Reyel Simmons – Fake SEAL – Go Big or Go Home
Reyel Simmons
We finally have someone that took their fakery to another level. Reyel Devon Simmons, of Dodge Center Minnesota (53 y/o) completed his persona with fake documents, a bug-out bag and a hidden bunker with sniper rifles and other weapons.
Minn. man impersonating federal agent on TikTok sentenced to six years
The man’s lawyer says his client was ‘merely playing dress-up’ to ‘woo women’
By María Luisa Paúl | June 7, 2022Over the course of eight months, a woman dating Reyel Simmons had been charmed by his tales of taking down bad guys as a Department of Homeland Security agent and retired Navy SEAL. She had seen Simmons’s “go bag,” badges and guns; heard stories about his undercover assignments; and believed DHS was paying for their hotel stays — a perk of said covert missions.
But her relationship with Simmons came crashing down in August, when she spotted a comment on his TikTok account, where he posted videos about being a federal agent for nearly 10,000 followers. The comment read: “stolen valor — impersonating a police officer again, oh and can proof be provided!”
Her discovery started a chain of events that eventually led to Simmons’s arrest and conviction on charges of impersonating a federal officer and illegally possessing firearms as a felon. On Friday, the 53-year-old Minnesota man was sentenced to six years in prison that will be followed by three years of supervised release, according to the Department of Justice.
You know you’re in trouble when your best defense is you “were just trying to get laid” or stated more accurately – you “were just trying to ‘woo women.'”
Reyel Devon Simmons
You gotta hand it to Reyel. How many men can say that their go-to money line is “Would you like to see my secret bunker?”
We checked the BUD/S-SEAL database and Reyel Simmons is not listed it it — surprise.
Then, from an article…
The FBI found no evidence that Simmons had served in the military or with any law enforcement agencies, court records state.
Nevertheless, when applying to his current job in Minnesota, Simmons had falsely stated that he was employed by DHS between 1997 and 2000, although he claimed “Assignments cannot be discussed under: Classified #CFR 6AUS06 and #USCS 987USf1310,” according to court documents.
That means that much of Simmons’ military career cannot be discussed due to national security concerns… TikTok being the exception.
Category: Fake SEAL, Navy Poser, Phony SEAL
What a turd burglar, he’s APL material for sure, there as well as Ambassador Worldwide!
Prudential Associates is wooing him, too.
Yep.
Phil Monkress will spin up Lori Benton in 3…2…1…
Cannot let this talent go to waste.
Wonder where he was getting his money? Bunker…multiple rifles, an AR pistol, a couple pistols, and a shotgun. All tricked out with nice ACOG (or at least look alike) optics and stocks. He even had the cool guy torn flag metal plaque! Wonder if it was all behind a secret wall, or he just displayed it all the time?
I used to tell women I was a secret agent for Bed Bath and Beyond. I then showed them my giant coupon. It worked.
I did the opposite. Whenever I wanted to end something before it got started I would show them my display collection of bass or Nascar dinner plates, or my velvet paintings of Elvis. Worked like a charm.
https://velvetelvispizzapatagonia.com/
You better be careful, if you get into a serious relationship with one of those gold diggers, she may get half of your limited edition Franklin Plates.
I almost lost a Civil War chess set over some such female.
You should also have the velvet painting of dogs playing poker, just in case.
KFC collectible buckets work good for killing the relationship too.
Hack Stone purchases all of his household items from that retail chain headed up by an R&B headliner. It’s called Bed Bath & Beyoncé.
Fucker looks a little like Christopher Dorner.
Good thing they rolled him up and locked his ass away.
Is that a Kel-Tek?
Secret bunker, secret agent, secret squirrel, secret sauce….
I’m sure the ONLY Secret he possesses is knowing that the “Secret Sauce” in some burger recipe is really Thousand Island Salad dressing.
What some guys will do to avoid reality… or (ahem) woo women (ahem)…
Whiz Wheel®™ says: Reyel Devon Simmons (FUBAR) 28 x 7 = 196
…Now he’s the boogie woogie skin-flute boy of cell block D
LOL!
Now he will be a prison SEAL, Sucking Everyones Asshole Lovingly.
