the right the same as the left forgives the sinners on the left…
No. 41:
Cite proof, that Rush Limbaugh and/or Richard Cheney — LIED .
@42 Limbaugh made a living making fun of Clinton as a draft dodging doper, turns out Rush was a doper himself, and good old Rushie also evaded the draft by having his private doctor declare him unfit Rush never went for a proper induction physical…that’s a liar in my book…tell me you’re not a doper when you are you’re liar…
Cheney is the worst kind of liar, they tell you that service to the nation is the highest honor, but they don’t believe it because when it was his time he had other priorities and took 5 deferments to avoid serving…he looks you in the eye and questions your patriotism when you question his policies but his patriotism was so solid he served himself to college and the told the nation to wait. Dick Cheney serves Dick Cheney and Dick Cheney’s interests alone…if your interests happen to coincide with his you might get some of the leavings…otherwise prepare to eat sh1t because he doesn’t give two sh1ts about you, your family or anyone else besides his cowardly sad old 4ss…I do enjoy the fact that while hunting in a petting zoo he did manage to shoot one of his buddies in the face….guess the doves scared him enough that he panic shot his friend….
@31 I honestly hadn’t paid any attention to his deferments, but after you mentioned them I read a little bit about them and there’s no question that while legal, it definitely comes across as less-than-honorable. Hardly the first time well-connected sorts or anti-war sorts pursued such things, but still, not exactly a glowing positive on his character.
As for talking with vets, I find these to be very muddy waters – never have I come across a story where he laid out some glorious tale of heroics, just wording that left it easy to interpret he was in Vietnam, rather than a Vietnam Era veteran. For example, in one speech he said something to the effect of ‘When we were in Vietnam’, which can be interpreted as ‘When we [as a country] were in Vietnam’, and it can quite clearly also be interpreted as HIM claiming to be in Vietnam.
I agree with you in the principal that both sides tend to make excuses for the people in their own camp (and amplify those in the opposing one), but I’d gently disagree with your characterization that I excuse him because he provided a service for friends. I’d paint it more as I ‘excuse’ him because in his providing that service, I’ve seen first-hand evidence of his character, and that first-hand, non-political action that he undertook outweighs his public-facing imperfections to me. Or, to put it slightly different, I don’t excuse his shortcomings, I simply don’t think they outweigh the good I’ve seen him do.
None of our politicians are perfect, and we all weigh the various criteria that impacts our voting in different ways – in fact, I imagine a Vietnam veteran might weigh things considerably different than I have, and I’d completely understand that.
At any rate, thank you for a civil disagreement. I hope he does a good job in Congress, too, but time will tell. Best to you as well.
@42 I do have a sense of karmic irony from time to time, Limbaugh’s reason for being a 4F? An inoperable cyst on his 4ss….
So a guy who lies about taking drugs (prescription or not) and has his doctor declare him unfit could be a bit of an 4ss…it’s only fair the source of his frustration grows in the natal cleft of his gluteus maximus….
@42 I should also point out that I don’t mind Rush’s radio show and enjoy his comments from time to time. I also understand Cheney has contributed some positive work for the nation, I just have no illusions about the “character” of these two any more than I do about Charlie Sheen’s…
@31 Let me add to my previous post, too, to say that while I find Blumenthal’s statements about Vietnam ‘muddy’, I find it utterly despicable if this was intentionally done. But, as you correctly noted, I’m biased towards liking him, and thus don’t think that was the case. A larger pool of examples or tales of personal glory would probably have changed my opinion on that, though.
I usually root for the under-dog, but I couldn’t vote for the Round Marine. For one thing, he’s never been identified. For all we know, he is a ribbon model. He was the only one they could find that could wear the entire collection. Did you notice that he has virtually no devices (Tillson also)?
I don’t have very many ribbons, but about half of them have devices of some kind.
Creekmur, on the otherhand, is a device man. Of the 29 ribbons on his Dress Blues, maybe five don’t have devices.
His Navy Cross has a SILVER Star (6 Navy Crosses, right).
No. 43: — “. . .forgiving of the lies . . .” —
You EVADE my question — stop pretending, that you have answered it .
DEFINE your terms (“doper,” “service to the nation,” etc. — at this point I ceased reading) .
WORDS POSSESS MEANING .
I am thoroughly through — and I WILL NOT RESPOND again .
Some with Latin pseudonyms, do not live up to them .
(still friendly with everyone else)
I voted — especially, I voted for EVERY wannabe (LIAR) in-country Vietnam War so-called “veteran.”
How can a so-“unpopular” war — become popular today ??