The cellblock gang is glad he’s going back and they’re aroused and ready for seconds and thirds. 😜
In the truck stop parking lot, “secret bunker” has a whole different meaning. I’m sure he had visitors to “that” secret bunker as well.
Wonder how many on the cell block will want to woo him when he appears in the next issue of Prison Bride Weekly?
Can’t believe that I am going to be the FIRST (ht2 CW) to call for the deployment of the TAH As(s)teroid if Insults on this lying, thieving tool.
Can I get a SECOND and an AYE?
Segundo!
Gentlemen, I’m a little less than a week behind in the threads but I thought I’d scan the more current ones just in case someone hit the Klaxon and low and behold…
We have a request and a SEGUNDO!!
Do we have a hearty “AYE!?”
I’ll keep an eye out.
I!
Sorry it took me a day or two to get back here and there’s the magical👀😜🙄.
It’s a little late tonight but I’ll get on this over the weekend and you should see the obligatory 57 posts.
And again, my apologies for being tardy on this TARD!!
Let’s blow the roof off this sucker!~!!
No one thought to ask him how he was working for DHS in 1997 when it was not created until October 2091? Probably the same way that The Flintstones could have a Christmas episode despite taking place 10,000,000 years before Christ was born.
Maybe a time machine?
10m BC to 2091 and back to 1997 and forward to 2022, Reyelity is about to slam him square in the bunker.
October 2091?
D’oh! October 2001.
Hack Stone Publishing regrets the error, due to him not updating his Y3K software.
According to wiki, “It began operations in 2003, formed as a result of the Homeland Security Act of 2002“.
The truth is out there… (he shoulda appointed this guy and canned Space Farce)
Christ is eternal…just sayin’
Ahhhh…I miss the phonies. I really miss the sock puppets that defend them. Alas, that will not be the case today. We can only hope for the future.
We all miss the sock puppets; especially the ones who are the POSER hisself, or themself, for the non-binary.
Are you saying that Will Chamberlain was actually the Round Ranger? So it is a twist ending like The Fight Club.
I hope we get a sock puppet, we haven’t had a good chew toy since whatshisface from UC Berzerkely ran off!
He should be charged with a separate count of felon in possession for each gun.
Not a well educated liar or perhaps some of his intended woo ees weren’t to bright.
“Simmons had falsely stated that he was employed by DHS between 1997 and 2000,”
DHS was created in the aftermath of 9/11/2001.
So his story not just implausible but impossible.
Turd.
Also, HP? Burris optics? Budget cuts be a b*tch, eh?
I can get one of those “federal” badges for about thirty bucks at a police supply online store. They won’t even check my credentials. All you have to do is give them your promise that you are over 18 and won’t try to use the badge to “woo women” or impersonate a cop.
Simmons tried to plea down to the lesser crime of “woo-ing women.”
Bill Neener will be happy to sell you any of his several Navy SEAL certificates. Someone should tell him that the Navy’s Special Warfare Development Group is Seal Team Six, not Seal Team Three.
A new “client” for some anal dilation therapy… Bubba, Thor, Julio and Mr. “Tiny” are gonna be real excited about Reyel being the new bride of the cellblock.
Reyel Simmons does not know me.
Jack!
Long time, no see bud!
He’s better qualified than Merrick Garland….
The As(s)teroid of Insults®™
(aka, “This Ain’t Hell” Thesaurus)
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!
TACTICAL NUCLEAR ROUND OUT!!!!
THREE PASS AIRCRAFT BOMB RUN!!!!!
DANGER CLOSE!!!!
MOPP LEVEL 4!!!
TAKE COVER!!!!!
<b> Reyel (Yo, fo REALZ!) Devon (Travyon, I wish) Simmons
(Obvious Richard joke here), NOT A SEAL, or just about ANYTHING!!! HEY DICKLESS (SUPER Dickless) WONDER, (“Yes, it’s true this man has no dick!” …**HT to Ghostbusters**) We all hope you read this and come back here and try to defend your actions, but, you won’t because, YOU’RE A STRAIGHT UP COWARD, </b>, vile, flaming piece of skunk shit, ALLEGEDLY, but not confirmed or proven, but in some people’s opinion, works balls, tickles taint and tongue punches hobo’s crusty fart boxes all, I Guess, while being a syphilitic, turd-sucking feces factory, HOLY Baby Ape Shit Breath, spunkknuckle, Bitch-ass Fuckstick guzzler, pile infested, onion-eyed flapmouthed butt-bailiff,
“Fowl” mouthed Chicken Fucking Chickenfucker, This guy is as useful as a hockey puck dildo, His ground screw is loose, You flaccid piece of tofu, broke taint cocksucker, Simply a fart in life waiting to be fabreezed away, YOU’RE the reason Joe Biden tried to throw himself down the stairs of Air Force One, moral equivalent of pond scum, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A WALKING TURD, inflamed, “Towel boy” in a gay bath house, DILLY DILLY!!, Anal ring dome probably left over from bobbing for apples in the porta potty, When he wants to put on some mood music, he has Alexa play Dueling Banjos, Watching this particular dipshit fling his shit story, is almost like watching a pack of dipshits try to fuck a door knob some days, Ambulatory verbal dissembling anus, Fucking one cell spermatozoon with a tiny flagella, gaping giant ass walking fungus shit nugget, Bag of seasoned dog shit, weiner bucket, Cambodian cunt sauce,
It takes a special talent to swallow a beach ball without popping it. he deserves to have his private parts gnawed by angry badgers, Anyone who ever loved you was wrong, bucket of ass chum, Poopy Headed ball working asshole, JERK OFF !, Soup Sandwich, 24K shittyassed prick of a candyass primadonna atomic duodenal weasel, his actions leave us all with a sour taste in our mouths akin to sucking a rotten lemon out of a cat’s butthole. This turd has such a high option of himself that he thinks he shits ice cream, and there aren’t enough spoons to go around for all of us, if your Mom would have known you were going to turn out like this, she’d have prayed for a miscarriage, Diaper-Sniper, you seeping, gangrenous, feces-packed, maggot-infested axe wound, you’re such a pussy, when you get a haircut they charge you for a bikini wax, suck a big diseased gorilla dick and open those ass cheeks for the bull elephant that has been eyeing your lying ass,
, Poster-child for post birth abortion, I hope he chokes to death on the first dick he gets forced to suck in prison , Testicle face, This twat waffle is dumber than a bucket of goat piss, I pray thou shalt be pursued into the mountains by sex-mad baboons, O thou creature of the pit!, If you are married, The only thing your wife wants for Christmas is a folded flag, I hope that this dood bursts into flames the next time he takes a shit, that he suffers the pain and agony consistent with practicing self-immolation and ends up completely destroyed as if he were a victim of spontaneous human combustion, Dick Swallowing Jerk Wad Spooge Sampling cum gobbling parasitic infection bunghole tonguer, Klootviool, Dude–even your balls are made of pussy, should be ass raped and tea-bagged, at the same time, by a Rabid Rhinoceros, I hope you end up in Hell with gasoline soaked boxers, you were the kid that had to sit alone at lunchtime, twinkledick,
you’re the afterbirth that slithered out from your mother’s filth, you have always been picked last, you are a puck shot, catcher’s mitt double dribble field goal miss, you are the trash bag after a barracks/frat house party, What a bag of fetid skunk anuses in the July full noon sun, next to a sewerage treatment facility outside of Newark Airport, New Jersey, And that bag is smoking a cheap cigar that is 50% tire, the Stanley Cup could be your Mom’s dildo, I wish you were an EOD training power point presentation. Not the cool, highly trained bad ass EOD guys, the recipient, He’s more fucked up than a spotted Zebra, shirt-lifter, This guy stepped on his dick so hard it made mine hurt, when your Mom was pregnant with you, the dry cleaner used to charge her double for extra coat hangers. She had bad aim, If this wasn’t so sad, it would be as funny as watching a monkey try to fuck a football,
, I’m surprised he didn’t award himself a Purple Heart for stepping on his dick, it looks like either the Clothing Sales Awards and Decorations aisle threw up on him, OR, a very localized tornado raged through the BX and he was the sole survivor, Anus tonguing shit slurping fuckwitted hemorrhoid munching dick lips wanktoaster, pud-knuckling pus-nuts, you know what?, farting dive bubble cock gobbling Pigfucker, Up yours with knobs on, lientery steatorrhea, sperm burping dickchops, Sloshing bucket of Hippo Diarrhea, short strand DNA ‘tard, a bathroom selfie loser, fake “death stare” makes you look like a semen sucking cum vampire on his way to a flying J truck stop hobo ball sac buffet, Cuntosaurus Rex, Bulbous Bleeding Batrachivorous Butthole Burrito, enjoys being attacked by and being sunk by meat torpedoes, Pudwhack, pillock, Saltimbanco, zounderkite, Minger, Felonious Ass Pirate, get bent like a fucking pretzel,
, I mean, what in the roll tide, only has sex with family after Nascar, butt chugging box wine, mushy meth mouth, mountain dew snorting, corn dog anal injecting, only listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd when making cornbread, fuck, is going on, Fucking less worthwhile, hairier, dirtier and uglier than Hillary Clinton’s taint, if this guy even *had* a woman, or any balls, he’d keep them in her purse anyway, failed fido fluffer in doggo pron, even using an entire jar of top quality, organic, gourmet, peanut butter If you started fucking off today and kept fucking off until the sun burns out you still wouldn’t fuck off far enough to fuck off, Fuck you Fucksicle, You’re so fucked up that his imaginary friend took a Restraining Order out against him, This pissant is such a genius of monumental proportions he can skullfuck his own asshole, You man meat munching, spunk bubble blowing butt sponge,
The only thing that he is good for is pulling targets on the Hand Grenade Range, You are a disease, worse than a crotch tick, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper, Boy, you couldn’t lead a fresh turd down the bowl, Thinks that he is in the “dark” secret ops, not realizing that he has his head up his ass, You were born stupid and had a prolapse, In need of an appointment with a brass-knuckles Amateur Dentist, exposure to diseased posers is also known as “the Result of Cyclospora” with * “Symptoms of cyclospora include diarrhea and frequent, sometimes explosive bowel movements, according to the CDC.” I say, I say, That boy’s about as sharp as a sack o’ wet mice, Dear fucking 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus on a cement tricycle, banjo eyed, insignificant and inconsequentially ignorant imbecilic idiot, single strand DNA refugee from a blow job,
not worthy to lick taint lint off my cats backside, Unable to prevail against his one brained celled activity taking him over, so he types, talks, acts as if a retarded ghost possessed him. dickwad that can’t make a good seal on Tupperware, Buttcrackiula, tit, Oh, fuck you sideways with a roll of horse liniment coated concertina wire…you sorry, miserable, posing, shit eating goat fucker, You look like the product of an orgy at a family reunion, got-damn cum drop, You’re funnier than a sock full of frogs and tougher than a jar of marshmallow crème, Sharmouta, hey douche bag, I bet your ass is jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth, sniveling, codpiece licking toilet seat sniffer, as worthless as a Toyota airbag, lying bucket of Chihuahua shit, taintpimple, Pillow bitin pickle smoocher, meat-gazing walrus fart hamster queef that should have stayed a tittyfuck cumstain in the back seat of an AMC Pacer, Bowl of ass soup,
Festering fuckwart on a sewer rat’s ass, I heard you volunteered to go to the Middle East to take on terrorists…dressed as a goat, I believe you to be one of the few, proud pieces of shit that flies won’t fuck on, You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die, needle dick bug fucker, wad of fungus on a pile of roach turd, Drongo, Satan even said about you, “Boy is this guy a DICK!, Sparklepony, Toilet weasel, pigshit fungus, grubby little dick-beater, You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john, Connoisseur ,worthless, Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas, Blows winos behind bus stops for a nickel and gives change, jejeongsin-iya?, whore-hopping fecal wart, Soppspiste Pitbulkukkforhud, stench-ridden, Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargled, shiftless, monkey-buggerer, petrified shit biscuit, More worthless than rubber lips on a woodpecker or tits on a boar hog, ignoble itching buttcrack,
You’re the reason God created Irritable Bowel Syndrome, moldy bowl of ratshit, would wear Richard Simmons’ used jockstrap as a facemask, lickspittle, useless bag of monkey fuck, dickbutt, rectum circling colon goblin, Asshole casserole, Vafanculo, Someone should take your fake shit and shove it so far up your ass that you’ll never be able to wear a cover correctly, Nut hugger, People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore, salad tosser, gonorrheatic urethral cliff diver, smeerlap, fud, cock-sucking piece of shit, overused prison fuckboy, Because it’s a hazard to all mankind and it’s my opinion, the sloot you wiggled out of, the gaping cloaca from which your mother excreted you, should be added to the EPA’s Superfund site, and because it’s highly unlikely it will ever be again, habitable for humanity, should probably be sealed up for all eternity, much like the Agbogbloshie Dumpsite in Accra, Ghana, with Chernobyl coming in a close second,
tittyfuck cum spatter (Shamelessly stolen and credited, Terminal Lance …https://terminallance.com/2017/02/28/terminal-lance-461-drill-instructor-academy/?fbclid=IwAR36LjF848ATFa879zl5OZ6An7xsUuRL1_-VASzLgdLTI-p5o4g14ylaXE4) and from the Book of Face comments, if I could, I’d shove you back into your mother’s pussy so the doctor can FINISH the abortion, Peter-Puffer, I bet the knobs of all the cocks you’ve ever sucked are shinier than the arse end of a bald eagle in a nose dive!, ncid floor buffer wax spreader, both of your Grandmothers should have had an abortion, just in case, Harebrained duckfucker, I’ve seen bigger wieners on a cocktail plate!, You look like something I’d draw with my left hand, untreated, festering pus pocket, You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake, you twink, You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel, It’s impossible to underestimate you, Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job,
oh wait, you *SHOULD* be ashamed too, because, the more the merrier, You are the human version of period cramps, If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty, You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day, you thought you’d be nice the other day and you lent a girl an umbrella, so, that makes the total of girls you’ve made wet this year -1, if you were a trophy at the end of my race, I’d walk backwards, you try to present yourself as a knight in shining armor but really, you’re a loser in tinfoil, if you were ever a teacher, your students would never wear a seatbelt while driving to school, because they’d want to die before ever having to take one of your classes, you’re what Olive Garden is to real Italians, He has the facial expression of a washed-out panhandler you see at finer Bus Stations everywhere, he looks like Hunter Biden’s stunt double. If he was on Prison Bachelor, he would offer his cellmate his brown rose,
, you have a chronically, domestically abused, tiny pee pee, this valor poacher thinks he’s so hot and such an intellect, that he gets a semi chub (all that he is able) by his actions and subsequently, is in danger of raising blood blisters on his Third Thumb due to the protracted use of his Special Purpose Magnifying Glass and eyebrow tweezers, You just **HAVE** to have any attention you can get, eh you rabbit fucked, chihuahua, shit-for-brains, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?!, the only currency he should be dealing with is cigarettes (fags for you Brits) while he’s in the pokey and he is known to be a pack a day smoker of the cock, Sphincter reaper, That ‘stash you may or may not have (if you had one) looks like Goal Post for a Dick…. Blower and boffer of balls, Devil of cock gobbling, Bacha bāzī “boy”, Dildohead, cunt giblets (Thanks ASMDSS),
If this goose shit gobbling mongoloid were an MRE, he would be Spaghetti and Dick, is a sack sucking semen slurper, nut nibbling nincompoop, and jizz juicing jackoff. This guy, I mean, this fucking guy right here, is the poster boy for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as a fucking cross eyed, cock gobbling, 55 gallon drum of cock snot, dumpster fire, Your face makes onions cry, nsumbyeotchkizzmyazzwingwipineffoffanbeholdemyfieldofphuquesyouphuquingphuquer, Mayor Grundle Butter of Scrotumburg and Anusville, waste of oxygen, Grandstanding cunt, prickwrinkler, Holy cupcake munching monkeys, clitwart, cuntscab, his breath smells like he ate a dead man’s underwear, Fuck you, you nutless chickenfuck cocksucking rat-bastard piece of roach shit! Eat a whole fucking ConEx full of dicks!,
anal sphincter canyon yodeling phallic squeezer, numbnuts, malodorous odiferous felonious fido fucker, snowball, You have the kind of creepy ass grin like you like slipping in the shower and falling on dicks, you look like the type of guy that trolls the harsh urban streets for rando destitute, impoverished, tainted, desperate dudes to fuck start your face for you, fuck this dude with a cactus, Coprophagous fop, Gonorrhea breath, swizzle tits, giggling beerflecked canker blossom, how did you survive infancy, rectal rapee, Dude looks like he smells like hot dog water, GonnoSyphaHerpaClapAIDS Patient Zero monkey buggerer, ball-tickling & ball gargling bullshiat artist, R2-Dildo, You suck dick for beer money and you don’t even drink beer, secret squirrel masturbation specialist, hand in your badge, Adolf, you fart repeatedly just to make yourself smell better, spunk-trumpet, Bakrauf, face down ass up weak kneed pillow biter,
maybe this hero could strap a suicide vest to himself, go out in the open desert and make people confetti out of himself, Wait, of all the lucky sperms that came outta your daddy, you’re the one that WON??, This twat is gayer than Liberace skydiving ass first into a canyon of buttplugs, He’s so much of a dickhead he takes Viagra thru a nasal spray, and he’s still limp, How I the fuck do assholes like this sleep at night? With one hand on their tiny dick and the other thumb in their ass, Holy shit, maybe a “buggerer of little boys”, rottencrotched, rump wrangling, colostomy bag curator, A butter knife amongst razor blades, Rusty Trombone Virtuoso, he is the kinda guy who likes meeting up with two strange men so they can sword fight in his mouth, he’s the kind of guy you’d find hanging out around highway rest areas because he’s frequenting the public bathrooms trying to gargle marbles for change, culo de chongo, booger eating fuckbucket, Lemon Party-lusting,
Pissflap, fucknuckles, is about as real as a Civil War Issue polyester blanket, Menstrual quimsquirt, you’re as useful as Anne Frank’s Drum Set, overzealous polyp burglar, poser quim squirt, bed wetting, follows in Victorious Felder’s bovine excrement -filled boots, Weeping Pustule on the Whipworm Shat by a Flea Plucked from the Hairy Anus of a Noble Bilge Rat, I wanna get a running start and drop kick him right in the ‘ol yogurt gun, Fustilarian, Knobgobble, prancing pony penis puffer, Likes to turn his mouth into a day care center with guys baby gravy behind the local truck stop, I hope his rectum is popped so hard, he will achieve liftoff on Mr. Tiny’s launch pad, less popular than a Cheese and Veggie Omelet MRE, You are so full of shit, your ears stink, I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral, butt-pirate, as popular as an SBD fart in church on a packed house Sunday, you should get dorked in the squeakhole with the Barbed Cock of Satan,
toadstool slime-inhaling dick-drizzling sludge, putrid barrel of fermenting manatee prostatic fluid, prodigious jenkem huffer, He never joined Columbia Record Club because he could not afford a penny, You’re a dirty coffee mug on a Monday morning filled to the brim with steaming frothy panther piss, Asparagus-dick, as fucked up as an opossum eating shit out of a hairbrush, Champion Jailhouse Baloney Pony Rider, You’re dumber than snake mittens, He is so stupid, he buys matinee tickets at a drive in theater, His erectile dysfunction and impotence is so severe that his continual dick-beating of such pointlessness amazes anyone that is so unfortunate as to be acquainted with him, Wooden dildo, assplow, Piss Whistle, moron, Poodle Raper, cunt fart, Prevaricating orally diarrhetic sphincter mouth, lintlicker, Wino sphincter/ballsack coinesseur, Cock Bagel and Dick Doughnut, Stronzo, Pie-Faced Crotch Pheasant, Road apple, Mule muffins, Buffalo bagels, Beaver biscuits,
pony pucks & Pigeon pellets (Shout out to M*A*S*H Col. Potter) (Not Colonel Potter but if he’d have thought about it, he’d have said it. ) one giant pile of Moose marbles, Straight Up Stupid Motherfucker, manpleaser, you are such a disappointment to the human race, I think I’m gonna have to court your slovenly, unhinged, cow of a Mother, in real life, second only to the character Annie Wilkes in Misery, and then hate slam the psychosis right out of her dirt box, such that another chromosomally challenged creature like you never occurs again, this buttmunch needs to eat out the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk, baby unit, one eyed snake charmer, this is the kinda guy who’s feet swing when he’s on the toilet, People like this make me wanna hatefuck a dumpster, on fire and then give sloppy seconds to a menstruating porcupine, perpetual Turd that just keeps circling the bowl and will never flush, Shit-Slot Cosmonaut, Proper Daft Cunt,
, you thought you had a hair on your dick until it peed, zombies would take one look at you and walk the other direction, Do you know who has more friends and is more popular than you? The Shit Pool at Kandahar Airfield Afghanistan, he has less brains than a bony eared assfish if he thought he would continue to get away with his bullshit, Fair suck of the sav, This motherfucking guy makes my ass itch, is so unimaginably and extraordinarily vapid and mindlessly stupid that he could get lost in an elevator, Meretricious, you’ll never be the man your mother is, Odious Twonk, spaghetti straw-sized personal organ, real boy babies have bigger nuts, putting the squeeze on this nugatory nut nibbler is not worth the juice, there are ants that are smarter than this dorkwad from the bottom of Poontang Pond, he is just a rock with lips rocking the dick head look, likes to suck the turds out of rabid dogs bungholes, is a lying sack of wet doughnut batter,
He looks like the kind of guy that really needs to take a bath…with a toaster. baby cave, analconda, this fartlump is the human embodiment of a $2 haircut, Grade A chode yodeler, tittilating scrotalator pole smoker, Vaginal Sand Fairy, Drollenpijper, wide open mouth pivot man in a circle jerk, feral abacus, leg humper, You look like you were conceived through anal, meadow muffin, ax wound drippings, you’re such a loser, when you spank your little wee-wee, your hand falls asleep, horse squeeze Ball Cheese, you were born after your Dad cream-pied her asshole then finger fucked her vagina, your “heroic “ career is less believable than UFOs, Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, pre-pubescent, hairless ballsack here has all the charm and charisma of a burning port-a-shitter, you are the poster child for ED, when I want to terrorize my children, I tell YOU are under their bed, when I saw this sperm receptacle, soggy biscuit eater, my eyes rolled so hard I saw my own brain stem,
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid, Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid, you emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid, nothing in our universe can really be this stupid, Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid, Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know, His mother made it be known that he had a Do Not Resuscitate declaration when she would take him for a haircut, Schlumpadinka, wazzock, Tampon Tunnel, used toilet paper-sniffing Turbo knob vacuum of a meat gazer,
terminal crotch infection, asshat, roach turd-munching shit-for-brains, a black hole would spit you out, the founding fathers said all men are created equal….except for you, you make scientists contemplate the possibility that there’s a negative IQ number, if you an 2 other guys ran a race together, you’d come in fourth, dick pickle, gòrach pìos de cac, It looks like he smeared Gorilla Glue on his lip and chin and went down on Whoopi Goldberg’s cootchie, You make PTSD/TBI look like a state fair, a 3 ring circus and Disneyland all rolled into one, likes to gargle with a mouthful of unborn crib midgets, He can shit and fall in it as far as I am concerned(This one is for the Ladies and Medical Staff) this prancing fairy is about as popular as a failed Episiotomy with a 4th degree perineal tear, wanker, herpes-ridden dung beetle target, feejackapeesack, first volunteer for being part of a jailhouse human centipede, bunghole warrior, cockwomble,
You’re like the end piece of a bread loaf. Everyone touches you but nobody wants you, should eat a nice steaming pile of monkey shit you ass clown, looks like hammered dog shit, puborectalis spasm, you are so bad, you’re a disappointment to the table of elements and the molecules that they represent, that came from space to form humans on Planet Earth, you are so awful, you make humanity want to beg for a near extinction level, asteroid impact event, Your mother may have told you that you could be anything you wanted, but a douchebag wasn’t what she meant, If Mr. Rogers were alive, he’d piss on your grave, helmet wearing short bus riding window licker, Head paddler in the douche canoe, Uncle Fucker, more ate up than a chocolate dildo in a crowded gay bar, shitbag, He is so stupid, he overdosed on placebos. dipstickus giganticus, Humpty Dumpty cleanup man after the fleet visits Naples, Herp-Burger, poofter, intergalactic cunt muffin, knob gobbling, fimicolous
galactic Jackoff, Deputy executive assistant jizz mopper in training, chronic hemorrhoid, stugatz, inbred, toe-jam from an infected Filipino hooker that specializes in foot jobs, tortured turnip turd, Sea Donkey, festering pool of anal leakage, your penis lives in eternal darkness, I’d hate to see your toilet, retardus maximus, Microcephalic Toad Licker, can go suck a fat baby’s dick, steaming rat-felching bucket of moldy monkey fuck, Bellicose ball gnashing raper of babies with rabies, Pecker-puffing pickle licker, catcher not pitcher, bawbag, about as useful as a white crayon, Arschloch, impotent koekeloeren, slaptard, when you hear that he claims to be suffering from TBI or PTSD, it’s not the traditional definition but He suffers from TBI (Tiny Ball Insecurity) as well as PTSD (Penis Too Small Disorder.) He has a face that screams “Amber Alert”, couldn’t even be trained in my AFSC in the USAF to suck farts out of C-5 seat cushions
mumpsimus, reverse dirty sanchez lover, scunner, he claims to have PTSD and he really does have PTSD, PTSD” when it stands for “pretty talented sucking dicks, kutomba wewe, This clown dresses up like the False Commander “Phony” Phil Monkress (CEO of All-Points Logistics) for Easter, and likes to squat and drop colored Easter eggs out of his asshole, for the assorted homeless that gather for such festivities, next to the dumpster and used grease and cooking oil disposal bin, behind the Pilot Flying J truck stop, until either the consumables are depleted or the mob disperses. Bonus points if an accidental, bleeding, rectal prolapse and depressed crying occurs for the gathered audience. And the crowd goes wild!! Cryptosporidium-ridden tire tosser, fudgepacker, turbo douche & enema nozzle, mental midget, likes to molest small farm animals, dead and alive, is a hemorrhoid, 100 retarded monkeys could jerk off in a stagnant swamp and generate a better life form than you,
You are about as useful as a knitted condom, nasty enough to pass gas during a colonscopy, thinks a GI lavage is a mixed drink at a party, if I had the taste of you in my mouth, I’d lick the taint of a dead rotting water buffalo in the Vietnamese jungle just to get the taste out, just to fix your shit, you could make a Jew deny the Holocaust, consuming connoisseur of the chocolate starfish, Cocksucking Catfish, anal & vaginal prolapse, giant anal Q-Tip, this freak fancies himself performing fellatio on a variety of pinnapeds, He went all vaginal. You *never* go all vaginal, If there was a stadium full of assholes, like maybe a medium sized NFL stadium, say 70,000 assholes, all sizes and colors, pink, brown, black, red, yellow, green, and then all types, big, small, middle, inflamed, dripping, unclean, festering, etc, a gun would go off and then fireworks and a cheer would arise and build to a deafening crescendo and there, on the 50 yard line
, the lights would come up and the announcer would say, “Yes, there he is folks, let’s have a round of applause…” and the stadium would start doing the wave and then more cheering, a cacophony of assholes, at first softly and then building, building, “king, king, king, king, King, King, King, King, KING, KING, KING, KING!!!! <b> KING OF THE ASSHOLES!!!!</b>, yes, quite a feat but you’ve achieved it. And you’re such a self-centered asshole, you’d take a bow, fucked himself faster than a horny chihuahua by lying about his Military Service, you are the reason Jesus can’t play peek-a-boo, he has holes in his hands, you are a 0 EPR/OPR, If the Road of Life was paved with dicks, this guy would walk through it on his ass, you are worse than a Dishonorable Discharge….from your Mom’s vagina, Massive, back alley, bucket of schlong fuck juice, cockalorum cum-guzzling gutter slut, Dalton Coldiron’s bunny-butt buddy atomic sphincter goblin, If you stuck your brain up a gnat’s ass